God you guys have the patience of saints to be able to put up with my long periods of inactivity.

Well I'm now moved back home after spending a year up north working so that's a start, my MacBook got the evil BLACK SCREEN OF DEATH but hopefully that should be fixed by tomorrow. Until then I am left to type away slowly on my NEW iPad.

Anyway, this chapter focuses back on Tony and his progression during his pregnancy. This is a bit of a time skip chapter but it works and is how I wanted to see it done.

Enough of my rambling, enjoy the new chapter!

AN: At the end of Chapter 4, Tony was one month pregnant (just to refresh my mind as well as you readers)

~*~*~*~ A Life Without Love Chapter 5 ~*~*~*~

Month 1

I don't know how Danielle convinced me to write a diary of my pregnancy but, and I quote, she said that, "This is your first pregnancy and probably your only one, but wouldn't you want to document how your child grew within you as you watch them grow older. If you do it now, at least you will have a better way to look back at that time than just memories that will begin to fade with time,".

Hell, who am I kidding? One look of her puppy dog eyes and I'm a goner. God, she better not teach my kid those otherwise he or she could get away with anything.

I'm currently 1 1/2 months pregnant and all I can really say is I now know and feel for every woman who has ever been pregnant or will be. Morning sickness is still hitting me with a vengeance and I'm feeling it till to pretty much lunchtime. It's a wonder if I am able to keep anything down at all to help the kid grow at all, not to mention myself.

Mood swings are starting to get to me too, Danielle is the only one in the whole household who is willing to put up with it. I've already scared most of the staff off. All my little cousin does is smile and wave it off. Thank god she is being a mother hen over me, god knows Gibbs would . . .

I miss him, even though he left me after that one night and never looked back at me again. It's not the same without seeing those brilliant silver-blue eyes of his, even if it is to head slap me. I miss what we had together and what could have been if I had had the guts to stay and tell him the truth. To tell Gibbs that I love him and that he is going to be a father. But I need to heal before I can ever think of returning, hopefully my little miracle will be there beside me.

Even if they never do go like I pray they will, at least they will be there for me, giving me at least one little reminder of the love I have for him.



Month 2

If it weren't for this little sonogram in my hands right now, I don't think I could really believe that there was a baby growing inside of me. It's still so surreal but looking at the little black and white picture in my hands and remembering the soft but fast heart beat I heard when I had the sonogram done, I can only cry with joy. That is my little bundle of joy growing inside of me and will always be a part of me and the man I love.

But looking back now when I had almost killed myself, I can think of the 'what ifs' if I had successfully killed myself. I would never have seen my child grow inside me or to see the potential they could have become. Or have seen what could have been a family grown between Gibbs and I as we watched our child grow together. I was so selfish to try and take my life but I didn't know - I didn't know I had the carrier gene, that I was pregnant or that I could lose the life growing inside of me.

My little miracle, thank god for my little miracle. And thank Danielle for being the only one there for me to save us both.

Speaking of Danielle, she's gone baby crazy! She is so excited to be an Aunty that she has gone ahead and bought baby books and toys and not mention even starting to set up a nursery right across the hall from my room. But she refuses to let me in! "Not till the baby shower!" She said when I tried to go in. She even took away anything that I could use to try and pick the lock, she KNOWS just how curious I can be and this is going to drive me CRAZY until I finally know.

But she's not always like that. She's not always the happy-go-lucky I always thought she was. God there were times when I thought Danielle and Abby were cut from the same cloth, but I'm starting to less and less of that in my little cousin.

Danielle has been awfully sad and downtrodden recently and I don't know why, she won't tell me. Is it her love life? Does she want a baby of her own? I try to help but she won't let me into her head. All she does is wave it away and then start bursting into happiness about being an Aunty. I just hate seeing her so down like that. I only hope I can be there for her when she does tell me.

Just like she was to me during my time of depression.



Month 3

After all this time being sick, having the mood swings and even the crazy ass cravings that have grown into things that would make even me green if it wasn't for the fact that I am pregnant, I can finally see the very fact that there is a child growing inside of me.

My abs are now starting disappear but I can now see the hard bump in my lower abdomen that now holds my child. You can barely see it but if you look closely when I am on my side or side-on, you can see it.

Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I just lay in bed and rub my stomach, just knowing that there is a little baby, my baby growing inside of me. Sometimes, I swear I can almost imagine that Gibbs is there beside me, rubbing my stomach as well, showing one of his true and genuine happy smiles as he looks down at the life we created together. But when I open my eyes and see that he still isn't there where he should be.

It's still another six months until I finally pop, but next month I'm going to find out whether the baby will be a boy or a girl. I know some people like the surprise, Gibbs probably would as well but I want to know and so does Danielle.

I can't wait to hold my little miracle in my arms, my little baby Dinozzo-Gibbs . . . Oh what I wouldn't give to hold my little miracle in my arms right now.


Month 4

It's finally arrived, the time finally find out whether my baby is a little boy or a little girl. I can just picture a little boy with my locks and the beautiful silver-blue eyes of his father or a little girl with his beautiful straight (once) brown hair and my emerald eyes.

Now if only Danielle would give me the bloody envelope . . .
". . . before I stick the video camera she is currently shoving in my face up her ass," Tony growled aloud as he continued to write.
His emerald eyes met the dark video camera lens before glaring at the user.
"Hey! This home video is supposed to be G-Rated! I'm really sure your kid will love to hear the language you speak when they get old enough for me to show them this video," Danielle exclaimed, waving the camera about as she glared at him.
"Dani, I'm in the middle of a mood swing, I had one my last bouts of morning sickness this morning, I'm getting tired all the time, I'm not looking forward to looking like a bloated whale that will be anytime soon and I have been waiting for this moment for the past two months - NOW GIVE ME THAT BLOODY ENVELOPE!" Tony growled.
"Sheesh, don't get you panties in a twist! Here," Danielle mumbled.
Tony snatched the letter from her hand but not before kissing her on the cheek, "Gracias la cugina,"
Grumbling and curse could be heard about 'bloody pregnant people and their mood swings', Tony just ignored her as he sat down with a smile on his face, looking down at the white pristine envelope in his hand.
Danielle began recording once again as she watched Tony slowly open the envelope with shaky hands, "So Tony, what were the names you were going to use if the baby was a boy or a girl?"
"Katelyn Kelly for a girl and I was tossing up between Donald Jackson or Donald Leory for a boy," Tony said quietly as he finally looked upon the sonogram within.
Tears of joy sprung to life in Tony's emerald eyes, one hand reaching up to try and snuffle his sobs.
"COME ON ALREADY! Tony, is it a boy or a girl?" Danielle exclaimed, wheeling around to get almost of the sonogram in the video.
The sobs echoed softly before Tony finally spoke, "Katelyn Kelly,"
'Oh Gibbs, if only you knew what you had lost,' she thought sadly.


Hope you guys all enjoyed that! There will be more soon, hopefully my mojo will back with my other stories as well soon.