I do not own the Teen Titans (TV show or comics). Would be cool if I did, though. I was inspired to write this story, which is my first fanfic ever, by listening to some Linkin Park songs (two from their Hybrid Theory album, one from the Meteora album, and one from the Minutes to Midnight album). Read and review, please; and remember, this is my first fanfic so I don't really expect it to be good. Raven may seem a little out-of-character, but that's the point of the story. There is implied yuri, I think.

Entry #305

I sit alone in my darkened room. The lights are not on, nor are my curtains open. My door is locked, because I do not want the others coming in to check on me. I know they mean well, they are my friends, after all. I just do not think I can handle their sympathy today. Of course, I have been telling myself that everyday for the past year. I rarely leave my room; the only times being to get food and drink. Every time they ask me if I want to talk, I just shake my head and go back to my room; it has been a year since I have said anything to them, too. I can tell they are worried about me, especially Starfire. She never wants to see anyone, especially her friends, as sad and depressed as I am. Maybe they have a good reason to be worried. Locking myself in my room, eating once a day, not talking to anyone; those could be signs of potentially suicidal behavior.

Breathing deeply through my nose, I let it out as a heavy sigh. As far as taking my own life goes, I would be lying if I said I had never thought about it. The truth is, in those first couple of months after it all, I was seriously considering it. After all, what would have been the point of going on with life if she was not around anymore? But right about the time I was starting to think about methods, Cyborg walks into my room (I had not thought to lock it that day) and drops a small, hard-bound notebook on my bed. I had been staring at it for a good amount of time, not comprehending how it got there, before I realized he had walked out of my room - and made sure to lock my door behind him. It took me another few minutes before I understood that he had done so almost a half hour ago if the clock on my wall was telling me the truth. A year ago, such a thought would have at least elicited a small smile from me; now, I could not muster the energy for even a vague twitch in that direction. It turned out that the notebook was an empty journal - with a note from Cyborg lightly taped to the inside front cover. It read:

I know you don't want any of us bothering you, even though we're your friends and are always here for you. Maybe someday you'll be able to talk about what happened with us. Until then, why don't you talk to this? Call it a journal, a diary, a thought-holder, whatever. Just . . . write down whatever it is you're thinking or feeling. It's okay if you don't share those things with us; at least share them with yourself in these pages.


He did not know it, and probably will never find out, but he saved my life that day. I took the advice he had put in his note; I wrote down my thoughts and feelings into what I have now decided to call my Life Journal. Because, looking back at the previous three hundred four entries I put in it, that is what it is. A journal that contains my life. Although it is only now that I can write in the most important entry of this 'book': my feelings for a fellow Titan. None of the others would be surprised, now, to learn that I do, in fact, have feelings. I know I gave off the impression that I am cold and distant, though I did manage to open up a little before . . . everything changed. With my powers, I had to keep a tight reign on my emotions; if I lost control, I could have destroyed everything. That outcome, though, is still entirely possible. I know I am rambling, and that I am only delaying what I know I need to write down, but I can not help it.

After all, it is hard to admit that you no longer have your soulmate.

Yes, I did say soulmate. I know that Beastboy cared for her a lot, too, but to my surprise it was me that she chose. We did have some things in common, so I should not have been surprised. Both of us struggled for control of our powers (my problem was, of course, my emotions while hers was a confidence issue), neither of us wanted to be rejected by the others, and . . . we both liked each other. When we first encountered Terra (I finally said her name in here) and took her in, I was a little jealous - and afraid. Jealous, because the others seemed to accept her so easily; afraid, because I did not want her to take my place on the team. Beast Boy and Starfire liked her from the start, though with Star that was not at all surprising. Cyborg and Robin took to her after a while, though Robin still kept his 'I'm-the-leader-and-need-to-be-objective' facade in place (though we all knew that he liked Stafire - well, all of us except for Starfire herself). Me? I pushed her away, though that was the last thing I wanted to do. Then, I did not know why I wanted to stay with us - me - and yet did not want her around at all. So to mask my confused feelings about her (and my confusion about that confusion) I treated with indifference at best - and heavy disapproval at worst. I suppose I could have been the reason she left that first time; after all, I was not very nice to her. When she left, though, I was crushed. Why I was, though, I could not understand at first.

Until Cyborg spelled it out for me.

Before she left, I would always be on the top of Titan Tower meditating when the sun rose; after she left, I could be found there supposedly watching the sunset. At least, that is what Robin, Starfire, Beast Boy, and even myself believed. Cyborg knew different, however. A few days after Terra had left us that first time, he came up and watched the sunset with me. Shortly afterwards, he looked at me and said, "She'll be back, Rae." To say I was startled would be like saying the ocean was big. While the truth, it is incapable of accurately describing the scope of it. He chuckled at my reaction, and chuckled again when I said that I was not waiting for her. "You know she didn't leave because of you," he told me then. Thinking a minute, he added, "Or maybe she did, but not for the reason you think." I considered denying it all again, then felt my shoulders slump when I decided that there was no point in denial. "I did not want to be so mean to her, Cybord," I said softly. "And I do not know why I acted like that to her." He smiled at me and told me that he knew. He said it was really obvious, but because it was me none of the others would believe it possible and it was not difficult for me to be unaware of it. "Are you going to me, or just keep being cryptic?" I had snapped at him. Shaking his head a little, he answered, "Raven, you like her, like her." I just stared at him, unaware of the fact that my mouth was hanging open. Nothing came out, though, because my brain seemed to have shut down from shock. When it started working again, my first response was a rather eloquent "Huh?" He patted me on the shoulder, stood up, and went back inside the Tower with a "Goodnight, Raven."

Back in my room later that night, I tried denying his words. Knowing that, by denying them, I would be denying my own feelings. My emotions, though, would not have it. Happy was, of course, happy that I had found someone who could mean so much to me. Courage was demanding that I just 'own up to the fact that you love Terra' and to 'tell her when she comes back'. Knowledge had already known, of course. And so it went; especially Love, who until that point had not really had a big part in my conciousness. She said the most with the fewest words: "No one could ever be more important to us than her."

When she came back, I shocked everyone - especially myself - by hugging her. After that, though, things did change between us. We started hanging out more, training together, and meditating together. All the while, though, I was trying to actually follow up on Courage's advice, and just tell Terra that she meant a lot to me. One night, while the rest of the Titans were out getting pizza, I got my chance. And lost it, when she told me that I was the reason she came back. I started to explain myself, to tell her why I was so mean to her before, but she never gave me the chance; after all, it is rather hard to explain something when your mouth is busy kissing. And though I would have preferred waiting to tell the others about us until I was comfortable with everything, that did not happen as they walked in on us. Star was happy for us, of course; Robin had said that it better not affect our performance in battle; Cyborg told me that 'it was about time'; and Beast Boy was a little upset that it was me Terra liked and not him, but he was happy for us. My emotions had their own say, too, but I ignored what both Rage and Lust said to me. For a while, everything seemed to be perfect.

I should have known it would all turn out to be an illusion.

When Terra betrayed us to Slade, I was shattered. I was also lucky that my friends were there to help me. The whole world was lucky, too; if it was not for my friends, I would have given in to Rage and lost myself completely. I would also have destroyed the world in the process. I pulled myself together - just in time for the woman I still loved to try to kill us all. I knew she would come for me, and that our battle would perhaps be the most difficult thing either of us had done. And when I was sinking into that pit of mud, knowing that I was going to die, I was surprised to find that I was not angry with Terra. I think she may have seen that realization in my eyes, because I did not die even though I should have. For her own reasons, she spared my life even as she tried to end it. I waited in the 'bubble' she had placed me in for what would turn out to be a few days; but it was time I spent meditating upon everything. I talked with my emotional aspects, though Rage had almost nothing to say for once.

After regrouping with my friends, it was decided to end Terra's threat once and for all. Though I agreed to this, I could not help but remember how I had survived. When the time came, though, I could not follow through with it. I would have died, too, if Terra had not turned on Slade and killed him. Unfortunately, in stopping Slade, she had awakened a dormant volcano underneath the city. Looking at each other, we knew what had to be done. The other Titans had, by this point, arrived and I explained what had happened and what Terra's plan was. Everyone said their good-byes and reluctantly left; I did not say good-bye nor did I leave. I intended to stay there with her. To the very end. "I'm sorry, Rae," she told me. Before she could go on and explain anything, I cut her off with a kiss. A kiss that said everything words would not be able to say, no matter how simple or elegant. Breaking it off, I looked into her sapphire eyes and said, "I know you want forgiveness, but for me there is nothing to forgive." Those words, I could tell, lifted a burden off of her. The radiance of the smile she gave me then could never be equaled by any other force.

And after one last kiss, Terra gave her life to save me.

The others found me, after it was all over, on my knees before Terra crying my heart out. Using all of her power to shut the volcano down had turned her to stone. It was after that, after she had been lost to me, that I withdrew from the others. At first, I deceived myself into believing that it was because of my fragile control over my powers. After a week, I no longer believed that. And now? Now, I just do not trust myself to act as a hero should.

And that is it. The one thing I refrained from putting into this little book until now. If time is supposed to heal all wounds, then someone forgot to tell time about me. I still feel the pain of Terra's loss as sharply now as I did the day she died. But I have become better able to deal with it now. It is now a year since that day; a year since my soulmate had sacrificed her life for me. I know that Robin and the others are planning to visit the memorial; they made sure to talk about it and plan the trip outside my door. Including me in their planning, even though I did not include myself. I do not know if I will be able to go. I do not think I am strong enough to go. But I know I will go anyway. After all, it is Terra. The woman who, in a rather short time, came to mean more to me than life itself. The others are at my door, knocking. Starfire asks me if I am coming. I look over at the package next to me on my bed. A small thing, really; I can hold it in the palm of one hand. It was wrapped, too. I wrapped it myself, in yellow paper with a black ribbon on it. The bow I put the ribbon in came out shaped more like a "T" than a proper bow. But it was better than a real bow.

Letting out a second deep sigh, I realize that it seems a little silly to write out that I was sighing. But I have gotten used to writing like this; after all, it helped me when I was consumed by grief eight months ago. After one last thing, I will close this journal and go visit the memorial of my beloved. I will end this entry with the last eight words I ever spoke to anyone:

"I love you with all my heart, Terra."