Hogwarts has decided to relieve some of the tensions and reconcile some of the differences between students and staff. Adult themes, sexual innuendo, slash, gender role reversal and squick.
All fiction is derivative and fan fiction doubly so. I make no claim to own any part of any of the following, all I have done is an attempt to put together the elements in a novel fashion, using words and ideas like Lego ™ bricks.
The chocolate is real, muggle chocolate. A Mars (Galaxy) product.
There is no money involved – all I do is to share what I do for my own amusement.
1: Christmas Morning
All of the students were at Hogwarts for Christmas. They all knew why. Headmistress McGonagall had made the announcement that the rail line had been severed, not through Death Eater activity, but by a simple accident. A river had flooded and washed out the tracks a few miles from Hogsmeade Station.
Rather than the chaos of trying to get everyone home by floo and portkey, the students would remain at Hogwarts over the holiday.
Christmas morning dawned bright and white. As ever there had been a fall of snow over night, turning Hogwarts into a glistening faery ice-castle.
The students all drifted into their common-rooms early to find presents waiting for them. Even the staff found presents, including those who had never received a present in their lives.
Severus Snape looked at his flat, rectangular package as if it would explode. He waved his wand over it, muttering incantations. He measured it and weighed it. He even sniffed it.
Aha! Chocolate, he thought.
Opening the brightly printed muggle wrapping paper, he found a single bar of chocolate. "Mistletoe Kisses" the wrapper announced. Muggle chocolate. The hook-nosed potions master smiled to himself slyly. He had a special place in his heart for muggle chocolate. A warm memory of Lily Evans sharing a bar of chocolate with him once.
He also, like everyone at Hogwarts, had a soft spot in his belly for muggle chocolate.
For Draco Malfoy, it was a guilty place, hidden from his father. He didn't realise that his father's one pureblood perversion was for this very chocolate, and that he was currently sharing a bar with his wife, Narcissa.
For Millicent Bulstrode, it was a place openly displayed as she good naturedly stole squares of chocolate from everyone else, sharing her own in equal measure.
For Luna Lovegood, it appeared to be on the tip of her nose and the point of her chin as someone had knocked her as she was about to eat a piece.
For Ron Weasley, it was a small place fitting neatly between cauldron cakes and breakfast sausages.
For Ginny Weasley, it was a reluctant place since she knew that the chocolate affected her acne badly.
For Colin Creevy, it was a forbidden place since chocolate made him hyperactive. It didn't stop him though.
For Argus Filch, it was a sad place filled with loneliness. A place that chocolate could hide but never fill.
By the time anyone headed down to the Great Hall, they had all eaten their chocolate.
2: Draco Malfoy
Draco was on his way down to breakfast when he was brought to a halt by the sounds of an argument. Not a big one, more the words of mutual exasperation.
"I have no idea what's going on! We just got stopped!"
"Well, who's doing it?"
"I dunno, but it's disgusting the two of them like that!"
At that moment he saw Harry Potter.
"Morning Scarhead! Sounds like a job for Saint Potter up ahead."
Harry wheeled around and approached with his wand raised. As he came face to face with Malfoy, they seemed to be enclosed by a shimmering wall of light.
"What you doing, Malfoy?"
"It's not me you idiot."
Malfoy turned to leave, and bounced off of the wall. He could see a sea of student's faces beyond.
"Hey, it's got Malfoy and Potter! Wonder how long it'll take them to find out?"
Ron called out, "Harry, look up, mate."
Harry glanced up and did a double take. There above them was a big ball of mistletoe, and the light seemed to be coming from it.
"Bugsplatter! You know what this means, Malfoy?"
Malfoy looked up and his face fell. "Merlin's Beard, Potter, I really, really don't want to kiss you."
"The feeling's mutual, Malfoy."
At that moment their two stomachs protested at the lack of breakfast.
"Truce for the day?"
"Truce for the day."
They shook hands, a wizard contract.
A chaste peck of the cheek didn't break the barrier, nor did a cousinly kiss on the lips.
Cho Chang's voice floated in to them. "You have to kiss like you mean it, Harry."
The two boys looked mutinously at each other.
"If we don't then our next meal could be a long way away."
"For the honour of our houses, for Hogwarts and for the sake of Breakfast then?"
The two boys leaned in for a kiss. Nothing.
They stepped a little closer and kissed. Then closer. Arms snaked around each other, heads tilted and tongues began to explore. Teeth parted and the two boys never noticed the disappearance of the barrier until someone said, "Get a room, Guys. Please!"
Embarrassed they walked into the Great Hall, still holding hands.
"You taste of chocolate."
3. Hermione Granger
She wasn't terribly sure what was the matter with her. She had found herself incredibly jealous as she saw Harry and Malfoy kissing.
She had already been caught by the mistletoe with Ron. She decided that although she loved Ron dearly, that it was as a friend. The kiss had made her see that. Ron simply lacked the passion.
Harry and Malfoy had just radiated animal passion. They had meant that kiss deep down in a way that Ron simply hadn't.
She looked at Harry, sat beside her, and blushed.
Ron was stuffing his face as though it were a gobble all you can in a minute for a sickle offer and he was poor and starving.
"Harry," she began quietly, "that was quite a show you put on with Malfoy. Does this mean your enmity with him is over?"
Harry turned the colour of a poppy-field. "I'm not sure, 'Mione, I hope so. I don't think we were meant to be enemies, no matter what his father is."
"Thanks. I heard that you and Ron got caught just after Malfoy and me."
Hermione's face fell. "Yes. I suppose that I found out things that I didn't want to know in that kiss, Harry."
"Oh, 'Mione, I'm so sorry."
His arm went around her shoulder and he gave her a hug. She felt better. Much better.
"Thanks Harry. You have no idea how much better I feel knowing I have your support."
"That's what best friends are for, isn't it?"
She blushed, and tried to hide her look of disappointment.
Breakfast over, the trio left together. As they walked along the corridor, Hermione was thinking about how jealous she felt over Harry and Malfoy. Suddenly, for the second time, she was surrounded by the shimmering, hazy wall of light. This time she was trapped with Harry.
"It's all right Harry. I think this is my fault."
"Uh, not entirely, 'Mione."
"I suppose we'd better get this over with," she said resignedly, with just a hint of regret in her voice.
Harry's face fell.
"Harry? Don't you want to kiss me?"
"More than anything in the world, 'Mione. It's just that …"
She cut him off. "I want to kiss you too, Harry. More than …"
It was her turn to be silenced. This time it was Harry's finger placed gently to her lips.
He stepped forward and she felt his arms gently holding her. She raised her face to his and saw his emerald eyes filled with unexpected love mirroring her own.
Gently, he lowered his lips to hers. She felt a faint electricity as their lips met, and without volition her arms pulled themselves around the back of his neck. His messy hair was soft against her bare arms, and she felt a heat suffusing her.
There were stirrings deep inside her body, feelings only ever hinted at during her time with Ron.
Her hands sought out his hair, tangling themselves in it. She could feel his hands straying across her body. In her hair and across her buttocks. She could think of no reason to stop them.
Her lips parted and she felt his tongue running white-hot desire across them. Her teeth granted him entry, and the world of individual sensation faded into the fiery world of the kiss.
An eternity later, even though it was barely a couple of minutes, she returned to her senses. She was trembling and weak at the knees. Her hair was a mess, even by her standards, and her sight was blurred. Harry was still holding her, supporting her on her rubber legs.
He looked into her eyes, Emerald meeting Amber. "Hermione Granger, I love you."
Tears sprang unrequested to her eyes. "I love you too, Harry Potter. And yes I will."
He looked happy although vaguely lost. "Will what, 'Mione?"
"Whatever you want, Mr Potter. Anything."
He held her close and kissed her again, and again the fire coursed through her soul.
"I'll take that as a down payment then."
So saying, he effortlessly lifted her into his arms and carried her back to the Gryffindor common room.
4. Ron Weasley
Ron had seen the intensity of Harry and Hermione's kiss. He realised in that instant that it was over between Hermione and himself. He was sorry, but he was also glad. He knew that he wasn't the one Hermione wanted, he had always known that he was second choice. He would give them his blessing later.
A tiny part of him realised that he had just crossed the line from being a child to being an adult, and he was glad. He was envious of Harry and Hermione, but that was all. He was, more than anything, happy for them. Now what he needed was a walk, and to consider finding a date for the Christmas Ball to be held tonight.
He wandered the halls of Hogwarts aimlessly, just enjoying the atmosphere of expectation permeating the place.
Lost in his thoughts, he collided with someone. Someone soft …
He thought a rude word when he realised that there was that self-same barrier around him and this person.
Another rude word passed his consciousness when he realised who it was he was going to have to kiss.
Luna said, "hello Ron Weasley. The lumpsnargle said that I'd find you along here."
Her skinny arms went around his neck and the soft, warm, tender lips met his.
He opened his mouth to speak, and found it invaded by the fiery snake that was Luna's tongue.
Courteously, and then with feeling, he embraced the girl who was kissing him so ferociously, seemingly wanting to explore his tonsils.
The barrier was still there, so he began to kiss her back. Suddenly, he was kissing her. No longer the insincere kiss that attempted to drop the barrier, but the deep, loving soul-kiss he had always dreamed of. He lost himself in the kiss, hands wandering where they would.
He came back to himself looking into Luna's sapphire-blue eyes. Somehow, he knew, he had just fallen in love with the woman he wanted to spend his life with. No words were necessary.
There was a window seat, and he wordlessly led Luna to it. Sitting her on his lap, he continued with the loving kiss that they had already begun.
5. Ginny Weasley
Ginny had seen both of Harry's kisses. She knew that he had never shown as much passion toward her as he showed to Ferret-boy. She didn't think she could show him as much passion as Ferret-boy had showed him. And his kiss with the Granger girl should have been censored immediately. She could still feel the sexual tension that had radiated off those two as they kissed.
She wandered the corridors. Seeing Luna, she decided to have a chat with her girl friend. Then she saw Luna and Ron.
She left, trotting along the deserted corridors. Deciding to go for a walk in the snow, she headed downwards.
There were two boys in a clinch. Crabbe and Goyle, and the barrier had obviously already collapsed in disgust, but they were obviously enjoying themselves. Now that was just wrong, she thought, no way should that be allowed in public.
She swung around a corner and ran into Malfoy.
"Ahh, miss Weaslette. Good morning and Merry Christmas."
"What you happy about Ferret-boy?"
"Oh, not friendly. I'm happy because Harry and I have put aside our differences. But you, well, I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry. I know that you and Harry … well, let's just say that I saw the kiss too."
She looked at him aghast.
"You're serious, aren't you." A statement, not a question.
"Yes. Now, it looks as though we need to put aside our differences too."
She looked and groaned. She knew that the barrier had caught them, too.
"For what it's worth, Miss Weasley, I've always thought you pretty in a fiery kind of way. Attractive rather than beautiful."
"And that's supposed to be a compliment?"
The blonde boy nodded. "It's more to me than beauty. I remember all too well the vapid pretties from Beauxbatons, and the empty-headed decorations here, well. My Uncle Grautius always said that looks may fade, but intelligent conversation only gets better. And you're no air-head. besides, you have looks too."
There was no hint of a lie in his steel-grey eyes. No, there was something else.
"Well, unless you want to answer me and believe me, I'd love to stand here all day chatting, we have to kiss each other to get wherever we were going."
"I was going outside to clear my head a bit."
"Well, perhaps you would allow me to escort you, once we get rid of this, oh-so-theatrical barrier." there was laughter in his eyes, she noticed.
"I'd like that, Draco," she said simply, and leaned in to receive her kiss.
It was like a fire had been lit in her belly. A fire that travelled through her veins to her extremities. Her lips ached with the heat of his lips. Vaguely, she was aware of his arms holding her, of her arms holding him. The fire of the kiss coursed through her, searing and cauterising past enmities. And then, it was before her. The veil was gone, she saw his soul naked as he saw hers, and the thing that linked them. Love. Endless, eternal, all-enduring, all-encompassing love.
As their kiss ended, she said simply, "I don't think I want to go for a walk now. Perhaps we could go and talk in private."
His arm around her waist, he led her somewhere quiet and secluded. Somewhere with a log fire and a comfortable sofa.
6. Millicent Bullstrode
She was going outside to get away from the strangeness indoors. She saw Crabbe and Goyle trapped by the accursed mistletoe. She also saw that there was no hesitation on their parts, and that they continued their embrace long after it was needed. She shrugged mentally. It wasn't her problem. At least they had partners in each other. She was alone.
She wandered outside and walked through the snow. Somehow the snow always made her feel better. She was aware that she was alone in the world, but that was fine, she thought.
She wandered down toward the lake, and in the edge of the woods caught sight of a figure she didn't recognise. A girl, begowned and simply walking.
"Excuse me, but are you lost, Miss?"
The figure turned, revealing itself to be none other than Justin Finch-Fletchley. In a gown. With his hair up. And make up. And …
Entranced, Millicent took a step toward the figure, and he ran.
She chased him into the entrance hall, finally colliding with him as he stopped to look in horror at Crabbe and Goyle still obliviously trying to eat each-other's faces.
Justin turned to see who had run into him. What Millicent saw was a feminine face without any sign of beard or beetle-brow.
What Justin saw was a rather masculine woman towering over him, but for once, without threatening. Just then they both noticed that they had been trapped under the cursed mistletoe.
"How much of the stuff is there around the castle?"
"Just enough, Justine. Just enough."
She put her hands gently to the boy's cheeks and lowered her mouth to his. Then, she moved her hands to his hips, feeling his arms snake around her neck. Her first kiss, and what a kiss … she gently took charge of Justin, her tongue tenderly requesting access to his mouth and her hands wandering across his body.
He responded in kind, tentatively taking small liberties with her and enjoying thoroughly his first real kiss.
When they finally broke apart, they went to find a quiet corner to talk, Millicent quite definitely leading her new boyfriend, and he following meekly.
"It takes all sorts, I suppose," thought the headmistress as she watched the young couple leaving.
7. Minerva McGonagall
As she reached the top of the stairs on the way to her office she met Snape.
"I wonder if I may take a moment of your time. It's about the, ahem, events taking place around the castle."
She shook her head. "I have as much idea as you have, Severus. Headmaster Dippett tells me that something similar happened about eighty years ago, but no culprits were ever found. Indeed, he suggested that the castle itself may be responsible."
"But the chocolate?"
"I have no idea, Severus, but I did enjoy a little before breakfast."
They passed each other, only to rebound from the sudden barrier that surrounded them.
"And tell me, did the late headmaster impart any intelligence as to how long the curse lasts for?"
"Until midnight tonight was what he said. I have no idea if we could wait out the curse, if that's what it is."
"Forgive me headmistress, but I have to say I have no desire to kiss you. It is not something I do."
"Of course not Severus, nor I you. Ours has always been a professional relationship. Besides, we both, I feel, keep faith with the memories of our own past loves."
Snape looked uncomfortable.
"Come now, Severus, I know you thought the world of Lily Evans. Perhaps the kindest witch to pass through these hallowed halls. You have told me so yourself."
"I do believe the barrier is getting closer, Headmistress."
"You are right, Severus. I fear that we will be unable to wait out the curse."
A few seconds later the barrier forced the pair into unseemly close proximity.
"Excuse me Headmistress, but …"
"Under the circumstances, I feel that Minerva would be appropriate."
Sighing and apologising to the memory of her lost love, she put her arms around Snape and looked up at him. He seemed to be at a loss as to what was expected of him.
"Severus … look at me. It's quite simple. Most people do it at some time in their lives."
He looked down at her, still perplexed. His expression changed to surprise as she began to kiss him.
Hmmm, he tastes of Listerine and coffee, was McGonagall's thought, a pleasant surprise considering his unkempt appearance.
She broke off the kiss. "Listerine, Severus? A muggle remedy?"
"Whatever I do, there are some things that muggles simply do better, Minerva …"
She silenced him with her lips, and this time he responded in kind. Within a few seconds the magic was satisfied and the curse moved on, unnoticed by the two teachers.
8. Neville Longbottom
Neville had seen what happened to professors Snape and McGonagall, and he hurried off before he saw them kiss. Somehow he knew that he would have to find some way of stopping the nightmares he was bound to suffer. The image was burned into his brain like some terrible accident.
Hurrying through the corridors, trying to outrun his own imagination he found himself suddenly nose to nose with Susan Bones who was trying to escape the image of Crabbe and Goyle still making an exhibition of themselves in the entrance corridor.
The two yelped and looked terrified.
" McG G G Gonagall an Snape …" Neville began.
At the same time Susan stammered out, "C C C Crabbe an Goyle … "
Neville realised that he had put his arms reflexively around the girl, and that her terrified eyes were only inches from his own. He blushed crimson.
"I I It's alright. It's only me …"
"I know, Neville. Thank heavens."
She kissed him, by way of thanking her knight in school robes. Shocked he kissed her right back. The heat of their sudden passion might have caused a number of fires but for the fact that there was nothing nearby to burn.
The mistletoe curse passed them by since they were already doing what was required of the magic. If there had been an intelligence directing the magic, it might have given a little shrug.
9. Argus Filch
Filch had work to do. That and persecuting the students were his life. He had his greatest love in his life, Mrs Norris. The story of Filch's life, someone may have said, was a sad tale indeed. And, indeed it was. And lonely, no matter what Filch himself said.
He had no need for mistletoe and snogging on the landings, but he had enjoyed the chocolate bar that morning. Mrs Norris, on the other hand, had enjoyed a can of pilchards.
Filch stalked through the castle, avoiding the kissing couples and avoiding anyone else. One of the paintings had told him that there appeared to be a leak in the roof of the Divination Loft. He lugged his step ladder up the corkscrew of the stairs, muttering and complaining at every step. At least he had a good meal to look forward to tonight. Assuming, that is, that the house-elves hadn't been infected with this kissing sickness.
He climbed the ladder into the divination classroom and hauled his own steps up with him. Sure enough there was a patch of snow close by one of the windows. Strangely, he couldn't see any hole in the plaster above. He'd have to bawl out the stupid old bat for leaving the window open over night.
Suddenly, from the gloom, a wild-eyed creature loomed out at him, which quickly became Sibyl Trelawney.
"I see a great horror upon the school …"
Filch interrupted her. "It's too late, Professor, it's already here. They're all bewitched down there. It's like a really nasty dream. Everyone's at it, even the headmistress, so I can't even give them detentions. Oh, how I miss the screaming."
The Divination professor looked quite shocked. "Is anyone passed over yet?"
"Naa. I don't think anyone's ever died of kissing before, so I suppose not."
"Some idiot brought in some cursed mistletoe, I reckon. Just wait 'till I catches them, I want to see some punishment for this."
Filch was getting worried. The dubious incense up here always made him feel funny, like when he'd first lost his magic. And Trelawney was creeping him out, but he wasn't going to admit that to anyone. She'd been here almost as long as he had, and she'd been quite a looker when she took off her glasses, but that was seventy years ago.
He tried to back away, but his feet were rooted to the spot. He looked up and groaned. A big ball of mistletoe hung from the ceiling above him.
He had a peculiar feeling, and realised that Trelawney was stood so close to him that her shawls and scarves were brushing against him.
"We cannot deny our destiny," the batty woman declaimed, "we must go forward!"
And so saying she planted a kiss on Filch's lips. His last conscious thought was that she must have been drinking Earl Grey, since she tasted of bergamot.
He came back to his senses, still locked in a kiss with the crazy old bat. Still, she only had a couple of years on him. And she was a great kisser, and he was feeling things he hadn't felt in nearly seventy years.
Oh dear, he thought, how am I going to get out of this?
A mutinous thought suggested that getting out of it was not a good idea, that he'd do better to weather the storm, such as it was. Besides, a practical corner of his mind said, at least there will be someone to rub the liniment into the bits you can't reach any more.
Dobby was beside himself with glee. All of these young couples were being happy, and especially his hero, Harry Potter. He needed to make sure that tonight's feast would be just right.
Back in the kitchens he spoke with Shakey, the head cook-elf. Shakey remembered the last time this had happened, and looked forward to the wedding preparations. At least, he thought, there would be young elves to swell their numbers again. There had already been three pairs of elves caught by the mistletoe.
Dobby went to find Winky. He was shocked to find her crying as she prepared lunch ingredients. Being the kind hearted creature he was, he went to her to find out why she was crying.
"Why is you crying, Winky?"
Then he realised that the magic had bound them also.
Gently he raised the tearful one's face to his.
"Winky, we is caught by the mistletoe. Is there something Winky is not saying to Dobby?"
The sad and soulful look in the enormous eyes saddened him to the core. She turned her head slightly and the older elf kissed her lips.
Suddenly it was as if they were welded together. Being magical creatures, this older magic affected them more strongly than humans,
After, Dobby said simply, "tonight you will be Mrs Dobby, but for now we must make feasts for the children."
Peeves was jubilant. He'd wrought more chaos with one simple action than in years of strenuous activity. He scratched his head, as he still couldn't recall how he'd gotten the cursed mistletoe into the school in the first place.
And the idea, well, he wasn't sure that it had really been his idea at all. In fact, whilst he enjoyed the results, he wasn't entirely certain how he fitted into the scheme of things with this particular jape.
No, he wasn't certain at all, but still, it had been fun, and there was a deep sense of satisfaction around him, almost as though the castle itself approved.
Peeves, never a great thinker in life and less-so now long dead, decided to blame it all on the castle. After all, he couldn't take the credit for this one, could he?
But, there again, he had found the love of his death. Hogwarts was more than home to him, it was his love, his very existence. He remembered more love here each hour of his thousand year residence than in his entire life before.
He had trouble remembering, though, there was something about a dragon who loved a man. A foolish dragon and a wise fool. Ah, that there were any other ghosts from his time, they would know, but there weren't. He wasn't sure why he had lingered, most of his fellows had faded with time, like dreams, he thought.. He gave up, the tale wasn't important anyway, japes on the other hand were.
Far, far below the castle, deep among the roots of the mountain, there was a reptilian shifting, the scratching of a vague itch, and once more the dragon dreamed of her foolish love and of mistletoe kisses beneath the great oak woods.