"Bring your filthy mini maggot mutt dwarfs around me," he gruffly begins, "and I'll shove them into my garbage compactor."
Hey kids! Do you want magic, love, and friendship in the form of a huggable, lovable new friend?
"I kill friendship." Perhaps you want the loving affection of a new pal who will spread happiness and joy to all! "If by happiness and joy, you mean anthrax and napalm."
Or maybe a friend who will leave the good children of the world presents of sweets and candies! "Anyone who dares violate my being with fickle pleas for confectionaries will. Be. Destroyed. Survivors will be destroyed again."
Bringing joy to children everywhere for generations-
"Children are the bane of the world!"
- is the Easter Eggman! Ev'ry Easter time, the Easter Eggman comes to give kids ev'rywhere candy! And if you've been a good little boy slash girl, the Easter Eggman will give you a Chocolate Easter Eggman.
"I don't come in chocolate," Eggman growls, clenching his fists.
But if you were bad, then the Easter Eggman will steal all your candy!
"Oh I'll steal more than that! Just send your kids over into my friendly little Roboticization chamber!" Luckily, the Easter Eggman forgives because he loves you, and you, and you too. He loves all children!
"Hssssss!" Eggman hisses as four-year-old little girl with pigtails walks by. And every year you have a new chance to be on his good side!
"My 'good side' consists of uranium bombs and holocausts!"
New in stores this April, Easter Eggman Plush Bunny! We call it, "The Easter Bunny!" All profits go to sick children who want the tender and global love of the Easter Eggman.
"Dying children make me smile."