The Voldemort & Dr. Wilson Show

4/22/12

In the world of crossovers, there was a show called The Voldemort & Dr. Wilson Show. This is just another day for the two of them as they interview random people from their two worlds. . .

Voldemort: *Walks onto the stage, waving at all the clapping audience. He quickly takes his seat* Good morning, and welcome to The Voldemort & Dr. Wilson Show! I am Voldemort, here to entertain all you idiot Muggles!

Random Person in the Crowd: I am NOT a Muggle! I am a Pureblood wizard, and I - *They get cut off as a security guard escorts them out*

Voldemort: Anyways. . . Here is my co-host, Dr. James Wilson! *Gestures to the side of the stage, where Dr. Wilson is walking out, waving at the roaring audience*

Dr. Wilson: *Takes his seat and gestures for the audience to stop applauding* Well, it is a pleasure to be back, Voldemort. I have missed your wonderful, bald, noseless appearance! *Voldemort just shoots him daggers while the audience laughs loudly*

Voldemort: Tonight, we have a few wonderful guests. From my world, we have Severus Snape, Lucius Malfoy, Draco and Harry Malfoy, and Bellatrix Lestrange. *Audience goes wild for the first four people, but go quiet for Bellatrix (wonder why?)*

Dr. Wilson: And from my world, we have Gregory House, Lisa Cuddy, Thirteen and Foreman, and Random Nurse #1! *Audience is really roaring now, except for the Random Nurse (poor nurse, she gets no clapping!)*

Voldemort: Now it is time for our five minute break. Be back in five minutes! *He and Dr. Wilson wave and the camera cuts off, while the TV goes to commercial*

Dr. Wilson: And we are back! For our first guest, we have Severus Snape from Voldemort's world! *Gestures to their guest, who is in his seat next to Voldemort's and Dr. Wilson's desk, looking sullen and cranky; audience goes wild*

Voldemort: *Talking to Snape* So, in the movies and books, you killed Dumbledore - *Audience boos* - and was killed by me later on. How does this contrast to real life now?

Snape: Well, obviously, I am still alive. I never killed Dumbledore. It was just that Muggle author's, J.K. Rowling, fault. And, for the record, if I hear anymore boos from the audience for me, I will Avada Kedavra them faster than they can say "Dumbledore is gay"! *Audience remains quiet, while Voldemort and Dr. Wilson look a little bit scared*

Dr. Wilson: Okay. . . Well, there are some rumors going around that there is something going on between you and Lucius Malfoy. Care to comment on that?

Snape: *Glares* It is no one's business what my personal life is like, and I won't answer that question.

*Lucius Malfoy comes from the side of the stage, stumbling slightly as he does; audience laughs, until Snape shoots them a Death Glare*

Lucius: Aw, Snapey poo, you know we are a thing! Stop - hic! - denying it!

Snape: *Now shoots Lucius a Death Glare* How many times have I told you to keep our personal life PRIVATE?

Lucius: *Sits on Snape's lap, while Snape glares at the laughing audience* How long have we known each other?

Snape: *Sighs* Over twenty years, dear. *Audience awes!, while Lucius grins and Snape continues to glare at the audience*

Voldemort: *Looks slightly disturbed* How long have you two been. . . Together?

Lucius: *Grins drunkenly* Ever since my 5th year, and his 1st year at Hogwarts. It was love at first sight. Or was it love at first kiss? *Lucius ponders this while Snape tries to get Lucius off of his lap. It doesn't work*

Dr. Wilson: So, Snape wasn't of age when you two got together? Isn't that kind of pedophile?

Lucius: Well, not technically, since we didn't start getting into more of the fun stuff until his 7th year, and while I was helping teach as a Potions Assistant. By then, he was of age, and everyone knew about it. *Smiles broadly, obviously remembering times that are not appropriate for an all-ages TV show*

Snape: Lucius, get off of my lap, you drunken idiot! *Lucius ignores him, instead wrapping his long arms around Snape in an almost Death Grip. Snape struggles to get him off while the audience laughs*

Voldemort: Okay, that's all the time we have for these two. Next up is Draco and Harry Malfoy! Stay tuned!

Lucius: Come on, Snapey poo! You know you want to do it in front of an audience! *Tries to straddle Snape*

Snape: Damn it, Lucius, GET OFF OF ME! *Pushes Lucius off of him and to the floor, where Lucius bursts into laughter*

Snape: *Mumbling* Drunken idiot slut.

*Audience is laughing their asses off, while Voldemort and Dr. Wilson are frantically motioning for the cameramen to cut the cameras so the show will go to commercial. The hosts are getting ignored, for the cameramen are focusing the camera on the two guests on stage, who were now arguing; it looked like Snape was winning, but Lucius was still grinning drunkenly, hair slightly messed up from his earlier fall to the floor*

Voldemort: *At the cameramen* TURN OFF THE DAMN CAMERAS BEFORE I AVADA KEDAVRA YOU TO THE MOON AND BACK! *He gets out his wand threateningly*

*Cameras are instantly cut off, and switched to a commercial*

Dr. Wilson: Okay, we are back! Right now, we have guests Draco and Harry Malfoy! *Audience goes wild for the two men, while said men just wave*

Voldemort: Harry, Draco, how long have you been together?

Draco: In the sixth year, we noticed how much we liked each other, and got together. A few months ago, we got married in Hawaii. And we have been happy ever since. *The audience is wiping their eyes at the touching story, while Voldemort just ignores the touchy audience. Dr. Wilson, however, has pulled out his own handkerchief, and was wiping at his eyes*

Dr. Wilson: *Still slightly choked up* What do your families think about this?

Harry: Well, Draco's father is okay, because he has Snape. *Shudders at the thought of Lucius and Snape, while the audience just slightly laughs* As for my godfather, Sirius Black, he's okay because he has Remus Lupin. *At this, Harry smiles dreamily and holds Draco's hand, obviously happy about that relationship. The audience ahs!, while Dr. Wilson starts crying, and Voldemort just rolls his eyes.

Voldemort: Okay, that's all the time we have for now. Be back in a few more minutes!

*Audience claps while the Malfoys on stage kiss, and then the cameras cut to commercial*

Dr. Wilson: Now, we have Bellatrix Lestrange, a Death Eater/follower of Voldemort. *Crowd is silent* So, Bellatrix, -do you mind if I call you Bella? No? Okay - how long have you worked for Voldemort?

Bellatrix: *Flips her hair back dramatically, trying to look sexy. It doesn't work* Well, I don't know, but I do know that Voldemort is one sexy son of a -

Voldemort: Shut up, woman! I've told you before; I will not go out with you!

Bellatrix: *Getting up and pouncing on Voldemort's and Dr. Wilson's desk* You want me! Admit it! *Tries to grab Voldemort, but Voldemort avoids her*

Dr. Wilson: SECURITY! *Bellatrix had grabbed his tie, and was trying to choke him. Soon, security was hauling Bellatrix away, and she was screaming curses at Voldemort and Dr. Wilson, saying she would be back.

Voldemort: *Shudders slightly* Time for another commercial. We will be right back with some people from Dr. Wilson's world! Don't go away!

Dr. Wilson: We're back! Now, we have Dr. Gregory House on the stage! *He smiles at Dr. House, and Dr. House smiles back. Audience whistles at the two men*

Voldemort: There is something obviously between you two. Care to tell what it is?

Dr. House: Yes, I don't care, and Wilson doesn't either. We used to be really good friends, but about 3 or 4 years ago, we decided to become more. So, we became lovers. And we've been happy ever since. *People in audience start sniffling*

Voldemort: Hm. That explains a lot. So, how long have you two known each other?

Dr. Wilson: At least 10 years. Give or take some. As Greg said, we've been friends for a long time.

Voldemort: . . . I asked Dr. House that question, Dr. Wilson.

Dr. Wilson: . . . .

Dr. House: *Laughing hysterically* Good one, Jimmy.

*Audience just oohs!, for Dr. House and Dr. Wilson have just used their nicknames for each other on TV*

Voldemort: Okay, I think that is enough of you two lovebirds right now. Next, we will have Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Be back in a few moments!

Dr. Wilson: Back again! Now we have Dr. Lisa Cuddy, one of the head people of the hospital that I used to - and still do - work at. How have you been, Cuddy?

Dr. Cuddy: Fine, James, like always. From what I've heard, you and House have been fine, as well. *Audience snickers*

Voldemort: Should I be worried about having her on the show, Dr. Wilson?

Dr. Wilson: . . .No.

Voldemort: Then what was the pause for? *Audience snickers again*

Dr. Wilson: Anyways, how has work been for you, Dr. Cuddy?

Dr. Cuddy: Busy, like always. It doesn't help that House hardly does any of his work, like he is supposed to. *House, who is backstage, yells that he does to do his work, just not for a cow like her on his case all the time. She shoots daggers at the curtain that leads to the backstage, while Voldemort does a facepalm*

Dr. Wilson: What about the drama of the hospital?

Dr. Cuddy: Still there. I swear, being the Dean of Medicine is a tough job. Doesn't help that House is an idiot genius most of the time.

Dr. Wilson: Was that an insult or a compliment?

Dr. Cuddy: Both *House yells again from backstage, saying that he is not an idiot, just his team is. People backstage then start arguing with him, and we again hear Lucius and Snape arguing*

Voldemort: Okay, before this show gets out of hand again, let's cut to commercial. Be right back in a moment!

Voldemort: Okay, Dr. Wilson had to go backstage to handle a few things - mostly all of the guest that we have had so far - so I will continue with our next two guests, Thirteen and Foreman!

*Thirteen and Foreman look bored, but the audience loves them, practically going ballistic*

Voldemort: So, what do you think of your relationship?

Thirteen: From what I hear, it is better than Snape and Lucius' relationship. *Audience laughs*

Foreman: Yeah. Backstage while we were waiting to come on, I swear Snape had to hit Lucius upside the head so Lucius wouldn't try to do something perverted to him while people were around. Besides, I hear House and Wilson, and Draco and Harry, are in a relationship as well. I bet they are having a good time backstage right now. *Audience again laughs, while Voldemort looks like he is about to do a facepalm again*

Voldemort: Speaking of perverted things, how long have you known about Dr. House and Dr. Wilson's relationship, and how did you find out about it?

Thirteen: *Quickly glances at Foreman, who nods* Well, we have known about it since it first began - or at least had our suspicions - because House was a lot happier than before he started getting some Wilson action. *Audience people look slightly disturbed (who can blame them? Thirteen put it in a disturbing way).

Foreman: The way we found out about it, though, is an entirely different matter altogether. We were coming into the office one morning, and we find Chase and Taub outside of the door, looking disgusted by what they had seen. The doors are glass, and they were blocking the view. So, we asked them to move out of the way, and they said they didn't think we'd want to know what was going on in House's office.

Thirteen: We, of course, objected, saying that it was probably no big deal. They looked like they begged to differ, but moved out of our way so we could see into the office.

Voldemort: What did all of you see that was so disturbing?

Foreman: Take a guess.

Voldemort: *Looking slightly peeved* I'd rather not, so tell me.

Thirteen: Okay, it's your funeral.

Foreman: We - and Chase and Taub - saw them making out, hurriedly going towards the next base.

Voldemort: Yuck.

Thirteen: We warned you.

Voldemort: Great, now I will have nightmares for weeks. Time for another break, and when we come back, we will have our last guest. Stay tuned!

Dr. Wilson: *His hair is slightly rumpled, from obvious actions backstage* We are back with our final guest, Random Nurse #1! *Audience just stays silent, not really caring*

Random Nurse #1: I have a name, you know.

Voldemort: No one cares. *Audience instantly bursts into laughter, while the nurse just seethes*

Dr. Wilson: How long have you worked at my hospital?

Random Nurse #1: First off, it's not your hospital, it is Dr. Cuddy's hospital. Second off, I have been working there for years, even before you and House got together. Third off, go *CENSORED* your precious boyfriend for all I care!

Voldemort: Someone's in a prissy mood. Care to explain?

Nurse: I hate how everyone doesn't care what my name is, okay? So go *CENSORED, BLEEPED, DING* for all I care! *Storms off the stage and out of the door*

Voldemort: . . . . . . . . .

Dr. Wilson: . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Lucius: *Still backstage* SNAPE! I CAN SEE YOU! STOP RUNNING AWAY FROM ME; YOU KNOW YOU WANT A LITTLE SOMETHING-SOMETHING!

Snape: *Running out from backstage, Lucius hot on his heels, both running across the stage* DAMN IT, LUCIUS, STOP TRYING TO DO THINGS TO ME IN PUBLIC! I AM NOT LIKE THAT! *The two disappear somewhere backstage again*

Draco and Harry: *Running out from backstage as well, getting chased by House* STOP TRYING TO DIAGNOSE SOMETHING THAT WE DON'T HAVE!

House: *Following as fast as he can with a cane and a limp in his right leg* BUT YOU COULD HAVE SOMETHING DEADLY! TELL THEM, JIMMY!

Dr. Wilson: *Runs after House* HOUSE, STOP TRYING TO DIAGNOSE THEM, AND WE CAN DO SOMETHING FUN LATER! *All four of them disappear backstage again, the same way Snape and Lucius went*

Voldemort: *Facepalms* That is it for today's show. Come back next week, if our show isn't cancelled for inappropriate guests and a host. *Sits back in his chair all the way, and falls out of it. The audience laughs, and he instantly Avada Kedavra's some of them*

*Theme music plays, and then the cameras cut off to commercial before the next show comes on*

The End!