I should tell you, I'm disaster

I forget how to begin it

Let's just make this part go faster

I have yet to be in it

I should tell you, I should tell you

I should tell you, I should tell you

I sat in my flat, looking out the window of the street below. Roger and I had been together for a few months now and I was beginning to think it was time to tell him everything. He knew about my history. He knew about the drugs. He knew about the life I live an the life I lived, but there was one thing he didn't know. Yes, he'd met Angelito a few times, and I had told him what everyone else knew. Everyone but Angel that is. Angel was the only one who knew who Angelito was, Angel and my mother. But I'd never told anyone else. I hadn't even told Benny when we were together, but something kept nagging at me, telling me I should tell Roger. How I felt about him, I knew I had to tell him.

I didn't know how to tell him though. I didn't know how to tell him that Angelito was my son... I heard a knock at my door and Angel called out from the other side. "Mimi! It's Angel." I hopped out of the window sill and ran out of my bedroom and across the living area to the front door, pulling it open. "Angel!" I threw my arms around her, pulling her closer to me. "Angel, I'm so glad you're here!" Angel held me in her arms for a moment, stroking my hair. I was shaking in her arms. This wasn't anything new for her with me. She knew what I did. I didn't have to hide it from her, but the shaking coming from my body wasn't because of the heroin right now. It wasn't from withdrawals... It was from nervousness.

I pulled back, looking at her, shaking still. "I'm telling him, Angel." Her eyes widened and she looked behind her before pulling me into my flat and pulling the door shut. "You're telling Roger?" I nodded my head, wrapping my arms around my chest. "It's time. I need to tell him, Angel." Angel was shaking slightly herself and I shook my head, asking, "Angel, are you alright?" She took my hands and she turned me to walk into my bedroom with her. Sitting down on the bed, she smiled at me. "Don't worry about me right now, Mim. You're telling Roger about Angelito?" I nodded my head. I knew better than to push her when she didn't want to talk. Just like she knew that about me, but right now, I was wanting to talk. I wasn't about ready to clam up on her.

"What do you think?" I asked her, wanting to know how she felt about it. She looked down at our hands, nodding her head slowly. "I think you should tell him." I narrowed my eyes in on her, frowning slightly. Her voice sounded so sad. She was my best friend and I didn't like knowing something was wrong and she didn't want to share it with me. "Angel, you know I usually don't push you, but what's wrong with you? You're sad, like really sad, and I don't like it." She frowned, pulling off the wig on her head, sighing softly. "It's happening, Mimi. My time is running out."

I knew this time was coming. I knew this time was coming for me as well, but I didn't want it to happen to either of us. I loved Angel like a sister, and I didn't her to leave my life, not in anyway. "Angel..." She smiled, waving her hand. "Let's not talk about this right now. Let's talk about you and Roger and my Angelito." I let it go, just for the moment. She wanted to talk about her godson and the future he could have with Roger and me. I knew neither Roger nor I had that long. We both had HIV. Neither of our viral loads were as high as Angel's. It was far more advanced with her, and from what she was saying, she didn't have much more time. So, that's why she wanted to live vicariously off of the life Angelito and I could have with Roger.

"I think you should tell him, Mimi. We've all seen you together. He loves you more than anyone ever has or ever will." I nodded my head softly. "And you know I love him, Angel." Angel smiled, giving my hands a soft squeeze. "I do know," Angel said, smoothing my hair back from my face. "Tell him, sweetie. He needs to know." I smiled softly at Angel, wrapping my arms around her. "I love you, Angel. I don't know what I'd do without you." I knew I'd be finding out sooner rather than later, and I didn't want to think about that. I couldn't lose Angel, but I knew I would be, and I hate that.

Angel left and I got ready for work. I left my flat and headed down the stairs, stopping right outside Roger and Mark's apartment. I took a deep breath and walked over the door, knocking on it. It wasn't long before the door opened and Mark was standing in front of me. "Mimi. Hey. You want to come in?" I shook my head. "No. I'm on my way to work. Is Roger here?" Mark stepped back and I could see Roger sitting on the couch, playing his guitar. "Roger," Mark called back to him. He turned back to me. "Would you like me to leave you two alone?" I shook my head quickly. "No, that's ok." I turned toward Roger. "Do you think you could walk me to work?"

"Oh," he said, laying his guitar down on the couch beside where he was sitting, standing up. "Sure." He walked over toward Mark and me, patting him on the back. "Don't wait up." Mark laughed. "Of course not." Mark laughed, nodding to me as we stepped out into the hall and started walking down the stairs. He slid his arm around his waist and I smiled up at him, my teeth scraping over my bottom lip in nervousness. "Are you alright?" Roger asked me, his hand brushing softly against my side. I smiled, but only barely. "I should tell you..." I shook my head. "Never mind."

Trusting desire, starting to learn

Walking through fire without a burn

Clinging a shoulder a leap begins

Stinging and older, asleep on pins

He narrowed his eyes down in on me, shaking his head. "No. Tell me, Mimi. I can tell there's something." We stepped out into the late summer night air around us and I reached down, to take his hand, lacing my fingers with his, looking down at our hands as they intertwined. "I want to tell you about Angelito." He brought my hand to his chest, sensing my anxiety. "Is something wrong with your brother?" I shook my head, looking away from him. Jesus, this was harder than I ever imagined, and I had been scared to death to tell him. "No, nothing is wrong with him." I looked down at the ground as we continued to walk toward Avenue B.

"And he's not my brother." Roger stopped and I kept my face turned down to the ground, at least until he turned me to face him. "Say that again," he said shortly. I searched his eyes for something that would tell me that he had heard me and he just needed confirmation and he wasn't going to flip out on me. "Angelito's not my brother," I told him plainly, not pulling my eyes from his. He shook his head. "If he's not your brother, what is he? Cousin? Is your mother raising her nephew or something?" I laughed shortly. "I wish it were that easy." He shook his head again. "Then explain it to me, because I don't know what you're trying to tell me here."

I looked away from him, trying to gather the strength I needed to tell him this. Looking back at him, I told him straight out. "Angelito is my son." Roger dropped my hand from where he held it on his chest. I slowly pulled it back toward me as he took a step back. "Say that again," he said, panic washing all over his face. "Roger..." I knew I didn't have to say it again. He had heard me, plain as day. Shaking his head, he took another step back, looking around as though he was looking for a way out. He looked like a dog backed into a corner with no way to escape. "Roger," I spoke his name again, this time more firmly, grabbing his attention.

He turned his head back to me, holding his hand up. "I ..." He shook his head and turned around, starting to walk away from me. "Roger!" I called after him as he shook his head yet again. "I just..." But he wouldn't say what he just anything. He didn't say anything as he practically booked it back toward the apartment building. I looked around, not really caring if anyone had been watching, but feeling like they were. I wrapped my arms tightly around my body, and turned, heading toward the Cat Scratch Club.

I hadn't been able to focus on work all night. All I could see was Roger's ashen face staring back at me when I told him Angelito was my son. He couldn't even speak to me after I told him. He ran away as quickly as possible. I'd never seen him run so quickly. Not litterally, of course. But he looked scared, panicked, and he wanted to get away from me as quickly as possible. I got dressed and left the club once my shift was over. I barely even noticed the other girls telling me good night as I walked out the door. I started rubbing my arms, even though it wasn't cold at all. "Without you, the breeze warms. The girl smiles. The cloud moves, without you. The tides change. The boys run. The oceans crash. The crowds roar. The days soar. The babies cry." I wiped away a soft tear, hating to cry. "Without you. The moon glows. The river flows. But I die... without you."

I walked into my flat, pulling the door shut and heading into my bedroom. I froze, seeing Roger there sitting in the moonlight on my bed. "Roger?" He stood, walking over to me, placing his hands on my arms. He looked down at me for a while before silently speaking, "Tell me everything." I couldn't even begin to explain the relief I felt in my heart. I had been sure I'd never see him again, but here he was, standing in front of me wanting to know more about Angelito. I took his hands in mine, pulling him over to sit on the bed with me. I explained to him how I had gotten involved with Trey Rialto, how he was the one who got me into drugs and all that. I told him that I trusted Trey when I shouldn't have, and that's when I got pregnant.

"Thank you for telling me, Mimi." He ran his fingers through my hair and I smiled softly at him. "I was afraid to tell you, Roger." He pulled me closer to him, holding me in his arms. "I'm glad you did." Roger pulled me to lay down on the bed with him and I laid there in his arms. Once I was actually able to get it out, it wasn't as difficult as I thought it was going to be. Roger was very understanding, and he didn't run away like I thought he would. He didn't run away like he had earlier. I had to realize that he needed his time to think. And once he was able to gather his thoughts, he had time to realize that just because I had a child, it didn't change who I was. He was very understanding, and I was so grateful for it.