The Crystal Flagon


A grey haired cat once entered a bar and posed a question to the bartender, "Sir, might I have a drink in exchange for monetary compensation?"

To which the bar tender responded, "Why yes you may. In fact, I shall pour it for you in this flagon that you can see me cleaning now."

For indeed the bartender was in fact cleaning a sizable flagon of fine crystal.

To drink from such a fine artifact was a prospect which held great appeal to the cat, whose name was Leo Leonardo the Third, and he expressed his enthusiasm heartily. "That would be an activity of the highest degree of pleasantness. I thank you for the use of your fine flagon."

Little known to both parties, however, there was a woman eavesdropping on their conversation. A woman of a pink complexion.

Upon hearing the bartender's intention to let the man drink from the prized flagon, she was filled with a frothing rage much like the froth of the fine beverages served at the establishment in which this altercation took place.

For it was true that the woman did in fact desire the use of the flagon herself and had had her eye on it for quite some time before the man had walked in.

Having decided her course of action, she sauntered up to the table and addressed both men, "See here you two oafs. I have had my eye on that particular flagon for some time before you-", she pointed at the man, "-came in and stole it away from me."

The man was offended greatly by this statement and demanded satisfaction for such an insult. "I demand satisfaction. I have not stolen this flagon, here. As you can see the bartender offered it to me of his own accord. I therefore demand that we engage in a duel."

The woman felt inclined to accept his offer, so being the direct woman she was, she did. "Very well. We shall have a duel." She drew her sword. "Prepare yourself."

The man reached to his belt and withdrew his own sword. "Thank you for waiting. I am now prepared for the dual which we have previously agreed to engage in."

The woman nodded courteously. "Yes. We shall engage in the duel now."

They engaged in the dueling.

The duel was most dramatic in its execution, both parties leaping and bounding from various high places throughout the bar. There was also much swinging from high things as well.

Amidst the chaos of upturned tables and scurrying bar patrons the man spoke. "Ha ha. I see that your dueling abilities are most excellent, for we have performed many intricate and complicated maneuvers of a difficult and visually appealing nature."

The woman spoke as well. "I must agree that we appear to be most skilled. I am afraid that my dueling abilities are much impaired by my various petticoats however, for they are both cumbersome and ungainly."

An idea occurred to the man. "Perhaps then you should remove them."

The woman slapped the man in the face. "You suggest that I remove my clothing?"

The man rubbed his face, for it did hurt. "I do suggest that. For you have in fact stated that they are both cumbersome and ungainly."

The woman conceded his point, for his statement was true. "That is a truth that you have spoken."

The man once again spoke. "I posit that you remove your clothing. For the sake of the duel, there can be no alternative."

Though uncomfortable, the woman agreed. "Very well, I shall remove my clothing, for I wish to win the flagon for which we are competing in this duel that we are now performing."

The man ceased his dueling momentarily. "Yes, for the flagon is our only motivation for doing any of this."

The woman began to disrobe. "Yes. Clearly the flagon is all that we are doing this for."

As her dress slipped past her shoulders and down her body, an oar hit her on the back of the head.

The bartender, having stepped out from behind the bar, said as he hit the man on the head with the oar that he was holding, "There will be no disrobing in my bar. I do not condone such behavior as disrobing in my bar."

The man fell with an oof.

The next day the man and the woman woke up and were fully clothed in the bar.

In front of each stood a full crystal flagon of equal marvel and excellence filled with beverage.

Realizing this each seized their flagon and enjoyed a drink.

From behind the bar, the bartender, who had been waiting for this very moment, said, "There were in fact two flagons all along."

The next day, the man and the woman, whose name the man later discovered was named Aeris, were married.

The bartender continued to tend his bar and every evening from that day onward a duel between the man and the woman was staged in the bar .

The bar was very popular and everybody lived happily ever after.


A/N: This is a bit I wrote some time ago that I actually adapted for VG Cats only moments ago. It just struck me that some of you might have been getting impatient for the next chapter of "Into the Paloridian" and rightfully so. Sadly it isn't finished so I can not give it to you yet, but I thought that since I couldn't give you that then I could at least give you a little something.

I remember that this was a lot of fun to write and to read later. It was amazing thinking of how easy it would have been to adapt for a VG Cats story for some absurd fun, so I did. I hope you all enjoyed this because from now on I'm going to do short stories for you very time that I feel like an update is slow in coming.

Oh, and for those of you who are not familiar with "Into the Paloridian" I can assure you that what you see above is not my normal writing style. This story was written in this style specifically aiming for redundancy and humor, so fear not.

Fondly,

your affectionate and apologetic Deep Sea Anchor