(A.N. So, staying with the Italies, here's what really happened between them and Spain, France, Austria, and HRE. If you catch the Horrible Histories reference, you're awesome!)

Standard Disclaimers Apply

After the Roman Empire fell in 476 AD, Italy split into separate "city-states" that fought all the time. Particularly bad mini-wars were between Milan and Venice, who had sort of a sibling rivalry between them. I say mini-wars because each of the five great Italian powers (Venice, Milan, Florence, Naples, and the Papal States) had an equal amount of power; none had the ability to defeat the others. This pretty much stops after 1454, when Venice and Milan signed a treaty at Lodi. Later that same year, Florence joined Venice and Milan in peace and in 1455 the Pope and the king of Naples join in an alliance, sometimes called the Italian League, in which all five powers pledge "mutual non-aggression". The peace holds pretty well except for the tension between Milan and Naples. And the assassination attempt on Lorenzo de' Medici's life. And the attack by Naples on Florence that was sponsored by the Pope... But otherwise, all fine! Or so we thought! In 1494, the duke of Milan urges the king of France (Charles VIII) to come and attack Naples. It takes a little persuasion, but in September 1494, he comes over the Italian Alps with 30,000 men. They pass peacefully through Milan and expect to do the same through Florence's Truscan lands, because they're only after Naples. But, Florence had recently become Naples' ally. Trying to head off any disputes, the young Piero de' Medici makes his way to the French camp in an act of diplomacy. Both rulers were young and inexperienced (in their early 20's), and the French are better off. Charles emphasizes that all he wants is an assurance of Florence's goodwill, but adds that a convincing token of this 'goodwill' would be to also hand over the ports of Pisa and Livorno. Records suggest that the French are astonished when Piero agrees. Charles and his men gladly occupy Pisa and in 1495 Charles VIII reaches Rome. They are met with no resistance, and Pope Alexander VI takes shelter in the Castel Sant' Angelo. On February 22nd, the French enter Naples and two months later Charles is crowned king of his new city. But not for long! The other Italian powers don't really like that and everyone except Florence goes to chase out the French. There was a battle at Fornovo that quickly became confused and ended with an undecided victor, so Charles and co. decided to go back to France. That was, believe it or not, the easy part. Because of Charlie, the rest of Europe wants a piece of Italy for themselves. Northern Italy becomes an almost permanent international battleground in the 16th century. In 1529, Francis I (really his name) renounces all French rights in Milan and Naples, and from 1540 to 1713 Milan was directly annexed to the Spanish crown. After a few battles, it was under Austrian control. Naples was also Spanish-then Austrian-but became Spanish again in 1738. Until 1700, the Spanish Habsburgs (the same family Maria Theresa came from, but she was Austrian) had the most control over Italy, but it got split (pretty cleanly) in half; the Spanish kept the southern half (Romano) and the Austrian Habsburgs got the north (Veninziano). In spite of all this fighting, 18th century Italy was a pretty sleepy place until Napoleon came along in 1796. Among those against France were the Austrians (who wanted to defend Milan and their surrounding territories) and Sardinia (a small island off the southern coast of France). Napoleon snuck up behind the Austrians and caught them with their pants down, so to speak. Because of this, the French gained much of Italy. The Austrians were jealous, so during the winter of 1796-7, there are several complicated engagements with the French (and not in that way, Hungary! Put your camera down before one of them sees you!). By April, the French are strong enough to take on Vienna, and the Austrians back off. After Der Kongress Danses, Italy goes back to what it was before the French came in. A hundred years later, Italy was still going through his prickly teenage phase (if you can imagine Italy being a prickly teenager); rebelling against his Austrian guardians. On March 17th, civilians in Venice rebelled against the Austrians and the next day the citizens of Milan do the same. After five days of fighting, they throw out 12,000 troops that had been stationed there. But, in July 1849, the French try again, and they acquire Rome. In August of the same year, Venice and Milan go back to the Austrians, and that's the end of that. But not for long! Well for about 20 years, give or take a few, anyway. In 1861, the north and the south unify into one Italy and then the world wars break out. This marks the point when Italy stops being bullied as a cute little chibi and begins being bullied as an absolutely adorable country. The rest, as they say, is history.

(A.N. Sorry if this seems a little packed with info, but I'm working on a chapter about the British-American Non-Intercourse Act of 1809. It should be up by this time next week, but I've got another mainly factual chapter explaining the whole cuckoo clocks scene.)