tlhIngan maH! (We Are Klingons)

by Polydicta


Harry knows that he will meet Voldemort. With the headmaster dead and the underage magic detectors damaged, he decides to give himself an 'edge'. A Crossunder between the worlds of Harry Potter and Start Trek fandom.

What happens when Harry is exposed to a fictional character with a worthwhile warrior ethos? What happens when Harry and company decide to emulate a fictional warrior race. What happens when their training makes them physically strong, immune to pain and magically powerful?

tlhInganpu, is what.

Author's Forward:

This is NOT a Star Trek / HP crossover! – it's a HP/Trekkie crossunder. The Klingon stuff is based (loosely) on Star Trek (Next Generation) material.

In speech, text enclosed in square brackets [ ] is the Klingon/English translation


All fiction is derivative and fan fiction doubly so. I make no claim to own any part of any of the following, all I have done is an attempt to put together the elements in a novel fashion, using words and ideas like Lego ™ bricks.

Star Trek, Klingon and everything pertaining are copyright items and the property of Paramount Studios and the Estate of Gene Roddenberry. No infringement on those rights is intended.

There is no money involved – all I do is to share what I do for my own amusement.


tlhIngan maH! (We Are Klingons) - Part 3: Initiation

Hermione was surprised at the changes that had occurred in her friend in so few short weeks. No longer the weeping, moping Harry grieving for his lost mentor, this was a confident, determined Harry. He looked the world in the eye.

"Who are you, and what have you done with Harry Potter?"

He grinned. "I got a dose of Star Trek, if you must know."

She stared at him. "That awful science fiction …"

He cut her off. "Yes, but if you look, there is something else under the surface. I decided to try to emulate Worf. I want an edge, 'Mione, and I think this may be it. Let's just say that it feels right?"

"So what are you doing?"

"Martial arts. I've been working out with my own routines, learning the fighting techniques. I've also put together some weaponry that I'll teach myself to use. The philosophy behind the whole thing is what matters right now. Oh and I've ordered some language tapes. It struck me that a private language might be useful in a situation like the Department of Mysteries – being able to communicate without anyone else knowing what's being said."

"But they're bound to have people who can speak foreign languages, Harry."

"Not this one, it's an artificial language made for the television series. A muggles-only thing."

There was something feral in his grin and Hermione felt herself starting to grin, too.

"Very Slytherin," she said.


The next morning saw Harry in the Grangers' garden working out. He had developed a series of rituals to accompany his practice, much as the eastern practitioners had. He felt that in order to enter into the spirit of what he was doing, he had to enter into the whole lifestyle-philosophy.

Hermione was impressed at what Harry was doing. His stances, blocks and blows reeked of sheer power, the focus he maintained suggested that he was seeing the world from very different pair of eyes.

When he was finished, she approached him.

"Harry, that was fantastic. Could you teach me?"

His answer was a smile. How well he knew his best friend.

"I have a set of gi for you already."


He indicated his clothes. "Gi, karate suit. I got you pale blue, is that alright?"

She smiled. "You know it is. Why is yours white?"

"I chose white because, well, it was what they had at the shop. It's easy to clean."


After breakfast he showed her the notes he'd made, and explained the whole philosophy he had developed, the ethos behind his fictional role model.

"Harry, Worf is fictional …"

"I know, 'Mione, but that doesn't make the ideas behind the character wrong. Besides, I quite like the weaponry, it looks … workable."


Harry brought out the weapons he had transfigured.

"These. I made them myself from titanium, the grips are Dragon hide. Light and incredibly strong. They're based on the weapons from the show, but I've modified them a bit. I want to learn how to use them. Who knows, I may be able to do something to defend myself if I lose my wand."

He grinned, and indicated a dagger with a large slot along almost the entire length of the blade."

"This one I particularly like. The telly show version is just a fanciful dagger. This one however…"

He engaged his wand in the slot, the tip hidden in the point and peeping from a hole.

"A dagger with a wand, Harry?"

"Like Hagrid's umbrella."

They both grinned.

"Harry, could you …"

"Teach you, Mione? No, because I don't know myself yet. I'm making it up as I go, but …"

He reached into his trunk and pulled out a flat box. Inside was a complete set of weapons, magically shrunk and waiting to be used.

"For me …?"

"For you. But don't try to use any of them until you have the unarmed stuff thoroughly learned."

She threw her arms around him and hugged.

"Thank you, Harry."

The summer continued with not a word from Ron, but they exchanged occasional letters with Ginny, Luna and Neville. Ginny was quite disparaging about her brother.

Hermione's parents were both quite taken with Harry, he was every inch the creature they had heard so much about in Hermione's letters. They thoroughly approved of his dedication to his martial arts, as well as to his other studies.


The duo decided to spend a couple of days at the Leaky Cauldron before travelling up to school.

After a visit to Gringotts, where Harry withdrew a large sum from his vault, converting part of it to muggle money, they bought their school supplies as well as new multi-compartment trunks. Harry ordered trunks with large capacity, security charms and with permanent shrinking and lightweight charms on them. Hermione was able to put her entire magical library in her trunk, along with all of her notes and supplies for the year.

They bought extra robes and a foray into Muggle London brought them a new muggle wardrobe as well.

Quality Quiddich Supplies saw Hermione with a set of chaser's robes as well as Harry with new Seeker's robes. Harry purchased two Nimbus 2002 brooms and a Clean-Sweep eight.

"Why do you need four brooms, Harry?"

"The Nimbuses, 'Mione, are to be shrunk and kept in our field kit. I want you to learn to fly properly, and that's where the Clean-Sweep comes in. With its additional safety charms, it's just as a kind of trainer for you. I want you to be able to fly out of trouble if you need to. The robes are just cover. Plus, they are warm for flying."

"Thank you Harry."

"There's another visit we need to make, but we need to disguise ourselves a bit."

Hermione looked dubious. Even more so when Harry told her what to put on. She was shocked when, hooded and cloaked, they walked into Knockturn Alley. There was a shop Harry had noticed on a previous visit. This time, he knew where he was going, and they carried a no-nonsense air that brooked no interruptions.

Tobias Agonistes Septus the sign announced, and nothing more.

"Good morning. What be you wanting?"

"We need wands. As spares. A good matched one and a hold out at least. Each. And twin dual-holsters. What price basilisk-skin boots and gloves? Single holster and knife scabbard in the boot top."

"Matched wands are fifty galleon, spares are ten. Dual combat holsters are seven, Basilisk boots are two hundred and fifty, and the gloves I'll throw in for fifty. You got the gelt?"

Harry nodded and brought out a money pouch, which he hefted.

A half hour later they were fitted out with new wands, boots and gloves. Even the unmatched wands worked better for them than their original wands. The shopkeeper was surprised that they both needed the shortest wands in the shop.

Hoods still up, a visit to Quuirr's Emporium in Fundament Alley saw them equipped with what was euphemistically termed hunter's belts, belts with a dozen pockets as well as loops and hooks to attach equipment. Harry also bought a couple of sport tents, magical tents with simple facilities such as may be used on a hiking holiday. He also bought magical ropes and other tools.

"We're planning a long trip next summer straight from school," Harry explained, "we want to get used to the equipment before we leave for Canada."

"Right you are sir. Canada was it?"

"Yes, and possibly down into the Western States. We like mountains."

"And what name for the receipt, sir?"

"Koorg. Q'rzan and Lenkja Koorg."

"Oh, exchange students?"

"Something like that. Qapla' !" [Success!]

Outside, Hermione was shaking with suppressed laughter.

"Q'rzan Koorg? What makes you give a false name?"

"I've never been asked for a name for a receipt, 'Mione. Not in the wizarding world, anyway. We need to check everything for tracers and spy charms."

She nodded, tacitly agreeing with Harry's sense of paranoid caution. She agreed even more when they took tracers off all of the Quuirr's purchases. There was nothing untoward to be found on their Knockturn Alley shopping.

"Harry, the witch in Agonistes' - she was surprised at the short wands we got."

"Ollivander told me a couple of years back, the shorter the wand, the more powerful the mage. At eleven we both had fairly short wands. Think of the mongering great thing that Ron uses."

"Fourteen inches, yes. Long enough to use as a muggle weapon on its own."

"I suggest that our new seven and a quarter inch wands could even be smaller. What we've been doing over the summer seems to have concentrated our magic. Even Voldemort's wand is over thirteen inches. He seemed to be quite proud of the size of wand he can manage."

They both laughed.

"Speaking of whom, have you had any Voldemort Moments over the summer?"

Harry grinned. "The focus I've learned to maintain seems to have locked him out. So, no, no Voldie Moments, just normal teenage senility."


September the first arrived, and two very different students arrived on platform 9¾. Harry and Hermione were fit, not just school-fit, but athletically fit. They had trained hard and immersed themselves into the whole philosophy of the Klingon Warrior according to Potter. Both had proven to be most apt students.

They moved silently with a confidence and grace that they hadn't possessed that past June. Even relaxed, there was an air of taut spring about them like two big cats stalking their jungle.

The closeness they had experienced while training had brought them closer emotionally, and they had begun to act in accordance without the need for discussion. Just to make things even more peculiar, they seemed to converse in their own language, a language of harsh fricatives and vicious glottals, and lots of flying spittle. When they spoke, it was as though they were declaring war on the world. Their eyes, however, told entirely another story.

They sat in the Prefect's compartment, the head boy and head girl looking more mature and magisterial than many of the staff at Hogwarts. Harry had allowed his hair to grow, and they both wore their hair in a single queue to between their shoulder blades. Somehow, Hermione's hair had begun to behave itself, no longer bushy and flyaway but sleek and slightly curled.


The prefects meeting over, Harry and Hermione patrolled the train, greeting their friends as they met them. Ron immediately started making snide comments.

"Grow up, Ron. Neither of us has the time or inclination to tolerate your puerile comments."

Ron goggled at Harry. Never had his best friend told him off like this, and especially using words not in Ron's dictionary.

"Harry, if you're going to be a pompous git like Percy …"

Harry reached out and easily lifted Ron by the collar.

"Consider very carefully your next words, Ron. Continue only if you no longer value our friendship."

Ron spluttered, and Harry put him down.

"Strewth, Harry, where'd you get them muscles?"

"From training, Ron. I don't think you want to know."

Ron looked completely nonplussed. "Okay, if you say so …"

"I do."



"Hi Neville."

"Ummm …. are those really basilisk-hide boots you're wearing?"

"Yes Neville. Hermione has some too."

"I heard that they're really good."

Harry nodded. "Comfortable, and they should last a lifetime. They were pricey but they will be worth it."

"Um, Harry, what's happened to you and Hermione over the summer?"

"Muggle martial arts. Specialist philosophy and fighting techniques. Why?"

"It looks good on both of you. Ummmm …."

"Can we teach you?"

Neville nodded nervously.

"We can't teach you the weapons work yet, but everything else, if you want. You'll have to learn a new language, too."


"We're using tlhIngan Hol as a battle-tongue. No chance that any death eaters'll understand us. Besides, it's part of the philosophy. A lot of muggle-borns would understand."

Neville's face was now sporting a wide grin.

A voice drifted from the compartment.

"Harry Potter, nuqneH!" [Harry Potter, Hello]

"Luna, nuqneH!. tlhIngan Hol? jIyajbe' !" [Luna, Hello. Klingon? I don't understand.]

" HISlaH. tlhIngan maH, ghobe'?" [Yes. We are Klingons, no?]

Harry started laughing. "Yes, we are, Luna. I hardly expected anyone in the wizarding world to speak the language."

She stood, smiling dreamily.

"My mother enjoyed muggle science fiction. She passed her love of it on to me when she died. Somehow, I always felt an affinity for certain philosophies in the series. What have you done to yourself?"

"We've been training. Muggle fighting techniques, but Hermione and I are also getting into the whole philosophy too."

"I don't think that He-who-must-not-be-named will expect a bat'leth or a d'k tahg."

"Especially a d'k tahg with a wand along its axis, Luna."

Luna giggled. "Will you be training warriors, Harry?"

"Neville has asked me already. Are you interested?"

"Of course I am."


The sorting feast was largely uneventful, but for Professor McGonagall giving the welcoming speech and Professor Flitwick being her new deputy head. The new Defence teacher was none other than Alastor Moody. The real Alastor Moody.

When Harry and Hermione were introduced to the school as head boy and girl, there were stares and mutterings because of the changes that had come over them. After the feast, McGonagall asked to see them briefly in her study.

"Before I allow you to go to your rooms, I need to ask what has happened over the summer that could produce such startling changes in you both."

Harry looked her in the eye. "I hope, Professor, that it might be the Power He Knows Not, or at least a part of it. Hermione and I have been training up in muggle martial arts and immersing ourselves in a particular philosophy that goes with it. We will be training early each morning and spending time meditating at odd intervals.

"Professor, do we have an accomplished legilimens in the school who could help us with our occlumancy?"

"I believe that professor Vector is who you need. Would you like me to speak with her?"

"Yes please, Professor."

"Look, the both of you, I know what it is that Albus has laid on you. If you can show that you are keeping up with your studies, I am willing to allow you both to skip classes occasionally to attend your special classes outside of the school in order to deal with hunting down those evil things. But you're not to let your studies slip, understood?"

They nodded.

"Now, what happened with Ron? I see that he wasn't with you at all this evening."

"Professor, that is up to him. We've both had a cartload of his immaturity and whinging. He insulted us on the train and Harry had to put him down again. I feel that he has been holding us back academically and practically. We haven't discussed it at all, but I suspect that neither of us is certain of his loyalty any more."

The professor nodded.

"I understand," she said sadly. "Ronald has had a problem with his focus or quite some time."

Harry looked at her. "You mean he's lazy and self-centred, and has been lazy and self-centred since he arrived."

McGonagall's face cracked into a smile.

"Yes, Harry, I suppose I do. Now, you know where the head pupils' quarters are. The password is currently set as MacAllister's Boots. If you could wait for a short while, Miss Weasley will be arriving by floo in a few minutes. I'd appreciate if you would escort her to her common room."

They spent a few minutes discussing the homework that had been set over the summer, and the fact that they had read well ahead on their set texts.

"We're trying to keep at least six weeks ahead on our studies this year, Professor. Some of the defence material we've studied completely and have had a chance to practice to a degree. Harry managed to get a hold of some of the Black library, too."

There was a knock. "Come in, Alastor."

Moody stomped in. "Headmistress. It was these two I wanted."

"Professor Moody, we were going to find you tomorrow. We both have a big favour to ask."

He looked at the duo and raised his visible eyebrow.

"We would like you to help us to cast off the imperius curse. We know that it's not usual school policy, but if we gave you wizarding permission to cast unforgivables on us, would it be possible to help us?"

Moody nodded. "I know what it is you have to do. I will help. Anything else?"

Harry looked him in the eye. "Yes, Professor. I need to learn tolerance of the Cruciatus Curse. At some point I need to experience the curse itself and not the simulacrum I have managed to create."


Harry pulled out a pain-stick, pushing the crystal from it's sleeve in the end of the baton.

"The crystal carries a series of hexes that can be discharged on contact. Please be careful."

Moody touched the crystal to the back of his hand and grunted.


Taking the stick back, Harry pressed the crystal to his thigh. He tensed but gave no outward sign of suffering pain.

He handed the stick to Hermione who did the same.

"Has it discharged?"

"No, Professor. It takes several hours of contact to stop causing pain."

Moody took the stick again, and once more let out an involuntary grunt as the crystal brushed his skin.

"Those could be classed as dark artefacts. I suggest you keep them hidden."

"We intend to Professor. We use them only in our own training. From experience, pain causes you to tire quickly in combat. By being able to throw off pain, it holds no further fear for us, nor does it tire us as it did. We had taken to duelling each other without shields, just using pain hexes to prove the point."

"That's insane."

"No, Professor. Harry needs to have an edge - and more than one if he can. If you want to watch one of our training sessions, we'll be in the room of requirement from about six tomorrow morning."

"I will be there."

"And so will I. This sounds extremely … unusual."

At that moment the headmistress's fire flared green and Ginny Weasley stepped out. She looked less than well.

"H-hello …"

"Miss Weasley, welcome back. How are you feeling now?"

"Much better, thank you Professor. The healers say that I'll ache for a few days yet."

"Hi Ginny."

"Harry! Hermione! I didn't recognise you!"

"I think that's all of our business for tonight. I will wish you all a good night and I will see you both in the morning."

Harry and Hermione took Ginny back to the Gryffindor common room.

"What happened, Ginny?"

"Ron happened. Could we not talk about it?"

"Okay, Ginny. Just one thing, was it accident, temper or deliberate?"

The redhead turned to Hermione with tears in her eyes. "Oh, Hermione … I'm not sure. It wasn't an accident, that's certain."

"What provoked him to hit you?"

"I – I'm not sure."

"Ginny, if he causes any more trouble at all, you tell us. He's already earned some treatment by Harry for being a total git. He's changed, and not for the better."

She looked at the duo.

"I thought that … well, loyalty and …"

"Loyalty goes both ways, Ginny."

They gave the Fat Lady the password and entered the common room. Neville was sat there.


She ran to him and they hugged.

"Neville, I gather that Ron beat her up and that's why she came by floo. Any more trouble from Ron, let us know and we'll take it further. Okay?"

"Thanks, guys. We'll see you in the morning."


At five thirty, Harry and Hermione were in the Room of Requirement, warming up. Thirty minutes of stretching, stamina and strength exercises later Professors McGonagall and Moody entered.

"Good morning, Professors. Please excuse us if we continue."

"Good morning. How long have you been here?"

"About thirty minutes, just warming up before our training proper."

Harry and Hermione then proceeded to perform a series of katas, sequences of set-moves that strengthened stances, blocks and blows.

Then they sparred. Fists, feet, knees and elbows. Blows, blocks and throws.

They were fast. They were strong. They made both professors wince repeatedly.

Then out came the weapons, more katas, and then sparring. McGonagall was pale as one of the Hogwarts ghosts by the time the pair took a break.

"That was incredible. You say that this is muggle fighting?"

"This is muggle martial arts – the art of personal combat, as opposed to brawling. We're now going to show you how this fits in with our duelling. We both have new wands for this, so don't be surprised. Oh, and I'll ask you to keep your own shields ready, just in case of a stray hex."

The duo squared up, with a wand in each hand. A bow and a nod, and then hexes and shields flickered and strobed. The two teachers noticed that neither used shields to stop the others hexes, they swept the shielding wand, literally knocking the incoming hexes off-course.

Finally, after holstering their wands, the pair took out pain sticks, and looking each other in the eye, pressed the sticks into each other's shoulder, and simply stood.

As the minutes ticked on, they began to sweat slightly. An imperceptible signal and they stood back.

A few minutes of warm-down exercise and their training session was complete.

"Mr Potter, Miss Granger. I must ask you to please never subject me to that again. I have never seen anyone using two wands like that before. I don't believe I have ever been so terrified in my life!"

"I must complement you both on an unusually fought duel. You would give any number of aurors a run for their money at least. And if those pain wands are what you showed us last night, I have no doubt that you'd be able to withstand a crucio as well. It is quite possible that you would resist a stunner without problem.

"Just one question, that avaraka hex with the pale green light, what was it?"

Hermione smiled. "I found it in one of Sirius's books. It's the root curse that was used to create the killing curse. It causes crippling pain."

Moody nodded. "But you were both hit by it… Ah."


The four left the room and went their separate ways. Harry and Hermione for a shower, McGonagall and Moody for a cup of tea and, perhaps, something to calm their nerves.

On their way, McGonagall asked, "truthfully, what did you think?"

Moody grunted. "Quite honestly, I wouldn't want to cross either of those two without, or even with backup. Did you see the length of the wands they were using?"

"Quite short."

"I've never seen anyone use a wand much under nine inches before, at least, not to any effect. And those aren't Ollivander's wands either. Those are what we usually recommend for aurors. Horribly expensive but very effective. I notice they are using arm holsters for their new wands, and boot holsters for their old."

"I think that the wizarding world is quite safe in Mr Potter's hands. Did you notice anything else, Alastor?"

"Only that they are in love, Minerva."