tlhIngan maH! (We Are Klingons)

by Polydicta


Harry knows that he will meet Voldemort. With the headmaster dead and the underage magic detectors damaged, he decides to give himself an 'edge'. A Crossunder between the worlds of Harry Potter and Start Trek fandom.

What happens when Harry is exposed to a fictional character with a worthwhile warrior ethos? What happens when Harry and company decide to emulate a fictional warrior race. What happens when their training makes them physically strong, immune to pain and magically powerful?

tlhInganpu, is what.

Additional warnings

Some nasty curses are going to be used - moderately graphic and rather grisly death scenes.

Author's Forward:

This is NOT a Star Trek / HP crossover! – it's a HP/Trekkie crossunder. The Klingon stuff is based (loosely) on Star Trek (Next Generation) material.

In speech, text enclosed in square brackets [ ] is the Klingon/English translation.

Translations to Klingon are only provided where the five are interacting with people they don't want to understand them, otherwise, when they are together, Klingon is spoken exclusively.


All fiction is derivative and fan fiction doubly so. I make no claim to own any part of any of the following, all I have done is an attempt to put together the elements in a novel fashion, using words and ideas like Lego ™ bricks.

Star Trek, Klingon and everything pertaining are copyright items and the property of Paramount Studios and the Estate of Gene Roddenberry. No infringement on those rights is intended.

There is no money involved – all I do is to share what I do for my own amusement.

A quick note

This is the final chapter. Although I originally planned one, there is no epilogue - please feel free to write your own.

For this chapter, I have used the Bing Translator ( bing dot com / translator), which is a little more complete than the on-line translator used for previous chapters, and possibly a little more grammaticlly correct. The language they use to outsiders is simplistic, as though talking to small children. It is meant to be codescending.

Reich Ritter:
Canon doesn't tell us much about Grindelwald's followers, but that he was involved with Hitler's war. It is reasonable to suggest that he commanded an elite force of wizarding enforcers equivalent to the Schutzstaffel (SS). Reich Ritter translates (approximately) as Empire Knights whist maintaining the alliterative theme of wizarding names.
The triangular insignia is an upright equilateral triangle with an inscribed circle and bisected vertically - the symbol of the Deathly Hallows.

There are some after words at the end of the chapter.


tlhIngan maH! (We Are Klingons) - Part 7: End Game


The morning after the conflict, dubbed The Battle of Hogsmead, the Daily Prophet was full of tales of heroism and of woe. The fight with the death eaters, the commentaries, lists of casualties interviews and analysis pushed the rest of the news into the three pages between the financial news and the magical sports pages: this was a shame because the murder of Cornelius Fudge, late and largely unlamented Minister for Magic, was consigned to the bottom three inches of the last column on page 24. The fact of his death and the presence of the Dark Mark was, in hindsight, a very significant warning.


Two days following, an army of death eaters attacked the Ministry.

Both Moody and Shacklebolt managed to launch messenger patroni to Harry, reasoning that Voldemort was likely to turn up as the ministry fell. They were all too aware of the fact that there was but one wizard who could deal with He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named.

The battle between the death eaters and the various wizards and witches of the Ministry was faring ill for the defenders. The atrium had fallen and the rest of the first level had been lost.

The attack had stalled, somewhat, at the second level, the Department of Magical Law Enforcement due to the arrival of the death eaters just when the auror department's shift change was happening, and all of the on-duty aurors were still in the office. The death eaters were slowly gaining ground, despite the strong defence.


Just as Rufus Scrimgeour, the elected but not yet invested new Minister, was blasting away at Antonin Dolohov, the telephone box at the Ministry's visitor's entrance was transfigured into sand, and five figures in green flew down the lift shaft on racing brooms, fanning out as they passed through the ceiling of the atrium.

Fifty feet above the floor, the five were presented with a vision of carnage - visitors and the few ministry workers present had been slaughtered. There was a deadly chill in the air, and the new arrivals' breath turned to frost.

Hermione whispered the obvious. "Dementors. nIHDaq 'Iw ghe' 'or " [Oh Hell's Blood.]

"Yay! I want to try a pain stick on one."

"Why Luna?"

Luna's eyebrow quirked, though it remained unseen.

"Let's just call it research, shall we?"

Luna's wish came true a few seconds later. As the glowing crystal touched the ragged, be-robed demon, and with a sound like a wet paper bag being burst, the creature exploded into a thistledown shower of dust and magic.

Luna started sneezing violently before casting an anti-sneezing charm on herself. She giggled. "I think that went quite well, but remember to not inhale the dust."

Fifteen minutes of pursuing the dementors both through the atrium and then the corridors of the first level, and the creatures' miasmic aura was dispelled from the whole of the upper levels of the Ministry.


Down below, the mood of the defenders brightened with the removal of the soul-draining atmosphere permeating from the level above.

Suddenly, the attackers found themselves with a new problem, they were being attacked from behind by a small force of seemingly invulnerable, foreign, emotionless, dual-wand-wielding nightmares.

In the chaos, Hermione found herself facing Dolohov. She drew her modified pain-stick. The crystal, glowing a sullen, deep violet gave a feeling of dread.

Dolohov was outclassed even though he fought like a demon while his green-cowled opponent did nothing but bat away his curses. As he started to incant the killing curse, Hermione darted forward and pushed the glowing crystal to Dolohov's chest.

The death eater started to scream, but was quickly silenced by the combination of multiple organ-bursting and organ-rotting curses. While he was out of the battle immediately, it took him a full minute to finally expire.


Neville had the chance to finally face his personal demon. Severus Snape knew he was fighting for his life and, skilled though he was, he was ultimately no match for the younger man. Snape's training was in duelling, Neville's was in battle. His fitness, agility and strength worked against the physically less fit Snape.

Snape cast his signature spell, sectum sempera, and saw it deflected lazily just as he was hit by a pale grey pulse of magic. Snape screamed, sweating and soiling himself before falling, curling into a foetal ball and whimpering. Neville had become quite the expert in casting the Fear Curse, before creating his own signature spell, a Terror Curse.

Severus Snape died of heart failure brought on by a mind-numbing, all-consuming terror of some nameless dread that stalked his subconscious.


Luna was facing her own nemesis, one Walden Macnair. There had been a minor feud running between the Macnairs and the Lovegoods for the past several generations. Rooted in the Macnairs' hereditary position in the Ministry as the official executioners, serving mainly in the 'disposal' of problematic creatures versus the Lovegoods' hereditary love of all creatures strange and fanciful.

Macnair may have been strong in the arm and skilled with many tools of execution, and especially his outsized axe, but he was no slouch with a range of hexes and curses designed to end the lives of magical creatures, and to then process their remains for potion components.

As a Centaur-Skinning curse left his wand, he felt a sudden emptiness in his bowels. He looked down to see his entrails spilling from a painless, v-shaped, double incision across his torso. It was the last thing he saw as Luna's cutting ribbon whipped across his neck, neatly decapitating him and ending both his life and the feud.


Harry and Ginny were being quadruple-teamed by a group of older, foreign wizards who used dark Arts curses exclusively. They wore the double-breasted, grey, military robes that were the uniform of Gellert Grindelwald's followers. Each sported a triangular sigil on the collars of their robes.

Ginny murmured, "Grindelwald's Reich Ritter."

Harry's eyebrow quirked. " 'e' chaH, 'ach Heghpu' loD " [That they may be, but they are still dead men]


Ginny's bark of humour seemed to perturb the four wizards, but not as much as Harry's speech did.

The final blow was when one cast Schmerzensie, a German torture curse, and the diminuitive female figure just laughed as she was hit. After that everything went downhill for the four former followers of Grindelwald as they fell to blasting, cutting and flesh-boiling curses. The last of the four suffered the final indignity, Ginny's Improved Bat Bogey curse just before being reduced to a roast by Harry's creative use of an over powered cooking spell.

In a moment of gallows-humour, Ginny asked, " tajvam nI' pig?" [Long-Pig for dinner?]


A half-hour later saw the last of the death eaters being rounded up, many seriously injured.

Harry groaned. "naDev" [He's here]

" pagh Ha', 'ej maH ghaH, ghaH wej jubbe'." [We can't deal with him, he's still not mortal.]

" ghaH yItungHa', qaH QaQ DoH, vaj neH marIHnIS." [We'll just have to drive him off, then.]


Arriving at the atrium, the five saw Voldemort standing, hearing a report from another of Grindelwald's former supporters. A half-dozen more had arrived with the Dark Lord.

" Hu'tegh! voldemort, bIpaw jey 'umwI'." [Ah! Voldemort, you have arrived to witness your own defeat.]

The pale figure turned slowly.

"You! Who do you think you are to dare to stand before me?"

Harry responded in heavily accented and broken English. " Q'rzan Koorg I am, and I and my veS loDnI' [brothers in war] are daring much more dangerous than you, bIHnuch." [coward]

The former Slytherin may not have understood the word, but he recognised the insult in Harry's speech. His reply was a cruciatus curse that Harry simply allowed to hit him.

" nuq 'e' pa' ngaSwI' tu'lu' 'e'? qotlh mu'qaD?" [What was that supposed to be? A tickling curse?]

Harry's companions laughed, knowing that the pain had been well within any of their abilities to handle.

" vagh raki mu'qaD?" [five avaraka curses?]

Five balls of pale gold magic flew at Voldemort who managed to dodge or deflect three, and was hit by the remaining two which caused him to scream briefly and to collapse to his knees.

Harry's follow up of his own yab puyjaq [mind nova] hex caused Voldemort's entire nervous system to light up like one of Professor Flitwick's Christmas trees as he suffered a second of total sensory overload.

Voldemort did what was probably the most sensible thing he ever did - he activated his emergency portkey and disappeared in a swirl of magic.

The three shocked followers were quickly dispatched with Klingon stunners. In all, nearly three hundred of Voldemort's minions were dead, incapacitated or captured. Voldemort's forces had killed thirty five members of the wizarding public and twelve ministry workers.


Harry was grinning when the five arrived back at Hogwarts.

"What's got you so happy?"

"That Mind Nova hex? It caused Him to broadcast through his destroyed occlumency shields. I know what his Horcruxes are ... all of them. There's just his snake left"


Harry nodded.

The five arrived at the Headmistress' office grinning like loons.


After a few minutes of explanation, Minerva McGonagall was also grinning like a Cheshire Cat.

"Do you have a plan?"

"Not yet, but we will."


The break came via Kingsley Shacklebolt, who had been the interrogating officer at the questioning of the three surviving Reich Ritter. Kingsley knew that Harry needed to know the whereabouts of Voldemort's familiar, and these three had seen the snake at a place that sounded like an old muggle mansion of some sort.

They said the place was dilapidated and that it overlooked a muggle village and a rather time-worn grave yard containing extravagant memorials and mausolea.

One of the three had recognised the name Riddle on one of the grave-markers.

"Thanks, Kingsley. I know where that is ... it's where Wormtail performed his resurrection. We can deal with the snake."


An apparation to a designated arrival point and a short broomstick flight brought the five above a graveyard all-too familiar to Harry. Above the garden of the dead was an area of formerly tended parkland surrounding the overgrown gardens to a dilapidated mansion built of the soft marl-stone typical of the local architecture.

Even from here they could feel the malicious potential in the wards surrounding the old Riddle mansion.

Above the manor was the Hangar that the Hangletons took their name - an irregular patch of ancient woodland that hugged the steep scarp-slope of the chalk hills that rose above the village of Little Hangleton.

Hangleton Hangar was long known to have been haunted by malevolent spirits and other denizens of evil. These five visitors were well aware that the malevolent spirits were none other than the last descendants of Salazar Slytherin, the Gaunt family - a family with blood so pure that they had become little more than web-fingered squibs and half-wits.

Below the village, in the deepening twilight, the five could see a patch of scrubby trees and the double line of bushes that marked the course of the newly risen Hangle Brook.

"The woodlands above the house. Keep your senses open for the wards."


It was almost morning when Luna heard the snake slithering through the undergrowth of the woods.

She fetched Harry.


Enveloped by her master's layered warming charms, Nagini was hunting.

§ Come little mousie, I hunger for you. A nice, sweet mouse to ease my hunger. Here mousie, Nagini calls! §

§ Nagini! Just the one! §

§ A speaker. Who calls? § She raised her head to better see who spoke.

§ One who would you take a message to your master. § SoH jIH pe' [I cut you]

Harry swung the axe and Nagini's head was parted cleanly from her neck. Whilst Harry had issues with the creature, he didn't want it to suffer for being true to its nature.

As the creature died, a greyish-green vapour rose.

A chorus of "Espiritus dissolutio," saw the end to the soul fragment.

"jubbe' ghaH" [He's mortal.]

Hermione turned Nagini's remains into a portkey. The corpse and its implied message was sent to Lord Voldemort. A number of death eaters never lived to see the sun rise that next morning.


Three days later, an army of death eaters broke through the school's wards.

A sonorus enhanced voice demanded that they send out the half-blood traitor Potter and his mudblood whore, or suffer the consequences.

Ten minutes later, five green-cloaked warriors arrived by broom, in perfect formation. They flew in at incredible speed and landed with a single thump as they stepped from their brooms, which were immediately shrunk and stowed in their robes. Behind them, several professors and older members of the Defence Association emerged from the school's main entrance.

"Where's Potter?"

"He's here if and when you can get him. Hab SoSlI' Quch! " [Your mother has a smooth forehead!] Which comment the others knew to be a powerful insult, if incomprehensible to Lord Voldemort.

The five stepped forward and short wands appeared in all ten hands. They spread out.

"Where is the Half-Blood Tom Riddle? The last, diluted child of a line long bereft of majesty? The one styling himself Lord Voldemort?"

"Who dares speak the Dark Lord's name?"

"I am Q'rzan Koorg."

A bolt of magic took the Death Eater's head from his shoulders.

"Any more questions? Good, let's fight, I haven't had much fun since Diagon Alley!

"nuqneH SopwI' Hegh. tlhIngan maH! DaHjaj 'oH QaQ jaj Hegh! luq!"

[Hello Death Eaters. We are Klingons! Today is a good day for you to die. Yes (now)!]

A sudden barrage of curses was launched from the green-clad warriors. The Death Eaters were caught unawares. Most were fairly ordinary witches and wizards, incapable of much strength in their spell casting. The five ignored the red bolts of stunners, seemed to shake off confundus and other hexes, they seemed immune to crucio and there was a rash of death eaters losing hands and arms as they tried to fall back on their other favourite unforgivable, the Imperius Curse.

The green bolts of the killing curse were simply side-stepped. The five seemed to be passing information in the same strange, barking language that had begun the fight.

A few Death Eaters, led by Rochard Addler, a former SS Zauberer, tried to flank the five, but they were cut down messily by the wands of the small troop of defenders who had never left the steps outside the main door.

At last, the Death Eaters decided to bring forward their generals, more powerful wizards with more powerful spells at their command. These fared no better. Thorfinn Rowle had the satisfaction of raising a grunt of pain from one of the five before discovering how difficult it was to live without heart or lungs.


The battle became fiercer as the Death Eaters spread out across the lawns of Hogwarts. Any who strayed too close to the castle were cut down by the staff or by the green-clad Klingon wizards.

Pansy Parkinson and Placentia Wenlock discovered just how vicious the normally jolly and gentle Filius Flitwick could be, mingling their life's blood on the greensward before the castle's ramparts. An older death eater, Asbolane Pyritus was cut down by McGonagall, transfigured into a glass decanter and blasted before being vanished.

Theodore Nott, Augustus Rookwood and Hrolf Sutrsson were fighting with Ginny Weasley. She used a sticking charm on her mek'leths and banished them, spinning like a titanium Catherine-wheel of death at the trio, slicing into the three wizards, reducing them to little more than thestral-snacks. She retrieved her swords using a silent accio.

Luna faced off against a pair of troll-like death eaters - Stephan Vi'Aitch, a spotty oik of indeterminate species and Morton Bulstrode, a muscle-bound brute of a man with a flattened nose and a scar across his face in the shape of an enormous horse-shoe.

She summoned Bulstrode's ears as a first attack, raising the man from battle-ready anger to unreasoning fury. Her next spell was nothing more dangerous than a basic shaving charm - a shaving charm with the safety clause missing. Morton Bulstrode was now hairless and covered in tiny, shallow but very irritating shaving cuts.

Now incoherent with rage, he threw himself at the small witch, finding himself brushed lightly with the extended crystal of her pain stick. She watched him twitching on the ground as she awaited Vi'Aitch, the pungent odour of Bulstrode's loosened bowels assaulting her nose.

Vi'Aitch was evidently hard of thinking for he abandoned his wand in favour of launching a physical attack with his pudgy fists. Fists which impacted the points of Luna's bat'leth. A barely breathed flame spell passed across the boy's face, causing it to sizzle and his acne to erupt. An intestinal parasite expelling charm hit him next, causing him to double over with the sudden, sharp pain.

Two egg-boiling charms saw the two trollish individuals dieing over a period of seven minutes (Luna liked her eggs hard-boiled, after all).

The Goyles and the Crabbes, two generations of each family, double-teamed Neville. As he remarked later, between the four of them, they rated a total skill level slightly above that of horklump. he had defeated them without casting a single spell. He had waited until they surrounded him, ducked and they hexed each other. All four were removed from the gene pool for the sake of wizard kind.

Marcus Flint came trotting out of the school, a broad grin on his face, his blackened and broken teeth glinting in the sunlight. He cast a single spell, a piercing curse which took down his father, the aptly named Brutus Flint.

He was cut down by his elder brother, Justicus, although he would survive. Justicus and Inoculus Umbridge were cut down seconds later by stray curses cast by the Death Eaters Corvus Bode and Maladict Montague, who were taken down a second later by Harry's ribbon cutter.

Robert Kestermowle, a weak half-blood wizard was lost and afraid. He had joined up with the Death Eaters as a bit of a lark. That and the prospect of lording it over the ones who had lorded it over him as a weakling. He had been clipped in the temple by a stray bludgeoner, and was dazed.

He wandered in a terrified fugue until he encountered a sudden figure.

"Avada kevadra!"

The figure fell. Moments later, he was reduced to a screaming pile of humanity as three cruciatus curses hit him. His mind snapped within seconds.

Yaxley remarked that you couldn't get the help these days. The only reply was a grunt from a former Reich Ritter wizard, one Heinrich von Eifelheim.

They and Emil Stochard were met by a whirlwind of death and destruction in the form of Harry Potter as he ploughed his way across the battlefield, leaving the un-mourned sons and daughters of darkness in dismembered array. It would never be certain whether they died by magic or by the blade, but that they died where they stood would never be in doubt.

The last of the Reich Ritter necromancers, Sjenk Gristheimer along with his apprentice, Rugose Grynchward, were met, mid-incantation, by the ponderous presence of Neville Longbottom. As he was speaking the words to raise the dead as inferi, he found himself biting down on a titanium tube. A fraction of a second later, the pain stick crystal was extended and his head was converted to a fine, spreading, pink mist.

At that precise moment, Grynchward experienced the dubious pleasure of having a bluebell flame being lit in his gut, just before his hands were cauterised. It took him a magical seven minutes to die.


The Death Eaters pulled back to regroup, and the five Klingon warriors pulled back together, seemingly unscathed. More than three quarters of Voldemort's forces remained where they lay like macabre lawn ornaments.

There was a disturbance in the Death Eater ranks.

"He's here," Harry simply said.

Somehow, Voldemort seemed to think that he was standing on the edge of victory. His manner, his arrogance said that no matter what his eyes told him, he believed himself invincible.

He ordered his remaining forces to reform, and to attack in formation.

His remaining forces fell like wheat before the pink scythes of ribbon cutting curses, and the silver blooms of disc-cutting curses.

Lord Voldemort stood amongst perhaps a dozen of his trusted few, the rest of his army lay in ruins, staining the green grass scarlet with their passing.

Across the charnel field, five green-clad figures strode toward the last of the Death eaters. At length, Harry challenged Voldemort using parseltongue.

§ Ashhhh ehhhhahhhh ssssiahhhh ethhhhhh, achhhhh-y-ehhthhhhh! §

The Dark Lord swung to face the teen. He wanted to make this linger, to savour victory.


Harry just looked at Voldemort and raised an eyebrow. "Is that the best you can do, Tom Riddle?"

"Ahh, the fool wishes to die … Ava …"

Harry simply disappeared.

A moment passed and then there was a sudden intake of breath and look of surprise crossed the snake-face of the Dark Lord.

Behind him, Harry simply said, "bombarda."

Voldemort's chest exploded, revealing the tip of a dagger protruding through the now scoured back of his ribcage.

Harry withdrew the knife, and left-handed pointed a wand.

"Goodbye Tom. Say hello to the devil for me. Avada kavadra."

Green light flared and, like an insignificant afterthought, Lord Voldemort was a corpse for positively the final time.

The remaining Death Eaters tried to apparate away, but couldn't. A barrage of stunners and impedimenta hexes slowed them, allowing the defenders to simply jog over and stun, disarm and bind them.

"Harry? I could do with some help here please?"

Hermione was walking over toward him, she was holding a bloody gash across her stomach.


She blushed. "Stupid really. I managed to get caught by some shrapnel from one of Neville's bombardas. It's not deep, just a bit bloody, and I can't see to fix it myself."

That and a broken finger, from where Luna had punched the now late and unlamented Dolores Umbridge, were the only injuries sustained by the defenders. Of the hundred or so of Voldemort's supporters that had attacked, a mere eleven had survived.


They had been sorting the stunned prisoners from the dead, and clearing the carnage for nearly an hour when they felt the outer wards flicker and a force of ministry aurors arrived by portkey, in battle formation and wondering where the fighting was supposed to be. Kingsley Shacklebolt led the party.

"You're too late, we already dealt with Voldemort and his little army. Prisoners are over there, bodies are over there."

Shacklebolt looked. Thinking that the small cluster of unconscious Death Eaters was the mortuary pile and the laid out remains the stunned prisoners, went to arrest the prisoners. Noticeably less sure footed he went to the stunned prisoners.

"You weren't messing around, were you?"

Hermione said, "Auror Shacklebolt, we never mess around with matters of security. You should know that by now."

The five threw back the hoods of their cloaks and, as one, roared their victory to the sky.


rIn ... 'ej vay' chu' bI'reS.


After-words, an Author's Note

Finally, the story is complete. It has taken three computer meltdowns, lots of heartache and about twenty complete re-writes of the final chapter (which included splitting it into two parts, this and chapter 6). This was actually a rework of the third re-write which I found lurking in a dusty corner of my backup disc.

My special thanks to anotherboarduser (FFN ID: 5084126 ) for keeping a bit of pressure on me to get the story finished.

To anyone who thinks it ended rather suddenly, Voldemort was ALWAYS going to die an insignificant and anticlimactic death.

Lastly, the Horcruces - The active part of Voldemort was, in this story, the part of his essence that was intended to be the soul anchor - the bit in Harry's scar was the main part of his essence, and when it was destroyed, it took with it the last of Voldie's sanity, the best part of his magic and a big chunk of his thought processes.

rIn ... 'ej vay' chu' bI'reS. chaq wej ghom maH neH stovokor

[The End ... and the beginning of something else ... May we yet meet in Sto'Vo'Kor]