The Noob Games


Chapter I

"The Announcement"


President Poobah slowly and steadily walked toward the microphone, while thousands of cameras flashed off in the distance like twinkling stars. Everyone is awaiting this year's revelation of what could possibly be, the most exciting Games that ever occurred.

Everyone knew the President was…for lack of a better terms…not right in the head. But the Capitol knows that because of this fact, the President has created some of the most epic Games ever. Last year, tributes were forced to run around in their birthday suits while flaming monkey mutts descended upon them from above.

It ended up becoming the shortest Games in history…not only because of the mutts, but also because of the icy tundra that the Tributes were situated in. The winner of the Games won by luck. Sure, the Games were shorter than usual, but the action was exciting!

Or so the President had said the day afterwards. The winner ended up getting an arm amputated, while his body was stationed permanently in a suit to protect his 3rd degree burns and also to shield his new iron lungs.

The year before was even worse…instead of tributes aged 12-18, all the participants were aged from 3-10. It ended up becoming the most boring and controversial Games in history. The winner didn't even know they won, but was more concerned with trying to defecate as many times as possible before anyone noticed.

There was even a Games where the President entered himself into the games; introducing a once in a lifetime District called, "The Capitol". The president entered along with a Head Peacekeeper wearing a dress…despite the fact they were male. Of course, the President won…but only because he ordered instant death upon any tribute who dared even touching him.

Already, the President has proved himself to be an…interesting successor to the cruel and sadistic President Nimbus.

The President coughed and gagged violently as he tried to turn on the microphone. A Peacekeeper attempted to help President Poobah find the large red button to turn it on but was turned away rudely.

"I do not need your help, rat bastard! Can't you see that I was only trying to kill that damned fly?" yelled Poobah.

The Peacekeeper sighed and went back to his post behind the President. Poobah coughed again, sending spit all over the cameramen near the stage. Poobah cleared his throat, which lasted a good several minutes.

By the time he was finished nearly coughing his lungs out, he was leaning on the podium, breathing heavily, slowly, and loudly.

"Alri…Alright! Alright! I…I got this," he gasped, positioning himself neatly and giving a taut wave and a flash of his pearly whites.

"This year, I have taken it upon myself to create a Games none of you will ever rememb-forget! None of you will ever forget! Damn it!" he angrily yelled, his face contorting into tomato colored grimaces.

A man in a suit quickly came up the stage and handed a bottle of pills and some water to the President. Poobah expressed gratitude and practically shoved all the pills down his throat, chugging the water and burping loudly. He wheezed and coughed again, wasting another five minutes of everyone's time.

Poobah brushed himself off and cleared his throat once more. "Anyway! The tributes this year were specially handpicked…by me! Yes…by me! I traveled to each district and lined all the kiddies up, and picked out the ones I liked. All the names in those glass bowls were picked by me! All me!" he bragged, now bouncing up and down around the stage.

Poobah continued to jump around, even after some of the crowd began to leave, realizing that the President wasn't going to stop this time. A thin man in a multicolored suit made his way up the stage and to the microphone.

"Mr. President…Mr-Mr. President," he said, trying to get the goofy and half crazed President under control.

"Mr. President, I'm really happy for you, and I'm going to let you finish. But President Snow was the greatest president of all time-of all time!" the man yelled.

The President immediately stopped his irate antics, and the entire crowd descended into dead silence. The President slowly turned his head towards the man at the podium, keeping his Technicolor eyes open the entire time as his head turned, appearing both intimidating and mysterious.

The President looked back at the audience and then at the man, and then brought his arm up horizontally. He coldly and ever so slowly did a thumbs down gesture, smiling wickedly.

The crowd went wild while a Peacekeeper came and shot the man point blank in the head with a strange looking weapon. It was small and pistol-like, but looked alien, with violet crystals protruding out the top.

The man was dragged off the stage by burly peacekeepers while dozens of cameras flashed.


A man in a strange and demented looking bunny suit sat Indian style in The Void. He meditated within the gardens, humming to himself and receiving messages of the future and all that is or was.

The Bunny Man sees the reader and appears startled, but calms himself just as quickly. He stands up and clasps his hands in front of him.

"Hello, there. You've clearly caught me off guard. I am the omnipotent Rabbit of the Void. I am here to inform you of some information of the upcoming Tributes that will be participating in the "Noob Games". I will provide a rundown of each character, a short description, their name, and age. Enjoy."

The Bunny Man produced a large clear orb from his hands and stretched it to fit the width of the screen.

DISTRICT ONE:

Bo Solo (17) - A jovial and fun loving guy who seeks on becoming a fashion model, however this also comes with self idealization. He seems to be too busy trying to keep himself pretty for future photo-shoots than to be roughing it out in the Arena.

Babby Instain (15) - A graceful and social girl with a knack for talking-the only problem is, she makes little sense doing so. She's gifted with extreme randomness, and while she has no problem saying what's on her mind, chances are you won't understand a single thing.

DISTRICT TWO:

Gabriel West (17) - A kid with much more brawn than brain…and doesn't really care anyway. We all know he can take on pretty much anyone, but he likes to flaunt his ego and abilities to the max. He's what you would call a stereotypical "athlete", with an outspoken arrogance and over confidence.

Sophia Carlson (16) - She's a determined and ambitious girl, with a tall and athletic build suitable for the Arena. If only she wasn't so clumsy. She finds more than one way to break objects, usually expensive ones. Add this to the fact that she knows nothing about combat or weapons, and you've got one huge mistake for a tribute.

DISTRICT THREE:

Rupert Frye (18) - This guy's a genius, literally. He's got glasses and a rather thin build; literally the poster child for a typical nerd. Unfortunately, he hates being bothered…no, he loathes it. He gives little time for anyone else but himself or his calculator. He tends to be extremely grumpy and pessimistic, and would rather be sitting down doing his "genius level work". He's kind of a workaholic, so make sure to give him coffee.

Anne Riddle (16) - She's a typical inquisitive girl, and would be a genius if she could only remember what had occurred five minutes ago. She's cursed with short-term memory loss, and can't figure why she's being sent off to fight to the death-you can try to tell her, but just be prepared to do so again every five minutes.

DISTRICT FOUR:

Damien Reese (16) - If hydromania existed, then this guy would have been diagnosed already. His strange obsession for water seems to have gotten to his head over the years, and this now requires him to be near at least some form of water once a day or he will literally convulse like a fish on the ground.

Charlotte Reynolds (17) - She's a beautiful girl with a body to match, but tends to take this fact to heart. So much so that she's become obsessed with herself to the point of self idolization. She tends to carry a mirror everywhere. She even speaks to her own reflection… Her narcissistic tendencies will likely be her downfall.

DISTRICT FIVE:

August Schroeder (14) - Please allow me to introduce Captain August, the boy gifted with incredible superpowers and abilities…or so he believes. August is delusional, and cannot accept the fact that he's not a superhero. He claims to possess supernatural abilities…and that he just needs time to develop them, and so he will take all the time in the world…no matter where he is.

Paige Page (15) - Along with her ridiculous name and less than intimidating build, comes a personality that is equally ridiculous. She's trapped in her own world, or too trapped in the moment…who knows? All we know is that she's oblivious to her surroundings; anything that occurs around her means little to her. For example, she'll see a hole…and won't walk around it. Well, at least we can say she's fearless.

DISTRICT SIX:

Gerald Luna (15) - An innocent boy with absolutely no intentions of speaking to anyone. His social anxiety renders him unable to share input in plans or discussion. He stutters, sweats, fidgets, and even shakes when he's told something as simple as "Hello". I think we know who won't be getting sponsors.

Leah Summers (16) - Quite the opposite of her partner, Leah is gifted with the art of movement. Not just on the outside, but on the inside as well. Her mind flutters from subject to subject and her important goals become irrelevant as she becomes distracted by other curiosities. She can't stop moving either way…so it might just be a tad distracting if you're conversing with her and she's jogging in place, or decides to wander off to speak to others. Her permanent dynamism has made her rather light on her feet however…she could prove difficult to catch.

DISTRICT SEVEN:

Tetsuo "Kung-Pow Nakamura Lee" Kaneda (17) - Tetsuo…Kaneda, is what you would call your stereotypical and misinformed ninja. He's a genius on many levels, but he's speaking a language he knows little about. While he does speak an "Engrish" dialect, he cannot drive for the life of him, and yells "Gojira" at the least opportune of times.

Esmerelda Blair (15) - Throughout her entire life, Esmerelda has gotten out of trouble by lying. Little white lies most of the time, but as time arose, she never hesitated to lie about the most simple of things. Her lying tendencies are deep seeded, and it is unknown if she can even help it or not.

DISTRICT EIGHT:

Gregory Thorne (16) - This guy woke up on the wrong side of the cloud, because he cannot seem to shake off the incredibly agitated mood he is in. When you're in his presence, prepare to wear ear plugs, because he shouts every time he opens his mouth. He is in a constant fit of rage and anger, and it's a wonder he hasn't busted a nerve yet. Never ask him why he's yelling or if he's mad either, he'll just get louder.

Kimberly Wolfe (18) - Kimberly…is different, or at least she tries to be. It is not quite understood if she received the proper care and attention as a child, but something went wrong. Obsessed with the art of eccentricity, Kimberley is constantly trying to get a reaction out of people by doing wacky and abnormal things. In addition, despite her District's specialty of thread and clothing, Kimberley does not favor these items.

DISTRICT NINE:

Merlin Manson (17) - If anyone is weird, it has got to be this guy. He's naturally eccentric, and speaks in a jester's tongue; which consists of metaphors, inside jokes, and nonsensical aphorisms. He's impressionable though, despite his odd behavior. He always finds himself in the most ridiculous of situations. And even if he does spew out riddles and nonsense, he still sounds like a genius.

Kayla Howard (16) - Kayla isn't too strange on the inside, but on the outside she's outright crazy. Kayla is preoccupied with keeping things around her neat and orderly, and amidst the chaos that is the Games, she manages to destroy the hordes of pesky bacteria and germs from her "workspace". She is known to carry around disinfectant and Germex. Let's hope she's good at cleaning bloodstains.

DISTRICT TEN:

Maxwell Silverhammer (15) - Perhaps one of the more…interesting characters this time around. He's paranoid-in the most extreme of cases. Not to mention he is extremely cautious and untrustworthy. Everywhere he goes, he looks behind, up, down, to either side; as if he is about to be assassinated any moment. He believes he is being watched or followed, and even accuses inanimate objects of such abuse. That isn't even the half of it; he also speaks in 3rd person. Yikes.

Sammie Dawson (16) - Perhaps one of the more sane-if you can even call her that-tributes of this Games. Perhaps she is normal in the head…unlike other tributes. And she is determined enough to win, knowing full well the idiocy of all her opponents. She is sadistic, villainous, and independent. She commits crime and doesn't feel an ounce of remorse or guilt. She would be a deadly tribute, if not for her horrible bad luck. Her genius traps and plans continuously fail at the most epic of scales…will fate will be on her side during the Games? Only time will tell.

DISTRICT ELEVEN:

Vladimir Molotov (18) - If you guessed stereotypical Russian, then you're correct. He's every Russian you've ever imagined or seen. He's got the brawn and brains in the highest of levels; he's independent and favors small talk. He drinks a lot, smokes a lot, and loves ze' big guns. If you ever need anything to stop moving permanently, he's the guy to go to.

Heidi O'Connor (16) - Much less serious than her district partner, Heidi is one of the most bubbly and annoying people you'll ever meet. She is openly enthusiastic about the Games…and everything really, and manages to annoy every tribute with her endless supply of stupid questions. However, her main goal is a rather strange one: She seeks to find living, breathing, Unicorns.

DISTRICT TWELVE:

Jeeroy Lenkins (16) - It is not quite certain what age and time this boy came from, but we can only assume he's a time traveler. I mean, just look at him. He refers to himself as a "troll", and spews out random albeit hilarious statements which he calls "memes". We don't know where he got information from the past, but I don't think we want to know either. He is cunning, sly, and tricky; and seeks to annoy as many tributes as possible with his ridiculous schemes and "trollish" actions.

Valentin(a) Mann (17) - Notice the last name? Yeah, that has nothing to do with the fact that Valentina is actually a Valentin. That's right, this guy is pretending to be a girl so he can visit the Capitol and eat, sleep, eat, party, sleep, eat, party, and eat some more. This girl *cough guy cough* has no intentions of winning…or does he? He wears a towel for a wig, but I guess it's pretty convincing.

The bunny man deflated the bubble of names and sat back down. "Well, it appears our tributes this year have a variety of interesting problems. Of course, nobody knows who will get picked yet except you and I. After all, my existence is between you and I!"

The bunny raises his hands and time fades to black…


A/N: I've been interested in doing a story like this for some time now. The idea of a Games consisting of tributes with Noobish qualities and tendencies amused me so much I just had to write my ideas down. So my friends, I give you The Noob Games. It will have an erratic update schedule, which means I will update when I feel like it. I am a professional crastinator after all, so bear with me. These tributes come from my deranged mind, and their names are rather interesting...some of them are based on something while others are completely irrelevant. Anyway, this is meant to be humorous; so please do not take offense to any thing or tell me that this has nothing to do with the Games. Honestly, this story is for comedic effect. While I may add some suspenseful scenes, it will mostly revolve around dark humor. My #1 goal for this story is for you guys to laugh your asses off, so please...enjoy!