45Days had gone by, maybe even weeks, since the incident in my front room. I wasn't keeping track because it didn't matter anymore, except for the moments when I revisited the memory.
Peeta had come for dinner each night, like I had asked him to, and arrived on time with a plate of dessert, as he had promised Sae. She enjoyed his company. He's easier on her old gray eyes than I am and he sparks a conversation that differs from our usual. I doubt that she enjoyed having him around as much as I did though.
Haymitch had even joined us one of the nights, although he was about as exciting as I was. He was reeling drunk, as usual, and didn't speak unless he was addressed. That was just fine with me.
After dinner, Peeta and I had made a routine of sitting on the porch to watch the stars. We would talk longer on some evenings and on others we would have little to say, like last night.
Peeta had bid farewell to Sae before he followed me out to the porch. Before we had even sat down, we could hear Haymitch cussing the flock of geese in the distance. After our soft laughter, it had fallen silent. I had leaned back against the railing to gaze up at the moon. It was full last night and the sky was splattered with long, silver clouds that curled up at the ends. I had turned to Peeta, about to comment on the view. His eyes were turned down though, away from the beauty in the air.
"What's wrong, Peeta?" I had asked. I still remember his rigid posture perfectly. He hadn't looked up at me when he answered, "Just tired, Katniss." He had gotten to his feet after that, wished me a good night, pulled me in for a brief hug, and stumbled away to his own porch.
I sat in my bed now, still turning that memory of last night over in my mind. I sorted through my actions and comments, wondering what I could have done to upset him this time. Even after showering and dressing for the day, I still had no answer.
I knew that I was up far too early because when I hopped down the stairs, Sae hadn't even arrived yet. So, I pulled a small loaf of bread apart and fed the cat before walking out into the cool breeze. It wasn't light yet, but I didn't want to stay in the house any longer.
As I ducked beneath the fence, I was beginning to regret not bringing my father's coat. I knew better than to fear anything in these woods, but even so, it was eerie to be the only one making a sound in the forest. Normally, when the woods fell quiet, it meant something was about to happen. It was a caution to all living things, a warning to anyone that knew the place well enough to understand. But I knew that this silence was only brought on by the early hour.
I found my huddle beneath the tree, right under the crooked branches that acted as the rest for my bow. I wouldn't be hunting today though. I just wanted to think.
Slowly, the forest came alive. Birds chirped their wake up calls to one another from their high nests and squirrels clucked from lower branches. I had learned to love these sounds at an early age.
When the sun was high enough in the sky to be noon, I finally pushed myself to my feet. The doe that I had been watching across the lake was startled by my sudden movement and turned to hop off the way she had come. My legs ached from sitting so long and while I walked toward the fence, my joints popped and cracked.
The walk home in the daylight was far more disturbing than my walk this morning because now I could see my surroundings. I keep telling myself that I'll get used to all of this one day, but I know it's a lie. It isn't as bad when I'm walking with Peeta, but we hadn't walked through the ruins of our home for some time now. Peeta had asked me to join him only a few days ago, but I declined. I hated seeing this place in the state that it was in and I knew that Peeta did too. The only difference between us is that he's willing to get over that past and find a future. And me? It feels like that past will always be a part of my future.
I will always hold on to it and I knew it. In part because my past was what had defined me. It had led me to where I am today; crunching over gravel, ash, and long forgotten tears. The other part of me held on to the past because it was where Prim lived. They all lived in the past. The future is the time that we will spend without them. If we forget our past and move on with our future, are we losing them all over again?
The slicing sound of a shovel piercing dirt pulled me out of my thoughts. I would always know that sound because it reminded me of my father. Covered from head to toe in sweat and dirt, he would dig up flowers and herbs for mother. The only recognizable feature between the grime would be his kind gray eyes.
His eyes were not the ones that stared back at me now. In a faded red shirt and work-worn jeans stood Peeta. His hair was wet and glistening in the sun, his chest rose up and fell in deep, panting breaths. The white shoes on his feet were no longer white and at the end of his splintered shovel sat bright new flowers, fine and healthy in the packed soil. My primroses.
They were not pulled up and tattered with broken leaves and tarnished petals like the last. These flowers were unbroken and perfect in every sense. Peeta had fixed them, just as he'd sworn. My primroses were mended. My Prim had returned.
"I'm sorry it took so long, Katniss." My eyes pulled themselves away to look at Peeta. "Why are you apologizing, Peeta?" I allowed my eyes to cherish the garden again. "You fixed them..." His tired eyes were still light when the side of his lips pulled up into a grin. With one step after another, I walked toward him. I guess he must have known that my tears were coming because he didn't say a word. He just let me fall into him. The only strength that I could find was in my embrace as I flung my arms around his neck. I hoped that he knew how grateful I was and that thanking him with just my words wouldn't have been enough.
...
"Where is that boy?" Sae muttered as she sat the steaming plate in the center of the table. Peeta had taken off after replacing my flowers, telling me that he wanted to get cleaned up before he came over. The sun was now setting, the meal was prepared, and still no Peeta.
"Maybe I should-" The old woman started to consider but I protested immediately, pushing myself away from the table. "It's alright, Sae. I'll run over and get him." I got to my feet and pushed my chair in to let Sae by with another plate.
"Oh! Wait, girl!" She called to me before I had reached the middle of the front room. Sae bustled around the corner with the dish that Peeta had brought desserts in last night. "Might as well return these to Mr. Mellark while you're over there." I nodded my response and took the dish into my own hands.
When I finally reached the front door, it opened for me. Haymitch stood in the doorway and halted when he noticed me. "'Scuse me, sweetheart." He flattened himself against the side so that I could slide by him. Haymitch was actually sober tonight. I guess there's a first for everything.
I looked up as I walked out. The sun hadn't completely set and the stars were already beginning to shine. It would be a good night to watch them on the porch with Peeta. I expected to see Peeta's bedroom light on, thinking he might have been showering or getting dressed. Instead, it was his kitchen light that gleamed.
I didn't bother knocking when I got to the door, although it was a slight struggle to get it open with the dish in my hands. I didn't have any trouble closing it though once I was in the house. I was swiping my shoes across the rug, ready to call into the next room when I heard them talking.
"...a couple of months or so. It hasn't been easy finding help." It was a deep voice that spoke. The messy gravel tone was so foreign to me, and yet familiar enough for me to match it with a face.
"I can't imagine anything being easy these days," This voice was immediately recognized. Peeta. "Everyone's got their own mending to do." His voice trailed and I knew Peeta well enough to know the look in his eyes, the furrow of his brows, as he said it.
"I think it's time we do something about it." It was the man from Seven. What was his name? Orrick? I took a careful step towards the kitchen, hoping for a better view. I was the silent predator that I turned into when I was in the woods.
It was the perfect angel. I stepped forward, still out of reach of the kitchen's revealing light, and saw both men. Orrick stood with his back to me, leaning on the back of a chair. Peeta's body faced me but his attention was directed elsewhere so I didn't have to worry.
Peeta began to nod, looking just behind Orrick's head at the wall. "When do we begin?" His lips were pale. Who was we? And what were they beginning? My gray eyes jumped to the dark-haired man for an answer.
Orrick sighed and scratched the side of his head. "We're scheduled for tomorrow afternoon." Peeta noticeably stiffened. Orrick must have picked up on it too because he said, "I know it's short notice, Peeta. Believe me, if I could extend it any longer, I would. I was lucky enough to convince them to postpone until tomorrow. They only did it because I mentioned your name,"
Now it was Peeta's turn to sigh. I wanted to step forward and demand to know what this was about. What was Peeta getting himself into and what was it that had to be postponed?
It took a moment for Peeta to respond. "I'll be there by noon." Now I was really frustrated. "They won't wait for you." Orrick warned, his voice somehow growing deeper. Peeta nodded once more. "I know they won't."
When Orrick moved, I nearly jumped back further into the shadows. "Don't pack light. This won't be a short trip." Trip?
Suddenly, my mind began to put two and two together. There had been trouble finding help, gone for months, trip, leaving, postponed until...tomorrow. Peeta was leaving. He was going off with this man from seven, leaving me for several months. By noon tomorrow, I'll be alone.
Crash! The dessert dish slipped through my fingers and shattered in a million colorful tragedies at my feet. Peeta's eyes snapped up and found me in the shadows. So many expressions scattered across his face in one instant. Then, "Katniss?"
I took off. "Katniss, wait!" He was yelling at me but I was already out the door, not bothering to close it behind me this time. My feet were carrying me across the street but my mind wanted to go somewhere else. I stopped before I reached the front of my own house and then sprinted to my left. The wind was whistling past my ears as my long legs flew. The patting of my feet changed when I turned off of the road of Victor's Village because I was now on new terrain.
My thoughts were racing as fast as my body. No, no, no. You can't, Peeta. Don't. When I finally stopped, it was only because of the aching burn in my lungs as they clawed for more air. My knees crumpled and met the hard ground but I didn't feel it. My panting sounded ragged and foreign, like some kind of sick animal.
The braid in my hair had come loose, allowing large strands to blow around me in the breeze. It was falling apart like I was. It should have been too dark for me to see anything, but when I glanced up, I could make out the gentle curve of the used-to-be-road and the stubs of familiar trees that once were. It was all familiar to me, even in the unrecognizable state that it was in.
I raised my eyes to look ahead of me. In that uplifted piece of earth before me laid to rest the foundation of my childhood home. The patched roof probably caved in its tragic ending, filling the tiny rooms with its contents. I'm sure the walls, taller than they were wide, had slowly disappeared towards the creaky floorboards. The tree that mother had planted when she was my age had flamed down its wide trunk until nothing remained but the uneven stump.
In more of a crawl than a walk, I got closer to the old tree's remains and pulled myself up until I was sitting on top. The stump was uncomfortable and cold, but I didn't care. I felt weak, but not from running. I was chilled to the bone, and it wasn't from the cool breeze.
Where would Peeta go? It bothered me, this thought of him leaving. If I was broken each time he avoided me for a day or so, what would it do to me if he really wasn't there?
More importantly, why would he want to go? I know that Peeta would jump for anyone that needed him. After all, isn't that what he was doing for that man from Seven? He'd mentioned that it had been difficult finding help. Why Peeta would help is something that I can understand... but for months?
My elbows rested on my knees and it wasn't long before I was cradling my face within my palms. It had to be me. What had I done?
That question lingered in my thoughts. What had I done? "Everything," This word came from my lips to answer the question in my head. It was true. Everything that has upset him in the past was brought on by me. And what had I done to fix it? My voice wavered a defeated, "Nothing..."
Very faintly, I heard my own name. The little strength that I had was enough to raise my head. I wasn't sure that I had heard anything at all until it came through the darkness again.
"Katniss!" It was nearly a whisper in the distance, but my name nonetheless. "Katniss, please!" The voice beckoned in a broken melody. I didn't call back.
Minutes went by. Ten, fifteen, twenty. I sat, listened to the voice. At times it would sound as if they were coming closer, and then moments later sound like they had gone the other way. Moments ago, I heard the voice from just down the road. I knew what was down there. The fence; my door into the woods.
I heard their footsteps long before I heard their voice. "Katniss..." They called once more. Cracked, worried. Two, three steps more. "Katniss?" Surprised, relieved. His sigh said everything that his voice had. He came towards me in a hurried stumble.
I could see his arm extend from the corner of my eye. When his hand touched my shoulder, it was blazing hot. Or maybe I was freezing cold. I flinched, "Don't, Peeta." His hand wavered. "Katniss, it's freezing out here. C'mon, let's go home." I shook my head and answered his plea with a question. "Why didn't you tell me?"
His hand finally fell away. I couldn't see him through the black of the night but I could hear him drop to the ground beside the stump and cross his legs. "Because I didn't want this to happen."
There were long silences between our responses. "Why, Peeta?" He knew what I was asking. "They're trying to rebuild the Capitol, get rid of what was and start again." Peeta took a deep breath. "Orrick came to me, wanted me to-"
"That night." I cut him off. "You were with him that night." I could feel Peeta nod next to me. "That's the night he asked me to join them."
It explained some of the things that he'd said and done in the last couple of days, why his mood had been so unpredictable. My mouth was dry and my lips felt cracked. I swallowed loudly, hoping that I could still find my voice.
"Is it really so bad here, Peeta?" My question didn't sound like a question at all because I felt like I had answered it before I had asked. I couldn't blame Peeta for wanting to get away from this place. From me. I knew that I shouldn't be blaming Peeta. It didn't stop me from doing it though.
The time that it took him to answer made it worse for me. He surprised me with a question when he spoke next. "Katniss, what do you want out of life?" I was glad when he continued because I wouldn't have known how to answer.
"I don't want to spend the rest of my days painting and frosting petals on cakes and-and. . ." His words struggled to leave his lips. He sighed in frustration. "I don't know what I'm doing here, Katniss."
All of those feelings of grief and worry boiled inside me until it was masked by anger. I shot up to my feet. "Fine, then! Go! Go and find yourself, Peeta and leave me here with your canvases and flowered cupcakes!" Hot tears welled over the brims of my eyes and rolled down my cheeks as fast as my temper was flying. His hand shot up and clasped mine. My attempts at jerking away were feeble and pathetic, displaying my hopelessness like an open book.
He pulled me to the cold ground where he was sitting and curled me over his lap and against his chest. "Katniss, I-" He rested his chin on top of my head. "I didn't think you would see it that way." The sky grew continuously darker as it closed around us and gave us our space.
"What's left for me here if you're running around the Capitol?" I dried my face with the ends of my sleeves although it was no use. They were quickly replaced by fresh tears. "Haymitch and I will end up killing each other. And Sae will have nobody but those stupid geese to take care of," I sniffed. I could feel Peeta fighting a smile. "You forgot about the cat."
I pushed at his arm. "You're not helping, Peeta. I'm being serious. This place will be a wreck without you and so will I."
He was quiet, all but the sound that he made while pushing the loose hair from the side of my face. His cheek pressed against the side of my head then and his lips were at my ear. "Come with me, then."
To the Capitol? It didn't sound like a place that I wanted to be right now. Or ever, for that matter. What did I have to lose by going there, though? It was better than staying here and losing Peeta.
"That doesn't sound like something Dr. Aurelius would approve of." I said, imagining his reaction at hearing that Peeta and I had decided to visit the Capitol so early in our healing. Peeta snorted and shook his head. "Since when do you listen to him anyway?"
...
The top of my travel bag fell into place, fitting snugly over the supplies that sat beneath. The bag was a loan from Haymitch, which he retrieved from his closet last night after hearing our news. We had finally walked through my front door and found Haymitch and Sae waiting at the table. Each of them were shocked to hear that we were leaving for so long and at such short notice.
I lifted the bag from my bed and smoothed the sheets over where they had crinkled. I stepped through my bedroom door and glanced back. It would be a little while before I would see it again.
All of my packed belongings were placed neatly in the front room in a small pile. Just as Orrick had warned Peeta not to do, I had packed light. There were only a few given things that I found necessary to bring, besides the essentials. It wasn't long before Sae was walking through the door.
I had asked her for only one thing: to throw scraps out for Buttercup when she got the chance. There was no sense in bringing the cat with me. He would be miserable away from home. Sae had agreed to it and I told her that the house was there for whenever she wished to stay.
"The boy's out front," Sae said with a smile, although it didn't reach her eyes. I hated seeing her upset that we were leaving.
"Thank you, Sae." I said, slinging the bag's strap over my shoulder. As I passed her, I stopped to hug her. "It's only for a couple of months." I reminded her. Those wise hands of hers patted my back after a moment but she didn't say anything.
When my eyes found Peeta, he was standing in the road. He was facing his house with his bag in one hand and the other running fingers through his hair. It wasn't long before he turned and found me. Whatever he had been feeling before seemed to vanish and a smile quickly filled his features.
"Ready?" He questioned with one eyebrow hitched slightly higher than the other.
I sighed. "As I'll ever be."
Haymitch walked us to the waiting train on the far side of the town's ruins without a whiff of alcohol on his breath. None of us said a word while we walked, until we were ready to load our belongings.
"Listen, you kids be careful out there. Not everybody's gonna be your biggest fan," Haymitch warned us, although his eyes lingered on me meaningfully towards the end. Peeta was the one that spoke first.
"We'll be alright, Haymitch. I don't think they can throw much at us that we haven't already seen." He offered his hand to him then in a departing handshake. "Take care of yourself," Were Peeta's final words before Orrick whisked him away to discuss arrival plans.
Haymitch and I just stood for a beat, watching Peeta walk away. I was the one to break the silence. "Keep Sae good company. She doesn't have anybody but you now." I meant it soft but my voice still spoke strong, like I was telling my mother to be there for Prim. Haymitch nodded with a sarcastic, "Yes, Ma'am." I tried lightening my voice but it was him that spoke up next.
"I mean it, what I said before. You watch yourself. People aren't about to forget what went down at the Capitol and not all of 'em like it." I didn't respond immediately. I knew he was right.
"Thanks, Haymitch." I turned to face him but didn't know how to proceed. A handshake didn't seem appropriate like it did with Peeta. Haymitch walked toward me. "Yeah, yeah. Now go on before you miss the train." He reached down for my bag at my feet and slipped the strap on my shoulder before patting me on the back.
I smiled and did as he said, turning to join Peeta at the entrance. "Hey, one more thing!" Haymitch called over the loud humming of the train preparing its depart. "When they're done fixin' up the Capitol, you tell 'em District 12 could use some shinin' up too!"
Once Peeta and I were on board, a woman came to collect our bags to store them and show us to the dining cubby. Orrick sat in a wide chair at the end of a table when I entered behind Peeta. "Well, Katniss," He said in that gravel-like tone of his. "I'm glad you decided to join us."
"I'm sure it wasn't exactly how you thought it would unfold." I said in return, thinking back to my dramatic stung with the dessert dish. He chuckled and lifted himself from the chair.
"You two might as well make yourselves comfortable. I'm sure you remember how long this ride to the Capitol lasts." With that, he excused himself and left us to build our plates of biscuits and cheeses.
That evening, when the passing scenery darkened, I followed Peeta down one of the train corridors. He found a door to his right and slid it open. In an all too familiar way, he allowed me inside first. I was back in a time, not too long ago but forever away, when Peeta and I were cradling each other to sleep and facing our nightmares in a compartment on a train, much like this one. As if it were habit, I curled up against the pillow which was placed right next to Peeta's and closed my eyes to fall into my past. When my eyes opened next, I would be at the Capitol to try and fix what I helped destroy.
/
I hope everyone had a Happy Holiday Season! I wanted to get a new post in before the new year, so here it is. All 4,435 words of it. I really hope that I haven't lost you guys with this story yet and I do hope that at least some of you still enjoy reading it. Some of you guys are so loyal and I appreciate it. Alright, that's enough from me for now. Remember, any suggestions or ideas, just post it in the reviews or go ahead and send me a PM. Love you all and have a happy start to your 2013!