45I woke to a tingling sensation in the tips of my right hand's fingers, and a slow burn in the same shoulder. My body was lethargic and weighed down with exhaustion but I couldn't ignore my arm's position any longer. Slowly, and unwillingly, I slid it out from underneath the pillow that my face rested on. I flexed my hand at my side but kept my eyes shut until I realized that the sheets next to me were far too cold. And vacant.
With some effort, I rolled to my back and turned my head. I didn't find what I was looking for though. The spot in which Peeta had occupied was ruffled and empty, illuminated when the moon looked between the quickly-passing trees outside the train's window. I took a fistful of the cold sheets in my numb hand before sitting up.
There was a brief moment where I contemplated, looking from the door to the bed. Maybe Peeta had decided to wander the train cars, although I had never pegged him as an insomniac. The other part of my brain wondered if something had come up and if Orrick had peeked in and asked Peeta to step out for a moment.
Needless to say, I went snooping anyway. My bare feet padded across the cold floor to the door, and I swung it wide to look both ways down the corridor. To my right, there was nothing but a supply closet and storage area and so the decision to continue to my left was made quickly. It felt like it was only minutes ago that I had been walking down towards the room with Peeta, but I was sure that I had slept longer than my drooping eyes made me believe.
It didn't occur to me until minutes in that it might be a problem not knowing which room or even which compartment Orrick was staying in. I told myself that I was up anyway, so I might as well keep going.
Peeking through open rooms and listening for whispered voices didn't get me any further, however. I stopped when the end of the compartment met me. It wasn't like Peeta could go anywhere; we were on a speeding train in the middle of nothing. If something important had beckoned him away, I was sure that he would have at least let me know. Who knew? Maybe he was an insomniac after all, and a stroll around the train was what he needed.
Before I started back to the room though, one more place crossed my mind. The dining cubby. Peeta hadn't eaten much earlier. He could have walked down for a quick snack.
There was a light on in the dining cubby when I came to the door. It was dim though, and one that I was sure stayed on even when the room was empty. If I hadn't taken a second look into the right corner, I would have missed him standing behind the chair.
I let myself in and smiled. "You don't have to eat in the dark, Peeta." I was so busy searching for the switch that I didn't realize just how wrong everything was.
When my fingers found it and the light flickered on, he still hadn't moved. His back was to me and his head was lowered. The muscles in his broad shoulders were pulled so tight that their definition could be seen through his shirt. His arms were in front of him, leading to his white-knuckled hands that clutched the back of a silver chair.
I was afraid to say anything at that moment, so I kept my mouth shut. I waited for him to turn and acknowledge me but it didn't happen, so I took a hesitant step toward him with a whisper of his name lingering in my throat.
He heard my approach and his right hand shot out to the side of him with his palm facing me. The movement was so fast that it made me jump. "Don't," His voice ordered, seemingly too loud in the once silent setting. The arm that he held out to warn me not to move was quivering.
Immediately, I froze in my place. All that could be heard were my shallow breaths as I gauged his stone posture. Everything about him was strained, every muscle flexed. I didn't know what to do with myself then, but stand there and stare like a fool.
Peeta was dragging in ragged breaths that would catch at the same time that his hand would clench into a fist. I think he was afraid to move too.
When his arm began to return to the back of the chair, I hesitated with my foot sliding forward just a little further. His breath caught again.
"Don't, Katniss. Get away from me."
Peeta had never growled at me like he did then. His voice was dangerously low and every bit of it rang out like a threat. His hand immediately closed around the chair again and he let out a quivering breath.
I knew then that he was trying to fight it. I could almost see the venom attacking his mind like it was attacking his body, but he was trying to ward it off. He knew who I was. Peeta knew that it was me standing there and he knew that everything in him then wanted me dead. Real and not real, Peeta was battling himself. Or rather, he was battling the Peeta that the Capitol created.
I was sure that there was a reason that he didn't turn to see me. It was the same reason that I didn't speak and allow him to hear my voice. The walls would come crumbling down and crush all of his restraint. We would be back to square one then, with bruises on my neck. Or worse.
Things grew quiet suddenly, like the way it does in the forest before I release the arrow or like the way it would in the arena, just before the burst of the cannon would follow a scream. I couldn't hear him breathing; I could only see the slight rise and fall of his frame. The muscles in his shoulders released and slowly, Peeta raised his head until he was staring straight before him. Some might have assumed that the worst was over, that Peeta was himself again. I knew better.
Seconds ticked, allowing the 'fight or flight' to bubble within me. There was never a choice though. I would always choose flight when it came to him. Somewhere inside Peeta, a haunting voice was scraped from the depths to muster one word.
Darkly, he gave me another order. "Run."
And I ran.
My fingers grasped the door frame and I swung myself into the room before flinging the door shut behind me. I don't know how long I stood there with my forehead against the door, raking in ragged breaths and listening.
The hall outside the door was silent though. Peeta hadn't followed me; that much was clear. My guard slowly fell away and I turned, with my back against the door, and slid down into a sitting position. I folded my arms over the tops of my knees, drooped my head to rest on them, and willed my thoughts away. I didn't want to worry about what would come out of this. I didn't want to remember the last time that it had happened. I wanted to sleep it all away and after a few minutes, that's exactly what I did.
A creak. That's what brought me back. A creak in the hall from quiet footsteps. I listened for the stumble, the slight imperfection due to an artificial leg that would assure me of who it was. They were already too close though, and their next step carried them right outside the door. I raised my head to stare in front of me while my ears worked to hear their next move.
I expected a knock, or maybe for the doorknob to just twist open. Neither came though. My first reaction to that was thinking of Peeta standing outside the door, fighting against his own urge to open the door and attack. Maybe his flashback hadn't ended.
After hearing his hand rest softly on the center of the door though, I realized that my original reasoning couldn't be true. He was Peeta. The real Peeta, and he wasn't warding off a flashback like he had been earlier. He was hesitating.
Then he whispered from the other side of the door. "Katniss?"
My own voice, louder than a whisper but hoarse, answered in reply. "Peeta?"
He didn't waste any time after he heard me. His next question was immediate and full of concern. "Are you alright?" If it had been any time other than that, I might have rolled my eyes at the question.
"Peeta, I'm fine." I thought about standing up and opening the door, letting him in and telling him to sleep on it until the morning. As much as I wanted to crawl back into bed though, I stayed where I was on the floor. I heard him sigh then, and the door shook slightly against my back. Then I could hear the fabric of his shirt gliding down to the same spot that my shoulders were resting. I imagined he was sitting just as I was against the door. Somehow, then, I knew what he would say before the words even left his mouth.
"I'm so sorry, Katniss. . ." Nobody apologized like Peeta did. The words meant the same thing to everybody, but the way Peeta said them made them so different. He was always sincere and, although I couldn't see them then, I knew his eyes were speaking too.
I would have told him not to be sorry. It was an argument that wasn't worth the time though. We had been down that road plenty of times before, and no matter how many times I would counter it, he would insist that he needed to apologize to me. So instead, I suggested something different.
"Peeta, why don't you come inside?" I made to get up and onto my feet but he countered that too. "Not now, Katniss." I let my head fall against the door with a soft thud. He must have heard my silent question because after a minute, he said, "Just sit with me for a little while. I'm not sure I'm ready yet."
Again, his whispered words were sincere. I sat there, just as he had asked. The gears in my mind spun in the darkness and I'm sure, on the other side of the door, his did too. I kept thinking about his honesty and the way that he was able to say just about anything to me. Examples of that skipped through my thoughts and without really thinking about it, I decided to be sincere with him.
"Please don't push me away again." I said, barely above a whisper. It was a confession of sorts. A confession of one of the things that I feared. It was also a plea. And it went unanswered.
He didn't say anything and I wondered afterwards if he had heard me at all. I wondered if he had fallen asleep in between and if I was just talking to myself. My thoughts worried that his silence was an answer in itself. In my heart though, I wanted to believe that he had heard it and his silence was simply him considering it.
When I opened my eyes next, the room was no longer dark. The sun's rays danced through the window and warmed my skin. I straightened out of the slouch that I had fallen into against the door and winced when I moved my head. That hadn't been the best night's sleep, but it hadn't been the worst I'd ever had either.
I half expected to find Peeta propped against the other side of the door, still fast asleep. When I opened the door, however, the hall was empty.
I slid back into the room and picked out something to wear. I stuffed the clothes under one arm and carried them into the small restroom. I had just placed my supplies on the counter and turned the water on to splash it over my face when there was a knock at the door.
Quickly, I shut the water off and rounded the corner. Orrick's dark eyes, closer than I had been expecting, looked up when I opened the door. "Good morning," His voice, dark as every other feature of him, greeted me. Everything about Orrick was professional in a very official way. The way he stood in a rigid posture in the doorway, the way he spoke every word.
"'Morning." I responded. One side of his mouth pulled up in a small, friendly grin. I didn't like it. I had grown used to Peeta's full, bright smile and anything short of that had no positive effect on me. "We'll be arriving shortly. I thought I might remind you to meet us in the front carriage." I nodded idly in response. "Thanks, Orrick." My thoughts returned to the supplies that were still sitting on the counter. "I'll be out in a minute." I nearly asked him where Peeta was, but bit my lip.
He gave a curt nod and turned on his heel, walking back down the hall with the same rigid posture and straight shoulders. There was something in Orrick that took me back to a time and reminded me of Gale.
When I was washed up and at least presentable, I let the door shut behind me. I couldn't ignore the twist in my stomach at the thought of where we were. As I walked towards the front carriage, I could feel that the train's velocity had decreased dramatically. I was reminded of it again when I passed the nearest window and could actually make out the details outside of it instead of seeing nothing but a blur. I reached the front carriage and the thoughts that I had been trying to bury with distractions came rushing forward. The image of Peeta standing behind the chair, arms strained at the back, trickled behind my eyes as I entered the carriage.
His broad back was to me just as it had been last night. I walked in easily with my eyes trained on him. For a moment, I wondered if he would even say anything to me. Orrick stepped out from around Peeta and into my view. "Just in time."
I stopped at the bar to pull a chair out, and Peeta visibly stiffened. He didn't turn around completely, but his head had slightly cocked in my direction. Orrick sat his mug down on the end of the counter. "I'll make sure our bags are brought up front," He leaned to glance out the window. "By the looks of it, we've got no more than ten minutes." With that, he was off again.
The door clicked back into place and we stayed as we were. Worry found its way back into the pit of my stomach. I could hear Sae's voice telling me, "Don't let yourself go back to that." And I didn't want to go back to the days that Peeta avoided me at all costs. Nothing had happened; Peeta had fought the flashbacks. I realized then that I was so preoccupied worrying that he would shut me out to even notice what Peeta had accomplished. He was able to see the reality when his mind had taken him to that realm of lies.
Suddenly, he turned in my direction. His eyes focused on the floor briefly before traveling up to level with my own. He was an open book. Innocent looking and apologetic with the crease between his eyebrows.
"Don't say it," I warned softly with a shake of my head. I didn't wait for his reaction. "I know you're sorry, Peeta. You don't have to say it." I came to the conclusion long ago that Peeta was apologetic far too often. He didn't say anything and just looked at me, so I hopped off the chair. Originally, I had it in mind that I would walk up to him, but thought better of it and stopped short to grab a plate from the counter. I decided that Peeta would come around when he was ready.
I helped myself to some of the pastries that the center of the table offered, although they had nothing on the sweets that Peeta often made for us. He stood in that same place a while longer before he took a seat at the table himself, although it happened to be on the opposite end from me. Then Orrick was gathering us again, shoving bags into our hands and shooing us towards the exit.
The train was at a slow crawl as it grew closer and closer to its destination. I could see the buildings and monuments out of the windows. Or, what was left of them. It seemed as though parts of the Capitol had held an uprising of its own. Suddenly, I was well aware of where we were and what we were about to do.
"Orrick," I turned to say before he had a chance to disappear again. "How many people know we're coming?" A new realization of Haymitch's warning had struck me as the brakes brought us to a complete stop, other than the spinning in my head.
Orrick let his head fall slightly to one side and he let out a sigh. The look that he gave me in that moment was one that you might give a child after they ask you the same question over and over. "Katniss," He said very matter-of-factly. "Don't worry."
I couldn't decide what bothered me more; the fact that he didn't give me a straight answer, or the look on his face. That thought was quickly forgotten when I heard the train release a great whoosh of steam and the door was being slid open. I was taken back to a time long ago, when Peeta and I had been in this same situation. Except, the faces that we met were smiling then. They were faces of District 12 grinning up at their victors
Fingertips were at the back of my hand and I didn't need to look to know who it was. I accepted Peeta's large hand and took it into my own. And just like that, we walked off of the train as we did before while I came to the silent conclusion that history did, in fact, repeat itself.
I wish it wouldn't.
I know this one is terribly short, and it really didn't take us much further into the story. I felt like I had kept you guys waiting for far too long though, and so I took a portion out of the longer part that I've been writing and decided to make it a chapter.
While I have you guys here, I figure I might as well share a little news. I've decided to give all of my loyal readers a little taste of what's coming up in the next few chapters of Katniss and Peeta's story.
First of all, more romance because some of you have requested/demanded it. ;)
Some of our favorite characters will be coming back. (I won't give names, but I'd love to hear about who you're hoping to see return.)
And what did Peeta bring with him to the Capitol?
Hopefully, those things excite you guys just a little bit. Also, I would love to hear what kind of things you guys think will or should take place in the Capitol while Peeta and Katniss are there. Big thanks to all of you once again. Old readers, new readers, and especially reviewers!