63A/N: Thank you so much to everyone who read & reviewed last chapter!
This chapter starts the morning after Dumbledore's death and occurs back in Tonks' POV.
Finally the fluffy, shamelessly sappy ending I'd imagined when writing this piece! Well, as fluffy as my writing can get, anyway...
Part III is dedicated to ani, Hannah, and StrawberryFields, who I couldn't PM to thank for their glorious reviews on Part II. Thank you so much for the feedback!
Part III
Nymphadora Tonks yawned and rubbed her eyes frustratedly as she shuffled around her flat, having just received a patronus from Kingsley telling her to be at Grimmauld Place in an hour. She'd gone home, not having bothered to stop by her temporary room in Hogsmeade, cried a bit, fallen asleep fully clothed and still covered in dirt and dried blood on her couch, and then woken to the message.
Now, as she stepped out of the shower and resigned herself to the mousy brown hair she was still unable to morph away, she could feel every effect of the fight down to her bones. Her limbs had never protested more than they were as she dragged on some jeans and a baggy jumper, shivering despite the summer month.
It was probably at least 5:00 in the morning, and though she was tempted to be annoyed at being woken so early, she knew she had no right to be. Albus-freaking-Dumbledore had died last night, and they had to clean headquarters as quickly as possible now that they had no secret keeper and Snape, the rotten bastard, had betrayed them.
She sighed as she took in her appearance in the mirror, yet she felt less awful than she had in months. Remus hadn't given in, no, but he had at least opened up to her a bit more. And now that she understood him, if only marginally, she didn't feel as horrible as usual.
That didn't mean she wasn't still depressed. She ached when she thought of how close she'd been to convincing him to give in, of how he'd called her Dora and looked at her with such tenderness.
Of how he'd said he loved her.
No, things were definitely not better, but they were more bearable. She could live for a while, like this, knowing he at least cared, even if he wouldn't be with her. And, she thought optimistically, she could rest a bit easier about his safety. Not a lot, since it was still a war, but at least he couldn't go back to the pack. His identity had been compromised and he'd be safer in the wizarding world, she thought with a small smile.
But seeing him this morning would be hard, and she was sure he would be there to help out however he could, like he always was. It would be hard to see him; to see, in his eyes, the ghost of what he could be, if only he'd let himself, the ghost of what they could be.
She shook her head, checking the time. She had to be there soon, and she wouldn't let Remus' answer - or lack thereof - hang over her as she waited for the fight to be over. Either way, she knew, things would change soon. He'd either give in, she thought with a flutter in her stomach, or he'd tell her no. And as anguishing as that would be, at least she wouldn't have to live with the not knowing.
A part of her wondered what he would say, but she couldn't let herself think about it too much. She didn't want to depress herself by assuming he'd turn her down or give herself any more false hope by assuming he'd give in. She just had to wait, to be patient.
Tonks, for a Hufflepuff, was very impatient.
She sighed and checked her watch once more as she stepped out of her flat, redid the wards, and trudged around the corner to an alleyway where she could apparate.
When she arrived on Grimmauld Place and looked around herself, wand out just in case, she found the street eerily silent. It was gloomier than she'd expected out, as if the world was mourning Dumbledore, and she shivered again as she walked quickly and quietly to Number 12, watched it appear, and slipped inside, wondering if she'd be the first person there.
Upon hearing voices in the kitchen, she realised she wasn't.
"All right, Kingsley?" A hoarse voice asked.
Her stomach lurched.
Her palms sweated.
She felt a bit sick.
So much for not letting Remus' lack of an answer hang over you, she thought to herself sarcastically.
It'd all seemed good and fine back at her flat, but now, as she stood, ready to walk down the hall and face him, she didn't know if she could. Well, she knew she could, she just didn't know how she would. How on earth was she supposed to act around him?
She could ignore him, but that was childish and wouldn't get them anywhere.
She could act as if it hadn't happened, but how on earth would she pull that off if she had such an insane reaction to merely hearing his voice?
She could act hurt, but that would only make him feel guilty, and she didn't want him to make a decision because he pitied her.
She could act bubbly, but she wasn't sure she'd be able to keep that up for long, and it might lead him to thinking that what'd happened hadn't affected her, which couldn't be further from the truth.
She could avoid him, and that was very tempting; but if he took a long time to make his decision, avoiding him would be both impractical and detrimental to the Order. Besides, now that he was home-
"Are you planning on standing there all day or were you thinking of helping clean?" A gruff voice asked from behind her.
Tonks jumped about a foot upon hearing her mentor's voice in her ear and whirled around to find him stood just behind her, waiting for her to move out of the entrance hall.
"Merlin's beard, Mad-Eye, was that really necessary?" She asked reproachfully once she'd calmed down enough to hear something over the rapid thudding of her own heart.
"Constant vigilance!" He roared, stumping past her and towards the kitchen. "You'll get yourself killed."
"It's good to see you too, thanks." Tonks muttered.
It felt odd to be sarcastic with Mad-Eye, yet she knew that, if she had any hope of making it through the day, she'd have to start somewhere. And teasing her mentor was like falling back into an old habit.
"I saw you earlier this week." Mad-Eye growled as he made his way down the stairs and into the kitchen.
Tonks rolled her eyes at him, knowing he'd be watching her with his magical eye and the gesture wouldn't be lost. "I was more referring to the fact that last night-"
"-last night we were betrayed by one of our own and this place is no longer safe!" He barked over her, rough words contradicted by the fact that he held the door to the kitchen open and waited for her to pass before stumping after her into the room.
Tonks looked back at him, mostly to avoid seeing Remus or Kingsley, and said, "Yeah, well, we'd better get to it then, hadn't we? Anyone else coming?"
Before Mad-Eye could say anything, Kingsley was answering for him. "The Weasleys are watching after Bill, Minerva's at the school, and we haven't contacted many others yet. Looks like it'll just be us."
Tonks turned to him and nodded, still not meeting Remus' eyes. "Right." She muttered much more meekly, inner strength being replaced by hurt and a heavy feeling in her stomach upon being near him once more.
"Tonks and I cleaned the things we wanted out of Sirius' room after he died, so there's no need to go to his bedroom or the attic." Remus began, voice just as steady as any other day.
She still refused to meet his eyes, wincing internally upon hearing him call her Tonks. Not that he ever called her Dora in front of anyone, but still...
"Regulus' room was never used, and I moved my things from my temporary room here to my own home before going on my mission last year." Remus continued softly, and Tonks, through the corner of her eye, could've sworn he was looking at her. "The kids and Molly and Arthur all moved out permanently after Sirius' death, so unless you have things here, all the bedrooms should be clear."
It took Tonks a moment to realise that he was speaking directly to her, and when she finally did look up, Kingsley and Mad-Eye were staring back at her in expectation.
She didn't even look at Remus as she muttered, "No, I moved all my things out before being stationed in Hogsmeade."
"So just the library, drawing room, and kitchen, then." Mad-Eye growled. "Kingsley, you take the kitchen, Remus and Tonks, take the library and drawing room. I'm going to set up a few spells in case Snape decides to make a visit."
Tonks nodded numbly and, without bothering to look at Remus, turned and walked out of the kitchen, up the stairs, and onto the second floor. She wondered if she should say anything to him or just take one room and assume he'd take the other, but he spared her the decision by speaking.
"Which would you prefer, drawing room or library?" He asked quietly.
Always the gentleman, Tonks thought bitterly, but instead of saying anything she shrugged, looking at the floor. She hated herself for being so difficult, so immature, yet she was afraid that if she met his eyes the dam would break and she'd be crying, or cursing, or yelling or something. After last night's outburst, she wasn't sure she could trust her self-restraint.
"Tonks?" He asked gently.
It made her ache.
Tears filled her eyes as she shook her head, mutely heading towards the library and hoping he'd take the hint. He did, albeit tentatively, and she sighed in relief, wiping her eyes furiously as she began to collect papers, mugs, and any other objects that would give anyone information on the Order.
Her vision was blurred as she worked, her hands shaking, and she wondered how on earth his kindness could have such an effect on her. She supposed it had something to do with the fact that he was so gentle, so kind, and if he'd only let himself, he could be making her the happiest witch on earth.
As it was, she felt she couldn't let herself enjoy it for fear she'd get carried away and think he meant something by it. At this thought she felt such a pang that she sank into an armchair, burying her face in her hands as Remus had done the night before.
How could he be so composed? How could he act as if it wasn't tearing him apart to see her? Was he at peace with himself because he'd made his decision? She wasn't sure she wanted to know.
Tonks cursed herself, remembering they were in a hurry and that she couldn't dally. She stood up abruptly, losing hold of a mug as she did so, and winced when it shattered loudly on the table and cut her hand as she attempted to stop its fall.
Bloody brilliant, she thought glumly as she studied the angry red gash on her palm. And on my wand hand, too.
In the hall she heard Remus leave the drawing room, shrinking the last of the papers and putting them in a pocket as he did so, and turn towards the library. She tried, with her left hand, to heal the cut, but she was still shaking from before and couldn't summon the concentration to heal it.
"Tonks?" She heard Remus ask from the doorway, concern colouring his voice. "Are you all right?"
Knowing she couldn't just nod and pretend it was okay, for she still hadn't vanished the papers she'd found and her blood was now trickling down her hand, Tonks tried to speak but only succeeded in making a pathetic, muted sound. It appeared the tears had clogged her throat.
"What?" He asked, walking towards her.
Tonks cleared her throat and tried again. "I just - I cut my hand." She offered pathetically, holding it out a bit to show him and still not meeting his eyes.
"Oh," he said softly, taking another step to move right in front of her. "Can I see it?"
She nodded, still not looking at him, and jumped a bit when he took it oh so gently in his own, fingers barely touching her as he turned her hand over in his. His touch was feather-light, as if he was afraid to touch her, to violate her personal space or something, and suddenly everything felt surreal again.
He was touching her politely, reservedly, reluctantly, as if she was some stranger and he couldn't, by just saying the word, have it be okay to touch her whenever he pleased. He was doing this as if it was wildly intimate, as if he'd never held her hand or kissed her or told her he loved her before.
The thought brought more tears to her eyes, and she felt truly pathetic and frustrated and ashamed and she just wanted to go home, or to Molly, to have a good cry and feel better about it.
Instead, Remus had stood back after finishing healing her hand and was looking at her and seeing her tears, no doubt, because when she forgot not to and looked at him his eyes were tender. And she couldn't do if for much longer, couldn't keep calm, couldn't keep the tears at bay when seeing him look at her like that hurt so horribly.
So instead she looked down, took a deep breath, and asked, as steadily as possible, "Could-could you maybe finish up here? I can't - I have to go..."
And then she didn't even wait for his response, instead brushing past him and hurrying out of the library and down the stairs, angrily wiping away her tears as she went, just as she heard Kingsley call, "Remus? Tonks? Are you about ready?"
She made it to the door where Kingsley and Mad-Eye were waiting and nodded to them both, saying, "I've got to go, I'll be in touch, yeah?"
Mad-Eye looked a bit bewildered, and she noticed his magical eye glance back up towards the library skeptically, but Kingsley nodded at her, and she recalled blindly that he had, at some point, figured out what'd happened with her and Remus from someone, as he'd looked out for her in the Auror office throughout her stay in Hogsmeade.
So she took that as good enough and fled, finally succumbing to the tears as she walked down the concrete steps and onto the street, deciding that a walk home would be best in her current state.
A few moments later, however, she heard voices back in the entrance to the house and, after a hurried-sounding goodbye and two distinct cracks of disapparition, she regretted her decision not to apparate when she heard Remus call, "Dora?"
His voice was much closer than she expected, and when she turned she found him just a pace away. Ashamed at her lack of composure, she went to keep walking, but he grabbed her arm and, when she gave a strangled sob, wrapped his arms around her.
At first she resisted him, afraid to let him comfort her, afraid of what it would mean, but he didn't let her go, and instead held her shaking frame firmly to him. Eventually, she gave up fighting him, instead clutching onto his shirt as if for dear life, sobbing into his chest as he rested his cheek on her head and rubbed her back.
"Dora, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry." He murmured, over and over, holding her and waiting for her to regain composure.
When she finally did, and pulled back from him, embarrassed, he didn't fully let go of her, but kept her close as he said, "I wanted to ask you to talk to me when we were leaving, but if I'd known you were so upset - I should've just apparated to your flat this morning, like I'd planned, only Molly told me yesterday that you weren't sleeping well and I didn't want to wake you."
Tonks shook her head, rubbing her eyes, wondering what on earth was going on. If he wanted to talk to her, he'd have made his decision, and if he'd comforted her...she was afraid to let herself interpret it that way. Maybe he just didn't want to hurt her more than he was already planning to. That seemed almost cruel, though, to embrace her like that and calm her down only to let her down. But the alternative was too wonderful to consider, and her brain was sluggish from lack of sleep, and she really just wanted him to say it.
She did, however, feel a bit better, having cried it out, so when he asked, "Do you trust me?" she was able to look at him and answer.
"Do you want me to answer that?" She asked, weak voice belied by her sarcastic response.
He smiled slowly, tentatively, as if wanting to make sure she was actually okay, actually joking with him, before wryly telling her, "Probably not."
"Good answer." She said with a weak smile of her own, and then, miraculously, a hoarse chuckle as she wiped the last tears from her eyes and looked back at him, gaining strength and hope from the twinkle in his eyes, the one that'd been missing since he went away on his mission.
She was feeling so light, in the end, that when he offered her his arm, she was able to take it and a deep breath before he apparated them away, away from her hopelessness and sorrow and pessimism.
When they arrived in a meadow, one that looked oddly familiar, Remus smiled, and his smile turned into a beam as they noticed that the clouds were parted and, in contrast to London, it was bright, and open, and the air smelled fresh, not muggy. The meadow was full of yellow and brittle grass, which was green in some places but not all over, and Tonks slowly began to recognise it, gaining her bearings and remembering that, a few yards through the trees, there was a suburb and dirt road and pub.
"Do you remember this place?" Remus asked after a moment, watching her very closely.
"One of our missions together, yeah." She recalled, smiling reminiscently at the memory. Without thinking, she continued, "It was Valentine's Day, and Sirius wouldn't let it go that we'd been scheduled to come here together."
Realising a moment too late what she'd said, Tonks bit her lip and looked down, wondering if she should've brought it up, but Remus only stepped closer to her and, when she dared look up, smiled.
"Sirius always was annoyingly perceptive," he said in a falsely reproachful tone. "Do you know, I never once mentioned to him how I felt about you, but he just knew?"
Tonks laughed quietly, remembering how, even early on, Sirius would tease them both mercilessly. She'd fancied Remus, sure, but she'd never dreamed he'd return her feelings. She'd thought she was just his best friend's kid cousin to him, even though he'd done nothing to make her feel inferior.
After a few moments of comfortable silence, Remus looked at her from under his fringe, smiling absurdly shyly, and said, "It was here, you know."
Tonks' brow furrowed. "What was?"
"When I realised, for the first time, that I loved you." Remus said, glancing at her quickly before looking back at the field.
She could see, however, that his cheeks were pink, and though she wanted to swoon at his words, she was guarded - she still couldn't quite believe he was going to give in. So instead of pushing him in one way or another she said, in a falsely annoyed voice, "You'd've fooled me."
Remus seemed surprised by her joking response, though she knew he was aware that it was one of her defence mechanisms. "Oh?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
She nodded, smiling a bit, looking towards the trees and saying, "Sirius, too, the bastard. Whenever I asked him about you he'd never tell me anything. He dropped hints like mad, but I never knew if I should believe him or if he was just giving you a hard time. And - well, I always wanted to believe him, but you'd given me mixed signals, up until that day in the kitchen. When I burnt you toast."
She smiled at the thought, just as he said, "I couldn't believe that you really didn't care." He shook his head, probably at himself, she decided, before turning to her, gaze becoming more serious. "I still can't, at some level. I don't know if I'll ever understand it. I spent so long - so long, Dora - believing I'd never hear anyone say the things you said to me last night. And I don't-I don't know if I can believe you."
He paused, seeming to prepare himself for what he said next, and Tonks didn't dare breathe. He let out a slow exhale, before meeting her eyes, and, in a soft but steady voice, saying, "But I have thought about it - all night I've thought about it - and if you'll let me, I can try."
It was like in the kitchen again, the way her heart was suddenly beating loudly in her ears, the light shining brightly in her eyes, her breath dancing in her throat. And she still had to hear it, had to know for sure, so she managed to ask, "Remus...what're you saying?"
She searched his face with her eyes, needing an answer, and he didn't falter once as he told her, "I'm saying that I'll try. I'll try to be what you think I can be, what you think we can be. If you'll still have me, that is."
Tonks wasn't sure she could contain her excitement, her joy, her radiance as she smiled wider than she thought she ever had, struggling to form the words, "If I'll have you?" She gave a watery chuckle as she asked him, "Remus, d'you really think I'd stick around this long just to turn you down?"
His slow, relieved smile broadened into a slightly sheepish grin as he opened his arms and told her, "Come here."
He barely finished the words before Tonks was throwing her arms around his neck, laughing and crying at the same time, wondering whether there was a word that could describe the aching joy and relief and love and exultance she felt in her heart, in her lungs, in her entire body and she hugged Remus tighter than she'd ever hugged anything before. She felt him exhale and pull her tighter to him, and her face was buried in his chest and his in her neck and shoulder as he wrapped himself around her, not an ounce of hesitation in his movements as he held her.
"I love you. You know that, right?" He asked eventually, and she could hear his smile.
"I know." She said, her voice muffled by his shirt. She squeezed him one last time, smile growing even more as she felt a telltale tingling, signalling the return of her morphing abilities. She was sure her hair was a bright, bubblegum pink as she leaned back, looked into his face, and told him, with an impish grin, "You do realise that now that I have you I don't plan on ever letting you go, right?"
She thought she'd never seen him smile so brightly as he responded, "I'd assumed as much."
"You had?" Tonks asked, surprised.
"Yes." He affirmed, stepping back from her to look into her face. "That's why I stopped by my parents' old home - my home - this morning."
"Your parents?" Tonks asked, trying to remember anything he'd told her about them. He'd talked of his father before, and she knew his death had devastated Remus, but he'd never really spoken of his mother. Sirius'd told her she'd left before Remus'd gone to Hogwarts, and Remus himself hadn't ever mentioned her besides that she'd, at least at first, tried, like his father, to cure his lycanthropy.
"Yes, I had to get something. You see, I'd made up my mind this morning - or last night, depending on how you look at it - so I stopped, just in case you'd give me a chance."
Tonks raised an eyebrow, not following him at all. "Oh?"
Remus just nodded, though, saying, "Nymphadora, do you remember when I told you I don't do anything half way?"
Tonks' brow furrowed further. "Vaguely...Remus, what're you doing?"
"I've been a fool, Dora." He said, looking slightly chagrined but still smiling. "To shut you out, to push you away, to waste all this time when I've no idea how much we have. I don't want to waste any more time. I don't want to spend another day of my life apart from you."
Tonks' eyebrows rose further and she turned her head at him, confused by his sudden change in tone and talk of the future. What on earth was he on about?
Remus, seeming unperturbed by her confusion, continued, "I've spent all my life telling myself I don't deserve to be happy, only to have you come along and force your way into my heart and refuse to be dislodged, no matter how hard I tried to resist you. You're everything I don't deserve, everything I've denied myself-"
Tonks, through the last bit, began to roll her eyes, even interrupting him with an admonishing, "Remus..."
But he spoke over her, saying, "-and yet you've finally convinced me to override my rationality." Tonks grinned, satisfied, as he continued, "And-and I know this is crazy, and sudden, and-"
He paused, biting his lip a bit, drawing one shaking hand she hadn't seen disappear out of his pocket, seeming suddenly nervous.
She, meanwhile, finally clicked onto what was going on and felt as though she might faint.
"-and I don't have much to offer you, and I can't promise you anything besides my assurance that I'm prepared to put you ahead of me for the rest of my life."
Tonks raised a shaking hand to cover her mouth, looking at him with what she was sure were comically wide eyes that were steadily filling with tears. She'd hoped, what she'd assumed was a fool's hope, that he'd give in. But do what he was doing? She would've never dreamed.
"But I want to be there, Dora." He was saying, smiling at her obvious elation. "I want to be there when you smile, when you have a bad day, when you trip and break things. I want to be there so you can make me fall in love with you a little more every day. I want to be there so you can burn toast for me, and so I can heal your bruised knees, and-"
Tonks, suddenly unable to contain herself, blurted, "Remus, can you please get on with it?"
He shook his head at the interruption, opening his fist to reveal a small, silver ring, with one diamond in it, shimmering in the sunlight, continuing as if she hadn't interrupted him by saying, "-and though this ring is old and not flashy or grand, it was my father's and lasted through his mother's marriage and her mother's before that and so on and it's appropriate. Because that's what you've done: you've lasted. And I want you to keep lasting. I need you to keep lasting. And all this is really my-my broken and battered way of asking you to marry me. Nymphadora Tonks, would you once more offer me far too much and be my wife?"
There wasn't a single heartbeat before Tonks launched herself into Remus' arms, saying, in a thick, muffled, and teary voice, "I thought you'd never finish talking."
If it was possible to hear someone roll their eyes, Tonks was sure she'd have heard Remus do so, but instead he said, in an amused voice, "I take that as a yes, then?"
"Do you even have to ask?" She attempted to mutter, instead sounding breathless.
"Yes." He said in a more serious tone, and she pulled back to look into his eyes.
"Yes, of course I will!" Tonks' voice sounded absurdly joyous, even to her. "Remus, I love you. Why the hell would I turn you down?"
To her amusement, and utter shock, he said, with a cheeky grin, "You don't really want me to answer that, do you?"
"You're a git." She laughed, hitting him lightly on the arm but stopping when, with shaking hands, he pushed the ring onto her finger.
Instead of making some sappy comment on how it fit perfectly, however, her fiancé (could she really call him that?) teased, "You're the one who interrupted me when I tried to propose. You know, I think you might be the first woman in history to interrupt a proposal."
It took Tonks, who was busy marvelling at how it felt to have a ring on her finger, to be prepared to marry someone - not just someone, but Remus, of all people, the man she loved more than life itself - a moment to register his words and she muttered, distractedly, "I'm a lot of things, Remus, but I've never been patient."
He took her hand, kissed her ring finger, and said, lightly, "Oh, on the contrary. You've been...fantastically patient these past months."
Tonks, system still swimming with joy and disbelief and excitement, grinned at him. "It paid off, didn't it?"
"Yes." Remus said, looking a bit dazed by his own happiness. "Proof that you're stubborn."
Tonks, smile widening despite her aching cheeks as Remus gently tucked a strand of bubblegum pink hair behind one of her ears and rested his forehead against hers, muttered, "I prefer determined."
Later, there would be yelling, and he'd have to regain her trust, and convince her that he was back for good. Later, he'd learn just how much he'd hurt her, when she had nightmares and woke fearing he'd left in the night. Later, it would be him who'd have to fight for her, just as she'd done all along.
But in that moment, as the sun continued to rise to its full height in the early morning, Remus Lupin kissed Nymphadora Tonks, kissed her without reserve, or hesitation, or doubt, thinking that, for once in his life, it was about time he turn from the shadows to face the sun.
A/N: What did you think of the ending? Too sappy? Not sappy enough? Just enough sap?
About Remus' corniness...I always saw him being very traditional/cheesy in his proposal, as his relationship with Tonks is, as he says, something he never thought he'd get to experience, and he's already a fairly romantic guy. I thought he'd've rehearsed a whole speech and planned it to a T, since it obviously means so much to him, but of course Tonks is the exact opposite and would become impatient and ruin it for him. I'd love to hear what you thought of it!
Special thanks to LupinxTonks4ever and IsThisLove394 for their constant support/reassurances, and, most of all, to my wonderful beta, who put up with all my grumblings about this and embarrassing grammar mistakes and late night editing sessions.
And a final thank you to everyone who has read, reviewed, favorited, and alerted this story, it means a lot to me!