"I hate you! Just go and die somewhere!"
If you had thought to look into Nagihiko's wide eyes that gave away the hurt he was concealing behind his angry face, maybe you wouldn't have told him that. Maybe the last words you had spoken to him could have held some sort of silence reassurance. Maybe he wouldn't have quickly walked off, tears he would never dare shed threatening to fall from his eyes.
Maybe he wouldn't have gotten hit by that semi-truck.
If you had been there when he ignored Kukai's warning that the light was still green, maybe you would have been able to save him. Maybe you could have reached out and grabbed his arm. Maybe you could have pushed him aside.
Maybe he would still be conscious.
You can easily imagine the scene, you've heard it retold so many times by so many different people. Nagihiko, angry and distracted, hadn't waited for the signal to change. There weren't any cars nearby, so it didn't really matter anyway. Kukai yelled out something, jokingly, about how he shouldn't jaywalk, but didn't try to stop him.
And then there a huge truck surfacing from behind the small rise in the road, going at least twenty miles per hour too fast, the driver texting on his phone.
You can just imagine the shock in his eyes as he looked up and it was upon him. You can feel his terror as his death rapidly approached him and he was useless to stop it, staring up at the truck, desperately trying to use his arms to shield himself although every logical part of his brain told him it would do absolutely no good. You can hear Kukai's screams as the truck hit, hear the screeching of breaks and the curses the driver yelled. You can see him throw his phone away desperately, racing to Nagihiko's body along with Kukai as traffic halted and panicked people of all ages stormed the streets, yelling into cell phones for some kind of help. You can feel the hands desperately trying to hold back the blood and perform CPR on Nagihiko as Kukai's tears fell down onto his body.
But you weren't there. No, you were sitting at a coffee shop with Amu and the others, sipping a hot chocolate and laughing about how dumb and ugly and annoying Nagihiko was...
You were telling everyone how you wished he would just die.
You distinctly remember Amu's face when she got the call from a frantic Kukai. How her eyes clouded over and her coffee dropped to the floor. You remember her shaking her head, laughing a little, saying again and again that it couldn't be true. How large tears began to fill her eyes and fall down her face, how she began screaming into the phone. You remember that nobody could calm her down, how her body shook and she cried loudly, her screams filling the room as Yaya desperately tried to calm her down while Tadase spoke into the phone. And, as Tadase told everyone what had happened, tears filling his eyes as well, you remember Amu looking you straight in the eyes and, beneath the tears and pain, you saw so much anger, so much hatred, you knew, at once, that it was all your fault.
For the next few days, you weren't really alive. Everywhere you went, everything you did, you were reminded of him. You didn't cry, but you also didn't speak. You stared off into space, silently trying to will time to go back, for the past to change. But it can't, you can't go back and fix every mistake you make.
The days dragged on, long and agonizing. Your calls to the hospital, wanting to know when visitor's are allowed, occurred less and less often as every time the message was exactly the same: family visitation only. Eventually you began to lose hope; he remained unconscious so long you knew there was no possible way he would ever wake up.
Nobody understood why you were so upset. They thought it was simply because you felt guilty. They didn't understand that you didn't just feel responsible for a friend's death, but for someone you love's death. They didn't understand how you would give anything in the world for him to wake up. Anything at all.
Amu wouldn't speak to you at all. Every time you met eyes she glared at you, blaming you for everything you knew was your fault. Normally this would destroy you, but you didn't care any more. You knew her anger was justified. Honestly, you wished you could glare at yourself.
Nagihiko was finally allowed visitors after a few weeks, but it wasn't a good thing; His parents had been told that Nagihiko was gone, and that they were only delaying things by keeping him here. There was no hope for him whatsoever. So they were letting everyone come and say goodbye to him.
When you walked into his hospital room you almost cried, it was so heartbreaking. There were so many tubes and machines hooked up to Nagihiko. He was so broken, scars and bruises lining his skin, his beautiful hair hacked off for convenience. And it was all your fault.
And Amu didn't hesitate to let you know this.
She screamed at you for countless minutes, insisting that you had no right to be there, that you were the one to kill him, and that you should be the one who was on the verge of death. You stood there silently, not uttering a word as your best friend yelled at you, not standing up for yourself nor denying that it was your fault. Once she had finished yelling, you simply told her, "I know."
Nobody said a word to you as you walked past the livid and sobbing Amu and approached Nagihiko's bedside. Nobody was defending you after what Amu said, as deep inside they all sort of felt the same, although no one would dare admit it. Everyone wanted you gone. And, if he were awake, you supposed Nagihiko would too.
You looked down at his face, and finally the hotness from beneath your eyelids overwhelmed you. Although you tried to contain it, a single tear dropped down right in the middle of Nagihiko's lips. You desperately prayed that he would flinch at this, lick his lips, wipe them off with his hand, or even grimace, that he would accuse you of faking tears, as he always had. But he remained immobile, his lips simply resting in a blank line.
You wanted to say to him the words that had always been waiting to be spoken. You wanted to vocalize you feelings of guilt and sadness and affection. You just wanted him to know the truth, how much you appreciated what he did and wanted him to open his eyes. You just wanted to tell him that you loved him.
But you didn't... you couldn't.
You couldn't say a thing, because it was all your fault.
And then you walked out of the room. You didn't look at your friends, or his parents, or even back at him. You couldn't... you couldn't.
And you never forgot, never will; you still remember every single day.
Because every time the world around you is silent, you hear his voice screaming in your ears,
"I hate you! Just go and die somewhere!"
A/N: Dedicated to my family friend, TJ, who died a year ago today. RIP
This story was written while I was listening to Last night, good night by Hatsune Miku. Listen to that song if you'd like to cry; It's very beautiful.
My first time writing in second person... thoughts? I'd adore feedback on if you liked it or have any advice for how I could improve. Thanks for reading. :)
Oh, and I've been struggling with writer's block the past few weeks, but should be posting a new story next Sunday. Sorry for the delay! Dx