1,646This chapter is (finally) firehedgehog's kiriban gift chapter. They requested a chapter with kitty!Naruto, and I realized that would happen in the process of plot, it just took me awhile to get here.
The saying was 'you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar,' but every ninja should know better than to trust what everyone said. Sakura's parents were fond of camping during Konoha's pleasant spring season, and her father drank lemon and honey to deal with the pollen.
Know your target.
One of the extra-large capacity storage scrolls that Naruto found when he went through the clan compound to find useful things could contain several barrels of vinegar. The aging process had been quick and dirty, but that didn't matter when the liquid turned into vinegar was Eight Purification Sake.
Sakura knew that the Aburame could override the instincts of their insects, but would Shino be able to impose that control in time when his insects reported that the pools of heavenly drink only contained a low dose of a common insecticide that the Aburame had bred their insects to have immunity to? Especially when the liquid contained enough chakra to offset the effects of the poison?
Immunity to poison, yes. Immunity to lightning jutsu conducted through wires into liquid, not so much.
With the majority of his techniques shut down, Sakura and Shino both knew that he wouldn't be able to pass the Chuunin Exams at this point, not unless he managed to do something impressive enough to make up for his earlier blunder in the eyes of the visiting nobles. She had just killed thousands of his insects: while an Inuzuka would have had to make at least a token effort to avenge their partner or damage the clan's relationship with their dogs, the Aburame were known to be more cold-blooded.
At this point, attempting to defeat her would either give her more opportunities to embarrass him and his clan, or Shino defeating her despite such a massive early disadvantage might just make her look bad enough to outweigh her earlier move, which would keep two Konoha genin from passing the exams.
Shino moved his head so she could see that he was glancing at the position of the sun through his dark glasses before forfeiting.
She would have to make it up to him after the battle to avoid setting the Aburame Clan against the Uchiha.
Just enough time left there might be time for her match against Temari to conclude before the civilian spectators would no longer be able to see. That meant she wouldn't have to fight Temari and Hinata back-to-back tomorrow.
On the other hand, it was possible she hadn't prepared to fight Temari today. Her teammates' antics should have pushed the exams late enough that she would know who her opponent was going to be and would have time to prepare for them overnight. For someone like Temari, knowing that her opponent was going to be Sakura was only slightly useful, but Sakura had limited chakra and had just as good as declared to the ninja world that she was going to specialize in being a 'tricky ninja.' Someone who reached the Hokage's age and had his technique library stored away was able to handle any eventuality, but a genin from a civilian background was still assembling their bag of tricks.
But the Aburame would know that Sakura had access to a clan library, and the Uchiha's at that.
If she beat Temari, that would establish her as more than a one-trick pony and make Shino's loss less shameful. If she didn't beat Temari, the Kazekage's daughter (and Kankuro's sister) would be far more brutal to an Uchiha retainer than another Konoha ninja was allowed to be to a comrade. Especially when Shino was Hinata's teammate and Hinata was Sakura's friend insofar as Sakura had friends.
If Temari beat Sakura, then it would make her look like she was just as much a one-trick pony as she'd made Shino look just now. A ninja who could spring a booby trap, but not adapt to situations on the battlefield. The spectators would find that credible: of course the nobles had been handed bios on potential chuunin, since half the point of the exams was to advertise the competitors so the villages could sell their services for a higher price.
Sakura was theoretically an Uchiha retainer, and Sasuke had a clan of children to defend. It made perfect sense for her focus to be on defense instead of offense. It wouldn't even make her less marketable: nobles had assassins to worry about. Ninja who could shut down attackers before pitched battles could damage castles and artworks were highly cost-effective, especially if they were only genin. Some of them out there in the audience would be rooting for her to fail, and not just the nobles from outside Fire Country who didn't want too many Konoha genin to pass and make Konoha appear strong.
What Shino didn't know was that the Kazekage had just sold Temari to the Uchiha Clan, meaning Temari had instructions to lose but make it look good so hopefully both of them would pass if she went up against any of Sasuke's other minions. Meaning Sakura could count on winning a battle that would end just when Sakura was beginning to run out of chakra enough it would affect her ability to put on a good show tomorrow.
Up in the Kage box, Orochimaru asked himself if he really cared about watching another set piece like when the kyuubi vessel fought the Hyuuga heiress, even if there was more real chance of something going wrong and someone losing an eye in this battle when Temari and Sakura hadn't even sparred before. A pity neither of them had valuable eyes.
The biju chakra meant that it had been a long and trying day for Konoha's ninja, and they would want to think that anything they detected was a false alarm at this point. Sakura would be trying to impress the crowd with flashy low-power jutsu, which would distract the nobles but also the ninja savvy enough to see and appreciate what she was doing. His old teacher was also as tipsy as he ever allowed himself to get, courtesy of Orochimaru's future accountant's blatant bribery.
He sent the covert signal for the invasion to begin.
"I won't let you attack the old man!" Naruto shouted, pointing a finger at Orochimaru.
The Snake Sannin's pointy finger was far more effective, hitting the genin in the center of the seal Orochimaru had placed earlier. Very few people outside Fire Country knew the pressure points that put tigers to sleep.
An adorable little tiger kitten hit the roof yawning.
Teacher and student were momentarily united in their desire to go "Awww…" and pet his little head.
A gnarled old hand bumped into a younger one.
This meant war.
If only Naruto was outside the barrier, but with Naruto inside? There is a chance he might survive, so he couldn't let Orochimaru take away his precious retirement plan. It was so on. "You know, I'm so sick of this job that I wouldn't really be motivated to fight my own student, except…" The old man shook his head mournfully.
"Why, Orochimaru, why would you use Konoha shinobi for your experiments?" Sarutobi implored him. "Why would my brilliant student do something as stupid as condemning his comrades to death when there are hundreds of perfectly good enemy shinobi out there?! Now I can't make you Hokage and retire! Not when you didn't see that it was all a transparent plot by Danzo to disqualify you so that you would focus on your research so he could steal it from you! I can't retire and leave Konoha in the hands of one of Danzo's puppets, no matter how tempted I am!"
Orochimaru's jaw dropped. Further than a human jaw could normally drop. A stolen palm hit his forehead.
Nobody could know that he, the Otokage, had been played that badly. It was a good thing his future accountant was asleep, but just in case he'd do a little extra memory wiping during the brainwashing process. A pity about his four minions that were forming the barrier.
He'd have to finish Sarutobi off quickly, and then? Kill Danzo.
His eyes narrowed when he realized that he'd have to head over soon to avoid the rush. He could think of three people off the top of his head who would want to try to assassinate Danzo while they could blame it on the invaders. It was a good thing the head of the Uchiha Clan and his right hand were unconscious and couldn't give the order.
Time to break out his Edo Tensei technique.
"Go Grandpa!" Konohamaru yelled as loud as he could.
"Are we allowed to cheer for the Senju puppet?"
"The snake man tried to grab Naruto. He'll take Naruto away!"
It was a conflict between clan loyalty and personal interest. It was over very quickly. "Go Senju Puppet! Nobody steals Uchiha minions!"
"You can't just stay here to watch the Hokage fight Orochimaru!" Ebisu attempted to scold them. "There are enemy ninja in the village!"
The kids sitting in the stands just stared at him, waiting for him to get to the point. He didn't really think this was news, did he?
"Oooooh," Shigure finally realized. "You mean other people's enemies." Of course there were always enemies of the Uchiha Clan in the village, Danzo and the other stupid Senju puppets.
Another ninja appeared out of a swirl of leaves. "Hey! Which of you kids wants to help me slaughter Orochimaru's minions?" Anko asked, leaning forward to get a closer look at the potential pieces of bait. "I'll let you have first pick of their body parts," she added seductively.
Shigure looked up at Anko, and then further up at two big, gorgeous eyes full of bloodlust.
He heard one of the cousins pipe up behind him. "Ooooh! Me, me, pick-" The Uchiha War Fan snapped out and hit Shigure's cousin in the solar plexus.
"I'm the oldest, so I get to go with the pretty lady," Shigure said firmly.
"This is perfect timing," said Tsunade, putting down her jug. "I needed a new liver." Her healing technique accelerated cell division, which accelerated the damage to DNA that produced 'aging' and also, possibly, cancer. She periodically swapped out organs that were especially at risk, especially ones exposed to carcinogens, since the last thing she wanted was for an organ to fail halfway through an accelerated healing. It wasn't like anyone cared that she was killing people for spare parts as long as she stuck to enemy ninja.
"Isn't there a young lady with an ice bloodline?" Shizune asked the messenger, thinking of the list of patients, especially shinobi, who could use new organs. Of course Shizune and Tsunade were aware that Haku was one of the rare male ice users biologically, but it just wasn't done in Konoha to argue about people's genders. It was a man's prerogative to be a man, a woman's prerogative to be a woman, a peach tree's prerogative to be Perfect and a ninja's prerogative to stab anybody who disagreed with them. No ninja ever got anywhere by letting the laws of physics dictate what they could and couldn't do, and biology was really just the manifestation of physics that died when you stabbed it.
Also, ninja were mercenaries and it took a high-level medic nin to do sex change operations, so the ninja villages had a monopoly on the procedure. Trying to ban it was trying to cut into the income of the people who determined whether you lived or you died, so the only one of Konoha's leadership who was against it was Danzo.
Not on moral grounds: he was too much of a ninja, but because the new organs generally weren't fertile.
"You tried to use my own jutsu on me?" Tobirama was bent over laughing. "You thought you could use my resurrection jutsu to control me?" Thanks for bringing me back to life, sucker!
Hashirama stood there with his arms folded and a disapproving expression befitting someone who could not believe that they had been dragged out of a threesome for this.
"You kill my minions," Sarutobi said, folding his hands in front of him. "You try to steal my retirement plan. And now you embarrass me in front of my teacher." Who could be counted on to never shut up about it.
It was at this point that Orochimaru decided "Fuck it, if I at least kill Danzo then no one can say that this invasion was a total waste."
"You see," Danzo explained, showing Sai the newest assassin now trapped in genjutsu, "very few have the will to suspect and break an illusion that shows them what they want to see, even when they should know that their fantasy would never happen in real life." Brutally murdering Danzo, for example, was the happy place of a truly amazing number of people. He saw it as proof of how effective he'd been at serving the greater good of Konoha.
"So I should fill my genjutsu with dicks." Sai nodded.
Danzo peered at him. If he was a weak civilian, he would admit that he should probably be worried about this boy, but that would mean there was something wrong with his training program and it probably wasn't worth all the murder of potential Konoha shinobi.
Nah.
And now Sarutobi has three potential replacements... I realize that is very little kitty!Naruto, but he will remain trapped in this form for awhile, including and especially the next chapter, so I hope that makes up for it.
There's this one video-game-derived manga scanlation where a dead character appears before someone and it's supposed to be a touching moment, but the tilt of his lips made me interpret his expression as 'I got dragged out of a threesome in the afterlife because of this idiot?!'
"Truly if there is a god of destiny he is fond of plot twists." I love the Lunar games, especially Eternal Blue.