The journey from the halls of Kennedy to the tables of Croutons was uneventful. The six menstruating teenage girls had piled themselves into Mary Cherry's cherry studded Hummer in search of pizza and ambrosia salad. Mary Cherry spent the entire time trying to convince Lil' Lily to hold her web free, sweaty hands while Nicole tried to see if her power of telekinesis still worked, Carmen stared out a cherry tinted window, and Sam and Brooke stared into each other's love stricken gaze.

They didn't make any stops except when Lily insisted they get more Lady Time because she could still feel Sam and Brooke's sexual tension and Mary Cherry was either giving her come-hither eyes or I-wanna-break-out-my-chainsaw eyes. Lily couldn't decide and didn't think there was much of a difference anyway.

After they'd all taken their appropriate dosage of Lady Time to quell their lady gangster bitch, Madagascar ant smackdown tendencies, they moseyed on over to Croutons in true high school royalty fashion. Upon pulling into the parking lot and seeing no available space within a twenty foot radius to the doorway, Mary Cherry made her own parking spot on the sidewalk and the six hormonal teens piled out.

Like the true Southern gentleman she was, Mary Cherry rushed to the awaiting crusader's side. "Mah lady?" Mary Cherry presented her arm with a Cherry flourish and a wide, hopeful smile. Lily couldn't help dutifully obliging the crazy, inbred Texan's request and slipped her arm into the loop Mary Cherry had created, allowing herself to be led into the unpacked food palace that was Croutons.

"Sayzer Cruetons!" Mary Cherry yelled, instantly getting the attention of the short, brown, and round man as he tore his eyes away from his washout of a star of his seafood buffet. The sight of her long, flowing golden tresses had him instantly hypnotized and groveling. "Ah request of you the fahnest seats of this here estabuhlishment for mah friends and Ah."

"For you, girl with hair the color of sunlight, anything," Caesar Croutons himself gushed as he brought a delicate golden lock against his face.

It wasn't until they'd endured a lengthy seven seconds of Caesar petting Mary Cherry's hair that Nicole got fed up and shoved Carmen's unsavory head of hair into the fray, successfully causing him to disengage and seat them at their primetime table.

After the popular girls laid down their chola jackets as a sign of peace, the pairs dispersed to get their desired foods. Lily, still on the arm of Mary Cherry, quickly steered them towards the vegetarian friendly salad buffet.

"Mah mah, someone is certinly in a hurry tuh get me all tuh themselves," Mary Cherry beamed with unbridled joy. "Lil' Lily, as much as Ah'd like tuh take ya out back and play a rousin' game of Cowboys and Indians with ya, mah gullet is achin' for sustenance. Now get tuh work scoopin' me a helpin' of that mouth waterin' ambrosia, tiny dancer."

Mary Cherry held out her plate expectantly, and to Lily's own surprise, she did as requested. As insane as she was, Lily kind of liked it. The two continued down the line, working in synch like the wonder twins, with Mary Cherry holding their plates and Lily placing the desired items onto them. To the passing stranger, they looked to be deep in teenage love.

Having shoveled as much as they could onto their plates, they began to head back to their table when Lily spied the prisoner of her heart; Lil' Eddie. She could see his pitifully limp antennas twitching and her own heart throbbed in time. Don't worry, Lil' Eddie. I'm only two hundred meager bucks away from springing you out of that crustaceous hellhole.

Mary Cherry saw the forlorn look on Lily's face as they strolled past the lobster tank. She narrowed her eyes and sent the lame lobster her most piercing, hate filled glare. How dare you make Lil' Lily's heart beat agaynst the drums o' miseray, ya sea-swimmin' bastard. Ah swear bah all that is Gwyneth that Ah will make you pay if it's the last thing Ah dew!

Across Croutons, another coupling between members of the popular and the unloved cliques was blooming. This one had been birthed in the wake of hours filled with relentless eye contact, social stigmas, and attraction buried into the deepest depths of their souls. Instead of acting like the rational, fully developed individuals Brooke and Sam believed themselves to be, they resorted to the safe, subtle, primitive tactics of cavemen. They didn't go around clobbering each other over the head with clubs. That would be tasteless. No, they liked to use words as an alternative because admitting how one felt about the other was just too easy. Teasing, mocking, poking, prodding, giving, taking, pushing, pulling, and occasionally tackling were their outlets for their feelings. Like a quarter stick of dynamite thrown in a fire, shit was gonna explode.

Tonight was that kind of night and they'd already survived the explosion. All Brooke really wanted to do was hold Sam's hand, eat some pizza, forget about her best friend's betrayal, and watch Mary Cherry try to woo Lily. But she knew that Sam was too bullheaded and probably slightly afraid to do anything. She could see why, she was Brooke McQueen, reigning Queen of Kennedy. Thus, Brooke knew it was up to her.

The two of them approached the random assortment of buffet items and Brooke stayed as close to Sam as she could without overcrowding her, making sure to brush her fingers over the back of the brunette's. The breath in Sam's lungs went on lockdown. Her deluded, pessimistic, self-deprecating nature wouldn't let her hopes rise. Hope wasn't something Sam McPherson could handle rationally. Not that the blonde cheerleader's presence ever allowed her to be rational anyway.

Seeing that there was only one slice of pizza left, Sam picked it up and placed it on Brooke's plate. As much as she liked arguing with Brooke, she also liked being nice to her. Brooke kept her gaze forward as she slid her fingers between Sam's and squeezed. To her joy, the brunette returned it. A sly grin gradually rose on the blonde's face as Sam shifted her eyes to Brooke's hazel ones and they got stuck in another round of silent lusting. To the same stranger that had passed Mary Cherry and Lily, this pairing looked like they were caught in the throes of licentious domestic bliss.

Buried in the dessert portion of Croutons was the final set of menstruating ladies. Nicole, who normally wouldn't dare venture within ten feet of this section, had decided to indulge due to both her ovulation cycle and newfound best friendlessness. She paid no mind to the amount of calories she was piling up on, it was all gonna be purged later. Carmen, however, tried to stick to the less fattening of treats. She had a man to keep entertained now. Why Nicole was tolerating her presence far outreached Carmen's level of comprehension and the lack of insults even more so. She decided not to disrupt the lack of bloodshed and instead basked in the other girl's power.

Nicole's current ignorance of Carmen's Wal-Mart wardrobe was mostly the result of her lamenting over the loss of her precious Brookie. As much as she might try to stab Brooke in the back, usurp her throne, hound her about the natural order, and pretty much betray her in any way possible, the head cheerleader was the only friend she had. Who was gonna counteract her vicious folly? And what about her status? Now that Brooke had casted her out, would she be doomed to a life of social leprosy? Nicole couldn't bear to think of it. Screw it. She'll get over it in a few days.

"Hey Carm, you mind passing me a cannoli?" Carmen's eyes bulged and her eyebrows scrunched together at the unscathing words. Nicole had actually said something without being offensive. Her jowls were gaping.

"Uh, yeah. Yeah! Sure," Carmen fumbled for the cannoli with nervous excitement.

"Thanks, Carm." Nicole continued her quest for comfort with food while Carmen's mind struggled to absorb the previous moments. "Nicole, are you… feeling okay?"

"Yeah, peachy keen, hun."

Carmen didn't bother asking twice. Everyone knew Nicole Julian didn't have a full range of human emotions. And even if she did she'd never be caught showing them in public. The same stranger that had passed the other sets wondered why he was noticing all these underage girls so much. California wasn't the friendliest jailbait state. He shuddered at the thought before sprinting for the exit.

All six girls returned to the table at the same time. They sat very much according to the rungs they'd climbed on the social ladder and across from their popular or unpopular counterpart. Unlike earlier that same day, there was no verbal harassment going on as they ate. It was the closest thing to calm they'd come to all year.

Then, the Lady Time started to wear off. Nicole, being the most immune to drugs, felt the irrational bout of anger rise from her gut first. Suddenly, she had the urge to smack the shit out of Carmen for forcing her to confess she'd slept with Josh and further condemning her to Brookeless social pariah. Unable to resist temptation, Nicole backhanded the brown haired girl across from her. Carmen had a surprisingly strong pimp hand herself as Nicole found out just a few seconds later. The murderous rage that filled the short haired blonde's eyes had Carmen hurtling through Croutons with Nicole in hot pursuit. More chaos broke out around the fine dining establishment.

Not wanting to be outdone, Sam and Brooke decided to have another go at autoerotic asphyxiation. If their hands wondered down a little too far and carelessly glided over hot flesh or their faces got a little too close and their lips somehow managed to become attached, no one would question it.

Mary Cherry couldn't keep her hands to herself any longer. It was either Joe or Lil' Lily and right now, Lil' Lily was the one making her hot and steamy. "Lil' Lily, Ah think Ah'm ready fer that game of Cowboys and Indians now. Here's a hint, Ah'm the Cowgirl," she said as she pulled a shiny cap pistol, lasso, and ten gallon hat from her purse. "You betta run, Sackuhgaweeuh." Lily took her advice and ran wildly as Mary Cherry jogged after her, lasso spinning.

What can I say about this literary masterpiece except I feel like I captured their characters spectacularly? I was aiming for brutally obvious and crackish. Please, no one take this seriously.