Chapter Eighteen

"So Espo, why did you and Ryan think it was a good idea to bring Jenny to a burger place to meet us?" Kate asked while she, Esposito, Castle, and Lanie sat in Remy's waiting for the second couple to arrive, "Isn't she a vegetarian?"

"Yeah, Javi," Lanie added, sharing a look with Kate.

"She's a pescatarian, so she still eats fish," Esposito explained, "She's not completely limited to salads."

"Man, I've got to give her credit for that," Castle spoke up, "I could never give up meat."

Esposito nodded in agreement.

Kate smirked, "What is it with guys and food?"

"Girl, best way to a man's heart is through his stomach," Lanie said.

Castle grinned, "So Kate, those times you cooked for both of us…"

"Oh, get over yourself," she rolled her eyes, but couldn't help the blush that rose to her cheeks.

Lanie watched the two of them in interest.

"There's my man," Esposito commented cheerfully as saw Ryan and Jenny arrive.

Everyone introduced themselves, and then the group proceeded to order food.

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"They're adorable together, Lanie," Kate said. After their meal at Remy's, the two girls had spent some time shopping and were currently sitting in Lanie's bedroom. They'd invited Jenny, but she hadn't been able to join them, "And so alike. She's kinda like the female version of Ryan."

Lanie laughed, "Girl, are you getting soft on me?"

Kate frowned, "What? No."

"Really, because a month or so ago you were telling me you didn't believe in romance."

Kate made a face at her.

"Now don't get me wrong, honey," Lanie continued, "I think it's a great change. But what inspired it?"

"I don't know –"

"It's Castle, isn't it?"

"What? No! I mean, there's nothing…alright, maybe."

Lanie nodded knowingly.

"Sweetheart, spill."

"Nothing happened."

"But do you want something to happen?"

Kate bit her lip.

"Yeah," she admitted.

"I think you two'll make a good couple," Lanie said happily.

"It might not even happen, though."

"Girl, you really don't see it, do you?"

"There's nothing to see," Kate replied, knowing what Lanie was hinting at, "He has a lot other than me to think about."

"You'll never know for sure if you don't bring it up."

Kate shrugged, "Maybe."

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"My better half is back," Castle said brightly as he heard Kate enter the house that evening.

She laughed, putting her shopping bags down, "Hey Castle."

They both moved to the couch, sitting so that they faced each other.

He spotted her bags, "Get anything good?"

She nodded, "How was your day?"

"Good. Shot hoops with Espo."

"Yeah?" Kate turned serious, "How're you doing?"

He shrugged, "I'm doing, you know. Still here. Still don't like the fact that my dad was a useless ass. I don't like having to live with that."

"I get that, but you've got to remember you're not him."

He frowned, "How much of a person is determined by their genetics, though?"

She didn't answer and looked as though she were thinking.

"I mean, have you worried about having problems with alcohol?" he asked almost hesitantly, referencing her father's own difficulties.

"I…no, I was more so angry with my dad than anything else. But these things don't have to define us, Castle."

"I keep telling myself that…"

"But you don't believe it?"

"I don't know," he said, looking despondent.

"I think you always knew, somehow, that you were more than whoever your father was," Kate countered, "I'm willing to bet that you were never not willing to be your own person."

Kate continued before he could interrupt her, smiling now, "As crazy as that person may be."

He scoffed, looking better than he had before, "I'm just as sane as you are."

"You know, it must say something about me that I live with you. Something about my sanity," she quipped.

He smiled at her, "You're one of the more sane people I know, actually."

She rolled her eyes playfully, "Compared to whom?"

He grinned at her, "Oh, I don't know…most everybody, maybe."

She smiled wryly, "Well, thank you, Castle."

She wasn't only one of the sanest people he knew, he thought. She was smart, beautiful, and thoroughly dedicated to everything she did. He could write books about her.

"Castle?" she asked, bringing him from his reverie, "You alright?"

"Yeah, I'm…I'm good," he replied.

"I hope you're not lost in reveries of how great I am," she scoffed self-deprecatingly with a light smirk.

"You really have no idea, do you?" he asked, looking at her intently.

"Even now, after spending all this time with you, I'm still amazed by the depths of your strength, your heart," he continued sincerely, and then added an afterthought with a smirk, "And your hotness."

She blushed, "Castle…"

"Let me tell you something. It ties back into my father. I obviously knew he was gone, and I knew there were things mother was holding back. I knew that for a while," he began.

Kate nodded.

"But I never really pursued it until recently. I mean, college and independence inspired me a little. I felt like being out in the real world was good cause to know everything about my own background."

"I've wondered about that," Kate replied, "I mean, you're you. You always need to know things."

"I know. But I used to worry about who he was, why my mother hadn't told me. I didn't want him to be the way he turned out to be," he smiled ruefully, "I had dreams of him being in the CIA. Anyway. And Kyra…she worries about things. That stopped me too, I think. She never liked the idea of looking into him."

"I never looked into anything, tried to be content with knowing nothing, until one day I was sitting around the house alone after Kyra had declared her need for space and I figured why the hell not," he continued, "So I started looking into things, and it was like an addiction. I needed to know, was making up for all those years of not knowing anything. And then I actually came across a real, solid lead, and I was almost scared to pursue it. Scared of what the truth would be. All my old insecurities started coming back."

Kate nodded, listening closely.

"And then I looked to you," he said, and she looked surprised, "And how strong you are in dealing with your mom's murder, and it really inspired me to find the truth about my own family."

"Castle," she said again, surprised at what he had just told her.

"I wouldn't be where I am right now without you," he told her sincerely, strongly.

They looked at each other, seconds turning into a minute. Then, slowly, he leaned in an attempt to enclose any space remaining between them, his face almost coming into contact with hers.

She shot back rigidly, getting off the couch.

"Kate, I'm sorry," he apologized quickly.

"I can't," she said, turning away from him, "I'm gonna, uh…"

She motioned her head toward upstairs.

"Ok," he replied, worried at what he had just done.

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The entire situation would be so much easier if she didn't have feelings for him, she reflected in the privacy of her room. But as it was, he was one of her best friend and she definitely did have feelings for him.

The timing was bad. She had had this conversation with herself multiple times before: he was dealing with things. She was dealing with things.

Sometimes, though, in spite of it all, she just wanted him.

She frowned when she realized she was blinking back tears. She didn't like being overly emotional.

There was a knock on her door.

"Hey, Kate, can I come in for a sec?"

She opened it for him.

"I know you probably need space, and I'll leave soon, but I just wanted to apologize again," he told her.

She sighed, "Castle."

He turned to the door, misinterpreting her and thinking she wanted him to leave.

"No," she said, "Stay."

He looked surprised.

"It's not that I didn't want you to kiss me," she explained, "But, I…"

She bit her lip.

"I like you a lot, and I don't want it to be a one-time thing."

He smiled at her, "Kate. You have no idea how often I think about being in a relationship with you."

It was her turn to be surprised, and her facial expression soon matched his.

She took his hand, "Rick. I want this. I want us. But the timing…my mom, Kyra, your dad. I feel like we both need to deal with some things before we dive in together."

"I guess I'll learn to be a patient person then," he said.

"Thank you," she replied, "For waiting."

"Always."

A/N:

Feel free to ignore me as a take a moment to ramble about things relevant and irrelevant to this chapter…

I'm sorry again for the long delay. In the way of explanations, classes picked up a bit and I got a job.

Anyhow, for anyone who watches The Office and remembers the tone and general demeanor of Pam when she tells Jim she can't in Casino Night: that is exactly how I imagined Kate while writing that scene.

I borrowed a quote from To Live and Die in LA, which I'm sure you guys noticed.

ALSO PROBABLE CAUSE. Dear god. Can we just give Stana an Emmy right now?

And lastly, I'm living in DC till December and the other day on my way home from work I took a moment to bask in the pre-Sandy rain with In My Veins playing. It was glorious, haha.