This parody is inspired by the "Yet Another Harry Potter Movie Parody" series by iheartmwpp, as well as my combination of love and distaste for the computer game series based on HP. If you like this story, I highly recommend you check out her work!
Speaking of other people being awesome, if you like making fun of early Harry Potter games, you will love the Let's Play parody series of the first game by Youtube user TheSilverKetchup. Check it out – I subscribe and don't regret it in the slightest.
I do not own Harry Potter; JKR does. I do not own the game series; EA does. Many other things will be referenced in this fic. I don't own them either. Internetz will be awarded to those who can identify the references.
Misspellings of "Hagrid," "Dumbledore," etc. are intentional. Read My Immortal. Better yet, read about it. Actual exposure drains sanity.)
Menu Music: *Is epic. Why they replaced it starting with the very next game, I will never know*
Intro Cutscene: *Is a story book in sepia tone. With seams down the middle; these games HATE my video card.*
Narrator with Stuffed Nose: I quote the first line of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone verbatim, minus the part about "all over the country." Further similarities to canon are purely accidental.
Player: I saw this already. (Presses ENTER key 1,337 times; cutscene does not skip)
Narrator: As unsuspecting Muggles slept, a huge bathtub with wheels and a big guy astride it tumbled down from the darkness.
(Motorbike "tumbles" down. Does that not mean it fell and bounced around before coming to a stop? Wake up the neighborhood!)
Hargrid: It's time for me to live up to my family name and face full life consequences!
Narrator: The giant, named Hagrid, left a blanket-wrapped bundle on the doorstep of number four Privet Drive. Nestled in the bundle was a baby. Ebony Dar- uh, Harry Potter. The Boy Who Lived. For the next eleven years, Harry lived with his dreadful step-parents, the Dursleys. Until that fateful day when he received a letter inviting him to attend Hogwarts in England. Uh, Scotland. Whatever.
Harry: *opens his letter right there in the Dursleys' house, to judge by the drawing*
Narrator: Hagrid took Harry to Diagon Alley to purchase a most unusual list of school supplies...
Some Moron: I love how the next paragraph is really long, so they made the text really small to cram the whole thing onto one slide. And, lo and behold, the narrator reads it in a low voice, like he's … well, reading the fine print!
Narrator: I should remind you that the Sorcerer's MacGuffin is mentioned at this point. So it IS a secret, and it makes sense to read it in a low voice.
Some Moron: The first sentence is not a secret. Case closed.
Narrator: Soon after, Harry got on the train. How he "left the Muggle world far behind" is not really certain – I mean, he didn't go into space.
Space Core: SPAAAAAACE!
Narrator: So anyway. Dumbledore stood up.
Dumblydore: WHAT ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHER- never mind. This term, the corridor on the third floor is out of bounds to everyone who does not wish to suffer a most painful death.
Harry: Are there more... dead men there?
(The introduction makes no mention of what any of this stuff is. Seriously... some time, go play the game, listen to the intro, close your eyes, and pretend you've never read the book. Try and make head or tail of what's going on.)
Narrator: Harry sat beneath the Sorting Hat hoping that he would not be chosen for Slytherin House over Gryffindor. "Not Slytherin, eh?" said the hat in his ear. "Well, even though you're a major character, you don't seem to be goffic... so better be... GRYFFINDOR!"
"Hogwarts Main Entrance. Attend Defense Against the Dark Arts with Professor Quirrel, located on the third floor. Find 1 secret Wizard Card."
(Everybody is supposed to attend the beginning feast, right? What do those two students at the top of the stairs think they're doing?)
Entire student body of Hogwarts, totaling 13 plus Harry: *runs out of Great Hall*
Harry: *looks around*
Suit of armor: *looks around*
(Dumblydore descends the staircase. Ignoring the other 13 kids in his school, he approaches Harry and personally addresses him)
Dumbledork: Welcome to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I am Albus Dumbledore, your headmaster. Apparently, I did not introduce myself in the Great Hall when everybody was listening, or maybe I didn't think you were paying attention. Oh, notice that my mouth does not move when I talk. Pathetic when you consider that this game came out a month after Halo.
Harry: I'm just going to stare at your beard, k?
Dumbledoree: Now, Hogwarts is full of secrets, Harry, so search behind every door BUT... keep in mind... not all secrets are rewarding. Only this morning, I took a wrong turn and stumbled upon a room full of Chocolate Frogs.
Harry: Cool, but why is that not rewarding?
Dumbledum: Shush. They turned into Fire Crabs, obviously. (Voice changes to one much more labored) Now, up the stairs and off to your lessons. I need to go; I'm having a heart attack and my Alzheimer's is dangerous!
Epic music: *is epic. They remixed it in game 3. Meh. The original is so much cooler.*
(Harry walks upstairs and sees Ron, a.k.a. Diabolo, who apparently did not attend the feast.)
Ron: Hey Harry! Remember me, Ron Weasley? I assume your memory span is like five minutes, because we just met on the train and I'm currently the only person you even know. My brothers Fred and George – who didn't attend the feast either – have something to show you even though they haven't met you yet. Follow me! *runs ahead and around the corner – then shows himself again* Follow me, Harry!
Harry: Dude, I know!
(Harry jogs in place on his way down the hall)
Fred: Hello Harry. We can show you how to get around Hogwarts.
George: As a first year, you have a lot to learn. Also, notice how only the person who's talking actually moves, since our faces can't animate. Kinda like Red vs. Blue!
Fred: You ever wonder why we're here?
George: It's one of life's great mysteries, isn't it? Anyhooz, follow us for a secret lesson.
Ron: See ya, bye.
Harry: *follows the twins through a trap door that turns into a different trap door leading into a different area in the next game*
Fred and George's theme song: *is awesome, and it sucks that they dropped this song after the first game*
Some Moron: The game data files call it Crabbe and Goyle's theme. But it plays in this part with Fred and George. My Immortal also gets these two pairs of people mixed up. Connection?
Fred: We're going to teach you how to climb.
George: Run to the bookcase and don't stop. You'll block... the bookcase... with your BODY!
(Harry smashes headlong into the bookcase. He puts his hands up and levitates six inches into the air so he can grab the top surface.)
Jelly bean: *Shhhwow!* (They left this classic sound effect in the later games on the console versions, why did they change it for the PC versions?)
Some Moron: This is how item collection is actually supposed to work. Compare with the third game, where you collect obscene numbers of beans at once.
Fred: Well done. Now let's try jumping. Also try to ignore the ghost dude. Run to the ledge, and press the JUMP BUTTON.
George: We're entirely serious. We tell you to press the jump button to jump.
Fred: No fair using super-jump cheats. We'll take the "shortcut." We're going the long way around, but we somehow reach the other end before you.
George: Sorry, Harry, we can't give you our portal gun just yet.
(By the way, the "shortcut" is completely NOT a shortcut. The path takes you to the floor below. There's no other way to get to the end ledge.)
Peeves: Oi, it's Potty-Wee-Potter!
Harry: Aagh! I took DAMAGE from that! During a scripted scene! UNFAIR!
Fred: That's Peeves the poltergeist. He's always causing trouble.
George: Peeves doesn't like first years. I'd watch my step if I were you. (Trips and falls down the stairs)
Peeves: *Random quotes that I can barely hear and that are not included in the subtitles*
George: You're getting the hang of this!
Fred: In Hogwarts, you'll find all sorts of wicked treats. Why am I telling you how to pick one up, since you've been doing it for the last five minutes?
George: Chocolate frogs boost your energy.
Harry: No they don't. They replenish lost health. "Boosting your energy" means making you more powerful.
George: Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans are fun to collect. Downside is, they're absolutely useless, unless you want to see the poorly-animated Legendary ending.
Fred: So yeah, we're collecting them too. For some, ahem, experiments. We sure not going to eat them – you picked them up off the floor!
George: Yeah, but Five Second Rule. We need 25 beans, Harry. Come back when you've got them all. We're holding you hostage until you do!
Harry: *climbing* Huhp! Hugh-oof!
Fred: Wow. You are apparently really out of shape. Anyhooz, here's a wizard card.
Harry: *Sinks into the floor, defies gravity, and asplodes the card*
George: There you go. Now kindly GTFO, and good luck!
(Harry HUGH-OOFS up to the secret entrance above the bookcase and meets up with his rival – Gary Oak... er, Malfoy.)
Malfoy: Well, well, well. If it isn't the famous Harry Potter.
Harry: It isn't.
Hermione: I'm watching from a nearby doorway, and I don't care.
Malfoy: I'm Draco Malfoy, and you'd do well to show me respect.
Harry: Dude, you're supposed to be nice to me at first, until you find out I'm chummy with the Gryffindors.
Malfoy: I don't care! I'm gonna act like a bully from the get-go! So show me some respect!
Harry: You know what? I will! I'm gonna love and tolerate the s—t out of you!
Malfoy: My voice just jumped a full octave. Also, this is Crabbe and Goyle. Or maybe Fred and George. Tara Gilesbie really confused me. Naturally, we Slytherins are going to win the House Cup and the Quidditch Cup.
Harry: Dafuq are those? The game did not introduce me to either one.
Malfoy: You'd better stay out of our way, Potter! And you'd better love my theme song! *Runs off with his henchmen*
Hermione: Hello, Harry. I'm suddenly a ginger kid. I'm also completely sweet to you, which is OOC until I get trolled.
Harry: Oh, hello. I'm stupid, so could you show me where the classroom is?
Hermione: It's right through this door. You can see it from where you're standing, you ridiculous dimwit.
(They all walk into the classroom near their desks, and don't sit down.)
Quirrel: I am P-Professor Q-Q-Quirrrel! Today, we're g-going to learn to p-p-protect ourselves against D-Dark Magic with the Flipendo spell. Harry P-Potter, please step up h-here, s-since we m-make you d-d-do everything in this v-v-video game.
Peeves: I AM STILL CACKLING!
(Harry walks up the front of the class)
Quirrel: Watch my wand.
Harry: That's what she said.
Quirrel: Then, h-hold d-down the mouse b-b-button and repeat the p-p-pattern. Release the b-b-button when you're d-d-d-d—done.
(Harry tries to recreate the pattern. When he's done, Quirrel starts slowly shaking his head no.)
Quirrel: Rather d-disappointing, b-but at least you t-t-tried.
(Harry tries to recreate the pattern and epic fails)
Quirrel: What shape was that, Mr. P-P-Potter?
IdleSwineProductions: *drags the mouse cursor violently across the whole screen* Take that, you STUPID game!
Quirrel: That's not the shape I expected, Mr. P-P-Potter.
(Harry tries to recreate the pattern. If you ever need to torture yourself, play this part of the game with a laptop trackpad.)
Quirrel: Son, you failed again, you fahking disgrace!
Harry: But Dad!
Quirrel: I don't caaaaare! Now go complete a challenge that's completely irrelevant to the plot of this story!
Harry: Should I be worried about the fact that I'm going to be alone with a guy possessed by Voldemort?
Enjoyed it so far? Don't know how frequent the updates will be for this one, but if y'all like it, I'll try and keep it fairly regular. And I'll also try and reduce the raw complaining about the game for later chapters as well. Bai!