#include "stddisclaimer.h"

(Previously on I'm Game For That)

Loading Screen: A chess game! Boy, I sure hope you are an intelligent enough player to know how to beat a - what's that, all players are idiots? Okay! You're screwed now!

(And so it continues...)

Hermione: The next puzzle is a gigantic chess board. Just telling you that straight-up so you have no dramatic surprises or anything!

Harry: Thanks, I'd hate to be in a game with good cinematics!

Hermione: You were only about five seconds behind Ron, but I guess he has a super-boost because he's already playing the chess game and you just got here.

Harry: And you met me here coming the other way, so you must have a super-boost too.

Hermione: Yeah, I love cheat codes.

Harry: Well, I'm gonna go see if he's beaten it yet.

*They both run to the giant backgammon board*

Hermione: Oh, Ron, are you all right?

Ron: I don't know. If my entrails are on the other side of the board, does that qualify as "all right"?

Harry: Pfff, yeah, it's just a scratch.

Ron: I've defeated most of the pieces, but I've been hurt. Not heroically or anything, I kinda got a paper cut.

Hermione: So you're off the board, and I'm off the board, and Harry was never on the board. Does that not mean we lost the game?

The Game: You just lost it.

Ron: It's up to you now, Harry. Sure hope you're capable of playing chess, considering we never gave you a spell challenge about it! Uhhhhhgh.

Hermione: Harry, you have to be careful and avoid the pieces, because that's exactly how chess is played!

Harry: Okay, so how do I play?

Hermione: They all move one square at a time.

Real Ron: THAT IS NOT HOW CHESS WORKS AT ALL. That is how checkers works.

Harry: Checkers work*.

Hermione: Well, no, "checkers" is a singular noun representing the game –

The Game: You just lost it.

Hermione: - so the correct verb is in fact the singular "works."

Harry: Grammar Nazi.

Hermione: THE POINT IS, make the pieces fight each other and then you can get across.

Harry: K. *Walks onto the board*

Pawn: IMMA GET YOU!

Rook: LOL nope. I'm gonna perform a completely illegal move and capture you diagonally!

Pawn: OH NO YOU'RE NOT!

Rook: Leeeeeeet's battle! Bulbasaur, I choose you!

*Rook and Pawn fight and both die. HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN?*

Game developers: Ignore the rules that are a mess! We're just taking a guess, as we're too stupid to play chess!

Zecora: You're not bad at rhyming though.

Harry: So, more boring crap as the pieces commit murder-suicide against all known rules of chess.

Hermione: Come on, let's go!

Loading Screen: The final encounter! Stop Quirrel from getting the Sorcerer's Stone.

Harry: What!?

Loading Screen: Stop Quirrel from getting the Sorcerer's Stone.

Harry: … Has there been a plot twist I wasn't aware of?

Programmers: Well... this is the level where Quirrel is revealed as the bad guy, so we figured-

Harry: No.

Music: I am intense and dramatic! Jogging down this winding path in the middle of blackness really makes the adrenaline pump!

Doorway: NONE SHALL PASS!

Hermione: Oh no! The exit is blocked by an ineffective particle effect that more closely resembles smoke than fire!

Fire: IKR, why couldn't they have taken the good fire effects, made them black, and used that?

Hermione: See the potion bottles? Looks like you have to choose the right one. It can't be a logic puzzle like in the book, since clearly you are too stupid to comprehend that...

Harry: Is that why one of them is spouting blue blob particles high in the air?

Hermione: Yes, that's the right bottle. Go cast Flipendo on it to start the puzzle.

Harry: … Wha? Can't I just go pick it up and drink it?

Hermione: No, why would it be that simple? Anyway, be careful, Harry. It could be poison.

Harry: Oh, THAT makes me feel good! I'm so glad I know that the bottle I'm about to drink from could in fact kill me, maybe slowly and painfully, who knows.

Hermione: No, not that bottle, all the other ones, they might be poison.

Harry: That's no better!

Puzzle: I know exactly when to start moving all the potions. Also, funny how they all suddenly change color so they're all blue! I had no idea that potions could canonically do that.

Harry: I'm gonna tryyyyyy THAT one. Yeah, I'm gonna take it! Gonna save the world and have a blast – what have I got to lose? #YOLO #SWAG

Hermione: I can tell from standing all the way back here that you probably messed up! But I could be wrong.

Harry: Nah. *Drinks potion* Ahhh. Now I can get thHURNDKELBLAGH!

Hermione: Harry! Are you all right?

Harry: Fine, I'm just clearing my throGAAACK. *Falls to knees* Can't—feel—haunches! Spleen failing! Glutes—glutenizing!

Hermione: You need to watch the bottles more carefully!

Harry: Hermione... before I die, there's something I have to tell you... something I've always wanted to say...

Hermione: What? What is it?

Harry: Hurk-

Hermione: Ahh crap.

Harry: Blargh.

Loading Screen: Stop Quirrel from getting the Sorcerer's Stone.

Harry: … Has there been a plot twist I wasn't aware of?

Programmers: Well... this is the level where Quirrel is revealed as the bad guy, so we figured-

Harry: No.

Music: I am intense and dramatic! Jogging down this winding path in the middle of blackness really makes the adrenaline pump!

Doorway: NONE SHALL PASS!

Hermione: Oh no! The exit is blocked by an ineffective particle effect that more closely resembles smoke than fire!

Harry: Deja vu.

Hermione: You have to complete a crappy... um... Some Moron can't think of what kind of game/puzzle this actually is right now, but his grandma used to play a variant of it on the computer...

Harry: Slide puzzle?

Hermione: No, you're an idiot. Go do the puzzle.

Harry: K.

*Much later*

Hermione: Well done, Harry. You picked the right one. I can tell that from standing all the way back here!

Harry: Yeah, no kidding. I didn't even cast a spell on the freakin bottle, I just went over it and picked it up. It worked so much better!

Hermione: Okay then. Go drink it and stuff.

Harry: Glug, glug, glut.

Hermione: Glut?

Harry: OpenGL Utility Toolkit.

Hermione: I don't caaaaaare. I'll go help Ron tend to his paper cut. You'll have to find Snape on your own... good luck defending yourself against a grown wizard.

Loading screen: Uh, that was Quirrel. You stop Quirrel from getting the stone.

Harry: STOP SPOILING THE ENDING!

Loading screen: Season 3 starts with a double feature about defending the crystal empire.

Harry: SHUT UP!

Hermione: Good luck, Harry. Your drinking of the potion made the fire at the entrance go away, so I can escape. Yay for me!

Harry: Aaaaand more steps and another winding pathway – whoa.

Quirrel: Hai. I'm just waiting outside here so you'll see me.

Harry: I had no idea you would be here.

Quirrel: IKR. Now I'm going to go back into this room – remember this room, you will need to go here next! - and continue scheming to get the Stone.

Harry: This may be the longest jump I make in the game.

Quirrel: I wondered if I'd be meeting you here, Potter. I don't sound evil or anything here, I honestly wondered.

Harry: Yeah, I'm about as surprised to see you.

Quirrel: I suppose you're expecting someone else.

Harry: Well, I was bracing myself for a scene with a floating naked blue guy and some energy pillars I have to knock down, so I guess I'm pleasantly surprised it's only you.

Quirrel: Yeah, it's only me – scared, stuttering Professor Quirrel. My voice acting sucks... I should be menacing, then do a mock version of my old voice.

Harry: Indeed.

Quirrel: You're far too inquisitive to remain among the living.

Harry: … Okay, (a) I'm not being inquisitive, in fact I haven't asked you a single question yet. For all you know, I could be just down here visiting to see if I can find all the wizard cards. And (b) are you serious, "remain among the living"? Trying to make the game lighter and softer for kids? Well, SHUT UP. The kids who play this game will the same ones who watched the movie...

Voldemort in the first movie: KILL HIM!

Quirrel in the movie: *Literally flies across the room, pinning Harry to the steps and trying to literally strangle him*

Quirrel: Well, it's a game, you see, and video games containing anything related to violence cause people to become violent!

Harry: You are so full of water buffalo dung.

Quirrel: SILENCE! I will spread all the propaganda I want! AVADA KEDAVRA!

*Is that not what he silently casts? Because he shoots a distinctly green light at Harry, and to my knowledge only one spell produces a green light.*

Harry: Ow! That hurted!

Quirrel: Now for lots of boring crap where I shoot curses and Flipendos at you and you try to move blocks! All this when I could just come down and kill you.

Harry: You suck so much.

Quirrel: And now I patiently wait for you to climb up to me...

Harry: Okay, you are a thoughtful guy, I'll give you that. You want me to follow you now?

Quirrel: Uhh... nope, short cinematic. Curses, Potter! You will not succeed again. Now be a good kid and follow me into this room with the giant mirror.

Harry: Fine... now where on earth did he go?

Quirrel: I now possess the knowledge of Offscreen Teleportation.

Pinkie Pie: He learned from the best!

Mirror Harry: I just collected a Sorcerer's MacGuffin just like a wizard card! I must've traded it for 25 beans!

Mirror Fred: We need the beans for some, *ahem*... experiments.

Harry: Wow.

Vlodemort: He hath the Stone! I hath a good acting voice! And telekinesis!

Quirrel: Gimme the stone. I sound kinda pathetic in comparison.

Volsemort: Let me sssspeak to him... faccccce to faccccce!

Harry: Dude, you some kinda snake or something?

Volfemort: That'sssss a niccce sssssstone you've got there. Sssssshame if ssssssomething were to happen to it.

Quirrel: Would it really have taken that much effort to put a bit more character into my voice? I'm totally going to twist my head around now.

Voldemare: Don't do that, you idiot! You're sssssstill a human, you'll break your neck!

Harry: I'm gonna run away now.

Voldemont: Die, Potterrrrrr!

Harry: Well, at least he's concise and to the point. *Dodges flying flames*

Volcemort: You will never escape, now that there are two-dimensional fires rotating around the room!

Harry: *Matter-of-factly* Maybe I can cast Flipendo on the wobbly pillars.

Quirrel: But... that's the spell I taught you... you traitor!

Harry: Flipendo! Fliiiiipendo!

Voldmort: Thissssss is your lassssst warning!

Harry: … what? You just flat-out told me you were going to kill me, and you've been shooting the Killing Curse at me... those were just warnings? Boy, it must be really bad when you actually mean it.

Voldemont: When I really mean it, I ssssssshoot heat-seeking cursssssses at you!

Harry: No fair, why does an infamously evil wizard with a huge following and seemingly endless power get a guided rocket launcher, while I don't?

Voldemotr: Aaaagh! I've been hit by my own cursssses reflected in the mirror! Why can cursssses reflect off mirrors? This makes no ssssenssssse!

Harry: And the rest of the game does make sense?

Vokdemort: Good point. AAAAGH! FIRE IS SHOOTING OUT OF MY WAIST!

Harry: Dude, you make for a frickin' epic fireworks display. AAAAGH I have to pass out for no reason!

Dumblydore: Hi. I'm capable of Offscreen Teleportation, too!

Loading screen: Miss me? You usually see me after a dissolve cut, but I retired now. I'm collecting Social Security and everything, pretty awesome.

Narrator: Dumbledore smiled. We have to say this in a storybook sequence because, you know, nobody's actually capable of facial emotion in this game. So yeah, he quoted the book, and then told Harry that they sic'd a Spartan Laser on the Stone. He knew that some people, when allowed to live forever, would spend their eternity on Earth re-taking high school over and over again instead of using their power for the good of the world, so they couldn't take such a chance.

Dumbledore: But yeah, if we slow him down enough, maybe he won't come back at all.

Harry: Edward Cullen, you mean?

Dumbledore: No, Voldemort.

Narrator: "So the Stone's gone?" said Ron, finally.

Ron: … Howdafuq did I get here?

Harry: I don't even know.

Ron: So yeah, here's a wizard card. It's Harry Freakin' Potter!

Harry: Wow! I'll bet this never would've existed had I not done the extensive work of finding every single wizard card in the game. Forget saving Hogwarts, I got 100% completion!

Dumbledore: Now go to the feast – I have to break the collective heart of Slytherin House!

Narrator: Harry went to the feast and got lots of funny looks for some reason, and then Dumbledore told everybody about how House points work, even though everyone should already know.

Dumbledore: Slytherin is scripted to be in the lead right now, but I'm gonna give Harry an extra sixty points because I feel like it. Forget Ron and Hermione and Neville... pffff, they're not the ones who were doing all the work in this game! At least we give Harry some recognition for his efforts.

Ron: I appear to be hugging Harry in a weird way in this picture.

Narrator: It was the best evening of Harry's life, and evidently this would be the moment he thought about when casting the Patronus Charm over and over and over again in the third game.

The Game: You just won it.

Loading Screen: The end. Why do we even need a loading screen if it's the end?

Snape: BECAUSE I STAR IN THE LEGENDARY ENDING. Hah. I am lurking menacingly.

Gnome music: Hai!

Snape: I hate cheerful music.

Fred and George: We don't!

Snape: Ahh, the potions room. My most precious chamber, Daniel. And it lies well beyond the Refinery. In fact... it lies between the very stone of Hogwarts!

Gnome music: I fade out now.

Some Moron: Good, I honestly don't care for GNOME 3 anyway. I like KDE better.

Snape: Now I'll just kick off my shoes and play some Call of Duty... whaaa?

Bean: Hi.

Snape: Dafuq?

Cupboards: BOOM! Beans beans everywhere!

Snape: Mmff! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!

Massive poorly-animated pile of beans: *Spreads throughout the entire room, engulfing it in sugar*

Fred: Haha! We might've just killed him from asphyxiation – that's so hilarious!

George: Yes, that's awesome! I think our *ahem* experiment was a success!

Fred: Sure seems like a lot more than 100 beans though, doesn't it?

FADE OUT!

Quick, before you read my final note, go to [slash] iClEaJz_A0A and listen to that while you read.

Well, that's a wrap. Another entire fanfic, completed, at last. I'd like to thank everyone who read and enjoyed this parody, particularly my three most faithful reviewers:

iheartmwpp

Latios381

Dndchk

If you liked this fic, I highly recommend checking out iheart's work, as it's based primarily on her parodies of the movie series. If you like the awful fanfiction My Immortal, check out the other works on my own page... Hogwarts Reads My Immortal was personally approved by Tara Gilesbie himself.

Don't really know what to say about this game as a whole. It's... awesome, but awful. What next? I don't know. I try to use relatively original ideas each time I write a fic, and since a game parody script has now been done... dunno. There's always the second game (which, to be honest, I really liked... it may be my favorite of the game series)... or maybe something completely different. I wouldn't mind writing a MLP fanfic.

So, without further ado, the contents of the mythical stddisclaimer.h:

I do not own any of the following things: Harry Potter, Half Life: Full Life Consequences, My Immortal, Portal, Amnesia: The Dark Descent, Halo, Red vs. Blue, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, PewDiePie, Happy Wheels, Nintendo, Pokemon, TV Tropes, GNOME Window System, LibreOffice and its autocorrect, The Ring, Twilight Zone, Terraria, Zero Wing, Monty Python, TheSilverKetchup, H.P. Lovecraft, Minecraft, Indiana Jones, Dr. Who, Twilight (thank goodness), DeliciousCinnamon, Pokemon Vietnamese Crystal, Drag-and-Drop, Rick Astley, Caramelldansen, IdleSwineProductions, Tetris, Star Wars, Omegle, Doom, ASDFMovie, Sonic 2006, A Very Potter Musical, Skyrim, Assassin's Creed, The Three Stooges, or the OpenGL Utility Toolkit.

Thank you all for reading. Have a good night. Or morning. Or afternoon. Or whatever it is in your time zone.