I laid next to Jin quietly. My husband. We lay in a special room in the chapel where we wed hours before. We had shared a death-stick, and I briefly remembered Asenath and my father leaving the room. I was still coming out of my chem-fog, when I was hit with a wave of nausea. I made it to the tiled, small bathroom where my stomach forced out the dinner I had eaten with Jin, Asenath, and her daughter, Tobi. I remember thinking who names their daughter Tobi? while chunks of bantha meat and fruit mixed with acid worked its way up my esophagus.
I suddenly remembered why Jin and I had gotten married. The baby. I put my hand on my belly where I could just tell that there was a baby. I stood up, rinsed my mouth out, and then looked at the coloring on my jowls, which were a hideous green. I peeked back into the bedroom. Jin was still asleep. I decided to sit on the tiled floor for a few minutes to keep cool.
Did I love Jin? I thought so. But now, on the tile, sick and hot, I wasn't so sure. The cold tile gave me chill-bumps. Jin let off a snore in the other room. I smiled. I suppose I did love him. I loved him enough that night in the bar to smoke the death-sticks, get drunk, and hand have relations with him. Obviously, not one of my smarter life decisions. I barely knew the guy, then I wound up pregnant. But, I knew somehow that we'd be happy together. We had to be. And I knew that I could be bossy. I informed him that I was pregnant, and that we were getting married. He thankfully didn't seem too offended or frightened by it. He completely and readily agreed to the arrangement. Probably just because I was pregnant. But I don't know. He made the same vows I did: to remain faithful. No mention of love in Mandalorian vows.
How could I be comforted not knowing how he really felt? Was it just a responsibility to him? Did he truly care about me? I know he cared about Asenath. But she had been in his life for years. I had been in his life for only a few days. How could I compare to what she was to him? But she was married. She had a daughter. She had two adopted sons. She had everything that I wanted for Jin and me. She married for love. I married for the desire of a whole family. Was it stupid? I didn't think so at the time. And I did love him. I loved him more than I ever thought possible.
I put my hands back on my tummy. I laid flat on my back on the tiled floor, and did breathing exercises to relax. The tile felt lovely on clammy skin. I stayed there until I felt much cooler. I stood up and walked back into the blessed room of the chapel. I slid back into the bed, next to my husband. I moved closer to him and snuggled into his heat. I decided that this could be a pleasant arrangement after all.