Authors notes: Here it is, my first fanfic in a while. The Shiki fandom has a dangerous lack of fics for this pairing and i love it to death. Thanks to the fanfic Requiem by Azadari for giving me an idea of what their first time may of been like. Remember to R/R. Thanks for reading!

I don't know...

I don't know...

That's what he kept telling Sunako when she asked him about the cut on his wrist. However Seishin Muroi knew quiet well why he did what he did, He couldn't say the scar was caused by the same man slaughtering her people outside the mansion. The scar was an ever present reminder of a love he could never achieve and a marriage he never wanted to preside over. He remembered it well...

-Eleven years earlier-

"You know, we don't need to stay in the village and live the lives that were chosen for us." Toshio looked over at Seishin as the words left the young monks mouth.

Seishin took another bite of his sandwich and chewed a few times while waiting for his best friend to respond. After a few minutes Seishin was almost sure he was going to get any response, just as Seishin began to pick up his things to throw them out Toshio spoke. "I don't think it's that easy." He said.

"Besides, you're already months into your training as a monk and I'm already half way through medical school, what's the point of quitting and choosing a new path now right?" Toshio rose from his seat, gathering his things. "I need to get to class, I'll talk to you later Seishin." He walked over and threw out the remains of his lunch, leaving the young monk standing there biting on his lip slowly.

"I suppose he's right…" Seishin tossed his bag towards the trash and watched it fall short, onto the ground beside the canister.

"…always a little short." A sad chuckle escaped his lips, he walked over and picked the bag out before throwing it away directly before walking off to his next lesson. The rest of the day was a boring blur of English lessons and presentations from a creative writing class he'd picked up on the side. After his classes Seishin walked his way to the bus stop where he was going to meet with Toshio. Toshio was really what made living in small little Sotaba tolerable, knowing his entire future had been planned out didn't bother him as much when he knew he wasn't suffering alone. He really did want to get away though; he didn't want to be a monk. He wanted to take Toshio somewhere they could be together…in the way he wanted them to be together. He sighed heavily as he turned the corner to the bus stop, he stopped walking when he saw Toshio talking with a girl. He recognized her as Toshio's girlfriend Kyoko. A wave of jealousy washed over the young monk, he gulped it down and walked over with a smile plastered on his face. "Toshio, Kyoko." He nodded to the both of them.

Toshio looked over, pulling out a cigarette and placing it in his mouth.

"Yo." He waved and took out his lighter. Seishin sighed, such a bad habit for a future doctor to have. Kyoko batted at his hand

"What have I told you about that nasty habit?" She asked. Toshio shrugged "It helps me relax." He took a long drag and looked back out to the road. The bus putted along the rocky road to the bus stop and came to a stop opening its doors for the three college students. They got on the bus, paying their fifty cents they moved back to get their seats. The doctor and his future wife sat in the back seat, the young monk a little in front of them. Seishin stared in front of him, and then glanced out the window at the countryside. Nothing but cows and Fir tree's everywhere, older people who spread rumors at the drop of a dime. You couldn't cough without the entire village knowing. In the back of the bus he could hear his friend and Kyoko making out. His hands shook, he clenched them a bit. The bus rolled in to Sotaba, stopping by the local shop. Seishin stood up and walked off the bus, he looked back and watched the other two get off the bus.

Toshio moved away from his girlfriend, waving at her. "See ya Kyoko." He walked next to Seishin as they walked towards the clinic and the temple. "So…Things seem to be going well with your relationship." Seishin broke the silence between them, immediately regretting his choice of subject. Toshio shrugged

"Well enough I guess.", 'a little more than well enough' Seishin thought to himself remember the two snogging in the back seat. He turned off the road to head to the temple. "See you around Toshio." He waved behind up and walked up to the temple. Switching from his school clothes into his temple robes, he sighed out deeply and adjusted his glasses. He slipped his sandals on and walked outside taking in the mountain air. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind of the bitter and impure thoughts about his best friend. Once he felt his mind was cleared he walked off the porch and went to get a broom to begin cleaning. His father would be holding services later and things couldn't be dirty.

A few hours passed, Seishin cleaned the shrine and paid his respects. The services kicked up about the same time they always did. Seishin stood by his fathers side and helped when the ceremony called for it. After a bit the temple patrons left and his father went to rest, leaving Seishin to clean the prayer room. He began with the alter and began scrubbing it. After a while of clearing he heard a noise from the back of the room, turning around he squinted through the darkness. He saw Toshio standing there, a little off kilter. The young doctor stumbled forward; as he got closer Seishin could smell the booze on his best friend. "Toshio, what are you doing here?" 'much less plastered', but he didn't voice that second part.

"Seishin…did…did you know you have really pretty eyes?" Toshio asked, a small laugh. He stumbled up in the church, Seishin blushed at the compliment. His heart racing seemingly caught in his throat. The young doctor stumbled his way up in front of his best friend, face flushed from the alcohol. Toshio grabbed Seishin's arm and pulled him in for a kiss. The young monk froze like a deer in headlights. He didn't know what to think. He stood there in shock, only snapping back when he felt is friends tongue pushing against his bottom lip, begging for entrance into his mouth. The young monk whimpered a bit, opening his mouth. Immediately he felt his friends tongue slide in and begin working it's way through his mouth. He moaned slightly into the kiss but then gaining a grasp on his senses he pushed his friend away. "Toshio, What do you think you're doing?" He panted, trying to gain control of his breathing and his heart rate. Toshio turned his brown eyes to meet with Seishin's green eyes. Toshio walked closer, Seishin moved back until he hit the back wall of the temple.

"You want me right?" Toshio looked him square in the eyes. The young monk opened his mouth and closed it again; he opened it and closed it again. His face was bright red as Toshio got closer to him. "I…" He didn't manage to choke out another word before his best friends lips pressed up against his again. Toshio pressed his body against the smaller man, running his hand along the monks arm. Seishin gripped onto Toshio's shirt gently, letting the kiss happen this time. "Toshio…" his voice was laced with a small amount of lust. His body shuttering a bit, Toshio's hands moved to part Seishin's robes. Lips lingering down to the monk's neck, Seishin bit his lip. He had to be quiet, if anyone even suspected something was going on, rumors would be plaguing the town in less than thirty minutes.

"Hey, don't silence yourself. I want to hear you." Toshio whispered in his ear, sucking on the bottom lobe. The young doctor trained a hand down between his friends legs and stroked him, an amused smirk on his face. "You're really hard already." he nipped Seishins neck. Seishin couldn't help but let out a small moan. It didn't take very much time past that, Seishin could barely remember when they started loosing their clothing. The last thing to be removed were his glasses, he heard Toshio mumble something about them being a pain in the ass.

Seishin gasped as Toshio pressed a finger against his entrance, his friends eagerness was really catching him off guard. He buried his face into his friends shoulder, the smell of cigarette smoke heavy as it always was. A small hiss escaped as Toshio pushed that first finger inside of him. The drunk boy with no tact pushed the finger in a little rougher, moving it in and out. Seishin dug his nails into his friends back. "Toshio..." he whimpered, another finger pushed into him. He couldn't help but bite down on his friends shoulder to stifle a cry.

Tears welled in the side of the young monks eyes, it hurt but at the same time it felt amazing. He'd been longing for this touch for years.

"please...Toshio...I want you." He felt the fingers leave him, a small whimper escaping his throat. It was quickly replaced by something bigger. Seishin bit into his friends shoulder, causing the young doctor to grunt. After a moment or two of settling in, Toshio began to thrust his hips. wrapping his arms tightly around the more frail male. Seishin did everything he could to keep himself from crying out too loudly, it was hard to keep himself silent. especially when his friend would hit him in just the right spot to make him see stars.

"more...more..." he whimpered into his friends ear. He wanted it, harder and faster...he wanted Toshio completely. He almost let out a huge moan when he felt his friends hand find his length and began stroking it. He kissed Toshio quickly to silence it. It wasn't much longer before the young priest released hard, he felt his friend thrust a few more times inside of him before something hot spilled inside of him. He whimpered, it felt good...the best he'd ever felt.

Toshio moved out of him, the room was quiet save for the quickened breathe from the two winded men. Before Seishin could gather his thoughts, he saw his friend getting dressed. The brown haired future doctor had his head hung, he put his clothes on and bolted out of the church. Seishin felt something snap inside of him. What was that about? Why had Toshio done that? Was he not good enough? Had he done something wrong? tears welled up in his eyes and he slid to his knees, after a bit he grabbed his clothes and his glasses and headed back to his house. He felt dead...absolutely so inside. Why...why had Toshio came in and thrown his life into a whirlwind like that? He'd been content staying a friend...but now?

What was he supposed to do? tears spilled down his cheeks, would Toshio even want to be around him after that? He stood up slowly, finishing his chores in a mindless state.

Days passed after that, Toshio didn't say a word to him. Actually went out of his way to avoid him. Seishin felt like something was ripping him apart from the inside out. The third day after the incident he walked home from school. Going to the kitchen he grabbed himself a bottle of wine and brought it with him...He just wanted to drink the pain away. He went to his room and started downing the bottle of wine, slumped back against the wall.

"Toshio...you idiot..." He could still remember the way his body felt as his friend had touched him all over. He chugged more of the wine, no, he wanted to forget. Forget Toshio, forget what had happened, forget the pain. He finished the wine bottle and stumbled to the kitchen to grab another. He took the wine, opened it and downed more of it. falling to his kitchens floor. He couldn't forget though...he couldn't forget the way his friend made him feel. The pounding of his heart, the touch of his hands. He brought the wine bottle up to his mouth, pouring in as much as he could drink at one time. He dropped the bottle on the ground, his eyes closed and opened...on the counter he saw a knife...

How easy would it be to cut it across his flesh? to never feel like this again? To never feel again at all. Would he go to hell? Did it really matter? God had already forsaken him anyway. He went over and picked up the knife, sliding back down to the ground. He pressed it against his wrist, sliding it to the side gently. He watched the blood start to seep from the newly formed cut, spilling down his wrist onto the kitchen floor.

He closed his eyes, it would all be over soon. No more pain. No more suffering. The next few things that registered in Seishin's mind was his mothers screaming...

"Call the Ozaki clinic"

No...he didn't want to see Toshio, nothing else until he heard his friend screaming at him. "Seishin! don't you dare leave me!" Toshio...why was he there? Why did Toshio want him around? Hadn't he been avoiding him? His eyes opened a little bit, He saw Toshio, a look on his eyes that Seishin couldn't describe...'no...don't cry...Toshio' He opened his mouth to say that, but the words wouldn't come out.

He didn't like seeing the person he loved crying. He closed his eyes again. The next thing Seishin remembered was waking up in a hospital bed, the faint beeping of clinic equipment. He sat up in his bed to find Toshio asleep next to him. He reached over and touched his hair gently. The young doctor stirred, he jerked awake and stood up by his friends side. "Seishin! are you alright!" the monk's green eyes turned to him, he clutched the young doctors hand. "...Yes, I'm alright." He forced a small smile. Toshio looked at him, "What made you do something like that? I thought i was going to loose you." Seishin closed his eyes again. "I don't know." that was the first time he told that lie. That same lie he'd repeat for the next eleven years.

-present day-

Seishin opened his eyes, laying on the sofa in the Kirishiki mansion. He sighed, sitting up looking at the I.V. in his arm. It reminded her of that time spent in the hospital. He glanced at the sleeping girl next to him, He could never tell her...not with what was happening... so for the rest of his life the same lie would be told over and over again...

'I don't know.'