((Response to a thought that had been flitting about in my brain for a while. That being, "what if Pooh-Bah wrote fanfiction about his life?))
"Sit, O (probably penniless) reader as I relate to you the tale of Titipu's darkest hour. A time so terrible that it has been forgotten by most everyone but the people who lived through it. I am one of those people. It was a time of great embarassment for Titipu, as a cheap tailor was serving as the Lord High Executioner. Luckily for them, the rest of the government was as wise as it was humble. I was a part of this most auspicious government, and all the other parts of it as well. So when the Mikado of Japan threatened to punish Ko-Ko, the Lord High Executioner, for failing to execute a single person during his entire career, I quickly devised a plan to save the city from being reduced to the rank of village. With aspect stern and gloomy stride, I stalked the streets of Titipu as first commissioner of police, in search of a deserving person to be executed. There was no difficulty in finding such a person, and I soon found one - a person eating peppermint and puffing it in my face. So finding this despicable criminal, I seized him by his little pig-tail and dragged him all the way to Ko-Ko's palace, where I immediately convinced him of the gravity of the situation. He listened to me with a most attentive ear, as my words are generally worth listening to (and anyone who thinks otherwise obviously just wishes they had better breeding). As soon as Ko-Ko cut the head off of the miscreant (in the presence of every important person in Titipu, of course), the head realized what a great person I was and immediately lowered itself into what was unmistakably a bow. Not one of those impudent, off-hand nods that Ko-Ko and Pish-Tush are always giving me (A/N: seriously, I hate those guys), but a real humble bow. It, at least, understood the deference due to a man of pedigree. And the sight touched everybody there and made them realize how vital I was to the Titipu government, and yet, how misunderstood the stress of my position was. "We're sorry for all those times we tried to make you act polite towards little girls, Pooh-Bah!" they chorused, and I forgave them magnanimously. Seeing me behave so dutifully, Yum-Yum approached. She was dressed in revealing Japanese robes with pink stuff on them and looked very high-class at the same time. She was blushing behind her fan.
"Pooh-Bah," she whispered, pouting sexily, "Are you able to take time off of your many important duties? I have heard much about your skill with artistic verisimilitude, and I should like to see you demonstrate it in the privacy of your opulent bedchambers."
"But of course," I replied generously. "In which bedchamber do you wish to meet me? The first lord of the treasury's, the lord high admiral's, the chancellor of the exchequer's, the first commissioner of police's, the groom of the second-floor front's, or the leader of the opposition's?" It was a very serious question, which certain other people never seemed to understand.
Yum-Yum bit her lip, considering the gravity of the question with all the deliberation such a question deserved..."
Ko-Ko lifted his head from the Japanese scroll and shot an accusatory glare towards Pooh-Bah. "Lord Mayor, did you write this?"
Pooh-Bah looked quite insulted at this. "My good sir," he admonished, "my stately duties keep me far, far too busy to do anything as frivolous as writing fiction."
"It refers to you in the first person, Pooh-Bah," Ko-Ko pointed out.
Pooh-Bah reddened and snatched the scroll out of Ko-Ko's hands. "It's only a first draft," he snapped as he swept out of the room