Disclaimer: I do not own Mass Effect that is Bioware's. Nor do I own Duke Nukem mentioned briefly. This is my SelfInsert Fanfiction.

My story starts when I get this funny email asking do I want to write Mass Effect Self Insert-story

,as an idiot I clicked the link that was marked as YES.

The link opens up a page to questionnaire

Hello. This questionnaire is used to determine Mass Effect Universe most suitable to you

If you were to be transported to Mass Effect.

Would you join Commander Shepard?(yes/no)
If yes ,when? (prior/ME1/ME2/ME3)
Are you willing to spend few years before joining?(yes/no/don't care)
Do you want to be biotic?(yes/no/Don't care)
Would you change Canon radically?(yes/no)
Would you try to save both in Virmire(yes/no/don't know yet)
Are you willing to be an experiment?(Yes/No)
Your race(Surprise/Human/Asari/Turian/Salarian/Batarian/Synthetic/Krogan/Vorcha/Quarian/your own)
What would your gender be (Surprise/Female/Male/Hermaphrodite)

Would you customize Shepard?(no(surprise)/Yes) if yes answer these:
His/her Gender ?(F/M/my opposite/Surprise)
Looks (DefaultME1/DefaultME2/DefaultME3/Surprise/Custom)
Background ?(Spacer/Earthborn/Colonist/mix2/Surprise)
Military history (War Hero/Ruthless/Sole Survivor/Mix2/all/Surprise)
Love interest (job/ME1/ME2/ME3/ME123/ME13/ME23/YOU/surprise)
Loyal lover?(yes/no/Twotimer/surprise)
Paragon/Renegade/ParaGade/Renegon/Surprise (Paragade=Paragon mostly but willing to do some Renegade choices depending on the situation,ReneGon is the opposite)
Favorite weapon class?(AR/SR/HP/SG/surprise)

Why did you choose what you chose?
Because in all cut-scenes Shepard is shown to use Assault rifle. Also it's canon that Shepard is Biotic, otherwise s/he shouldn't be able to use those biotic bonus powers when he's not biotic class and I don't use biotic classes much myself even though I feel Shepard should. The classes for Shepard are more like what s/he prefers to be than what s/he is. I'm also believer of god and fate, as in that there are multiple paths for everyone and everything.

After pressing OK,a lighting strikes at me and then my computer and I get sucked into it.
fffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu -aaaaaarrrgggghhh! I yell inside my mind as the pain courses all over me. It feels like I'm getting overloaded with information, getting ripped apart and being stuffed into something that tries to reject me at the same time. Whilst the pain I hear someone yelling

"The AI's processing power is off the charts! Connect it to other support processors! We can't lose this unit! If we do Spectre Arterius will replace us and I don't want to die!" The voice speaks fast and is distinctly salarian sounding, at least to me.
aaargh! AI?
aaarh this hurts!
is he- aaaargh!
talking about me?
well that aaagh
could explain this pain urgh...
If what he
-I concentrate heavily upon my idea of myself,it eases the pain a little
-says is true and I really do recognize his voice as salarian -ugh...
It means I'm in Mass Effect before Saren is stripped of spectre status and aaargh...
I'm AI.
Thinking that line makes me realize A. if I'm AI my consciousness is being stuffed into quantum computer that would have my memories but who would 'think' differently ,blue box. .It means that I would not be myself unless I concentrate and ...remodel the bluebox through sheer willpower, which should be impossible but hey...do I have a choice?
Ignoring the pain I focus all my willpower so I'd beat original programming ,and all the shit ,on ,what I assume to be, the bluebox. After what feels like eternity I feel things getting into shape and the pain ceases almost completely. I focus more inwards and imagine myself like in lucid dreams.

It works. I then hear the salarian again.
"It's calming down. This must have been most furious awakening ever! This could mean it has reached self-awareness already! That would be Remarkable!" I hear the salarian and few others rejoicing. But I'm so wiped out by the effort that idea of killing them for doing this to me feels right thing to do.

Before I can actually do anything or see what I can do he continues"Lets connect it to the rest of its infiltration body! oh and add bigger processing unit to its place on the right lung in case it needs more...brainpower." few seconds later I feel more...whole? As they connect me to my body. I then see all the chaos of the new data and it almost overwhelms me until I decide to go with the gut feeling. It helps and I realize why it looked like chaos. It was nerve-impulses made into 0's and 1's, into pure data. I concentrate and make the data go on background. It works.

The joining and re-categorizing data also makes my inner body change, probably to the shape of my body. I focus and the new ,more compact ,data appears in front of me .It seems I'll be human cyborg that looks completely unremarkable 20 year old male with brown eyes and long brown hair ,which is kind of logical for infiltration and odd considering that my 'maker' is working for Saren, who hates humans. I check the data and notice that I'd be able to use Tactical Cloak and Energy Drain along with Sabotage (hacking) along with some biotics. Also my new body is already fitted with combat suit, which is so it can change shape and color whenever.
"hmph...now that I'm all set I better 'wake up' to my new body" I focus again and imagine myself spreading /growing to my body. or waking up( whatever it would be called.)

"Woah! It woke up already! !" the salarian yells while practically jumping few feet into air from surprise.
Okay time to play robot.

"Data received indicates you're the one the one in charge of creating me and giving me...information. According to data received it's proper to say thank you in case like this. Thank you." I try to say it in monotone but it comes out as natural as I usually sound.

The dude almost shits his pants "according to data received? I don't remember including such a data! did anyone damper with the files?" he yells at others and as everyone there shakes their heads he continues "and how the hell did you learn to speak already? How do you have personality? You know more than we included! How is that possible?" oh shit I should have gone through all the files before waking up. Time to make things up.

"Analyzing please wait. Analysis complete. This unit received several hundred terabytes of data through unknown means, the data package included memories of certain human male that died through unknown means. All the information was sufficient to educate me into full awareness."

The expression on faces of everyone is priceless, mouths hanging open in shock.

I decide it's good time to check what I need so I use the built in comm system and Omnitool and access extra-net. This makes me change to my inner self and I imagine the place to be like TIM's ,Then I start typing in front of me some basic commands.

According to the information the date is two days after attack on Eden prime and a day after Shepard was made Spectre. She's apparently Vanguard with very mixed past and military record.
She was born to spacer family, got lost on Earth at age of 5, was on Mindoir when it got attacked, got picked by alliance, DNA results confirmed her as lost child of captain Hannah Shepard of the vessel that saved her. Went through therapy for years, enlisted at age of 18 on April 11 2172 CE, Hero of Skyllian Blitz, lost her unit on Akuze against Thresher maws (reportedly killed 3 of them) due exhaustion of the fight and stress of losing her unit she couldn't participate in battle of Torfan and reportedly has never used her biotics since.

I then download some basic information like extra-net addresses for Alliance command and Shepard's address. After that I get back to reality and it hasn't even been one second. This should be useful but I wonder how I'm going to get together with Shepard?

After pondering that for whole 3 seconds I get an evil idea and send distress signal. It freaks out the research team

"Cut the communications! The unit just send distress signal to Alliance command! Goddamn what the hell is it thinking! answer me you stupid machine!"the chief researcher yells first to his team and then to me.

Oh how glad I'm heh heh...I think I should cut the act. I ready my shields and quickly grab weapon nearest to me, Mattock heavy rifle, and get to cover."If you call me 'unit' one more time I'll blow your head off." I say while scoping at him. He and his lackeys are totally dumfounded by my actions and speed. "Well? did pyjak eat your tongue?" I continue to taunt him

This sets him off. Its almost poetic how quickly his face changes from shocked to maddening angry. He takes out his pistol while the others scramble, He manages to order full alert before I blew his head off.

"aah that felt good." Before can enjoy shutting him up 5 geth units come from the door behind me and start shooting. They manage to take out my shields but I had prepared for this well. I send out Energy drain and watch as the first geth helplessly shuts down and explodes. I continue rolling until I'm behind some counters. I quickly hack one geth mobile platform that doesn't have any geth in it yet I then start controlling one seems to notice it has been hacked so I take that my hack was complete so I start controlling it and make it fight the others. I then take a deep breath,press tactical cloak on and make run for the Armory. According to information I downloaded, this place is an mined out asteroid in Dis system of Hades Gamma cluster so Shepard should be obvious choice to send here based on the information I sent with the distress signal.

I manage to get to armory before my cloak ends. But before it ends I manage to knock out the salarian in charge of the armory. They really shouldn't have included data on weak points of Turians,Humans,Salarians,Asaris,Krogan,Quarians and Drell...and thanks to my 'brain' being computer now I can practically slow time down...or make it look like it as I speed up my processes. ugh damn I hate this...being fucking digitized...

Hearing running steps I quickly stop my daydreaming and lock down the armory. just before someone tries to get in.

After trying to open the locked door for half a minute they start shouting "open the door goddammit! We need weapons! The newest assassination model has gone berserk! It has hacked one geth unit and it's tearing up everyone! Open the damn door!" I chuckle at this. The unorthodox tactics I use as I control the geth really is tearing them up. I've made it destroy three other geth platforms and few Krogan that shot at it and wounding four salarians. I wonder how I have managed to keep it under my control this long but decide to not ponder more as it's useful.

My musings are interrupted as I hear groan coming behind me. The salarian is waking up. I quickly move next to him and bind its legs and hands so it can't move." Better not make any sound" I say to him as I press knife on his throat, his own knife to be precise. "I want you to convince your friends that you're not letting them in because you don't want me, the berserk assassination model, break in and steal some weapons. If you lie you will die, if you obey I'll let you live and tell C-sec you helped to destroy this place. Deal?" He nods his head furiously. heh fucking coward
"well? what are you waiting for? shout at them to go away!"

The Salarian gulps,well salarian equivalent of it, clears his throat and the yells at the dudes in the other side of the door.

"How do I know you aren't what you say you're after? I'm not opening this until the situation is under control." He then looks at me as if asking was that enough. I nod and he relaxes. a little." now what? you're gonna keep your side of the deal?" he asks me. as an answer I take the knife from his throat and give it to him. He's utterly stunned at this. "You're giving me a weapon? Aren't you afraid I'd attack you?"

"just try...I'm AI you know? my reaction time is faster than you'd think. Everything is like slow motion to me."

"I heard you were just woken ten minutes ago. How come you have personality already? I thought it would take a long time to educate an AI. If wouldn't know better I'd genuinely think you're a human." This comment from him makes me flinch.

"I already told it to the researchers. I have all the memories of certain human male. The information was enough t educate me to full awareness. oh what I'm blabbing...I honestly believe I'm human whose soul and memories are trapped inside this body." I tap at my chest with my index finger and continue "but there is no way to be certain. According to scan I made with my omnitool this body, with exception of right lung, is perfectly human with many enhancements and because I can't get ANY kind of reading of my head I want to think of myself as a human...it gives me...perspective..." He is utterly amazed by my musings (AN:yeah I like that word so stop whining)

"damn...they destroyed my pet geth.." I curse as it blows up in the main laboratory I had made it hole up.

The salarian blinks his eyes few times "Your what?" he asks me.

"My pet geth. Before I came here I took control of one of the geth platforms and made it provide some disturbances. It took down total five krogans,10 salarians and dozen geth platforms before one Salarian managed to sneak up behind its back and destroy it with Overload. oh and I have decided to bring this place down. And I sent out distress signal explaining this situation to Alliance Command."

He looks at me like I'm some sort of psycho. Well if I hadn't experienced it I might think I'm a psycho too. But to my surprise the salarian smiles and extends his hand to me.

"It seems my job just got easier. Lieutenant Garos Lekarion STG. On mission to bring down this facility. Was supposed to be illegal weapon testing facility. When got here noticed this place much more dangerous. couldn't risk capture with so high level security so had to wait for better moment. Designed weapons in the mean time. Escape now possible. need better weapon?"

"I think you just made my day...you said something about weapons?" He smirks at me and walks to the locker. Then he turns around and hands me huge gun that looks like Mattock with scope. but it's twice bigger and hell of a lot heavier and has 3 barrels instead of one. I scan it and can't help but to whistle.

"Now this is what I call a weapon...three rotating barrels,2x-10x zoom with heat vision,can shoot Cryo,Disruptor and armor piercing rounds, full- and semi-auto modes. Depending on size of slugs it overheats between three and 30 shots. Without support recommended to Krogan/geth only."
I mutter aloud its specifications. Garos looks mightily pleased as I.

"you created monster like this? just how long-?" I ask but am interrupted in the middle as his head gets blown to pieces. I curse and turn around to shoot the salarian who shot him. He had come from emergency tunnels. I curse again as I see the door opening. Apparently the guy had sneaked in ,put hack program to open the door and then shot the STG dude.

I quickly get to position that allows me to see both emergency tunnel and the door.

I smirk what the big gun reminds me of. and my new appearance just enhances the connection.

"It's time to kick ass and chew bubble gum," I smirk and spit to floor and put on my helmet before continuing the phrase.

"I'm all out of gum." I then make that games soundtrack to play on my hard-suit (I'm cheating a little as I say that here I remember it from note to note while I really don't, lets say the transfer fixed my memory to the point I remember perfectly everything that ever happened to me)

I then get out of the room just to run into geth squad. I quickly switch my new weapon to disruptor rounds. I then proceed to shoot three of them in quick succession ,overheating the gun, and Energy drain last one. I manage to take full 10 steps to their direction when new alarm indicating attack from outside goes of. I then quickly hack into main network.

The intruder includes tree man team. One human female in N7 armor, one Turian and one krogan.

In nutshell. Shepard, Garrus and Wrex have arrived. Barely hour has gone from me sending the distress signal. I guess they were in the system already.