Hey everyone! I'm Amanda, and this is my scathing commentary on the piece of "gothic" fuckery that is My Immortal. Some things I should mention before you start reading this:
1. This is an updated, edited, more vulgar and obscene version of my original commentary.
2. I haven't read or seen anything from the Harry Potter franchise outside of listening in awkwardly on conversations and seeing commercials. And somehow I know more than this bitch. That is some mind blowing shit.
3. No promises I'll make it all the way through. Last time I attempted this I had to stop because of migraines and a general loss in faith in humanity.
So, enjoy some cursing, sarcasm, and general raging at the shitfic known as My immortal... with some actual understanding of the English language thrown in.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) (I've never heard of "goffik" and if it's some trend that I've never heard of and can't possibly understand, then you are "hipster," and if this is the future of hipsters God save me now) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) (never criticize anyone for being homophobic again. Since you love to do so in future chapters.) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok!
Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! (I love how this is the only time Justin is mentioned. For being the love of her life, she sure doesn't show much affection.)
Hi my name is (STOP. Ok, right there. That's just bad. You don't start a story that way. EVER.) Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name) (You were born with hella long black hair? And your parents knew it'd stay that way? Eew. I call major bullshit on that.) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears (Maybe I'm stupid but what's a limpid tear?) and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!) (I will leave when you learn how to kick me out with proper grammar and spelling.)
I'm breaking this up by sentences. That is one LONG fucking sentence. And it doesn't need to be. 65 words! Including AN interruptions. A long sentence is ok. But it has to be a good long sentence. One that has relevant facts. That piece of crap just left me going "for the love of all that is holy, shut up."
I'm not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. (So's my brother Ima go make out with him now cuz he's just tasty. *sarcasm* Plus WHY on EARTH is she still interrupting her story with her own train of thought? We don't give a single shit about her incestuous fantasies, do we?)
I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. (Your dentist must be so proud?)
I have pale white skin. (Couldn't you have introduced this some other way?)
I'm also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). (I should assume that her being of mixed vampire and witch blood means something and has relevance in this story, bringing up some amazing, twisted, centuries old feud or something epic like that, but based on the last 3 lines I'm against that and thinking it's just more random shit.)
I'm a goth (goth= goff? Let's work on the assumption of yes.) (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. (We learn far too much about what shit you wear over the course of this crap fic.)
I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there. (Brownie points won and lost through awesome store plug but in crap-tastically awful sentence.)
For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. (fashion sense- or a lack thereof- does not make writing good. We won't be all dazzled and think "holy shit this girl's sexy, her writing is suddenly spectacular!" for two reasons. The first is that reading does not work this way. We're not idiots. The second is that this outfit sounds like a train wreck, granted it isn't as bad as some of your future descriptions.)
I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. (And now the description is a train wreck worthy of the Olsen Twins at Rocky Horror Picture Show.)
I was walking outside Hogwarts. (Congratulations.)
It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. (We've had to hear about your clothing, we really don't want to listen to your weather preferences. Just shut the fuck up, you stupid twat. I'm not even going to bother with the impossible weather you mention.)
A lot of preps stared at me. (Did they turn to stone as well?)
I put up my middle finger at them. (So, did you like, remove a middle finger from one hand and hold it up with the other? Saying it this way sounds fucking ridiculous.)
"Hey Ebony!" shouted a voice. (Someone shouted. Otherwise she seems schizophrenic. This isn't some random voice, it's coming from someone.)
I looked up.
It was…. Draco Malfoy! (only preppy, boy- obsessed, cheer- leader, pink and white and sparkly girls build suspension over a guy like this. POSER!)
"What's up Draco?" I asked. (Holy. Crap. Alert the fucking media, it's a sentence without need of correcting.)
"Nothing." he said shyly. (I haven't read Harry Potter, or seen the movies. And even I know that's wrong. See the problem here?)
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away. (1, That's a shitty sentence. 2, If you like him- as I am lead to believe by the suspense you created winding up to his name… 4 lines ago- invite him to go with you. Dumbass)
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!(Thank God that's over.)
Well, that is the first chapter, done.
A couple things I'd like to mention now is that being I have no knowledge of Harry Potter, and these shit characters are in no way truly related to Harry potter, what does anyone think of My Immortal having its own section in fanfiction? If anyone is interested I am thinking of starting a petition and I'll figure out who to go to about this because let's be honest, there is My Immortal crap stopping up the Harry Potter page. When it's not Harry potter. Give My Immortal its own section!
Next, is the worst sentence in My Immortal. This thing gets worse and worse the more you read. But every once in a while, there's a new low. There's just some sentence that fucks your mind so thoroughly in its horrid-ness, that makes it the worst sentence there. So i'm going to keep track of that right here. Starting it off is:
Hi my name isEbony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that's how I got my name)with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!)
You know it's bad when the first sentence of the first chapter is the worst. There are several reasons for this. She starts with "Hi my name is." Stories don't start that way. Next she goes into random ass detail about her fucking hair. In the first goddamned sentence. She also makes an obscure reference and then demands that anyone not understanding her reference needs to stop reading her story. That's all just bad. But let's face it, this is a good sentence in comparison to the rest of her story. It's all downhill from here.
So, send me a message, write a review, just let me know what you think! Thanks everyone!