a/n: after watching Fight the Future, this popped into my head. like a bad tune, it wouldn't go away until I wrote it down. this won't be as long as "outside the lines," but hopefully just as important. I hope you enjoy!
disclaimer: not mine, don't sue...
by: dear pearlie
The sun was shining brightly, the birds were singing sweetly, and everything was beautiful.
These were the days Fox Mulder hated the most.
It was only 6:13, he had time to close his eyes and try to shut out the lovely morning it was going to be. No… just closing his eyes would not be enough. He rolled onto his stomach, taking his pillow and wrapping it tightly around his head. Pretending it was raining and gloomy. Pretending that nature matched his mood, his life, since his partner had left it.
This is how every morning for five years of his life had begun.
Dana Scully had been transferred from the X-files five years, three months, and two days ago, but who was counting? She shouldn't have still been haunting his life. Her vibrant hair, her radiant smile, and yes, even her skeptical attitude permeated every part of him, though. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, but Mulder's heart had only grown hard and cold over five years, three months, and two days. It was like she had left a reserve of herself when she left, and for that time he had been living off of it. But if that were really the case, Mulder knew he used all her essence up long, long ago. He felt he hadn't had enough of her even when he saw her every day. He'd call her at all hours of the night; drop by whenever he had the chance. He could never get enough of her.
And then she was gone.
The night she moved, he'd gone over to her apartment. For what purpose, he wasn't really sure. Was it because of his masochistic tendency to dwell on that which causes him pain? Was it to suck up whatever was left of her presence—her smell, perhaps? Or was it to ultimately, deeply prove to himself that she was ultimately, deeply gone. His strength, his touchstone, his partner just simply not there.
It had been difficult enough to accept that simple fact, but she knew him too well. She knew he'd show up there, for one of the aforementioned reasons or one completely separate. She knew he'd be there, so she left him a note.
And it read:
Before my medical training in college, before my FBI training at Quantico, there was one skill I had mastered so that it became not only second nature, but an inevitability, and a way of life.
We could go on and on about how this came to be. It most likely stems from my military upbringing as a child, in which at the drop of a hat my life could be uprooted. Whether it be five miles or five hundred miles, the affect was always the same. When a child experiences that six or seven times during their short life, they develop certain attributes that no child should have to develop. Detachment. Aloofness. As human beings, we do what we must to survive.
But Mulder, we always go on and on and look at how far we've come in five years. Plainly, what I'm trying to say is that through all the new houses, schools, and beds, I've never found in anyone what I've found in you. So I'm sorry to do this. I'm sorry to put you through this. But I can't let you go, and for that reason, you cannot be a part of my new life. You're in my apartment now, standing in the middle of my living room, no doubt, and it may seem empty. But parts of me are still there. The best parts of me. Those parts are yours forever.
It hurts me more than words can say to have to tell you this. You've given me so much—your trust, your courage, your friendship. I hope I've left enough of me there to reciprocate. I hate to fail and I hate to admit it even more. But even with all of my experience and expertise, I cannot say goodbye to you in person. I cannot give you what you deserve from Utah. Why? Maybe I'm afraid. Maybe I'm not as good at this as I think I am. Whatever the reason, you must know that you are very dear to my heart, and that is what lies at the core of my request. So please, go… find yourself someone to keep you safe. Find the truth you so diligently seek. Fight and fight for your beliefs now that you don't have me to tie you down because you are the only one who will.
And please don't forget me. I will never forget you.
All My Love,
Her words had shocked him speechless and thoughtless for several moments. He had been planning his visits out to her, especially in the form of cases that he would use as an excuse to get out there. The calculations had already run through his head—he'd be able to visit her at least twice every three months and talk to her on the phone once a day for 71 minutes before it would become cheaper to move there. She'd known this, and that is why she'd said what she said. Then, anger had set over him. If there was one thing in this world Mulder could not stand, it was being lied to. She could pretend all she wanted that she was inept in some way, but the real reason Mulder knew she wanted no part of him anymore was because she was thinking about her future and safety. She'd said it herself, everyone does what they can to survive. What Scully was doing was washing herself clean of him, and he hated her for it.
For a split second. And then he thought of all that had happened to her because of him. Her abduction, her sister's death, cancer, not to mention the disrespect she received from her colleagues just because she was associated with him. Hell, even the sleep she lost reliving some of their more horrific cases had been more than she'd had to endure. Mrs. Spooky wanted a divorce. And for all of his anger and hurt, Mulder could not blame her.
But that hadn't made his life any easier. For five years, three months, and two days, Mulder had been effectively dead. Dead in every way a person could be while their heart was still beating in their chest. He quit challenging his superiors because he didn't have the energy. When the X-files were re-opened, he'd pursued them only because she'd expressly told him to. He stuck to the book because it was easier, he'd closed the case on Samantha...
Samantha. Another person in his life he'd let down and as a result, had been taken from his life forever. He thought about wearing a shirt that warned women of his companionship, but his actions spoke loudly enough. Mulder had barely lifted his eyes from the ground in five years, he certainly hadn't been looking anywhere else. He woke up missing her. He went to sleep missing her. He was a man prone to obsessiveness, and this was a shining example of that trait.
And he thought, for five years, three months, and two days, that he could live this way for the rest of his life.
Until he saw Margaret Scully in the grocery store.
He saw her first, but had tried to avoid her. What would they talk about? What kind of interaction could he possibly have with her that wouldn't lead to another pang in his crippling depression? But just as he'd been about to duck into the cereal aisle, she'd spotted him. And she called out to him.
"Fox? Fox, is that you?" she asked, walking up to him. She still looked like the same old Mrs. Scully. Warm eyes, loving arms, 'the type of Mom you'd put in a nice nursing home,' he thought to himself with a sadistic chuckle.
"Hi Mrs. Scully. How are you?" he tried to sound enthused. He failed. Miserably.
"I'm still kicking, if that's enough."
"That's more than enough, Mrs. Scully."
"It's Maggie, Fox. You know that."
"So, how have you been? It seems like it's been forever," she cut right to the chase. After all, they were standing in the cereal aisle.
"I'm doing alright. Still at the FBI. Not much has changed, I'm afraid."
"Oh you're still with the bureau? Dana left awhile ago."
Mulder internally seized. He hadn't wanted to know anything about Scully's life. He'd rather live in ignorance, keeping her in a stasis within his mind. But the reality was that she was leading a life separate from his, and Maggie was certainly allowed to talk about it.
"Oh really? I'm happy for her."
"Yeah, after the baby was born, she just found it to be too much of a risk," Maggie offered, obviously not aware of the terms on which her daughter left Mulder.
The wind was knocked out of him when that sentence left her mouth. Did Maggie Scully know the effect she was having on him? What her words were doing to him physically? A baby? It was more than impossible… deep inside he knew there was dirty working afoot.
He made his decision right then and there to find her. Because They hadn't just successfully separated them, They'd fucked with her body again. A fire that had been out for a long time was suddenly rekindled in his belly. He had to find her. For her sake.
please review! I'd really like to know what you think of this story :)