2Who Knows Where Dreaming Ends
Summary: AU with canon-implied background. Self-insertion modified from dream series. Pre-prequel to "Faire Friends" et al. Warning: this installment ends a bit depressingly. Kurama/Self.
Author's Note: Let me begin by saying I originally jotted this down the morning of 25 December 2009 as a Dream Journal entry. That was just after starting posting for "Healing Soul" so the contents of this dream totally floored me. As may be obvious from 'my' reactions in the course of the story. From my original writing I changed little other than to move it to a more linear "story" format instead of my normal preliminary run-on notes. Unlike many of my dreams I was able to get much of the conversations down before the wording left me.
It has clearly been many years internally debating whether I should post this. Only in light of my recent posting of "Faire Friends" do I even dare. This is personal beyond words and I honestly don't feel Comfortable sharing it… yet like with "Faire Friends" I have been fighting the compulsion to do just that and leap entirely out of my comfort zone. Getting the external hard-drive upon which it was moved working again while searching for my misplaced flash-drive containing "Healing Soul" only intensified this unreasonable urge to finish and upload it. Resistance was, pathetic or not, futile as I could not focus on finishing anything else until I capitulated. Extremely frustrating, I assure you.
This is basically a pre-prequel to "Faire Friends" as of this moment I don't know what transpires to get from the end of this story so that we can arrive at the beginning of that. I wish I did. Perhaps when I do I'll type up the connecting story and share it as well.
As usual I own nothing, earn nothing, and only hope to gain some sense of something positive in the writing and sharing of this fanfiction. Thank you, and I hope you enjoy.
Who Knows Where Dreaming Ends
Familiarity encompasses the long, three-story home that is part unique mansion, part mini-complex. Familiarity and yet… an odd feeling bordering on déjà vu which tingles beneath the surface that something is slightly off. I know we are staying at my Grandmother's house in Forest Park, disregarding the inner voice whispering how she has been deceased for years with the house sold to image-conscious Bostonians years before that; the same way something ripples that as usual the building has changed, yet that too seems normal. Moving from the family wings on the third floor I skid a bit down the carpeted upper stairs before taking advantage of the paired railings in this smaller stairway to lift myself up and swing beyond the last four steps or so. The note pinned across the landing at the bottom of the stairs draws my attention, stopping me on the way to the kitchens for a bite (I was thinking an apple, some of which are always on hand, but hoping there were strawberries or a peach remaining).
Reading the note I sigh heavily before stuffing it into my back pocket and jogging across the landing on this level to a different part of the house. I hadn't been over here since the day before when I'd made sure that all the bunk beds in the dormitory were made properly. But now I had been asked to "get Shuuichi up" as his fellow suite mates had let him have a lie-in but he has to get up before his turn. The room itself is in the shape of an "L" and I enter on the shorter length. It's a bright area full of honeyed woods on the floors, walls, and bed frames dotted with the crisp white of the linens with sunlight streaming through the windows. After a quick once-over I realize I'm not certain which bunk is his so I get the sleeping arrangement chart (yes, we have one of those). There is only one "Shuuichi" listed and I blink a bit, shaking my head seeing "Minamino" on the chart, chalking it up to coincidence and go to wake him. Long, vibrant red hair that would put Titian red to shame flows from over the blanket. After I blink seeing he looks just like the character I thought he simply happened to share names with I finish the request I've been given.
"Shuuichi-san?" For some reason I fall into honorifics even though I'm not using them right and not really thinking about it. "It's time to get up. Something about it being your turn…?" He sits up fully alert and I jump back –partly from the speed and alertness of the male in front of me, and partly because now that his bright green eyes are open I can have no further doubts that his name and appearance match the character. 'I must be dreaming…' I think I see fuzzy white ears on his head and have to stop myself from shaking MY head being certain now I'm imagining the transparent image. No way I could see that, right? Besides… the name and look are just coincidence.
Just like I'd expect of the character he politely thanks me for waking him up to which I give a soft "you're welcome" and bob my head and shoulders in something of a bow before heading out of the room. All the while trying not to think about how wonderful his low, thoughtful voice sounded or how I wouldn't mind smelling his particular scent indefinitely. Definitely an immediate addition to my Amortentia list.
I see him not many hours later on an outside walk where he thanks me again and we exchange introductions. Once more I see ears but I shove it away while internally telling myself I watch too much anime. We're cordially chatting and basically getting to know each other when a figure approaches who makes me cringe uneasily for no clearly apparent reason. Well… other than the fact that he shouldn't be on the grounds, much less walking up the balcony stairs towards us. The greasy appearance paired with hunch and an oily sneer I could try not to typecast if it wasn't for the shiver of mistrust crawling up my spine. I glance at Shuuichi who is faintly frowning but otherwise giving a show of being relaxed and pleasant. It's enough though to assuage my own feelings of being ill-at-ease in this being's presence enough to give my own polite display. "May we help you?"
"Minamino Shuuichi?" The being –I can't call him a person—asks with a barely concealed sneer of reproach. I frown and Shuuichi's eyes narrow slightly.
"Yes." The look in his eyes as if to say 'and I repeat: may we help you' or more importantly 'get to the point' with a strong undercurrent of irritation at the obvious disdain for his name mixed with simple distrust.
The being's smile is oily. "I'm to deliver an invitation." The grin widens and I dislike the being even more, watching as Shuuichi calmly accepts the proffered cream envelope with his polite casualness. "And wait for your response."
I don't know why Shuuichi catches my eyes with his before opening the envelope but it stuns me with how much I see there. Not only intelligence, but a flash as if many emotions were flaring at once but only permitted to be seen in that second. I remain silent as those eyes calm collectedly scanning the invitation inside. "It would seem I cannot refuse." He says with quiet dignity and I wonder why I feel anger bordering on rage is being contained. Something seems familiar about the envelope and formal card inside but I can't quite place it. The waiting being flashes his teeth with his grin and now I'm angry. What was IN that invitation? It can't be good… Green eyes on mine distract me with their soft searching as if seeing something beneath the surface. "Will you join me?"
Blink. Blink. "But we just met." My protests are weak, I know. As if I could resist him anything –especially with those eyes looking at me like that. Certainly not when they flickered with a smile. Certainly not beneath red hair. I was doomed. And as if that was not enough… I could see the messenger frowning at Shuuichi's request. I would concede just to piss that being off Alone, much less with someone like Shuuichi so politely asking and so clearly wanting me along –for whatever reason. That gentle smile as he shrugged signifying he realized the obvious when he asked was oddly touching –and also hard as anything to refuse. "I'm out of shape." Another shrug and a sparkle of humor in those green eyes. Why does it seem he doesn't believe me? It's pretty obvious. "I'm no good at fights." A red brow arches in curious amusement and I get the distinct impression he's silently asking me how I know there might be any fighting in fights. My expression seems to tell him that I've no idea how I know –I know I'm surprised about it myself.
"I'm sure you'll be fine." Darn that voice of his. How could he be so undeniably certain? I sigh heavily.
"My son…" My eyes and voice soften to whisper. I see a flash of sympathy, sadness and… apology? in his eyes. Why would he have anything over which to apologize?
"Ask your father to watch him." He says it so sweet and understanding it pains me. My head bows and I give in. He gently takes my hand and I lift my gaze to have my eyes widen in surprise to watch him lightly place a kiss on the back of it. Dear God, what's with that little sliver of a smile of his? Does he want me to forget to breathe? Darn him. What is with this anyway? I can't help but watch him as he turns with a rather mischievous hint of a grin upon the waiting being (who I still don't trust and don't like) to give his reply. "It would seem I will be accepting the invitation."
The being's delight at presenting the invitation has long since turned to grousing. Huffing and frowning he shoves a bag of printed throwing balls the equivalent size of golf balls or hacky-sacks into Shuuichi's hand. "No other weapons."
Grr… why is this seeming so familiar? Fewmets… I wish I could remember. It's frustrating me. Shuuichi gently pats my hand to soothe me as if he can pick up on my frustration. Somehow… it figures. I huff in exasperation as the being dashes off and look incredulously at the three Spiderman printed balls Shuuichi has pulled from the bag to hand to me then vehemently shake my head. "I won't be able to throw those to save my life, Shuuichi-san." I ignore the brow arched in mild disbelief at me and continue as we slip inside the house proper, Shuuichi politely holding the door open for me to pass. "My throwing arm is deplorable." Although still disbelieving me on some account which I can guess is not my throwing arm he lets this protest of mine slide without argument. "Let me talk to my dad and grab some things and I'll meet you outside the door." I plead.
He gives me an amused look. "No weapons?" …is he waggling his eyebrows at me? I crinkle my nose playfully at what strikes me subconsciously as teasing and pick up a flat paperback from a table nearby, holding it before him.
"A book's not a weapon, is it?" I counter, watching his waiting expression. It's a good thing he'd never go for someone like me or I'd really be in trouble. Already he's too much fun to be around. Huffing I take the book and smack the back down on a millipede darting from the corner, squishing it. My eyes meet his, all twinkling. "I'm sure I'll be permitted a book, and maybe a few other things." Whatever lures me to wink I'm sure I'll never know. He nods with amusement twinkling in his intelligent green eyes and I dart off –faster than I would expect possible of me. "I'll meet you there soon!"
I feel the burn as I push muscles I've been neglecting for years into a harsh run as I dash to the rooms where my family is staying. It's darker here with the heavy green drapes partitioning rooms than in the dorm-like setup where Shuuichi and the boys were staying. My burning legs fly me through the partitions. From my room I grab my wolf lighter, a small, red-bound book I haven't read yet that fits in the back pocket of my khaki shorts as well as my leather-covered plastic wineskin from Renaissance Festival before digging through a drawer for a specific but rarely used keychain. Snatching that and a ten I race to my brother's room. He's out around the 'house' so it's easy to grab his 'zip-pull' keychain from his dresser. I remove the keys and put them on top of the ten and a hastily scrawled note apologizing for my haste and hoping that's enough to buy a new one. I certainly don't have time for shopping right now. Why I know that the invitation is a.s.a.p. I've not paused to think about but I know. I speed to where I left Theron and my father playing, apprehension rising. What should I tell him about when I will return? Anxiety rises when I realize where I'm going there is no guarantee that I will return. "Papa? Will you be okay with Theron today? One of the guys needs my help with something." 'Why I've no idea…'
I could sense his displeasure… and then something like surprise when dark eyes behind glasses fell upon me. What…? Had I changed? Was I wearing something weird? No… simple white button up 'camp' shirt and khaki shorts with white socks, slip-on Sketcher sneakers and a pair of my usual fingerless gloves. Maybe I should switch to boots… naw. I didn't have time to find them, not remembering where I had them last. I don't think I even brought them with me. He nodded, still seeming confused but ignoring it. "Sure."
"Thanks Papa!" I hug him and Theron, surprising him. My five year old squirms a little at the fierceness of my hug but for once in his current stage of rubbing off kisses doesn't rub the one I give him now from his cheek. Instead his intensely dark eyes look at me too knowledgeably and once I've released him he grabs a pouch from the counter then hands it to me with an impish grin. I blink and look inside, seeing bags of granola that my mother buys at the farmers' market back home and give him a big grin and another hug. "Thanks, my lil'man. Be good for your Ompa, Okies?" He says okay, I kiss his head and race off.
How I know the direction is another thing I don't stop to think about. Not until I'm nearly there and I see my mom, my brother and his wife inside the large waiting area standing outside the first door and panic. Only now did I realize Shuuichi had not made any comment to how I could know where to go without being told or reading the invitation. "What are you doing here?" I ask, legs burning but somehow not out of breath though in the back of my mind I know I should be. Too much is going on for such thoughts and I'm trying to keep the panic from my voice as I look at my family.
"Going to the beach." My brother responds without looking up from the clipboard on which he is filling out a form. Now I look around at my surroundings to take in the 'front' of the place where we are. Some kind of one day 'magical' vacation supplier as there are murals of clandestine vacation destinations blended across the walls. "Why are you here?"
I could curse the heat that warms my face at just thinking of Shuuichi. Darn my lifelong fascination with redheads. It doesn't help either that my late husband used to tease me about how I should "find my redhead" after he was gone. "I'm meeting one of the guys staying where we are here to help him with something."
Mom gives me a knowing glance that teases 'redhead?' which I can't deny and makes her snicker. I give her my equally teasing 'I hate you' look … which only nearly sends her into gales of laughter. Worried I give them all hugs then let them know that dad is watching Theron for me to which they nod. Mom's eyebrows are slightly arched in question to seeing my wineskin and the pouch slung over my neck and shoulder. I give her a sheepish smile and shrug, imploring to let me explain later. Something I severely hope I'll be able to do. Glancing at my younger brother and his wife she lets it slide.
Suddenly I'm there in a white bikini unlike any I've ever purchased and certainly don't have the likes of now, on the edge of an all new panic-attack. Where are my things? For that matter where the hell is Shuuichi? He should have arrived before me if he headed straight here which I suspected he did. Eyes wide and darting around for my missing clothes and things I don't fully take in the surprise in my family's expressions. At least not enough to think what surprised them is anything other than that we're all suddenly dressed for the beach. The sight of my often lately stick-in-the-mud brother in swim-trunks for the first time in years made me laugh and broke my stressing out momentarily. He chuckled a little, looking embarrassed. I was thinking at least the trunks were black on black or he would feel really out of his comfort zone. "Guess there is something to the magic they claim." He conceded with some awkwardness. Clearly he had not believed the advertisements, but having one's clothing changed with nothing more than consent on paper apparently confirmed it for him. It did for me. Not that I needed it, beyond being surprised that there was an agency using magic so openly. My unwanted but hard to ditch doubts on magic were floundering today quickly since waking one gorgeous redhead called Shuuichi Minamino. Behind his glasses my brother's eyes sought mine. "You must have been caught up in our package, being in the same room as us."
"You think?" My voice lifted and rose a little, a tinge of reforming worry and panic giving it more of a sharp edge to my words than I would have liked. His uncaring nod as he scanned the papers before him was starting to spark my ire. I didn't have time for this! All that running around … WASTED! And there was no way I could possibly meet Shuuichi in this bikini! I'd die of embarrassment! Then I'd be of NO use to him, more than I suspected I'd be as it was!
Besides… I hated flip-flops. Darn, stupid emotional tears making it hard to look around for my missing things.
"Here it is: 'All personal clothing and belongings switched at the completion of your paperwork will be in lockers to the right upon your exit of the facilities should you have need of them before your 24 hours are finished when they will be returned to you automatically. Clothing and small items given for your day vacation are yours to keep as part of your package but large items like snowboards must remain…' yeah yeah… goes on to direct to a list which we can read later." His eyes lifted to mine and pointed to the lockers which were painted to be part of the wall mural to the left of the main doors we entered to get to this room and I breathed a sigh of relief scampering over to the lockers and opening the one with my name –not registering it saying Trelweny instead of my given name might be odd. I was busy breathing another sigh of relief as I pulled my clothes on over my far-too-scantily-dressed-for-my-taste self. Glancing at my undergarments I gave a different sigh, deciding I had spent too long already to take the time now to undress and completely change back. I shoved them in a pocket of the backpack conveniently inside the locker (now why hadn't I thought of a backpack? Oh yeah… I had not brought one from home) before folding the fluffy towel draped over my arm into the main compartment along with my purse (which I'd been carrying when talking with Shuichi earlier). As a last minute thought I tossed the accursed flip-flops in as well. Might as well. Not like they weighed anything. I could always pitch them later.
"Thanks." I flash my brother a smile. It's weak, but well meant. I'm just worried where Shuuichi could be. Apparently I'm also speaking my thoughts aloud.
"Full, red hair with an invitation?" Franz asked, accepting my nod as answer without question. "He was already directed to the right-hand door." His head nod indicated the further of two doors faced once walking in. I realized my family was waiting near the left door and breathed a sigh of relief internally. They wouldn't be going where Shuuichi and I were. Good. But… why did he go ahead without me? Franz seemed to have something to answer that as well. "He didn't seem happy when he was told his companion would be sent afterward." My brother frowned, the plastic near his eyebrow from a childhood surgery not moving with the expression. It nearly made me laugh, like always, if I was not so worried about the redhead. My brother's next words did nothing to calm my fretting. "Didn't show it, but he wasn't happy about it. Like he didn't trust them or something despite his polite manner." My eyes snapped to Mom and her expression confirmed it. Whoever invited Shuuichi really did not want me with him. As much as that did not make sense I knew that if he wanted me there I HAD to get to him. But how?
"Weirder was how the guy up and left just after the redhead went through." My sister-in-law added with a exasperated huff showing her disappointment in the other man's behavior.
Quickly I give my family tight hugs. "I should hurry." It's really hard to keep the anxiety out of my voice. I don't believe my fluttering thoughts that he actually IS the character of same name and appearance. It's impossible. …Right? Right. "Have a great vacation, 'kay?"
"Go get'em, Jess." Okay… that's weird. I can tell the connotation and it makes no sense. As if I'd be worthy of a guy like Shuuichi, even if he did likely fill everything I'd look for in a guy. Not like he'd be interested in me anyway. I shove such thoughts aside forcefully. Amid their parting words I hurry with my things to the far door before fear and doubt can make me back out. I just can't leave him to that alone. I just can't. Truthfully though… I'm terrified on so many levels.
The door shuts behind me, leaving me stranded in what looks like a warehouse. Though I can't remember why I know that it's not likely to stay that way. Nothing remains as it seems here. I have flashes of remembered magma… why is that? I put my hands to my head, trying to remember. It's no use. I start trekking across the concrete, not surprised when it shifts to some mix of warehouse and construction site.
After a half hour I come across another group who seems surprised. "How is it changing?" One older man exclaims. I can feel his panic. It's almost familiar.
"Expect nothing to be as it seems here. I remember magma when I was here with Oliver." Oh! That was it! I came with Oliver back when I was at Miami Oxford. But why had I forgotten? Had he? I don't remember my former co-worker and gamer ever having mentioned it again. This was so confusing and frustrating.
"This isn't the vacation we signed up for…" Blink.
"You didn't go through the LEFT door?" I ask, appalled. 'oh please, oh please say no.'
It's now his turn to blink, the rest of the group gathering around. I breathe a huge sigh. "You guys went through the wrong door." I explain with a mostly false cheerful smile. Since they weren't supposed to be here maybe they could go back? God I hoped so. "Try to go back where it's only warehouse and hopefully find the door you came in. Then take the door nearest the mural wall, where the lockers are. THAT will lead to your vacation."
They thanked me, hope and relief in their voices. Then the one I'd started talking to first looked thoughtful. Inwardly I blanched, guessing what was to come. "If the other door's for vacations, where is here and why are you here?"
Fewmets. That's exactly what I'd feared was coming. I give a silly grin. "I can't give you a good answer, but know you really shouldn't go further. Someone's sure to get you out if you're near the door when they realize you went through the wrong one." 'I hope.' "As for me… I'm meeting a friend here. I'd better find him. Take care, and good luck!" I wave and jog off, not giving them any more room for questions. The more they knew… the more likely they wouldn't be allowed out. They were far too normal to stay here. Lose their minds if they survived at all.
Now… how was I to find a certain way-too-attractive redhead who I was more and more suspecting was more than he seemed. Shimmying down a dark passage from I-beam to I-beam I paused catching my breath. For a moment I could see the three red and blue balls we were given be thrown at something which I could not sense at all. It was as if it only existed visibly. Even that was not very long as the strikes hitting it sent it back through something I could not see in the dark beneath a farther beam. Moments later I calmed, able to register that the hands which I had seen throw the balls were not my hands. 'Area imprinting? Did he pass through here then? And have to Fight something? Why… why am I seeing it, and why from his perspective?'
Subconsciously I started calling his name in my thoughts. *Shuuichi-san… Minamino Shuuichi…* To my utter surprise I felt something touch my called thoughts nebulously. The metal beams were getting more obscure. I could not sense who I was looking for nearby at all. Was I reaching him? It felt like his cool, collectiveness somehow… but why if I was reaching him was he not responding to his name? *Shuuichi-san? Shuuichi?… Minamino-san? Minamino Shuuichi…* A thought came to my head, remembering the soft silvery-white fox ears, and I shook my head. No… that was an anime. It couldn't be… My thoughts stilled amidst the storm and I paused on an iron beam while leaning my head against the cool metal of another one that was upright. It couldn't be… but there was no harm trying. I was thinking I could communicate telepathically after all! Might as well throw out all my marbles while I was at it. *Kurama-san…?*
The answer was almost immediate. I could mentally see green eyes flecked with gold blink as a distinctively male but beautiful presence replied. *Yes?*
It sounded just like him. Though questioning I could feel that it was not that I had reached him but in the how. Like he was not expecting telepathy from me, or at least… not yet? The notion drew my thoughts up short for a brief moment. Maybe I could get him to explain later. AFTER I found him. He could explain then why he responded to Kurama but not Shuuichi too. *Kurama, where are you? My brother told me you'd entered already.*
His casual thought of *Brother? The one with auburn hair longer than mine with the woman that looked like an older version of the girl that woke me?* filtered to me unintentionally making me nearly laugh. Why should it figure Franz's long, wavy auburn hair was what someone with such a fine head of red hair as Minamino Shuuichi would notice? That he called me a girl left a strange, odd but warm feeling within me I couldn't place. *I'm in a woods, of sorts, more like a jungle really though I don't know how that could possibly help.* The relief at realizing I had reached him faltered in his thoughts that in this place it hardly mattered now that they had succeeded in separating us, that the advantage he had pertained by inviting me along now set me in danger alone. His background thoughts and emotions confused me, but more I wanted to comfort him. Priority however was getting to him.
*Let me deal with that* I could feel him lighten as my mental laughter bridged whatever distance was between us. *Picture where you are for me. Sights, scents, sounds. The whole she-bang.* I was nervous but covered it with a giggle at my wording. Though I could tell his logical mind was still uncertain I could feel the faith and trust he had in me. It floored me. My own doubts became like fading mists for that moment as the senses in my mind were filled with the crisp visualization Kurama sent to me. Everything was clearer and crisper than anything I could have experienced myself. 'Maybe… well it would make sense if he was… for his senses to be better than mine…' I let the thought drift off and focused upon the scene, adding the graceful redhead where the gap in sensory information indicated he stood and closed my eyes. *Incoming…* my warning was sent as I visualized and 'wished' myself beside him.
His surprise and worry as he realized this was my first time attempting such a feat overwhelmed me with its intensity as my teleportation went into effect, both in its force and that someone with such calm poise emitted it. I landed with a thud and an 'umph!' on my bottom, falling backward to hit my head and shoulder upon a strong leg behind me. Rolling my head sideways to look up his trim form to his face I tried not to think about the hard softness of the muscled leg to my cheek. Except for his bright green eyes none of the shocked call of emotion that had reached out to me only moments before could be seen in his calm expression and stance. But those eyes… fear, relief… tenderness? Like I needed an excuse to be lost in those eyes. "um… hi?"
I could feel the light shake of his body as he chuckled in relief, shaking his head without losing his eyes' hold on mine. "Are you okay? Why did you try something you've never done before like that?" Admonishing but grateful and happy in his show of calmness. I gave him a sheepish grin, feeling oddly like a child though by years I was two older than him if the room chart was accurate.
"Well if the telepathy I've always thought I had and wanted worked why not the teleportation?" He was still shaking his head, looking down at my grinning face with a touch of smile on his own. "Besides… I could hardly disappoint you…" I broke eye contact then, feeling my face heat quickly. It was as close as I would come in that moment to explaining how much the faith in me that I felt from him had meant to me. At least verbally.
Though he did not say anything he seemed to understand, letting it be at that. Like the gentleman he was Kurama held his hand down to help me up. I could see it beside my face and it made me smile. It was easy to slip my hand into his. It felt good. Tough and strong and yet somehow smooth. Nothing like my late husband's hand or any other guy's hand I've held before. I didn't even remember rising to my feet, only feeling a loss as I slipped my hand back from his. "Thanks."
I could feel the movement of his breath in my ear as he murmured a polite "You're welcome."
Darn shivers.
Readjusting my pack I looked around the clearing. It was certainly less vivid than the images he had sent me. That could only mean better senses. Either that… or my own were worse than I thought. Great… another thing to add to the joy of… nope. Enough of that. No time for self-demoralization or getting depressed here. "So…" I drew out slowly, trying to hide my nervousness. "Have any idea where to go?"
"Not particularly." His voice was unreadable, like he was trying not to show his emotions more than normal. And it still did weird things to me inside. Figures. The one guy I meet and start to like whom I actually feel could be worthy, who's able to ignite feelings within me, and there's no way I could deserve him. Certainly not as I am now. Maybe if I hadn't let myself go to waste… and even then it was doubtful. Darn me and my high standards.
"Then I guess random direction it is." Starting to walk away I was washed in a feeling of disappointment and sorrow that didn't feel like my own and turned to see that sorrow saddening bright green eyes. What…? Why… why was he looking at me like that? "S-Shuuichi-san?"
There was a pause and I could almost think he sighed. Maybe he did, and I just didn't trust my own perceptions. I did that a lot. "I liked it better when you called me Kurama…" What? Sadness in his voice? It dropped softer. "You didn't use the honorifics then either. Which I don't understand from you at all, by the way."
Blink. Okay… wasn't expecting something like muttering to himself to come from someone as collected as he was, but I was certain that's what the last bit was. Sheer thought-to-mouth drabble. Not only that but… it was causing me to feel terrible. And embarrassed. So of course my face was spreading with tell-tale heat. "Way too much anime." I explained hurriedly with an even hotter blush, unable to look into his eyes. Not surprising really. Even with my friends I had a hard time looking people in the eyes since Tracy died. Yes, my psychology-schooled mind had many ideas on the why of that –none of which I was going into at the moment. "And… I, um, didn't know you'd want to be called that." I shrugged my shoulders, barely able to see him out of the corner of my eye. All I would allow myself and yet unable to not see him at all. Please, please say I wasn't crushing already. Probably too late… been trying for a while not to see that the character had the traits my late-husband and I used to "joke" I should find in a guy after him and now invisible arrows are all pointing to indicate he's here. Great. Just great. Drawing in some courage pulled from knowing I simply must look at him not to be rude or mean and in my heart not wishing to be either of those to him I finally lifted my gaze and turned my head to give the redhead a sheepish, shy smile. The calm look of mixed sadness and contemplation on his face caused an ache in my chest with guilt. I just knew I'd somehow hurt him and it tore painfully at me. "It was a fluke I called you that. You weren't answering to the name you gave me…"
I bit at the corner of my lip. Mom would scold me. Again. She always did when I bit my lip. But I couldn't help it. I didn't know what else to say. Ask why he answered to Kurama, but not Shuuichi? Or maybe about those ears I was (certainly) imagining above his head. Those and my other thoughts were making me incredibly uncomfortable, added to the fact that for perhaps the second time since my late husband passed on I was actually really, truly attracted to a male.
As if sensing my discomfort he gave me a gentle smile. "That clears things up some." It did? I knew I was blinking but nothing sensible was about to come out of my mouth so I just waited, trying not to lose myself on the waves of his soft chuckle. No way was he half as nervous as I felt. "It would please me if you continued to call me Kurama."
"O-kaaay…" The word was pulled slowly from my lips as I was still more than a little brain-frozen and shocked by … well everything. Still somehow I broke from it and laughed, the noise feeling silly in my own ears but Kurama seemed to like it, and apparently he was dropping the previous subject for now after that –which was fine by me. Perhaps he was figuring things out better but I was having trouble making heads or tails about any of it. My own odd knowledge of things I couldn't remember pretty high on the list. Right up there with the redhead closing the gap between us not possibly being the same as an anime character despite appearances and being both Shuuichi and Kurama.
I swear my brain was melting.
But… though he was showing calm and some brightening at my agreement I could still feel his disappointment in the uncertainty of my voice. Instinctively my smile brightened for him. How could I possibly not want to cheer him up if it was within my power. "Kurama."
The change in him was palpable, but only visible in the slight brightening of his eyes and the lightest curve of his smile. The whole thing was enough to warm me, keeping me from flinching at having said his name quite that way. I knew it sounded tender and sweet –I had heard it in my own ears. It wasn't something I'd been able to stop though, once I'd decided I wanted him to be happy. It just happened. At least… at least my feelings coming out in my voice wasn't getting negative reactions. In fact… I blushed, looking back away… his smile was more like a positive reaction.
Softly I vocalized as we walked. I knew the tune of course. I usually did. Just sometimes I didn't realize I was singing without someone making a comment. This time I did, consciously keeping it pianissimo as I let the tune relax me. This one always did, as long as I kept to the vocalizations only. Sometimes I thought too much when it came to the words.
Therefore it came as a surprise when my companion's gentle voice broke the 'silence' with a question. "What are you singing?"
Of course I stopped at that, all motion but the turning of my face to his stilled. His head was tilted ever-so-slightly towards his right shoulder as he looked past his left at me. His face portrayed an expression I never would have thought to see: engrossed and with youthful curiosity. I shifted, not certain what to do about this sudden feeling the intensity of his gaze evoked in me. "Um… I'm not sure." Awkward. Once again I've caught the inside of my lip between my teeth. Having lowered my eyes in embarrassment I raise them to see his face. His brows are arched as if asking how that can be while waiting for me to elaborate. I shrug and give him a small grin, feeling terrible about the way it quivers on my lips. "Sometimes I sing without realizing it. Often something going through my head."
He doesn't make fun of me. I blink in surprise seeing him watching me thoughtfully. Still the teases touched with distaste of which I am accustomed from my family do not come. "What song was in your head then?"
I'm stunned beyond thinking for a long moment, just staring at his face. With a blink and a shake I collect myself before I can think about what he asked of me. It's not too hard. "Most prominent was 'Dreams on Fire' from Slumdog Millionaire."
He's not stopped looking at me in that overpowering way. Like I am the center of his thoughts. "Does it have words?"
I'm nodding before even answering. "Yes. I only know the English translation though, not the Indian."
He nods acceptingly. I can see in his eyes another query and find myself wondering what he might want to ask. "Would you sing it for me? With words?"
I can feel the heat spread like wildfire over my cheeks. Would it give too much of my thoughts away? Though the green territory through which we traveled had been in my thoughts the majority had revolved around my companion. Ah… what was more embarrassment. I couldn't deny such a fetching entreaty. Blushing I nodded. "Okay."
Taking a breath I filled my diaphragm, shoulders never lifting as I'd been taught. Softly I exhaled the opening vocalizations then waited the counts usually filled with background music before coming in with the words.
"You are my waking dream. You are what's real to me. You are the magic in the world I see." Walking slower than before I glanced at Shuuichi –I mean Kurama- feeling him right beside me. He was watching me, more than our path and drawn a bit out of the thrall of the song in my soul I wondered… could he see I was thinking of him? Even now while I sang I knew it was him. "You are the prayer I sing. You bring me to my knees. You are the faith that made me believe."
"Dreams on Fire. Higher and higher. Passions Burning, right on the pyre. Once more, forever more. Give me all your love. Dreams on fire. Higher and higher."
"You are the ocean waves. You are my song each day." He was, oh High Ones, he was. "You are the laughter from childhood days. You are the spark of dawn. You are where I belong." Long fingers entwined with mine. It wasn't appropriate for his culture; it wasn't appropriate for my culture. Yet… I wanted it and clenched tightly to the hand wrapped in mine. "You are the ache I feel in every song." This new yearning would flavor everything from now on, I could tell.
"Dreams on Fire. Higher and higher. Passions Burning, right on the pyre. Once more, forever more. Give me all your love. Dreams on fire. Higher and higher."
"That was beautiful." He murmurs, honest appreciation sparkling in his eyes. My heart soars. Pain caused by my family's hurtful words at my singing soothed by his. I only hope the balm can last for I know I don't take criticism well.
"Thank you." I return softly, blushing hotly.
His fingers squeeze mine and I wonder that our hands are still joined. "Keep singing?" He requests quietly.
Isn't he perceptive enough to see that I can't deny him? Without words I nod, starting the song over.
Eventually singing and listening gave way to quiet conversation. Although we were both edgy about potential dangers like attacks talk revolved around the closer topics of ourselves. He confessed that most of the legitimate fiction concerning him was close enough to the truth and allowed me to "see" the differences through my ability to meet minds and I told him of my own shorter years, relaying my worries on not being the mother I had thought I would be. This leads to contemplation over why one with the ability to control plants would be permitted in a place so ripe with plant life. Kurama informs me that until I joined him the local plants were immune to his skills. It was heady and thought-provoking without any clear theories other than perhaps to give vague explanation as to why the invitation's messenger was so disgruntled at my inclusion. We return to companionable silence, before once more I'm lightly singing. This time, however, there is fresh lightness within me.
There was no shifting of day in this place. While it might look like we were outside we knew the truth. Relatively. Still, bodies can only take so much and we started to look for a place to camp for the night.
We found a site near a clear brook. I am unnerved and embarrassed to show myself in my new swimwear but his gentle entreaty paired with a need to cool and cleanse overcome my insecurities. It must be my imagination that I look and feel closer to my dream/ideal self.
For dinner we nibbled the granola my son sent supplement with fruit Kurama foraged from the now more amiable flora. Cleaned, belly filled, I shivered slightly in the beginnings of drowsiness.
"Here." He shrugged out of his jacket and helped me into it backwards. A soft, sly little smile with a matching twinkle in his eyes was the only answer he gave my perplexed look. Putting a hand at my waist Kurama directed my back to his chest before laying us down side by side on a flora covered mound. I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent as he curled around me. His breath felt delicious and perfect where it fanned over my neck. "Take your hair down?" I could hear the growing drowsiness in his low voice along with the softness of a near plea in the request. Curiously I turned my head and blinked at him.
"Won't you choke?"
He was so close I could feel the soft smile turning the edges of his mouth as it brushed my skin when he shook his head. Something amused him. "Little Phoenix," he teased lightly as the fingers of his left hand which had slipped under my shirt as his arm encircled me ghosted across the ink edging my right hip. "Have you forgotten my beginnings? My first years were of fur in my nose –your hair is much finer."
I blushed. "It'll take me longer to get ready when we get up if I do…" Why did I say such asinine things?
He chuckled, lips grazing my skin without kissing. My eyes fluttered closed from the weight of unexpected emotions in his green eyes paired with the indescribable sensation of his warm breath over my neck. "It'd be worth it…"
Those breathed words undid me and in moments I was slowly pulling the four large bobby pins out of my braided bun and slipping them into the outer pocket of the backpack near our sides. Kurama gently pulled that braid out of the way, making it easier for me to untie then unbraid the half ponytail that had hung beneath the bun. His fingers mixed with mine in the last unweaving, taking with them the elastic band then guiding it around one of my wrists. Nuzzling into my neck surrounded by braid-created-waves I felt his happy sigh stir my hairs. Apparently leaving the top braid was okay.
I couldn't help but sigh as he nuzzled into my neck and cheek amid waves of my braid-crimped hair with an animalistic chur of contentment. My hair is more honey-toned then I'm used to seeing lately, but as it's closer to how I typically view myself nothing registers strange. Having warmth of male happily surrounding me certainly helps as well. "Much better…" Kurama murmured drowsily, arms and legs tightening comfortably around me and holding me close.
Eyes drooping, feeling utterly secure and at peace, I had to agree.
Waking up alone I blinked, needing to take a moment to adjust to my new surroundings. Sometime in the night the braid in which I had plaited my hair had come undone. I was on my sister-in-law's couch, wrapped in a blue Snugglie. Their Christmas tree blinked at me across the room. It was Christmas morning. I felt rested and relaxed for the first time in years –and for the first time in years I did not fear the thought of going back to sleep that night. I could remember. I hadn't had a nightmare… I had caught a glimpse of paradise and I couldn't be happier other than to have him in the waking world.
Joy and peace fill and lift me beyond anything I've ever known, eclipsing even when I was carried after my husband passed. Pulling my laptop to me I open a new file and start to type, feeling at ease for the first time in at least five years. Even if it's only a dream… to have just once experienced such bliss, such a feeling of being right where I belonged I could not help but be grateful. I thanked God for the greatest Christmas Gift since his Son as my dream flowed from my fingers. Joy. Peace. Bliss. Hope.
Weeks passed, perhaps months. I've never been very good with registering the passage of time. But now I was getting rested, sleeping regularly. Not afraid to actually sleep upon going to bed and for the first time in a long, long time actually looking forward to it. My self away from him was slowly showing signs of becoming closer to the ideal me to which I had shifted with him our first day together as I had motivation to exercise. It was a good thing.
Each night I woke in his arms. After the first we discussed how we were dream sharing to an extent, and in an odd way. We theorized over how our adventure was distinctly different from the repressed one which I had undertaken with Oliver years ago. The repercussions of the tail I gained in that venture becoming a cyst once it was completed and the memory compromised. We spoke at length the effects of my involvement in his invitation, and how the attacks since we overcame their attempted separation had been fewer, far between, and inexplicably wary on their part. Kurama teased me, saying they were frightened of his little phoenix.
Little Phoenix. My heart still fluttered at the nickname that had stuck. I didn't want anyone else to call me it though, only him.
Beyond our little adventure or ourselves we spoke most often on how to meet outside of our current arrangement. Or rather… we tried to. Places could not be named and we soon discovered even hints of our waking selves' locations would be blurred to memory upon waking apart. I grew progressively emotional, and even his soft whispers of how he would find me and it would be all right developed an edge of desperation beyond Kurama's ability to hide.
Even so it was hardly a damper in our bliss of shared company.
"You've been happier lately." My mother notes with a smile. I blush and grin before humming an accent. She seems pleased. "What is it?"
I falter. Dare I tell her? Slowly I gulp, looking at her as I contemplate. She's the one who has always encouraged me to believe… the one who inspired and fed my love of magic, imagination, and the impossible. But at the same time I fear sharing might be like the telling of a wish: that if others knew it wouldn't come true. Did I dare?
She pushes and cajoles; reminds me that I can always talk to her about everything and she'll support me.
At long last I tell her. Just the bare bones of it. I don't give his name, somehow not wanting to break the thrall of it until being able to introduce him in the flesh in our waking world. I know I tell her how even the dreams are enough to fill me with a joy I've never known and how I hope to find him in this: the waking world. Perhaps basking in that joy blinded me to the signs of the growing discomfort in the atmosphere. I wasn't prepared for the negative reaction. I wasn't prepared for her disbelief and belittling.
I wasn't expecting her to play the "that's not reality" card.
I wasn't prepared for the "that's impossible" call.
I can't imagine the look that seeped onto my face at her words. Was it blank? Was it hurt? All I know is I could feel the muscles once warm with my smile grow lax. Just as I felt the once bright sense of joy drain from my being as if leeched by magical blight. Light, faith, TRUST shattered and splintered within me, their shards cutting before disbursing. Of all things… trust can be the most painful to lose. Although I physically did not move it was as if my soul slid down into a dark passage. No light, no joy, nowhere to go… I sank into a ball upon the unfeeling floor of my own personal oubliette. I could feel myself dying inside and I should have worried how I did not care.
But like Pandora's box even in dark seclusion as my walls closed around me I curled around the tiniest pulse of hope. I had to believe. I HAD to. If I didn't believe…if I didn't keep Hope… I would rather be dead.
It should have frightened me how easily thoughts of that possibility flooded me.
And that night I couldn't (or wouldn't) get back and it felt like my soul shattered.
Left a prisoner… forever seeking the bliss once experienced, everything else piercing like thorns.
*Find me, find me –I'll wait for you. Get here. Make it soon. I see you in everyone.*
Originally posted 6 August 2012
Edit: 24 September 2012: Missing quotation mark.
Edit: 31 October 2012: missing space between words. Happy Samhain.