Disclaimer: This does not belong to me, but the illustrious Eoin Colfer.


The Last Will and Testament of Artemis Fowl the Second, being the final wishes of Artemis Fowl in the event of his death at the hands of the pixie, Opal Koboi. Should he survive for forty-eight hours after the date of writing, this Will becomes null and void and shall have no legal weight in court, human or fairy.

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I, Artemis Fowl the Second, being of exceedingly sound mind and reasonably sound body bequeath my estate and advice as follows.

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To my father I leave the three hundred million dollars in bearer bonds that are hidden, believe it or not, under my own bed; the last spot anyone would look, and possibly the most booby-trapped on Earth. Butler will know how to disengage the security measures.

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To my darling mother I leave my stocks portfolio including my shares in ethical funds and registered charities, which I know she will manage with her usual moral determination, and I also bequeath to her the department store on New York's Fifth Avenue, which I had planned to give to her on her birthday.

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I wish my brother Myles to inherit my laboratory and all its equipment, with access to the Special Projects room to be granted on his eighth birthday, when he will be mature enough to deal with other dimensions, aliens, and time travel.

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For my brother Beckett, I have purchased a lifetime's supply of slime so he can coat himself in gunge as often as he pleases. I also wish Beckett to have the ant farm, provided he promises not to eat any of the ants.

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My faithful bodyguard Butler is, of course, entitled to his generous Severance Package and is under no obligation to stay on, but it would be greatly appreciated if he renewed his contract and remained in the employ of the Fowl family. Apart from his pension, I wish Butler to become legal owner of the apartments in which he has lived since I was born and of the dojo where he tried to teach me to fight.

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To Juliet Butler, who has protected my brothers so faithfully, I leave my sound system which is based on gel-speaker technology and which should make even her collection of modern music sound reasonably non-offensive. I also leave to Juliet the three sports cars and a lifetime subscription of the Wrestling Channel.

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To my friend Captain Holly Short of the Lower Elements Police, I leave the thirty-seven solid gold bars that were the price of her release when I kidnapped her all those years ago.

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I know that I can never make up for that crime, but hopefully, you can think of me as a friend, when you do think of me.

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To the dwarf Mulch Diggums, I leave the refrigerated warehouse in London Docklands that is stocked with enough frozen chicken to satisfy even his appetite for several decades.

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To the centaur Foaly, I leave the blueprints to an interstellar craft that is so advanced it makes his spacecraft look like hot air balloons. I have hidden the designs inside his own system where he would never think to look for them. To find them, Foaly must open his own security file on me, blink eight times, and say the words 'Artemis Fowl is smarter than I am'.

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If this does not work, then at least I will smile in the afterlife.


Well there you have it. I could not stand the format of the few wills I'd seen before, and though some may find my own way of presenting this offensive, I must say that it is a right sight better than those cramped words I'd seen in the aforementioned wills. Artemis Fowl, may his retired body find peace and his new one find happiness, deserves our respect.

I feel that I must clarify, as a lot of people seem to be misunderstanding this: this is NOT my original work! Like [most/all] the other AF wills out that that are now popping up, this is what I decoded from the Gnommish found on the bottom of the pages. I merely made it look nicer than the other authors were. Again, Eoin Colfer wrote this, not me!