Hey! So sorry for my late updates. I don't even know why I bother writing this apology at the beginning even more… you guys probably just expect an update a month or more apart from the last.
Marked Skin
Once I was up and walking, I immediately took notice of the pounding wind. Our time in the frozen forest of Bastogne up until now was just a still, bone piercing cold. A harsh wind brought ice crystals to my tender face. It ate through both pairs of socks I was wearing, and the heavy wool of the overcoat the Army had finally shipped to us. Walking to a man I was determined to apologize to, I wasn't sure if my severe goose bumps were from nerves or the arctic cold.
Head down, I looked up through my ice laced eyelashes to try and spot any foxhole to find my bearings. A painful twinge of being lost shot through my senses, but I quickly shivered it off. The shards of winter glass whipped around the laces of my cork boots, as I interrupted them from skidding across the frozen surface.
Despite my great attempt to quicken my pace, the knee deep drifts kept my speed at a miserable plod. I tried to keep my weight on my top half, making my steps light in attempt to not fall through the thick and sharp outer crust of the snow packed forest floor.
"Dammit," I grumbled, falling through a particularly deep drift. The shards of wind packed snow bit through my thin trousers and cut into my skin. I felt the familiar sting of blood trying to make its way out into the cold.
The sun was protected heavily by the guards that were dark but fast moving clouds. The sun reflected lightly against the snow, offering me some light to continue on. Eugene had begged me to stay, warning it was dangerous to go out in this weather. The Germans apparently didn't feel like fighting us on this god-awful day, staying tucked away in their foxholes much like us. Of course I was the idiot of the company that decided to go out to apologize to the love of their life. Eugene, Spina and I had stayed in our respective places for the day, only getting up in intervals to keep trench foot at bay. During my bouts of pacing to keep blood flowing, I rehearsed over and over what I would say to Denver so he would forgive me for how I had been acting.
"I swear I smell a fire," I mumbled through chattering teeth and layers of wool over my mouth, moist and warm with my condensation. No, I thought to myself, I was only desperately wishing I was near enough to smell a fire. "I've been walking too long… I should be past the Kraut's line by now, god dammit."
I chose to look up to the sky, to see where the sun was currently peering down at me. It was getting dark. My heart fluttered fast in a moment of panic and my expression twisted into an uneasy grimace. I almost wanted to call out, just to know if anybody with a beating heart was near. But that presented me with the risk of meeting a bullet instead.
If only Alfie was holding onto my leg, I wouldn't be this scared-
No, I couldn't think about Alfred.
The sun was settling down into the west side of the earth, so I turned my sights the opposite way to where I still could swear I smelled the smoke of a fire. I shoved my hands under my armpits and trudged forward with the wind to my face.
I heard voices in the distance and instantly my heart settled into a reasonable pace when I heard the language spoken was English. Even better, it was dripping in New York and Philadelphia accents.
"Gonnorhea, Perco?" I called out against the wind, hoping my voice would carry.
"Lottie, iszat you?" the little Italian spoke, his round head then peeking over the edge of his foxhole.
I broke into a trot and slid without asking into their foxhole. "Jesus Christ, I'm glad to see you two."
Bill was sitting with his arms crossed, his frozen breath escaping from his underbite. "Something wrong, baby?"
"A lot of things are wrong…"
"Tell me all about it, baby," Bill teased fondly, making me feel welcome.
"Well, my only son isn't with me anymore." I quickly congratulated myself for getting that out without choking. "And I'm out wandering around, in circles I'm sure, searching for Denver."
Perconte took his infamous toothbrush from his mouth, "Bull is just further east down the line, Lots. What are you looking for him for?"
"To apologize…"
Bill spoke up, looking up at me from his creased brow, "What trouble did you get into now?"
"I've been an ass lately."
"You're telling us?" Frank spat out in a thick sarcastic tone.
I crossed my arms tighter and raised an eyebrow, "Have I really been that bad?"
"Yes, but… we all love you so damn much you could never make us mad." Guarnere whistled through a shivering smile.
I threw my right arm around his shoulders and gave him a squeeze. Perco looked over his shoulder with a mock jealous expression.
"Oh, get your ass over here," I laughed as he sat under my left arm. I hugged them both tightly before climbing out of the foxhole. "Evening fellas. Don't forget to get up and walk around a bit, okay? Oh, and Bill?"
He looked up at me with big eyes between his mat of hair and the scarf covering half of his face. "Yea, cowgirl?"
"How's that urinary tract infection doing?" Perco immediately snorted and what little of Bill's cheeks showed blushed pink.
"Still pissing needles, cowgirl. Doc said he'd give me some medicine-"
"I'll talk to Gene about it, Bill. See you guys," I waved over my shoulder and walked now with more confidence towards Bull's hole.
Frank began to talk behind me, "What are you so embarrassed about? At least you have a girl asking about down there…"
"Shut the hell up, Perco," I heard Bill hiss in the distance, a firm thud from a punch following. I chuckled to myself to release some of my nerves.
The twenty yards between Bill and Perco's foxhole and Bull's was a lot shorter than I had wished it was. What if he was too mad at me for repairing? What if I had messed everything up for the last time?
"Boone is that you?" His familiar and deep voice called ahead of me.
I shuffled closer, shoving red hands further into my pockets, "Yea, it's me."
"Jesus," he emerged from the hole. His massive size always took me aback for a moment every time I saw him stand. "It's too damn cold for you to be walking around out there." He took my arm and helped me down into the hole surrounded by fallen spruce branches.
"Nice hole, Denver," I tried to laugh off the shiver that shot down my spine.
He sat across from me, "The boys were all fighting for it, but…" he tapped the neatly sewn chevrons on his left shoulder. "Rank has its benefits."
I chuckled, almost embarrassed of my meager first Private chevron that had not changed since Sobel was around. So much had changed since then otherwise. A lot was gained and too much was lost.
"I didn't just come to admire your foxhole and see how your feet were doing, Denver."
He shifted uncomfortably. "What did you come for then?"
Suddenly I completely forgot every apology and line I had rehearsed on my miserable trek over here. "To, uh, apologize, I think."
"You think?" His deep voice rattled.
"Well, I'm not sure." I fumbled with my words like I had the first day I met him, when he carried me down Currahee. I played with the loops of ball chain that was wound around my wedding ring finger. "I-I guess I came to tell you that… I think I love you, but I can't marry you right now."
"You think?" He repeated with an uneasy and confused look on his face.
I opened my mouth to speak, but he began speaking what was pressing on his mind before I could explain.
"Loretta, you can't do this to me." He looked directly into my eyes, "You know… I know what you've gone through. I know you hurt and I know you're scared and you don't want to trust anybody. I get it, okay? But you can't tell me one day you love me and not the next. You can't keep doing that to me, Boone."
"I'm sorry-"
"Why can't you be okay?" He practically spat.
"What?"
He shrugged, "I mean, it's like you don't even try to feel better."
Heavy tears welled up in my eyes. He was completely right. "You're right."
Denver leaned forward and hugged me, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."
"No, you're right." I nodded into his chest, "I need to stop feeling sorry for myself."
He held me loosely at arm's length, "I'll help you… the entire company wants nothing more than to see you happy."
For a moment I wanted to make a cruel remark about how it was impossible to be happy with Alfie gone, but I quickly swallowed it down.
"Thank you… I'm sorry for being a miserable bitch to be around."
He kissed my forehead, "I never stopped loving you for it."
My heart thumped a pace faster, and I titled my jaw just enough so if he wanted to kiss me he could… and he did. I kissed him back, savoring the taste of Bull that I had missed. The feeling of expired cigar smoke laced my lips instead of stinging tears and my heart and lungs finally worked as a system again.
"I do love you," I mumbled, subtly holding onto his collar as we pulled away from each other. Thank God he was a forgiving man. Denver Randleman was more of a saint than a soldier, really.
"Through thick and thin," he added before kissing me again. I let my shoulders relax and simply cherished the moment. My numb hands began to warm as I ran them all around him. My heart felt happy and I liked the new feeling. The light appeared at the end of the tunnel, and I was walking towards it-
No, it wasn't the clearing of utter depression; it was the blinding light of a German mortar passing behind Bull and into the darkness. The expected massive sound followed. Bull yanked his hands away from my waist, slapping them against his ears. I immediately felt the cold engulf where his warm hands were.
There was a familiar ring flooding my ears, but I knew it would pass soon enough. I was almost used to the blood, the bangs and the destruction.
"Shit, this time of night?" Bull asked in the moment of silence.
"MEDIC!" I coded Winters' shrill yell instantly.
"That's my cue," I said to Bull, hoping speaking would steady my adrenaline rich heart.
I grabbed my bag from beside our feet, and ran towards the screaming. I hoped as I quickened my sprint that Eugene would be right behind me, or even better, already at who was hit. My heart fluttered as I realized that if Winters' was the one calling, it must have been an officer that was hit… Harry, Peacock or Nixon.
The deep snow made it hard to run as fast as my emotions wanted me to. I slipped and fell multiple times on my knees, my healing ankle screaming with each struggled step. Suddenly I saw orange coals being kicked around into the snow, leaving a smoldering trail into the clear sky.
Harry Welsh had been hit, and he panted with his gapped teeth clenched together. His arms were shaking and stiff above him, blood glistening around what remained of his leg.
I fell to his side, "Harry, I'm here."
No audible sound came from his mouth but groans of pure agony. Winters' held his shoulders with firm, but settling hands. I rummaged through my black leather bag quickly. The tips of my fingers were completely numb, so the small brown box that contained morphine fumbled about. Harry reached for my arm and squeezed it so tight it became painful.
Where the hell is Gene? Nixon was screaming into a radio for support.I began to become frustrated before I finally resorted to ripping the box open. I gave a quick nod to Dick before thrusting the thick needle into Harry's leg. Immediately his breathing relaxed and his grip on my arm did as well. I gave a sigh of relief as I heard Eugene finally arrive. What felt like an eternity to a treating medic was in reality just a few moments time.
"Morphine?" Eugene quickly asked in his Cajun drawl.
I nodded as I pulled tightly a tourniquet around Harry's badly wounded leg. Looking into his pained eyes, I thought of Kitty Grogan back home. The girl that Harry spoke so fondly every chance he got. I prayed for her sake that Harry would be alright.
Eugene had blood on his fingers, just like it seemed we always did, and he scribed an 'M' on the space of Harry's sweaty brow. We did not need a repeat of Moose Heyliger.
"Let's get him out of here," I ordered to nobody in particular as a jeep drove up.
Peacock, Nixon, the driver and Winters lifted him up and carrying him to the stretcher. I could not shake off the sight of his wide open eyes and lips trembling with fear and pain. Seeing pools of my brother's blood and flesh was as awful as it sounded, almost a normal thing now. But their expressions were genuine and gruesomely honest. That is what bothered me the most about being a medic.
Eugene was panting beside me, holding the syrette between his teeth. Dark circles hung around his grey eyes, and I was sure they matched my own. I leaned against his back and he leaned against mine. Eugene Roe was my backbone in this war.
"I'm going back to our hole, you coming?" I asked, cautiously. He seemed so tense that if I spoke too loud he would snap.
He shook his head and eventually croaked out a response, "There's a smaller one dug over here, I think I'll stay."
"Sergeant Guarnere needs that penicillin, Gene. I hate to nag you, but…"
He rubbed his face with trembling, stained hands. "I'll get around to it, Brave."
I just nodded quietly and cupped my hand over his shoulder as I stood. Eugene was quiet, but he always let me know when he needed to be alone.
"'Night, Gene. Love you…" I said without really thinking about it. I did love him, in a separate way than I loved Bull, but I loved him nonetheless.
I grabbed my black bag and walked towards Spina and I's hole. It was a long ways away, and not on Ralph's half to care for, which is why he probably didn't even hear Winters' call for a medic. I cringed at the thought of Eugene's delay and what might have happened if I didn't happen to be on Eugene's half. I wondered to myself why it had taken Gene so long to get to Harry; he was usually there immediately.
Winters' walked to where I had just been- beside Eugene, and I heard a mumbling of words in a worried tone before the sound of the jeep running drowned it out.
"Harry got hit," I said solemnly as I slid down into Spina's foxhole.
"Shit," he woke up.
I set my bag aside and pulled a blanket over my numb legs, "He'll make it though… as long as he doesn't get an infection."
There wasn't one damn beautiful thing about war. It was ugly, hideous actually. Nothing was romantic about it, nothing was appealing and nothing made you feel remotely good about yourself or what the human race was capable of. But as a human, I was good at lying to myself to mask the ugliness of the war I was immersed in. So I concentrated on the nature that surrounded me. The still trees surrounding me calmed me; Spina's low breathing settled my heart. I was going to try and be happy like Bull said. Or at least I was going to try my damnest.
I didn't have Alfie now to distract me. I had the men of Easy Company. They were great men and I loved them dearly. I felt disconnected from them during the past few weeks in the frozen forest of Bastogne. Feeling that small separation, I made it a bigger problem than it was, like I always did. I pushed them all away whenever they tried to speak to me, I realized. I had a lot of work to do. I had relationships to mend, and wounds to heal.
"I'll start in the morning," I mumbled to myself as I fell against the side of the crumbling foxhole.
"What was that, Lots?" Spina stirred from his sleep, questioning my resolution.
I gave a small smile under my wool scarf, "Nothing, Speen. Goodnight- see you in the morning."
Before I could close my eyes, Ralph flipped over. "Are you and Bull alright? You know, like you guys are still in love, right?"
I sighed, "All I know right now, Speen, is that I love Denver and I love Easy Company."
I heard his stiff uniform move with a shrug and he rolled onto his shoulder to sleep. "'Night, Lottie."
I realize that Harry got hit on Christmas Eve, but ok, I thought Buck dressed up as Santa would be a lot more fun than Harry getting hit for Alfie's last night on the line, haha. Sorry about that. Hope you enjoyed that Bull and Boone kinda have their shit together now. Expect fluff in the future. ;)
Thank you to Camilla for helping me edit this chapter and getting me back on my feet. Love you!
Reviews are so appreciated!