20Many years ago, my brother recorded what is very possibly the funniest answering machine message ever. I was thinking about it recently, and this little story was born.
Frankly, my dear, I don't own Merlin. Many thanks to llLethell for beta-ing :D
There was a spot on the desk that would not come out, no matter how hard George scrubbed. That, of course, would simply not do. George had a reputation to preserve; he couldn't simply let the spot stay there! He scrubbed harder.
The door opened, and in came the owner of the desk, Lord Eoin. George was embarrassed at being caught failing at his job, even though Lord Eoin couldn't see him from where he was sitting. So ashamed was George of not being able to remove the spot, he didn't even stand up and bow with respect like he usually would have done.
It was just as well: Lord Eoin didn't seem to be in a very good mood, flinging his cloak off and muttering angrily at nothing. At the back of his mind, the part that George paid no attention to whatsoever, he surmised that something had gone badly wrong for Eoin.
Someone knocked softly at the door, and Eoin barked curtly, "Come in." George couldn't see who answered the summons, and he didn't recognize the voice. Eoin's next words explained why.
"You managed to sneak in alright, then?"
"Yes, m'lord. The guards are witless as always, just as you expected. No one even suspects I am here."
So he snuck into Camelot, George thought absently, still working at the spot. I wonder why he would need to.
"Good, good. And your plans are in place?"
"Quite. Tomorrow night, King Arthur"-the title and name were spoken with something very like contempt-"will be as good as dead."
George felt mild surprise and alarm, and stopped cleaning. Someone trying to kill the King? How shocking! Well, sort of; he supposed it was becoming the socially acceptable thing to do among thieves, sorcerers, and general ne'er-do-wells. But still! This couldn't be good. He pondered what to do. Meanwhile, the other inhabitants of the room kept talking.
"And where can I find you if I need you before then?" Eoin said, in a voice that indicated he would ask Merlin for assistance before this man.
"I'll be in a hovel in the woods," the man replied. "I will return tomorrow evening, before the festivities."
"Too right you will," said Eoin. "Now leave me; I hope I don't see you before the time is right."
The man stayed for a second, presumably to scrape and bow, but the door closed behind him in due course.
Eoin gave a little sigh of relief and headed for his desk. He pulled up short when he saw who was kneeling before him.
George stood slowly and gracefully, face impassive and hands behind his back. He did not bow.
"George!" Eoin gasped. "Have you been here this whole time?!"
George nodded sedately. "Indeed, sir, since before you returned. I was busy trying to remove a particularly stubborn spot on your desk, and could not help overhearing what transpired between you and your . . . compatriot."
Eoin seemed slightly taken aback by this candid admission, but he soon came to his senses again. "Well then," he said. "I would be most grateful if you wouldn't tell anyone about what you just heard, George; in fact, as your master, I command you not to tell anyone." Eoin was confident in this. George was always obedient.
George simply smiled a little. "Ah, but sir, you forget; I have another master, even higher than you. I serve the King of Camelot himself, and as such it is my duty to tell him."
The lord's jaw tightened. "Well then, I'll just have to silence you myself," he stated, and removed his sword from its sheath. "Of course, if a servant attacked me, I would have to defend myself."
At this, George actually laughed. This sound was so unusual coming from George, of all people, that it stopped Eoin from striking the killing blow.
"Yes," said George. "I'm sure everyone would believe without question that I, George, had attacked my master."
There was a slight stress on the word 'I', and Eoin took a moment to contemplate this. He imagined that he had told George had attacked King Arthur, and almost laughed. The idea was ludicrous. Of course he couldn't kill George and pass it off as self-defense; even though nothing could be done because he was a lord and George a servant, everyone (including the King) would know it had been a lie. His reputation would be ruined.
"Then I suppose we are at an impasse," he said, and put his sword away.
"Perhaps, perhaps not. Perhaps we can reach an arrangement."
Eoin raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"
George nodded. "To be frank, my salary is not large. If you don't want me to tell King Arthur of your plans, maybe you could arrange to make it substantially bigger. Discreetly, of course."
Eoin's lips thinned. "I understand you perfectly," he said stiffly. "Consider it done. But you must keep your side of the bargain, understand?"
George nodded meekly. "Of course, m'lord. I will."
George kept his word: he never told the King about Lord Eoin's plans. But he did, erm, let it slip *coughcough* while in the laundry with Merlin the next morning. The other servant gave him an astonished look, thanked him, and hurried away without another word, leaving the King's clothes unwashed.
George gave a little secret smile and washed both batches of clothes.
"Every good servant does not all commands." -William Shakespeare
Don't even ask what this has to do with an answering machine message: it's more complicated than the storyline of LOST. (well, not really; nothing is that complicated.)
Please review and tell me your thoughts!