9In mind, but not soul
What was my favorite moment in my life? If I were to be asked, I would probably shy away from the question. I know how unusual my answer would be to them. If I ever am forced to say something, though, I wouldn't lie to them. I'd answer that it was when I was the only one to know about Toothless, when I used to visit him everyday at his cove and play with him, learn more about him, be alone with him.
Ever since my father came back from his useless search and everything else happened, I don't get as much time as I'd like with my best friend. I have to be in Berk to settle disputes between man and dragon, fill in the endless amount of saddle commands, help stubborn vikings understand that no, that dragon won't try to bite your hand off anymore and, well, I have to not look like I'd rather be miles away from Berk.
Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that I hate my situation. I enjoy being around the other dragons. I like being with Astrid. I love my father. Hanging with the rest of the gang can definitely be fun. They're all nice company, but, somehow, at the same time, they aren't.
I so wish I could just hop on Toothless and leave Berk forever. Well, theoretically, I could. Good luck out-racing a Night Fury if I ever decide I'm going. Why do I not go, then? I have a hard time knowing myself. I guess I just so happen to like them all enough to not leave. Yup, I ended up liking these humans that made my life hell for all those dreaded years before Toothless came in and changed everything. In a way, I hate them all for that. I hate them all for making me like them. Because if they didn't, I could fly away with Toothless and be happy, alone with him.
I've questioned him once to know what he thought about all of them, back at Berk. Even though he can't talk back, he gave me his answer. They're here? Nice. They're not? Whatever. Just like me, he likes them, but not so much more than that. They're friends to him, nothing more. Just like me, he probably would do anything for them if they were in danger, but at the same time, he's not carrying that much affection for them.
Most people don't know, but Toothless understands much more than what he shows. With me, he doesn't hide it. It became very obvious to me very soon that he can understand Norse as well as your next viking, if not better. If I had the time to, I'd find a way to overcome the language barrier between us. I so wish he could answer me with words, sometimes. If I ever left Berk, that'd be one of the first things I'd do. And if I don't leave, I'll still try one day, if I ever have time to.
I guess I should still be happy with what I have. It most certainly could be so, so much worse. I have Toothless with me, and no one can keep him away from me. As long as that remains true, I can be happy. Hel, I am happy with my life, just not anywhere close as happy as I know I could be. Toothless is with me, but there's the small matter of every single job that Berk throws at me and my pitiful excuse for a social life with viking teens to keep hold of that pull the two of us apart.
Everyday, I look at them at Berk, and I think about how much I hate them all for making me like them, and how much I hate myself for being too unselfish to be able to not care about what they would feel if I left them. All in all, I found out that there's one thing I think I hate even more than that. One thing I've always hated, deep down my heart, even before everything happened, even before I met Toothless.
I hate being a human.
It's no less than a curse to me. And it's something that I can't change, whatever I do. Even if the impossible happened and I physically turned into a dragon overnight, I'd still be a human, in mind.
Those few times when I'm alone with my friend, or even just any other dragon, it feels painfully right. Like it always was meant to be that way.
Not when I'm with humans.