Disclaimer: I don't own Power Rangers. If I did there would have been 50 episodes for each season to allow for better character development. And there would be fewer Zord fights.
Hi, I decided to give this kind of story one last try. I decided to add some non-power ranger males (I felt bad they were getting left out) so I really had to stretch to get enough females (I don't do slash).
This is going to be divided into three chapters.
Please remember that these are completely random pairings. My only rule is that I can't repeat a pairing used in the first two versions.
Finally, I try to make fun of everyone. Please remember this is all in fun.
The Dumbest Romance Story Ever Told: Final Attempt
Eileen (Psycho Tangerine)
Zordon was bored…very bored…extremely bored…mind numbingly bored. The Angels at the Heavenly Insane Asylum had placed him in a head straightjacket in a padded cell. Worst of all, he had no access to a computer- which meant no access to his favorite thing of all…Power Rangers Fanfiction. "Aaauuuugghhh!" cried Zordon. "How am I supposed to make sure those idiots keep with the pairings I gave them? I didn't even get to finish putting them together last time! Well, it's time I started using my head." With that, he began to roll into the wall.
The Angel attendants who were standing outside heard a loud Bom…Bom…Bom…Bom…Bom…. Bom…Bom…Bom…Bom…Bom…Bom… Craaaaaassssshhhhh! They dropped the harps they had been strumming and ran into the padded cell. Seeing the big head shaped hole in the side of the cell, they raised the alarm.
"Alpha!" shouted Zordon as soon as he got back into his tube. "Get this damn thing off me! I have work to do!"
"Ayiyi, Zordon!" cried Alpha 5 as he began to pull off the straps of the head straightjacket, "so glad to see you. What's going on? A new enemy? Shall I call in more teenagers with attitude?"
"No, you moron!" retorted Zordon. "I have to do something about these romantic pairings in Power Rangers Fanfictions. I'm sure they've screwed it up again! Call everyone on this list!"
(An hour later)
Zordon stared at the Rangers, allies, and villains. "Did you miss me?" he asked sweetly.
No one answered.
The walls began to shake. "I asked did…you…miss….me?!" boomed Zordon angrily.
"Yes, Zordon," everyone replied nervously.
"Good. Now I am back because I was rudely interrupted before I got to finish pairing you up. And I realized that some of our non-Ranger males were being left out. So I am going to start over."
Zordon ignored them. "And this time, you will all be expected to stay with whoever I pick…Or Else!" he boomed as the walls shook again.
Everyone nodded quickly.
"Great, so let's begin. My first pairing is Marina…"
"Thank Neptune," sighed Marina. "I will be able to get this nonsense over with."
Zordon glared at her. "…and our newest Red Ranger, Jayden."
Jayden sidled over to the mermaid. "Pssst…want to know a secret?" he asked her.
"Not really," replied Marina.
"Good, cause I'm not going to tell you!" He began to dance around Marina. "I'm not telling! I'm not telling! I'm not telling! Ow!" he cried as Marina's tail whacked him over.
"The only secret I need to know from you is how you keep your hair like that." She grabbed him by the foot. "Let's see if it stays like that underwater, Loverboy."
"Help!" cried Jayden as he was dragged away.
"I sure hope he has a snorkel packed away somewhere," commented Zordon. "Next is Fran…"
"RJ! No, Dominick! No, RJ! No, Dom…oh who am I kidding? Flit!"
"What a fickle woman. Maybe Kevin will be straight-laced enough for you."
Kevin stomped up annoyed. "We don't have time for this nonsense. We must defeat the Nighlok!"
"Hi!" Fran greeted eagerly. "Do you like pizza?"
"No time to waste with such frivolity," replied Kevin. "A quick protein bar and then on to battle!"
"What kind of books do you like?" asked Fran tentatively.
"A nice brisk swim in a cold swimming pool…and then off to fight Xandred's army!"
Fran looked at Kevin and yawned. "Wow, and I thought I was boring."
"Way to get the ladies, Kevin," said Zordon. "Maybe these two will get along better. Andrew Hartford, you get to take out the lovely but traitorous Charlie."
"Whoohoo!" cried Andrew. "Mack, you're getting a mommy!"
"Didn't think you knew what that was!" the Red Overdrive Ranger retorted.
"Whew!" said Charlie, so glad to be out of that dumb card." She ducked behind Andrew as the SPD Rangers raised their morphers threateningly.
"You're all just jealous because I was a way better Ranger than you!" she called as she stuck her tongue out at them.
"You're a Ranger?" asked Andrew. "Great! Want to see all my top secret stuff in my super secret mansion in San Angeles?"
"Sure!" cried Charlie as she rubbed her hands together eagerly.
"On another thought," Andrew continued as the Sentinel Knight snuck behind Charlie and knocked her out. "I think I'll just take you somewhere you can't do any more damage." He led the Sentinel Knight who carried the Red A Squad Ranger away.
"Such a sweet pair," Zordon sighed. "Okay Madison you get…"
"Nick, Nick, Nick, why haven't you come back for me, you jerk?" sobbed Madison.
"You certainly do have a one track mind. As I was saying, you get Bridge. Ah ah ah!" he snapped as the Green SPD Ranger ran up to his tube. "Keep those buttery hands off my tube or I will obliterate every toaster in California!"
Bridge gulped and backed away. He then turned to Madison. "I like computers, and buttery toast, and fixing things, and buttery toast, and bathroom books, and buttery toast, and standing upside down, and buttery toast, and blue doggies, and buttery toast, and my gloves and…"
"Buttery toast!" shouted all the other SPD Rangers.
"Great!" Madison exclaimed. "I can video you feeding buttery toast to a blue doggie while fixing a computer with your other hand while you are standing upside down!"
"Huh?" Bridge pulled off his glove and waved his hand. "Ahhhhhh! You have no aura! Your tediousness is going to infect me! I'm too cute to become dull! Ahhhhhhhhhh!" He ran off.
"Wait, let me film you running off in terror!" called Madison as she ran after him with her camera.
"That was pointless," said Zordon. "Nadira, go date Carlos."
Nadira sauntered up to Carlos. "Just to let you know, I want the prettiest clothes, the nicest jewelry, and expensive gifts. Or…else…I…tell…my…Daddy!" She pointed at his chest with her painted fingernail to punctuate each word.
"Why of course, my sweet," replied Carlos. "I've got money saved up from becoming famous after we Space Rangers revealed our identities. How about I start with some lovely diamond earrings, a new mink stole, and a Ferrari?"
"Now you're speaking my language," said Nadira. She leaned on Carlos' arm.
"I can't wait until we make our babies," the Black Space Ranger commented.
"Huh?" asked Nadira.
"I even drew a picture of our future children." He handed a crudely made drawing to Nadira.
"What the…what the hell are these? They're even uglier than us mutants!"
"But don't you want vampire barillian bug babies?" asked Carlos in feigned confusion.
"Ewwwww! Daddy!" cried Nadira as she ran off.
"Whoohoo! Back to soccer!" said Carlos as he headed off the other way.
"Well, I'll have to find a couples therapist for those two." Zordon consulted his list. "I think I'm going to have Ashley pair up with Jarrod."
"I don't need some filthy mudblood…I mean underling near me!" announced Jarrod with an angry scowl.
"I see someone still has an attitude problem," Zordon sighed.
"Hmmm…seems human," said Ashley as she walked around poking at Jarrod.
"How dare you touch me, you…"
"But what's with that musty old fur cape?" asked Ashley.
"Uh, just a souvenir," replied Jarrod. "Camille thinks it's sexy."
"Not in the summer, you idiot!" called Camille from the crowd.
Ashley smiled. "I've got something better." She yanked the cape off of Jarrod and slapped on a new plaid/herringbone/polka-dotted jacket. "I made it myself!" she announced proudly.
"Aaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!" shouted Jarrod. "Now I look like a dork! No one will fear me anymore!" He flopped on the floor and began crying.
"Aw," said Ashley as she patted him on the head. "Oh, I know, I'll make you a matching hat!" She skipped off.
Zordon rolled his eyes at the sound of a sewing machine starting. "I guess we all need hobbies. Oh, it's our first non-Ranger guy. Yo, Spike!"
"Hehehe, look, Uncle Bulkie," said Spike. "That floating head is even balder than you."
"Shut up, Moron," grumbled Bulk.
"You are with Emily…"
Two loud groans are heard.
"…the biking waitress from Angel Grove."
"Alright!" cried Spike as Emily headed towards him. "You can cheer me on and look at me with loving eyes when I do my cool Samurai moves. That way the Pink Ranger will want me as well. And having both of you babes on my arms will make me look super duper cool."
"That won't make you look cool," Emily commented. "But I'll tell you what will."
"Hehehe…what?" asked Spike.
"This!" Emily pulled a serving tray full of smoothies from behind her back then tipped it over onto Spike's head.
"Can someone get a mop over here, please?" asked Zordon. "And while that's being cleaned up, Carter you can go see Tenaya.
Carter looked around. "Uh, where is she?"
A hand scampered up. In it was a note.
Carter grabbed the note. "Sorry, can't make it," he read. "Being a human is boring so I'm cryogenically freezing myself. I'm going to find this Dr. Ferricks and get him to make me into a robot again. Love Tenaya. Wait, that's all I get? A lousy hand?"
The hand jumped onto Carter's shoulders and began massaging them.
"Ahhhh….on second thought, maybe I can teach it to go into the burning buildings for me."
Zordon smiled at the happy 'couple.' "See, there's nothing wrong with only having part of your body." He consulted his list. "Scorpina…"
"It'd better be Goldar, you bald egomaniac!" sneered the evil alien.
"Sorry, I don't have enough flea bombs to allow monkeyboy in here. But Trip should be just as good."
"Get over here now!" Scorpina commanded.
Trip shuffled up. "My gem says you're angry. Maybe you'd like me and Circuit to sing a duet to cheer you up? Eeeep!" he gasped as he was lifted off the ground by his collar. "Don't kill me?"
"Stupid, worthless human," snapped Scorpina as she changed into her scorpion form. "You shall carry all my stuff for me. And you will do all my chores, polish my nails and stinger, and constantly tell me how much prettier I am than Rita."
"Hey!" came a screech from the remaining crowd.
"That'd be okay," said Trip, "except for one thing." To the shocked gasps of everyone, especially the other Time Force Rangers, he morphed into a large lizard like creature and grabbed the female scorpion in his mouth. "I'm NOT a human."
"We need to do more research on the Xybrians, obviously," murmured Zordon. "So, Damon, I hope you have an apple ready for the teacher because Ms. Appleby is yours."
"Sweets for the sweet?" asked Damon as he held out a box of candy dripping with motor oil.
"Sit down, young man!" ordered Ms. Appleby. "How dare you interrupt my class!"
"What class?" asked Damon in confusion as he sat down. "And where did this desk come from?"
"Quiet!" a ruler came down and smacked the desk, causing Damon to jump. "Where's your homework?"
"What homework? I'm a mechanic." Damon grinned. "How about I fix your car for you? Maybe make it purr a bit."
"Naughty boy!" said Ms. Appleby. "I'm keeping you after school." With that, she grabbed Damon by the ear and dragged him out of the Power Chamber.
"Well, someone's hot for teacher. Sure glad it's not me. Sydney, it seems you're next."
"Ooh!" cried the blonde. "I hope he's cute, and funny, and rich enough to pay for my manicures."
"Well, I guess that's going to be up to Skull."
Sydney skipped up to Skull. "Hmmm, she said as she examined him. Well, you are kind of cute."
"Yeah, cute," repeated Skull as he chewed loudly on his gum. He turned around and tripped over his own feet.
"And you really seem like a funny guy," giggled Sydney.
"Ahahahahaha!" laughed Skull, "yeah, funny guy."
"Too bad you can't afford me."
"Yeah, afford…oh wait," said Skull as he pulled out his vibrating cell phone. "Yes? A concerto on the tenth? How much? No, tell them no less than five thousand. Yes, I know it's down from last week's show, but they can't afford to pay as much as the Philharmonic." He put the cell phone back in his pocket. "Where was I? Oh yeah, afford you."
"Darling!" cried Sydney as she jumped into Skull's arms.
"Well someone sure has her priorities straight. Marah and Scott are the next lucky couple."
"Oh goody!" cried Marah as she ran up. "Where is he? Is he as cute as my DustyWusty?"
"I'm not yours, you jerk!" cried a voice from the Ninja Storm Rangers
Scott walked up determinedly. "I will prove to my dad that I am just as good as Marcus. I will prove to him that I am a great leader. I will prove to him that I am worthy of his love and devotion." He suddenly broke down and flopped to the floor. "Why don't you love me, Daddy?" he sobbed. "Whyyyyyy?"
Marah looked at him. "You know, if you join up with me, I bet Uncle will treat you just like his own son."
"Screw you, Dad!" shouted Scott as he went off arm and arm with Marah.
"Well, RPM is screwed." Zordon flipped a page in his notebook. "Now, oh, I have Penny here. Guess we really are low on wom…" Whomp!
"Ow! My nose!" Penny whined as she stepped back from the tube. "This is the worst guide dog I've ever had!"
RIC barked defiantly and peed coolant on Penny's sneakers before trotting back into the crowd.
Zordon sighed. "Lucky you, Dax, you're her man."
Dax bounced up to Penny. "Whoopie! I finally get a woman!" He kept bouncing all around her. "She can't see me so she can't hurt me like a certain tricky evil woman who could have fooled anyone even though my teammates keep calling me a total idiot. And she'll be in movies with me so I can show that I can kiss on films. And she won't tie me up and gag me like the others are always doing although, that'd be okay if she wants to get naughty. And she'll…" Whap!
"And she'll prefer walking alone in heavy traffic to going out with an idiot like you!" huffed Penny as Dax doubled over in pain from being hit by her cane.
"You need to work on your approach with the ladies, Dax," said Zordon with a sigh. "Our next guy has no problems with that, do you, Zack? Zack? Wait," he said as the lights lowered and flashing strobe lights came on. "How the hell did those turntables get in here?"
"Welcome to another night at Zordon's Chamber of Power," Zack said smoothly over a microphone. "I am the Massive Mastodon and would like to dedicate this number to…wait," he continued in his normal voice as he turned his head towards Zordon's tube. "Who am I dedicating this to?"
"Alyssa," mumbled Zordon as he rolled his eyes.
"Well, come on up, Alyssa," Zack continued in his smooth dj voice "and I'll play…" CRAAAAAAASSSSSHHHH! "Hey! My music!" whined Zack as the whole table was knocked over.
"Sorry," apologized Alyssa as she picked her bike up from the mess. "It was so dark in here I couldn't see where I was going"
"Well, no harm done," said Zack. "Oh, I have something for you. It's my signature gift to the ladies." He handed her a small box.
"Oooh, how pretty." Alyssa pulled the pair of pearl earrings out of the box. "How do they open?"
"Open?" asked Zack.
Alyssa tossed the earrings down and began stomping on them. "Come on! What kind of Wild Zords are in these? Oh I hope it's a pony zord! I've always wanted a pony zord! Or a cute bunny zord!" She continued to jump up and down. "Anyone got a blowtorch?"
"Great, I've got a crazy one here," moaned Zack. "How can I get rid of her?"
"Just show her your Hip Hop Kiddo, that'll chase anyone away." Zordon looked at his list again. "So, Dimitria, you're up next."
Dimitria glided up to Zordon's tube. "What does it feel like to be stuck inside that tube again?" she asked Zordon.
"I'm not stuck. I choose to be in here. At least until I get you all straightened out. Besides, I didn't have a Green Samurai genius to get me out of my tube like you did the first time I gathered you all here."
"And do you remember that the Ranger you gave me the second time we were all here actually built me my own Power Chamber, complete with an IMAX theater and a Jacuzzi?" She waved at Damon.
"Some people just get all the luck," grumbled Zordon. "Let's see who you get now, maybe someone who thinks a screwdriver is a hammer or…ah, screw it all! You get Alex."
"So," said Dimitria as Alex stepped up to her. "What wonderful technology from the year 3000 will you be providing for me? A flying castle? Mouth veils that taste like chocolate?"
"Are you kidding me?" asked Alex as he held up his hands which were in electronic cuffs. "Thanks to a certain group of Rangers who can't keep from sneaking to the past to get pizza, burritos, tapioca pudding, and other forbidden delicacies, I've lost my position at Time Force and now have to spend the next twenty years in their prison. Thanks a lot, guys!"
"Sorry!" called the Time Force Rangers around mouthfuls of the pizza they had brought in.
"Yes!" called Zordon. "I'm not the one here with the suckiest life!" He did a few head somersaults in celebration. "I've even got a song. Lily and Dominick sitting in tree, k...i...s...s...i...n...g…"
Lily came dancing up. "Awwww…the song's over already?" she whined. "Hey Dom!" she said to her former Jungle Fury teammate. "I hope you got some dancing lessons during your trip to Europe. Theo was all left feet."
"Sure, want to dance now?" He took Lily by the hands and they began to dance.
"Not bad," said Lily as she stepped back. The others began to laugh at the green spots on her face, the kick me sign on her back, and the smashed pie on the top of her head. "What?"
"Now I've got a restaurant to go 'inspect'," announced Dominick. He put on a cap and pulled out a pad of paper. "Can anyone here direct me to this 'Surf Spot'?"
"Smooth, really, smooth Rhino-boy. Now Heather, you are going to get paired with Commander Cruger. Wait, why is it snowing in here?"
"Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!" cried Heather as she slid down a hill that had suddenly appeared on the other side of the room. "That was awesome!" she exclaimed as she pulled off her hat and goggles. "So, who am I getting again?" She looked around as Cruger stepped up. "A blue dog? Really?" She sighed. "Well, seeing as I haven't gotten a date since missing out on that long-haired dork, I guess you'll have to do."
"I'll have you know, I'm a married dog," Cruger said gruffly.
"Oh, I don't need you for that." Heather jumped on Cruger and wrestled with him a bit. "There," she said with satisfaction as she stepped back. "Now you'll really be a useful doggy."
"What the?" asked Cruger as he pulled at the barrel hanging beneath his neck. "Hey! I'm not a Saint Bernard and this is not the Alps! Get this thing off me! No, wait," he sniffed the ale in it. Then he began to take deep gulps of it. "I…Ishiniaaa who?" He asked as he wavered around. Then he pulled out his personal communicator. "Hey…hey Birdie ish that you…you? Yesh is me Dog…Dogg…Woof Woof! I'm a callin to say I love you and wanna have birddoggy babies wi...hello? hello?"
"Well, that was just lovely. High Commander Renier, go find Danny because he's your man."
"You pulled me from my very important position at Terra Venture just to set me up on a blind date?" huffed Renier. "And with this dunce?" she added as Danny ran up eagerly with a bunch of flowers.
"My love!" he exclaimed excitedly. "At last, I have found my love and will finally get to experience those wonderful things called 'true love' and 'marriage.'"
"Humph," said Renier. "Will you be able to fix the broken engines on my Space Colony?"
"Anything for you, my love, because I Never Give Up!"
"Will you be able to singlehandedly defeat insect like aliens whenever they decide to attack us and the Rangers are under a sleep spell?"
"Anything for you, my love, because I Never Give Up!"
"Will you ever be able to stop saying Never Give Up?"
"Anything for you, my love, because I Never Gi….i….ve Up! No!" shrieked Danny. "I can't do it. I give up!"
"And on that note, can I please have Kai and Kat."
Kat came pirouetting in wearing her pink ballet tutu. "I need someone as graceful as me, Zordon. Someone who's idea of fun isn't smashing cars into brick walls."
"Hey!" cried Kai as he came skating in on ice skates. "My last girlfriend was very impressed by my moves on the….Whooooooaaaaaaa!" He lost his footing and then crashed into the one of the Power Chambers consoles and flipped over it. "Ohhhhhh…" he groaned.
"Guess I'll have to keep looking," Kat sighed.
"Nope, you'll just have to train him. Kelly and Tommy are next."
"Crash into walls, indeed," grumbled Tommy as he glared at his former girlfriend who was busy trying to teach her newest man to stand on one foot. "I could've been a great racecar driver if I had the support."
"Well, look no further," announced Kelly. "I can be your sponsor. I'll get you into all the competitions and help you keep your car up to date."
"Really?" asked Tommy with a grin. "It's nice to have a girlfriend for once who thinks of me first before her own silly career. So, when do we begin?"
"We begin after you start working for me," replied Kelly. "Now let's get going to Storm Chargers. All my other workers are busy with this silly thing here and I need someone to move some very heavy boxes for me."
"Aw man!" whined Tommy as he was dragged away.
"Score one for the women," said Zordon. "Okay Jen…"
"I get to have another man?" asked Jen. "Great! I'll have someone to replace Alex in our threesomes since he's doing time now. I do so love time travel."
"Uh…yeah too much detail. Ryan looks like she's yours…exclusively."
"Awwwwww," whined Wes.
"Yes!" shouted Ryan as he ran up. "Can you take me anywhere in time?"
"Sure," answered Jen. "Alex can't stop me anymore." She ignored the grumbled curses from the other side of the room.
"Yes!" Ryan shouted again. "I'll finally be able to prevent it from happening!"
"You want to go back to before your dad's car accident?" asked Jen.
"Oh, you want to go back to before you got that snake on your back."
"Nope." Ryan grinned. "Take me back to just before my dad and I fall off that cliff and I learned to be…ugggghhh…good. I'm going to just shove him off and then go back to Diabolico." He grabbed Jen's arm and stomped away with her mumbling. "Cut me out of his will, will he? Just because I made his house look like my nice old cave…"
"Ah, the love of a devoted son," Zordon sighed. "Hayley, you are going to be with Flynn."
"Not now, Zordon!" called the Cyber Café owner. "Can't you see I've got my hands full with my own café and trying to keep those morons from getting themselves killed by Mesagog because their buffoon of a mentor can't keep from looking in a mirror and crying about his hair every five minutes?"
"Now, Lassie," began Flynn. "Why don't I…"
"Why couldn't I have been a Ranger too?" Hayley cried. "I bet he had a pink Dino Gem hidden somewhere. I bet he wanted to give it to that old girlfriend of his so that he could keep hearing 'Tommy help!' over and over again. I bet…aggugugugugug!" She quickly swallowed the mouthful of smoothie that Flynn had forced on her.
"As I was trying to say. Why don't I help you with your café? With my smoothie making expertise, we could topple that Juice Bar in Angel Grove."
"Or we could end up poisoning thousands!" gasped Hayley as she put her hand over her mouth. She dashed out of the room.
"Too much sardine and liver paste?" asked Flynn over the sound of retching.
"I think someone here needs a new hobby," commented Zordon. "Let's see…Angela and Blake are next."
Blake zoomed up on his motorbike. "So, you're Angela," he said to Zack's former love interest.
"Great," yawned Angela. "Probably another dumb guy to bug me for dates."
"I wouldn't worry about him asking you out!" called Tori. "He couldn't take a hint even when I was hugging him in my wet bikini!"
"That's because I saw what you were doing with Hunter…and Cam…and Zurgane!" Blake called back. "So," he said to Angela. "Wanna take a spin on my motorbike? We could go hit the movies."
"Why don't I just save us both the time?" asked Angela. With that, she pulled out a gigantic tub of popcorn and dumped it on Blake's head.
"Some women are just hard to get," commented Zordon. "Now, Trent I'm going to pair you up with Angela Fairweather…who still hasn't told me how the hell she got a hold of my Zord and morpher designs."
"Stop leaving your destroyed stuff in the junkyard!" retorted Lightspeed's head technologist. She looked at Trent. "Do you still have your powers?"
"Of course," replied Trent. "We Dino Thunder Rangers aren't dumb enough to get our powers destroyed or to give them back." He ducked as a rock was thrown at his head.
"You've got to improve your aim, Cole," Zordon called.
"Great, come with me!" she demanded as she grabbed Trent by the wrist. "I'm going to improve your morpher and Zord."
"Really? I'll get to be the best Power Ranger ever!" exclaimed Trent. "Everyone will see me as a great hero and Conner will stop making me do his chores to make up for when I was evil."
"Are you kidding?" asked Ms. Fairweather. "I'm making you into the evilest Power Ranger ever!"
"Huh? Hey hellllllllllllp!" cried Trent as he was dragged away by the Lightspeed genius who was grumbling about idiotic government cuts and losing all her research funding just because she had suggested finding and dissecting mermaids as part of her latest grant proposal.
"Guess you two sweethearts will have to figure out how to deal with this one. Well, here are two minor characters, if I may say so. Richie and Itassis go meet each other."
"This better not take too long," said Richie. "I've got to be back at work in fifteen minutes or Ernie will dock my pay. He may look like a jolly guy but just try working for that demanding slave driver."
Itassis strolled up and looked at Richie. "Human, I am not sure of your dating rituals. But, maybe you could help me learn more about courage."
"You want to learn about courage?" asked Richie. "Try asking a certain girl whose name rhymes with Beanie Bon out only to find out she'll flip you over if you do so much as hold her hand."
"Yeah, okay let's just go on, Hunter, you and Z will be the next couple."
"Pssst," Hunter stage-whispered to Z, "how about swiping something for your new boyfriend? I really need that Gem of Souls back."
"What?" exclaimed Z. "For your information, I'm not a thief anymore. Besides, I thought you guys tossed it into the ocean."
"Yeah, but now it's in a museum in Los Angeles. Seems a certain fisherman Ranger's been making a tidy profit on the side. But that's my gem, not his."
"I told you, I'm no thief." Z folded her arms and turned away from Hunter.
"I'll split the profits with you."
"With all of us?" asked one of Z's four clones as they pulled out of her. "We'll do it!" They began to run off.
"Hey!" cried Z as she began to chase after her other selves. "Get back in there!"
"Stop running around my tube!" ordered Zordon. "You're making me dizzy! He zapped Z and her clones with his eye beams. "That's better," he said, ignoring the dirty looks he was getting from a sooty, smoking Z. "Anyway, I think it's high time Curtis met Kapri."
"Hi…" began Curtis.
"Are you kidding me?" whined Kapri. "He's not a Ranger. Why can't I get a Ranger? Marah got a Ranger. It's not fair! She gets everything. But I'm better than her! I'm prettier and smarter! It's not faaaaaaiiiiiiiirrrrr!" She flopped to the floor in a tantrum.
Curtis stared at Kapri. Then he pulled out his trumpet. Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa aaaaaaaaaaaaaat!
"Eep!" yelped Kapri as she jumped up and clamped her ears shut. "No don't!" she cried as Curtis brought the trumpet to his mouth again. "I'll behave! I'll behave!"
"And they said I'd be sorry I stopped practicing," said Curtis.
"And that's one for the men this time," said Zordon. He studied his list for a minute. "Yeah, I think I'll have Trakeenah and Dillon as a couple."
Trakeenah looked at Dillon. "Well, you're no Villamax, but you'll do as my new head henchman."
"Really?" asked Dillon as he nonchalantly leaned against Zordon's tube. "I'm not so sure about that."
"Ha ha ha! Foolish human," said Trakeenah. "Do you think you can ever rule over me? My father was the ever feared Scorpius."
Dillon gave a yawn as he picked some lint off his t-shirt. "Can't be that scary if someone managed to stomp him out."
"Aaaaaaahhhh!" screamed Trakeenah as she changed into her more bug-like form. "You little nothing! I will destroy you!"
"You know," said Dillon as he finally looked at Trakeenah. "You remind me of my sister. Hey, Sis, can I borrow a couple of bucks to fix my car? I'll pay you back next week."
"Huh?" asked Trakeenah.
"Yeah, my sentiments exactly," commented Zordon. "Sophie, you and Rocky can go meet each other."
"Hi, I'm Sophie!" exclaimed the female SPD android. "I can't believe I actually get to have a boyfriend."
"Well, I can't believe I get to actually have a girlfriend," said Rocky. "I still can't figure out why I could never get a date."
"Aw, I can't see why either, you're kind of cute." She smiled at Rocky. "You know my parts are interchangeable. I can become whatever you fantasize. Perhaps a beautiful supermodel?"
Rocky grinned. "Really? Actually there is something that I want. Something that will really turn me on." He whispered in Sophie's ear.
"You…have…got…to…kidding…me," moaned Sophie as she pressed several buttons on her body and changed shaped.
"Whoooohoooo! That's it, Baby!"
"Now I know why no girl wanted to date you!" cried Pachinko-Sophie as Rocky played happily on her.
"Some guys have all the fun," Zordon sighed. "Now, let's see who's next," he consulted his list again. "Delphine and Hicks…oh great," he moaned as the corporal approached with his gun aimed at the tube, "looks like he's a hybrid again."
"I will take care of that," announced Delphine in her watery voice. She moved her arms and caused a wave of water to knock Hicks over.
"Once again I have proven why we so-called 'Alien' Rangers are superior to you Earthers. I have rescued this poor weak human from his hybrid form."
"Who said I was a hybrid again?" snapped Hicks. "I was trying to get this big head to give me some powers." He began to sob. "It's not fair. I was around the RPM Rangers. I knew how to fight. But did I ever get offered any powers? No!"
"Well, hold on to that dream," said Zordon absentmindedly as he studied his list. "Who to pair up next…hmmmm…Oh, how about Leinbow…"
"Udonna, Udonna, Udonna, Udonna, Udonna…" Leinbow said as he watched his wife's face. He then leaned into his son who was standing next to him. "Do you think that'll be enough to keep your mom from killing me?"
"…and Rose?" continued Zordon.
Leinbow gave a sigh and walked up. "You do know I'm a married man, right?"
"That will just make the fanfictions with you two as a couple all the more fascinating," replied Zordon.
"You know," said Rose as she walked around Leinbow as she studied him. "You could be the subject of my next doctoral dissertation. 'The Effects of Isotope and Barium Waves on the Basal Ganglia and Thyroid Glands of Individuals who have Demonstrated Antisocial and Aggressive Behaviors due to being under the Influence of Ancient Evil Beings."
"Then again, maybe not," yawned Zordon. "Before I doze off, I'd better call up Ally and Mike from the Samurai team. Really? Don't you guys even have last names?"
"Sure we do," replied Mike. "But we're not telling Jayden until he tells us his secret. So," he continued as he sidled up to Ally. "You're going to be my woman. Awesome."
"Can we hurry up with this?" asked Ally. "Not all of us have the time to fool around looking for dates. People depend on the donations we collect."
"Like the jerk I gave my new bike to? Last I heard he used it as a getaway vehicle when he robbed a jewelry store."
"Wow, that's too bad. But I think it's wonderful that you were so generous." Ally smiled at Mike. "Tell you what, why don't you strip off your clothes, close your eyes, and I'll have a big surprise for you."
"Sure thing!" Mike exclaimed excitedly. He did as he was told, leaving on his underclothes as there was a roomful of people gawking at him. "Okay, where's my surprise?"
"Thanks for the donation!" cried Ally as she ran out of the Chamber.
"Wha…hey!" yelled Mike as he chased after her in his boxers. "Give those back!"
"No comment," said Zordon shaking his head. "For my next pairing, Max, go get Kira."
"Hi there!" exclaimed Max as he ran up to the girl who was sitting on a console and strumming a guitar. "Oh wow, I can't believe I'm actually getting a girlfriend. I mean none of the girls in Turtle Cove ever wanted to date me. I don't know why though. Oh, I'm Max by the way. Danny, he's my best friend you know…Danny had a girlfriend. She was some flower loving chick and all he did was hang around with her. I mean me and him were supposed to be bestest buddies. I even got mad and ended up in a gigantic bell and that was a big headache. But that's okay because I blackmailed Danny into going with me instead of her on a world tour after we beat Master Org. Do you know he actually enjoys putting on wedding dresses and having tea parties with Alyssa's old doll collection?" Max took a breath. "So, do you like bowling?"
Kira looked up at him as she kept strumming. "Wow, you're more annoying than Conner. I've even come up with the perfect song for you."
"Really?" asked Max who was bouncing on his feet in excitement.
"Oh….I met a boy who thinks he is my dream. But he is such a loser that he make me want to scream….AAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY YEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" Kira smirked in satisfaction at the sight of Max plastered against the wall with his eyes bulged out. "So glad I got to keep my Ptera scream."
"Thanks for the heads up, Kira," said Zordon as he and all the others pulled out their earplugs.
To be continued