Disclaimer: I don't own Power Rangers. If I did there would have been 50 episodes for each season to allow for better character development. And there would be fewer Zord fights.
Wow, it's been over two years since I updated. So here is the final part.
Please remember that (with one exception at the end) these are completely random pairings. My only rule is that I can't repeat a pairing used in the first two versions. Reviews are more than welcome.
The Dumbest Romance Story Ever Told: Final Attempt
Eileen (Psycho Tangerine)
"Wow," said Zordon, "this is taking much longer than I expected. Anyway, we'd better continue… and fast!" He flicked off the radio in his tube that had been issuing a special report on the angels who were blocking traffic and disrupting citizens in their search for Zordon. "Ethan you can go out with Camille."
Camille stepped up. "I don't know who you are," she told Ethan as she turned into her chameleon form. "But you'd better treat me nicer that that last nitwit who kept ordering me to get towels for him all day long."
"Awesome!" cried Ethan as he stared at Camille. He pressed some keys on the souped-up laptop he was carrying. "Now you can defeat the super evil insect army in this game for me!"
Camille cried in protest as she disappeared and then reappeared on his laptop screen.
"Well, someone sure has been improving his genius skills...for gaming at least." Zordon turned a page. "Okay, Leo…"
"Not a ghost girl, not a ghost girl, not a ghost girl…" Leo recited over and over. "What?" he asked as he saw the stares from the remaining candidates. "You try getting a good night's sleep with someone constantly floating over you and nagging about some stupid dead houseplants."
"Well, good news, Leo. She's not a ghost girl. You get Nikki!"
"That's Necrolai!" announced Nikki who had transformed into her former image. "I must have been insane to give my powers up for some hippie who thinks it's still the nineteen-seventies." She turned to Leo. "How would you like to be my co-vampire, Lover Boy?"
Leo gasped and then shrugged. "Why not?" he replied as Necrolai led him away. "Maybe this will make me the most powerful Red Ranger of all."
Zordon winced. "Guess some other mentor can train his team to deal with that. Let's continue, shall we? Kim and Wes, you two should make a cute couple."
"Do you have a boyfriend that looks exactly like one that you are pining for?" Wes asked Kim tentatively as he approached her.
"Hah," replied Kim. "Why would I pine for…oh Tommy!" she wailed. "I'm sorry I wrote that letter but uh…I got pregnant with your quintuplets... and I got recruited to lead a whole new galaxy as their head ranger… and Kat wrote it in my handwriting…and I fell for Lord Zedd and ran away with him...and…"
"Are you from this year?" Wes asked quickly to stop Kim's babbling.
"Yeah, that's a dumb question."
"Oh good!" sighed Wes in relief. "I want a relationship that can actually work."
"Yeah, whatever you say," replied Kim as she shoved the 'Dear Wes' letter she had already begun writing into her shorts pocket.
"Next up," announced Zordon. "We have Will and Maya."
"Oh, my lovely one," said Will as Maya swung towards him on her ever present vine. "I shall obtain for you all the jewels and trinkets your heart desires."
"I have no need of material things," said Maya. "The jungles of Mirinoi provide me all I need."
"Not even this nice clean dress?" Will asked holding it out.
"You mean I can have a new one?" asked Maya excitedly. "Why didn't anyone tell me I could get rid of this stinky old thing? Come on, I'll need a matching set of pearls to go with this outfit!" She grabbed Will and swung away on her vine with him.
"I guess anyone can be bought nowadays," said Zordon as he shook his bald head. He scanned his dwindling list. "Cassie, go give your new snookie, Eric, a big hug."
"Touch me," said Eric grimly as Cassie ran up to him, "and I will sic my Quantasaurus Rex on you. I work alone!"
"Oh, really?" asked Cassie in a pleasant voice. "Then how about a love ballad instead? Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion! Confusion..."
"Ahhhhh!" screamed Eric as he ran away with his ears covered. "That's worse than Mr. Collins doing karaoke that time he got drunk at Bio Lab's holiday party!"
"Okay, moving on, Zhane…Summer, just go ahead and meet."
"Finally! I'll get some use out of this thing!" exclaimed Summer as she strolled up in a now worn out and stained wedding dress. "A certain former fiancé needed to learn the hard way this is not a car washing rag!"
"Summer, huh?" asked Zhane. "Where were you when I needed thawing out? Do you know what it's like to be frozen and overhear your so-called best friend ask Deca for ways to weld your silver morpher with his red one? Anyway," he raised his arm and lightning struck the tuxedo he just happened to be wearing, making it all dirty and burnt. "Now we match! Let's go find a preacher!" He and Summer skipped off happily hand in hand.
"Yay! Finally a success! Oh, Phantom, I know you're here somewhere!"
"Indeed, Zordon," said the Phantom Ranger nervously as he became visible. "I was only..."
"You were only looking for the Zeo crystals to add to your ruby's power," growled Zordon. "Stop that and go be with Adelle."
"Here have some fries on the house," said Adelle as she handed a small basket to Phantom.
"Thanks!" said Phantom as he began shoving fries against his helmet. "Hm, this just doesn't seem right."
"I can be your pink ranger for you," said Adelle as she sidled up to him.
"Really?" asked Phantom as he finally remembered to remove his helmet. "I never did get the number of the last one who obsessed over me."
"Ernie!" gasped Adelle and everyone else.
"Well, that explains that phony Amazon story," commented Zordon as the two went off to discuss business mergers. "Phineas, you're next."
"I can't wait to meet her," exclaimed the troblin as he popped up from behind Alpha. "I even saved some of my favorite toe fungus scrapings for her."
"Share that lovely sentiment with Vida."
"Why me?" groaned Vida as she stomped up to the front. "Can't I at least get someone more human?"
"No exchanges!" declared Zordon.
"We can cuddle up in my cozy mildewed cave and talk about our favorite kinds of slugs."
"How about if we don't," replied Vida as she slammed a pair of earphones over Phineas' head.
The troblin's eyes widened. "My darling, why don't we do dinner at that new four star restaurant in Silver Hills? We can discuss a trip to Fiji over appetizers. My treat of course. And I must say that pink hair of yours is just ravishing."
"My mind control cd works perfectly," said Vida with a grin as Phineas offered his arm to her.
Three seconds later, the others were stifling giggles as they saw Phineas open up his box of toe fungus and dump it on her head. "Sorry, Babe," he said as Vida grimaced in disgust, "mind control doesn't work on troblins."
"Anyone have air freshener on them?" asked Zordon. "No? Maybe I should have had windows installed in this place after all. Joel, go see Kendall."
"The Sky Cowboy is at your service," said Joel as he tipped his hat. "I hope you enjoy flying more than a certain shrew who didn't appreciate my airplane stunts. How was I supposed to know all her expensive lab equipment would break from just a few loop de loops?"
"Are you kidding?" asked Kendall excitedly. "I'll finally get to take that trip to Europe I was promised. What kind of idiot leaves his girlfriend stranded at the airport anyway? Good thing the Hare Krishnas let me distribute flowers with them."
"That worked out fine," said Zordon. He scratched more names off. "Now let's have Andros date Dana."
Dana walked up to Andros. "Hey! Aren't you that jerk who sued me for malpractice last year?"
"Well, aren't you the quack who diagnosed me with 'stripey head disease' when I went to you with a head cold?" retorted Andros.
"Yeah well, at least I didn't drop the ball and lose my sister!"
"Oh, really? I'm not the one who had her brother dropped just to be daddy's little girl!"
"That's it!" they both yelled and then jumped at each other and began punching and kicking.
"Well, that's one way to get together, I guess," said Zordon as dust rose up from the two rangers who were now rolling on the ground and using choke holds on each other. "Let's see…uh...Antonio and…I guess Vasquez. Don't you have a first name? Sheesh."
Antonio stepped up to Vasquez with his hands behind his back. "Mi Amor, I wanted our meeting to be memorable. I got you something very romantic."
"Ooh, flowers? Candy?" asked Vasquez excitedly.
"No, better," teased Antonio.
"The Colonel stripes ripped off Truman's jacket?" she sneered. "Can you believe he actually sued me for what I did as a hybrid?"
"Uh no," replied Antonio a little hesitantly. "Here!" He shoved a bouquet made of putrefying fish at her.
"Be still my beating heart," Vasquez quipped sarcastically as she pinched her nose and backed away from Antonio.
"Get those disgusting things out of here!" commanded Zordon. And will someone please find some industrial strength air freshener!" He shook his head with a sigh. "My next pairing will be Shane…"
"Whoohoo!" shouted Shane as he skateboarded up and over the side of Zordon's tube. "Ohhh," he moaned in pain as he wiped out on the landing.
"This is NOT a ramp!" boomed Zordon. "Emily, go help your new boyfriend."
"Oh, I am so sorry," said Emily apologetically as she approached Shane who was now brushing himself off. "You must have caught my clumsiness. Let me help you."
"What are you talking about?" asked Shane. "You didn't…I mean, ohhhhhh my back. Can you massage it? Please?"
"Sure," said Emily. As soon as Shane turned his back to her, she put on her dark wig.
"Ayyyyiiii!" cried Shane as bags of frozen vegetables were thrown on his back. "What the?"
"Atten-hut!" yelled Emily. "Get up you lazy lump! Give me five hundred pushups! NOW!"
"Now, that's a woman in control," commented Zordon as the now cowed Shane began obeying. He skimmed his list. "I guess Detective Stone and Gemma will be compatible together."
"Hi!" called Gemma as she bounced up to Detective Stone. "Do you like rainbows and unicorns? We could draw pretty pictures in our journals, see?" She held up her crayoned drawings.
Stone narrowed his eyes. "Sorry, but I'm a busy detective. I have cases to solve, thefts…burglaries…kidnap…my poor chimps!" He broke down in tears. "Who took them? Poor things probably aren't even getting their daily requirement of bananas!"
"Do you like homemade explosives?" asked Gemma as she patted the crying man on the shoulder. "We can use them to threaten zoos and organ grinders until we find your pets."
"A girl after my own heart," replied Detective Stone.
"Let's continue," said Zordon as Stone and Gemma began looking up organ grinders on one of the computers. "Cole, you can go out with Cassidy."
Cole looked at Cassidy. "I suppose you want to do an exclusive report on the famous Red Ranger who destroyed Serpenterra and saved Earth."
"That would be wonderful," gushed Cassidy. "But hasn't Tommy already left? Or do you mean Jason?"
Cole snorted. "Those two? I'm the one who piloted the Wild Force Rider into the maws of that beast and blew it up!"
"And there you have it, folks," said Cassidy into the microphone she was now holding. "The so-called lover of all living things, Red Ranger Cole Evans, has admitted to the cruel and vicious destruction of a giant beast."
"What?" sputtered Cole. "No, it wasn't alive. Hey!" he shouted as he chased Cassidy. "Erase that tape or I'll sue!"
"No comment," mumbled Zordon as the microphone was shoved against his tube. "Let's keep going. T.J. and Toxica, you're next."
"Why must I date a human?" complained Toxica as she appeared in front of Zordon. "They're so ugly."
"Sorry," said Zordon, "but clown fetishes are just creepy."
"Whoa!" said T.J. as he approached and stared at her horn. "What are you? Some kind of alien unicorn?"
"I'll show you alien unicorn!" shouted Toxica as she lowered her head and began to chase T.J. around the chamber.
"This is weirder than that time I got baked into a pizza!" called T.J. as he ran from Toxica. "Want to hear about…"
"No!" cried Zordon, Alpha, and the remaining individuals.
Zordon looked at the others. "Cestria, go date Cam, and hurry!" he cried as T.J. began reciting the pizza toppings.
"Do you have waterproof computers on Aquitar?" asked Cam as he approached Cestria. "Never mind, I can just invent one if you don't."
"Oh, lovely," groaned Cestria. "Another geeky nerd to bore me to death. I suppose you're going to cry nonstop about Rangers and decrepit bald mentors that don't appreciate your genius."
"Actually," said Cam over the growls coming from the tube. "I could just use my genius to reprogram the Battlezords to take over Aquitar and then to attack the beaches, skate parks, and especially the motocross tracks of Blue Bay Harbor. No more 'dude' this and 'dude' that!"
"Oh! Can I be Queen of Aquitar?" Cestria squealed excitedly. "For once I'd be looked up to rather than that stupid Delphine!"
"Sure," mumbled Cam as he began downloading the schematics for the Battlezords from one of the computers. "You can rule over all the fish and crabs you want."
"That was just pointless," said Zordon. "Now we shall see what happens when Ziggy and Dulcea become a couple."
"You know, Zordon" said Ziggy casually as he leaned against the tube. "I hope she fits into my very important standards."
"Nerdy girls with bad haircuts?" asked Zordon.
"Zordon!" cried Dulcea as she stomped up in her green bikini. "How dare you pluck me off of Phaedos!"
"Oh, Baby!" cried Ziggy. He jumped into Dulcea's arms. "Take me home and I can give you a shadow puppet show every night."
"You know, you are kind of cute," Dulcea said. "What else can you do?"
"This!" replied Ziggy. He concentrated and then transported…head first into a recycling chute. "Oh, not again," he groaned.
"Oh, perfect," said Dulcea, who then transformed into her owl form and began pecking at the trapped Green RPM Ranger's butt.
"Miratrix!" shouted Zordon over Ziggy's pleas for mercy, "you get the pleasure of being Merrick's girlfriend!"
"Ooh, another gullible man for me to trick," said Miratrix as she rubbed her hands together. She then noticed the glares from the remaining males. "What? It's true isn't it?" She grinned as the females nodded.
"Well, you shall not trick me," announced Merrick as he stepped forward. "I am aware of your feminine wiles and am not as easy to fool as a hyperactive stuntman."
"Phhhh," sputtered Zen-Aku as he made himself visible. "All I had to do to get you to put on my mask was leave some candy in it."
"Hey!" cried Merrick. "That was supposed to be our secret! What kind of friend…oooh, thanks," he said as he took the lollipop Miratrix offered him and walked away with her.
Zordon rolled his eyes. "So glad there's only a few more." He consulted his list yet again. "Seems it's Dayu and Master Ji this time."
"Do you really expect me to date one of the enemies my team has been fighting?" Ji asked Zordon. "I find that most dishonorable."
"Don't knock it 'til you try it," retorted Zordon. "Just watch your eyes around the pointy cone boobs."
"Perhaps one of my songs will make you happy," said Dayu. She then proceeded to play her Harmonium.
"I have something that sounds even better than that depressing song!" cried Ji. He hopped on his motorcycle and began revving the engine loudly.
"How did that motorcycle get in here?" Zordon yelled over the noise.
"Oh, you must be an even badder boy than Dekker," squealed Dayu. She jumped on behind Ji and they raced out the Power Chamber by crashing through a wall.
"Expect a bill from me!" Zordon called after them. "Who's next? Ah, I see. The remaining Mike and Kat are the next lucky couple."
"So," began Mike as he walked up to Kat who was typing on one of the computers. "What are you into? Sports? The military? Kitty litter? Plotting revenge on little brothers who let you fall into a giant chasm?"
"You let go of the saber!" Leo's voice called from the dark corner he was hiding in with Necrolai.
"Actually, I am very busy right now," said Kat as she continued to type. "There," she said as she pressed a key. Suddenly, she morphed into the Kat Ranger. "No more temporary powers for me. Now I'll be able to unite all the cats on Earth and train them to revolt against their owners!"
Mike gaped, then grinned. "Now, I really am in love," he sighed.
"Like what you see?" asked Kat with a purr.
"No, but you can get me back my Magna Defender powers!"
"Forget that!" called Magna Defender's ghost as it appeared next to Zordon's tube. "I'm going to find someone who won't crush my poor Torozord in a stupid space hole!"
"Aw, too bad," Zordon said as the Kat Ranger sent a dejected Mike away to buy enough Meow Mix to feed her potential army. "Maybe Lauren will have more luck with Spencer."
"Really, Sir," the aging butler said to Zordon. "What makes you think it appropriate for me to date one of those young female rangers? The last thing my contemporaries at the Butler Society need to see is me with some giggly pink clad girl on my arm. How undignified."
"Pink?" asked Lauren, "Ha! My father tried to assign me the Pink Ranger powers when I was three years old. I bit and kicked him until he made me the Red Ranger. Then I forced my dumb brother to cover for me while I took a twelve year leave to visit all the beaches…I mean train to make that sealing symbol, she quickly finished.
A shocked "What?" came from Jayden somewhere in the Power Chamber.
"Oh, as if it would take me that long to learn a stupid symbol."
"A Red Ranger?" asked Spencer. "My, that is impressive. Perhaps we can discuss things over a nice quiet dinner. I'll make lemonade."
"Yeah, I don't think so, Gramps," replied Lauren dismissively. She looked to Zordon. "What does it take to get one of those hot...?"
"Oh baby!" Lauren jumped onto the arms of the cute looking guy who had just appeared before her. "Take me away!"
"And Mr. Hartford says my disguise collection has no use outside of helping the Rangers," said Spencer.
"Well that was strange," mumbled Zordon, "but what isn't here? For our next couple, it's Fred and Morgana."
"Mora!" cried the young girl as she skipped over. "That lousy Grumm finally made me into a little girl again! Now I can have all the tea parties I want and play with Cindy Sunshine every day!"
"Awesome!" shouted Fred as he ran over. "I thought I was going to get stuck with some dumb boring grownup."
It's great being young!" agreed Mora. "I can ride piggy back on all the monsters that come to life after I draw them."
"Well, I'm going to tell you all the stories about my dad the fire fighter. Then I'm going to tell you about how I single-handedly saved Angel Grove from Ivan Ooze's giant insect robots while the Rangers were busy roller-skating in the construction site. Then I'm going to explain in minute detail why I should have been the Gold Ranger rather than that Jason jerk. Then I'm going to talk about how the Rangers betrayed me again by putting that stupid Justin on their team. Then I'm…"
"Ahhhhhh!" screamed Mora as she covered her ears and backed away. "Grumm!" she called into the air, "you're a smelly one-horned freak that secretly loves blue dogs!"
"At least I won't have to deal with that annoying boy," sighed the now adult Morgana as she walked away.
"Yeah!" cried Fred as he followed her. "I got me a woman!"
"They grow up so fast," sighed Zordon. "Wow this list is getting really short. This time it will be Udonna and… Jason! Stop bench pressing Alpha and get over here!"
"Yeah! About time!" called Jason as he jumped up and tossed Alpha aside. "I thought you were going to just leave me behind like you did when you gave that attention hog my leadership role and then bribed that committee in Geneva to take me. What that bunch of peaceniks need with a thousand Alpha units is beyond me."
"Hmmm, not as handsome as my Leinbow, but you'll do," said Udonna.
"Not as…" sputtered Jason. "Look who's talking. You're old enough to be my mother."
"Do you have a past as cursed warrior fighting on the side of our enemies?" asked Udonna as she sidled up to him.
"Why do even the old hags want Tommy?" groaned Jason in frustration.
"Do you believe in magic?" asked Udonna as pulled out her wand and waved it.
"What kind of question is…?" Poof! "Arf, Arf!" cried Jason the beagle as Udonna bent down to hug him and put on a leash.
"And they called it puppy love," sighed Zordon. "Oh, finally!" he announced looking at the last two waiting.
"Yeah, thanks a lot, Zordon," grumbled Divatox. "Guess I turned into too much of a goody two-shoes from that damned wave of yours. Well no more! I'm back to being a pirate and getting what I want." She looked over to the Sentinel Knight. "At least you provided me someone with power enough to assist me in raiding worlds for their treasures."
"Zordon! It is an honor to meet you at last!" announced the Sentinel Knight.
"Some people will go to any length to meet me," said Zordon. "Take off that silly disguise, you may have fooled some of the Rangers, but enough is enough."
"Whew!" said Chip as he pulled of the Sentinel Knight helmet. "It was getting stuffy in there. But it was worth it to meet all those Rangers and get their autographs. Who knew getting to be a knight could be so awesome?" He began to jump around swinging an imaginary sword. "And now, I get to be a pirate!"
"Uh, isn't there anyone else, Zordon?" asked Divatox in a pleading voice.
"No, he's all yours."
"We can sail the high seas and plunder and keelhaul and…oh, a parrot! A parrot would be terrific! Hey! I know someone who got possessed by a pirate once, maybe she's still got that eyepatch…"
"Why me?" groaned Divatox as she ran out of the Power Chamber with an overexcited babbling Chip running after her.
"At last," sighed Zordon. "Now all I have to do is...Hey!" he cried. "What are you doing in here? Alpha! I thought you put up a 'no angel' barrier!"
"Ay yi yi, and I thought you were going to give me a raise. Guess we both forgot our promises," replied Alpha 5.
"What? You're a robot. You don't get…No! Let me go! Let go! You'll all be hearing from my lawyer!" cried Zordon as he was dragged back to Heaven.
"Ay yi yi, finally," said Alpha. He grabbed his suitcase. "Las Vegas, here I come! I do hope that cute slot machine still works there." With that he teleported out of the Power Chamber.
The en… Wham! The door to the Power Chamber slammed open.
"Hello?" asked Captain Mutiny as he stepped into the room. "Are we too late for this party? Imagine, that bald headed jerk not inviting us."
"I told you we should've come earlier if we were going to crash it," said Hexuba. "And I was really hoping to get a boyfriend to test my spells on."
"Well, we would've been here sooner if I hadn't spent the past four hours vomiting up that concoction you call a stew!"
"Nothing wrong with my stew," retorted Hexuba. You just can't hold down your grog. Some pirate you are."
"My little toe could conjure up better spells than you!" shouted Captain Mutiny!
"I bet you couldn't even make a flea walk a plank!"
They leaned into each other's faces.
"Useless ugly witch!"
"Fat piece of scum!"
They leaned closer.
"Smelly old bat!"
"Grimy toad face!"
They looked into each other's eyes and then…
"Nah!" they both said as they turned around and left the Power Chamber.
AN: The last pairing was requested by Rjoy11. I didn't plan on taking requests, but as Hexuba and Captain Mutiny hadn't been used in the story, I was able to do it.