The Toad vs. The Devil

Summary: What would happen if Ablus gave Umbridge to Voldemort to get her out of his hair? Crack Fic

Authors Note: Please note that this is not supposed to be taken seriously. Just sit back and enjoy. Also, to the fantastic people of 'The Teacher's Forum', thank you for helping me out.

I don't own anything.

Voldemort destroyed his locket when she brought in the Elfin Safety Organization. Yeah, it pained him to do so.

But remorse comes a whole lot faster when you're forced to fill out a form whenever you kill someone, or even hit them with the Torture Curse.

It all started when a strange human shaped package appeared on the doorsteps of Malfoy-Manor one day. Rookwood had attempted to open it, but had been quickly scolded and cursed by him. No one reads the Dark Lord's mail without his permission.

He had opened it like a kid on Christmas Morning and had found one Dolores Umbridge, bound and gagged in Duct Tape, with a note on her head that read 'Dear Tom, perhaps you can find more use of this creature than I ever will. -Albus'.

He had burned the note for mentioning his real name, and had marked the Toad on the spot, deciding to let Dolohov train her in the Death Eater ways. After all, Dolohov was his Left Hand Man and the guy who taught all the Noobs.

About two days later thought, Dolohov was found dead, with his head stuffed in the Loo. It was later determined that he had killed himself.

So, he reassigned the Toad to Rabastan. He was later found hanging from his bedroom, his neck in a noose. It had taken both Bellatrix and Snape to keep Rodolphus from turning his wand on himself.

So, naturally Voldemort decided that he'd train her himself. That was his mistake. Soon, she had started to organize everything. At first, he had felt it'd be good for his Organization if they had stability, so he gave her an inch.

Instead the bitch took a mile, and started to make them fill out paperwork. They even had to get proper Safety gear! Worse yet, he had to invest in boots.

So, he sent both Bellatrix and Rodolphus to kill her. About 5 hours later, they showed back up at his throne room, traumatized, declaring that they'd rather commit mutiny and join the Order than go anywhere near the disgusting creature they had been sent to kill again.

AND then came this afternoon's incident.


"Now, it's time to kill that Potter boy!" yelled out Voldemort, smiling wickedly.

"Oh no it isn't, Mr. Dark Lord. First you must fill the TPS reports, as well as the legal wavviers. As well, Mrs. And Mr. Lestrange have to fill out their cover letters for the reports on the Longbottom incident." said the Toad, grinning evilly as she laid the dreaded Paper-Work Dragon on his desk.

"But…but…" stammered the Dark Lord.

"No 'buts'. It is, after all, required paperwork for any aspiring Dark Lord."


The Cup. Definitely the Cup next.

After that incident, Voldemort had realized that he needed to do something that would rid the world of her forever.

So he stunned the bitch and used the Floo to get to the Headmaster's office.


Albus looked up from the paper as Lord Voldemort burst through his Fire-place in all of his evil glory, carrying an unconscious Dolores Umbridge in his arms.

"Old man, Take her back!" demanded Voldemort as he ran over and dropped the toad on his desk.

"Oh no, Tom. You keep her. You know I can never take a gift back!" replied Albus as he picked the woman up and forced her back in Voldemort's hands.

"I insist Old man!" yelled Voldemort, attempting to give the bitch back.

"Do I have a say in this?" asked Umbridge.

"NO!" yelled both Voldemort and Dumbledore together at the same time, before Voldemort stunned her again.

"Desperate times call for desperate measures Tom. Truce?" asked Albus, extending his hand to Voldemort's.

Voldemort stared him in the eyes and shook it, while saying, "Until we get rid of this…this…thing."

"Do you happen to have a Basilisk?"

"Yes. No, she wouldn't eat the Toad. I already tried."

Five Hours Later

"So how did you finally get rid of her, Milord?" asked Basil Mulciber as Voldemort took a seat in his office.

"Me and the Old Man just decided to give her to Fluffy, the Three Headed Dog that Oaf Hagrid keeps in the Forest. Now get out of my office!" yelled Voldemort.

So what do you think? Good? Bad? Ugly? Needs work?