16Written for the Darcy Lewis iPod Challenge. See the playlist here: sunteaflower. tumblr (dot com) post/30977344943/just-take-a-look-at-us-we-are-headed-for-a-fall
Darcy is Darcy and Bruce is Bruce and they aren't Darcy & Bruce, which makes Tony unhappy
Darcy's first impression of Bruce isn't a charitable one. But really, having Tony literally throw someone at you with a "have at it," is not a good foundation. Especially since her first impression was that she was supposed to be a quick lay.
Darcy doesn't do bang-em-and-leave-ems. Unless, you know, she's really drunk. Or having a shit week. Or she's just been dumped and needs a self-esteem boost. And so yeah, that whole list is why, the next day, she marches back into the lab and ignores Tony all together. Because Tony doesn't quite understand how to be a good friend yet, even though he's trying; and so she figures that maybe scruffy-hair-holy-shit-it's-everywhere is having a shit time, and Tony's half-assed reasoning is to just throw him at the nearest woman and hope for the best.
And really, she can't judge, because she'd tried it with Jane during her first week of interning (Jane really, really, needed to get over Dr. Asshole-With-The-Nice-Smile, or Darcy was going to go insane and Jane was going to start adopting cats. Luckily Thor had fallen from the sky and she hadn't needed to stage an intervention.)
So she goes into the lab, stares really hard at him, and thinks 'yeah, okay, he's not going to be a problem, I can work here without maiming anyone.' Because he's fidgeting and trying not to look at her; and he doesn't even once look at her boobs or her ass or her legs. Even though she's purposefully worn an outfit that made even Pepper give her the considering side-eye. She'd wanted to see if he was actually looking for an assistant, or if Tony had simply hired her to try and give his social-recluse friend an easy sexcapade. Which, really, Tony could have still tried to do- and if that was the case she'd tase his balls off- but it seemed Bruce really wasn't interested. Which was a relief.
Bruce is more of a problem than Darcy thought
She's not going to give up on this lab-assistant gig, even if her boss keeps trying get her to leave. It's kind of insulting- even more than Tony thinking she's easy, actually.
Bruce is all "you're not really qualified for this," and "most of the work I can do myself," in the beginning. Which, okay, yeah, that's all true. But dammit, if she found ways to help Jane, she was going to find ways to help him. And so she did, and his excuses suddenly changed.
"These chemicals are dangerous- everything in this room is dangerous. You really don't have the clearance to be working with any of these experiments." Every. Freaking. Day. And just, oh my god shut up Bruce.
Apparently that's something she's said out loud, because he looks like he's swallowed his tongue and doesn't argue when she snaps on her gloves and moves to help him measure out the juices in the beaker.
"Not juices, Darcy," he mumbles, but stops trying to tell her she can't handle the acids, and that she shouldn't be filing his reports because she does have high enough clearance to know what his experiments are and other small nit-picky things.
"People will try to use you. You could get hurt, people will think you have more knowledge about what I-" he stumbles to a stop like he's accidentally said something disgusting, and then continues, "about what I'm working on," he finishes, in a tone that makes it clear to Darcy that this isn't what he'd originally planned on saying.
"Ok. What the hell do you have against me? Is this because Tony hired me? Did you want to pick out your own Lab Lackey or something? Or do you think I'm just not smart enough to keep up with you? I worked for Jane Foster, you arrogant ass, and I kept up with her just fine," and, now that she's said it, it sounds kind of dirty. Which, of course, means she has to bite back her gut-reaction leer and follow-up quip, because dammit she's trying to be serious here.
"I- what?" Bruce is an articulate bastard, Darcy thinks, and tries not to preen when it's obvious that's all he can really think to say.
"I'm going to take today off, let you stew in how much it totally sucks to not have an assistant as kick-ass as me, and then I'll be back tomorrow. I expect an apology, and for you to stop trying to get rid of me. Helpful tip for just in case you still can't make words for an apology tomorrow: I like sugar cookies with pink frosting, and Lemonheads." She pierces him with a withering stare that her mother taught her when she first started dating, and then leaves the room in quiet. She learned early on that leaving quietly always has an eery quality that makes people think your anger is the quiet kind. The kind that boils and seethes until you lace their coffee with poison one day, and they'll never know exactly why.
It's the kind of exit she likes to make.
Turns out, her boss: totally the Hulk. Which explains why he was trying to get rid of her. Doesn't explain the cookie sitting neatly at her desk the next morning, though- because really, he doesn't have much to apologize for now, does he? Darcy feels kind of like an ass.
It happens like this: she's entering into the lab, as stealthily as she can wearing her ass-kicking heels (total misnomer, they're only ass-kicking in that she feels like she has the potential to gouge out someone's eye whenever she wears them. Really she can't do much more than balance while she walks, and stand really really still when she's in them). It's not until she's set down her bag, smiled slightly at the cookie, and turned to the glass doors that lead to the 'make-explosions-and-also-maybe-help-the-world' section of the lab, that she notices Bruce is standing there.
With another man, who's holding a gun. Awesome. Tony will hear about this, really. This is the worst security breach ever- this is the goddamned Avengers Tower, and there's a man with a gun in Bruce's lab. Tony's a dick.
The man's gun fires unexpectedly, since that's just how her life is, and Bruce isn't Bruce anymore. He's Hulk and he's mad, and there's no longer the man with the gun. There's also no longer awesome sciencing equipment, nor glass in the doors.
So really, after all's said and done and Bruce is Bruce again, Darcy can't figure out why he didn't just tell her instead of trying to get her to leave. And why he thinks he needs to apologize for genuinely fearing for her safety. Apologize for not allowing her the option to leave of her own free will as apposed to trying to force her to leave, yes.
Which is what she tells him as she splits the cookie in half, forcing one of the sides into his hands.
"So are you going to be in tomorrow? Like, does going all Hulk-sized and smashy take a lot out of you? Does S.H.I.E.L.D. even have a protocol for post-Hulk sick days? Dude, stop ruining that cookie and eat it, or so help me I will force you to buy me another one," she adds to the end, because he's just tearing off small hunks and squishing them between his fingers.
He looks at her like she's crazy- but his 'you're crazy' look isn't spiteful or judgmental or condemning (she's had a lot of practice with the 'you're crazy' look). It's more of a 'what the hell just happened and why are you still here for the aftermath?' kind of look (she's had a lot of practice with the 'you're crazy' look, okay?).
"Uh. I don't- you. You won't be coming in tomorrow?" She thinks it's a question, but she's not all the way sure, and so she does what she does best- talk until she's interrupted.
"Oh. Because Tony's going to have to go through the security measures before we're allowed back in to play with science? Or because they're having trouble finding a spare lab until yours is fixed? Or because you won't be here tomorrow and so I won't really have anything to do? Pick your poison, Doc."
"Uh- because I'm the Hulk?" He scratches the back of his head, pulls his blanket in a closer (why he's still wearing it she's not sure, he's wearing clothes now, jesus), and stuffs a cookie into his mouth before he can say anything else. Darcy knows the 'oh God I need to stop talking now, here let me shove food into my mouth to stop myself,' look too.
"Look. Boss. I've got nowhere else to go," Darcy starts, because she doesn't want him getting the wrong idea and thinking she's some saint who is completely unbothered by Hulk. "Let me lay this down for you, ok? I've been working for you for a month now, and in that time your only freak-out was when you were shot at. Not when I accidentally deleted your data for that apparently super-important experiment. Not when I came in the second day wearing an outfit that screamed 'look at me.' Not when I almost set your hair on fire. Dude, I can't even work for Coulson. I got kicked out of Coulson's office on the second week. He's got the world's best poker face and I broke him. So, if you've been able to keep from completely hating me so far, I'm not leaving."
Darcy is actually sort of in trouble
Huh. Well. That's unexpected.
She's been coming in to the lab every day for the better part of four months, and never once noticed how totally amazing Bruce's arms are. She's not sure what's changed about today, since he's wearing the same shirt as he was yesterday, and Darcy's definitely had eight hours of sleep.
Bruce holds his hand out expectantly, and Darcy knows what he wants. Before him she worked for Jane (well, before him there was Coulson, and then some agent named Monroe. Then Jane) and so she's gotten fluent in not-talking-scientist-speak.
Eh, mostly fluent. He either wants his day-old coffee cup (filled to the brim with delicious air) or the wrench sitting next to his elbow. She tosses him his wrench, which gets an undignified squeak out of him, and grabs for his cup.
"Unsafe," he mutters, as Darcy fills his cup with tea.
"Yeah, well next time use your words like a big boy and I won't toss things in the lab," she replies as she sets his cup down just out of reach. Safe from his tendency to not pay attention to things like sustenance and accidentally spill them all over the counter.
He shakes his head a hides a smile in his microscope, and why he needed a wrench if he was looking at things too small to see she doesn't know.
She's diligently ignored his wonderful arms all day, and it's as she's leaving to get them lunch that she notices- well, shit, his chin is kind of cute too. And damn. She's added a 'too' to the end of that sentence, which means she's been thinking about his stupid nose and how his left thumb is a little crooked and how his hair is just a tad too long.
Darcy is really in a lot of trouble.
Tony's nomination for Dickhood is redacted, momentarily
Bruce, it seems, really doesn't like the idea of dating. Not that she's come right out and asked him, because she still works for him and she doesn't want it to get totally awkward. She doesn't have anywhere else to go, she keeps reminding herself every time she wants to just ask him already. But instead she decides to lay out hints. And then she goes for freaking boulder-sized 'I'm here why the hell are you not tapping this?' Because Bruce doesn't do subtle.
And he also doesn't do Darcy. She's going to go crazy waiting for him to ask her out- it's got to be him, so that she doesn't run the risk of royally fucking everything up and having to move to Alaska, where S.H.I.E.L.D. sends the people no one wants to socialize with.
She's also going to ruin her feet- seriously how does Pepper wear heels all day every day?
And possibly any amount of respect people have for her, since she's starting to get desperate. Really, really desperate, and she doesn't know how Bruce doesn't see it. And if he does see it, she doesn't know how he's so good at ignoring it.
It's about a month into her boulder-sized 'jesus christ just screw me already' hints, that Tony sends her an e-mail.
Thought you might like the song,
xoox,
Tony
The little shit. Like she's going to go anywhere near him after this song, let alone hug him, kiss him, or even thank him.
She puts Endangered Love on repeat and tries not to laugh when she gets a package later that night. "Manatee Lipstick," the note reads, and she spends the rest of the night giggling to herself and baking cookies while wearing her new lipstick and singing horrendously to Endangered Love. Fuck Tony, the bastard knows just how to make her feel better. And exactly how to get a batch of cookies.
There was never a happy beginning, so why did we expect a happy ending?
Bruce asks her out, and Darcy fully expects that to be a combination of Tony and Steve.
She laughs when he overcooks the lasagna, and he lets her choose what movie to watch. They enjoy themselves, and it continues on.
And on. And on. And on.
And Darcy knows he's holding back, that as she's telling him about growing up with just her mom and how she isn't sure where she's going in life, he's rolling with the waves. He's trying not to get too close, to always have that thread between them stay cut-able, in case he needs to run or she leaves or he thinks she's going to get hurt.
She doesn't know what to do about it, because really, these are things they need to talk about, but he just won't. She can't get him to understand that she's happy right now, and she doesn't want to go anywhere- but that she can't do this one sided relationship. It's not fair and it's not right, and he needs someone to talk to just as much as the next person.
She's not trying to get him to talk to her, not really- she doesn't want him to tell her all his darkest secrets and regrets and pains; she just wants him to know that he can. But he doesn't get that, refuses to see that she's actually there for him, that she wants to be there for him and that she's not planning on going anywhere.
Until one day she is.
Really, it was just a matter of time. She can only handle being with someone who doesn't love her back for so long.
That's what it is- him not loving her back. She can see it, now, six months into the relationship. She's known him for a little over a year, and in that time, somewhere where she wasn't paying attention to anything but whether S.H.I.E.L.D. would manage to get rid of her, she fell in love. But it's an acidic love, it's unhealthy and she wants to get out before she's eaten up.
You can only watch someone ignore you for so long. He doesn't look at her when she enters the room, he doesn't tell her he'll see her tomorrow or ask if it's ok for him to come over. She tries not to cry when she realizes that he's whispering apologies into her skin as they have sex. That's what it is. Sex, not love. You don't apologize to someone for loving them.
Steve is a great breakup buddy, and Tony has to get shit-faced for feelings
Darcy likes to bake when she's upset. She doesn't like to eat what she bakes, though, because when she gets upset her stomach does this thing where she can't tell if it's about to come up and out her mouth or if it's trying to tell her she's hungry.
So it's a good thing when Steve shows up at her door with a bag of ingredients and the explanation, "Jane sent me, she said you needed these?" He places the bag onto the counter and sits down, looking at her as if he doesn't know what to say but he's going to do his best to say something.
"Perfect. Stay here and eat my food." And that's all she has to say to get him to stay. She bakes two batches of cupcakes and is working on cookies before he finally figures out what to say.
"You'll be ok," when Steve says it there's no way for it to be untrue. The universe can't go against him, that's a scientifically proven fact; one she proved with a lot of fake (cringe-worthy) math and making a beaker explode. She wrote up a report and sent it in to Coulson and everything.
"Thanks. I think I'll have to bake a couple more batches of cookies first, though," and maybe some brownies. Those'll be for her, though. Tomorrow, when she doesn't want to throw up, and she's passed into the 'everything makes me cry' stage.
It's three days later, when she's finally baked herself out (of ingredients), that Tony stops by. She's kind of expecting him to be angry with her- Bruce is his science bro, and she totally gets the whole 'bros before hoes,' thing. Her and Jane have a long-standing agreement that's similar, only about Thor and not about hoes.
"I need a brownie. And a couch. And my Darcy," Tony announces, tripping into her room. She's never seen him quite this drunk, but she also tends to stay away from his more public parties. As she passes him a brownie, she idly wonders if she should call Pepper, and just when exactly she became his.
"So, Man Who Graciously Lets Me Stay In His Tower," Darcy starts, because she wants to see if he's too smashed to follow that sentence. He's not. "Why are you here," they share a look that clearly relates to Bruce, and then she adds, "and when did I become 'your Darcy'?" Since that seems to be an important thing to find out.
"Ever since," his hand waves, and it takes him a moment to realize it's the hand holding his brownie, "since- you know- I hired you because... Because Bruce is a good guy," he starts. She's not really sure where he's going with this, but if it ends up with her feeling like a long-term prostitute she's going to kill him.
"And. You know, you. You don't take bullshit," he takes a bite into his brownie, crumbs falling all over her couch. He's cleaning that up tomorrow when he's sober enough to do so; and depending on how this conversation ends, he might just be doing it hungover. "Bruce- he's got a lot of bullshit," he looks over at her, his eyes slightly glassy, and she's suddenly not sure if it's because of the booze or if it's because feelings.
Holy shit. Tony Stark got drunk because he doesn't know how to share his feelings. Darcy is an odd mixture of touched that he would A) want to talk to her about something that's troubling him and B) that he would go to the trouble of getting that drunk to do so. She's also really really sad that he's got to get drunk to do it. She'll vacuum her couch once he leaves.
"Yeah. I know he does, I found that out- you know, over the course of six months," she says, not acerbically but quietly and with deference to the fact that Bruce is Tony's friend, and that she still cares about Bruce (still loves him). Even when she can't handle him anymore.
"You were supposed to be able to knock that out of him!" Tony says, realizes that his brownie's gone, and tries to get up and grab another. Darcy does it for him. It's kind of pathetic watching a grown (Iron) man not be able to get off the couch.
It's quiet while he eats his second brownie.
"I tried. I can't do anything for a man who doesn't love me, Tony. I can't let myself live like that," she says, so quietly he might not hear it.
He looks at her, and he just keeps looking. His stare is still glassy-eyed, and he's got brownie crumbs in his beard and at the edges of his mouth; she's irrationally filled with the thought of him as a toddler.
"Darcy, he loves you so much. It's really sickening to watch, I can't- ugh, god," he falls off the couch and makes it to her potted plant before vomiting. Nice. He's cleaning that one up tomorrow.
She gives him a moment to calm down, and hands him a wet rag- toddler though he may seem, she is not cleaning him up. "Bruce doesn't even look at me. He doesn't tell me he's going to see me later, he doesn't tell me he likes me outfit, he doesn't make an effort to plan dates. He doesn't open up, which, I get it- his life totally sucked, there's still parts that suck- he doesn't have to share them with me. But he wouldn't say anything, and I couldn't get him to understand that it was ok to share with me. That I was- I was willing to be there for him. Anything he wanted, I'd give it to him; and so I did. He," her voice cracks, and she sits next to Tony on the floor, leans into his shoulder, and holds her tears at bay. "He wouldn't look at me, Tony. I can't do that. I can't be with a man who doesn't want to be with me."
Tony's arms tighten around her, and he leans his head against her balcony doors. They both tactfully ignore the vomit stench coming from the potted plant.
"He's an idiot, obviously," is all Tony says before he passes out; Darcy spends the rest of the night between asleep and awake, still tucked into his side.
It's not a happy ending, but it's a good one
Tony's gone when she wake up. So's the plant. And there's Bruce, sitting on her couch, fiddling with his glasses and looking paler than she's ever seen him.
She doesn't move. It's like some kind of survival instinct, or maybe she's just channeling Jurassic Park.
Bruce looks up, and pockets his glasses. Yeah, it didn't work in Jurassic Park, either. He moves to get up from the couch, and she's filled with the need to whisper, 'clever girl,' but it wars with her need to just get away and so she winds up hitting her head on the window and tangling her legs together and making a noise that sounds like 'gurk.'
Bruce stops, holds his hands up like he's trying to stop a scared animal, and scoots further back onto the couch. He's not really a safe distance away, but it makes her feel better. It also makes her realize that she really, really, has to pee.
"Tony came by this morning," Bruce starts, and she just snaps.
"That's nice. I have to pee. I don't know why you're here, but you're not getting any of the brownies," then she's up and gone and the bathroom door is locked behind her. Shit, she forgot to bring the brownies with her.
It's awkward, peeing when your ex-boyfriend and the man you are still impossibly in love with are right outside; but fuck it, she's tired, he's an ass, and this is her apartment. How did he even get in? Jarvis is probably going to get yelled at later.
She starts the shower, since she doesn't know if he's gone yet and she wants to make it known that she is not talking to him. And it's going to be a long shower, too, since Tony's vomit stench is in her hair.
She decides against shaving: she's not trying to impress anyone (oh god Bruce please be gone) and she's tired and because feminism or some shit. Her pajama shorts really highlight this life choice, and she goes all-in when she also leaves her hair down in all its wet-tangled-rats-nest glory.
He's there. Just. Sitting, on her sofa. She counts the brownies, and side-eyes him when they're all still there. It's too early for this, she hasn't had enough coffee, and Tony is going to vacuum the couch if he really is the reason Bruce is here.
"Why can't you leave?" She whispers as the coffee pot fills, not looking at him, "I need you to leave. I can't," she breathes in, and it's coffee and shampoo and the sandalwood smell of Bruce that she smells. "I can't keep seeing you and not being able to have you," she finishes, pouring herself a cup, still not looking at him.
"I don't understand," he says, and his voice is on the other side of the kitchen island. She can hear him sitting in one of the bar stools, and resigns herself to having this conversation. To having him here and knowing he doesn't love her. To having to also hear him tell her he doesn't love her. So she pours him a cup of coffee too, and stays on her side of the island.
"Which part?" She asks as she places the cup in front of him, still not looking at him. She sees his hands grab the cup; tries not to remember how warm they are, how they made her feel whole and soft and small, even when he was just holding her hand.
"Why did you leave," he says into his cup, and it's a tiny thing; she's sure she wouldn't have been able to hear it if it hadn't been amplified by the cup.
"I can't do it, Bruce," her fingers play along the lip of her cup, waiting for the coffee to cool. It's always been like this- him drinking it as fast as he can, as soon as it's handed to him, and her waiting. She used to think it was funny, that she was the one that pushed things forward, always, always, when he was the one that would take gulps of the scorching drink and she'd hold back. It's so backwards. Now she just wants to try and forget about it, but in lieu of that she'll settle for a marathon of Myth Busters and some pasta.
"Oh. Ok," he replies, and she knows he thinks it's something about him that she can't stand. Which, yeah that's partially true but that's not at all what she meant.
"I can't be in a relationship with a man who doesn't love me back," her voice cracks as she says it again, and it feels like the hundredth time she's uttered it aloud. You'd think it would get easier, but it doesn't, it just makes the hurt dig in further and worse.
It's silent in the room, Bruce breathing heavily and Darcy sliding her cup along the countertop between her fingers.
"So when Tony hit me in the gut, this is why," he finally says, and Darcy does look up then.
"What?!" She's going to murder him. She doesn't need anyone trying to fight her battles for her, and she won't have anyone trying to take sides in this breakup. They both made choices, they're both adults. This didn't work out- it's not about hurting each other, it's about trying to do what's right and to stop the hurt from getting worse.
"Darcy, I don't- I- jesus," his hand rakes through his hair, pauses at the base of his neck; she's really not going to survive this conversation. "I've always loved you."
"No," it's all she can think to say, because he doesn't get to make this better by saying 'I love you.' He doesn't get a 'get out of jail free' pass, and she's not taking him back just because he thinks it's what she wants to hear. She won't be the girl he keeps around just because he thinks he can't find anyone else. "No you don't. You never look at me, you didn't put any effort into our relationship at all! For fuck's sake, Bruce- you apologized while we were having sex! You don't love me! So just; just let me go so I can stop loving you and move on!"
He sucks in a breath, and his eyes are stormy when he looks at her. "I really messed this up, I know it was me. It's been made abundantly clear; but you don't get to tell me I don't love you just because you don't pay attention," his quiet anger is startling, almost frightening. "I have loved you since you started coming into the lab wearing those heels; I've liked you since Tony threw me at you," his hands are slightly shaking, and without thinking she slides her hands over them, ghosting her thumbs across his wrists.
She won't look at him, is looking at the buttons on his shirt instead. She can't help the way her heart stops when his next breath is shaky; she'd give anything to make him not sound so hurt.
"I can't look at you when you're around, Darcy; I can't stand the idea that you're right there and I can't have you. That you're going to one day leave- that you did leave-" he amends, with a slight wince that Darcy only notices because his chin scrunches up. "That you're not mine to have because you're- you're Darcy, and I'm Bruce." She's going to punch him herself if he doesn't just shut up but he's still talking and she can feel a pit in her stomach open up as she realizes just how much he hates himself. "And I feel like I'm using you every time we go out, every time you pretend not to notice that I've burned dinner, or overlook the way I get so angry sometimes that I have to be alone. Of course I'm apologizing, Darcy! I'm- I'm using you and you don't know how much I worship you and you're just there every day. Still there even after all the horrible shit in my life and I need you to know, every time, every time you let my love you-" Darcy winces here, because he's showing her, he's telling her that it wasn't sex to him, "that you can do better and I'm sorry that you're with me and that I'm not strong enough to let you go. Even now, Darcy! Even now, when you've finally left me, I can't let you go!"
Darcy's crying, she knows she is, she can feel it in the way her throat's tight and her lungs aren't expanding like they should, "god, shut up Bruce!" And she kisses him, because that's all she can think of to do.
So it wasn't happy, but it was an ending; and they were going to make sure it stayed there. Even when Bruce still apologized for the first month, and Darcy didn't know what to say when he told her about his father four months later.