When I couldn't sleep one night, I got this crazy idea in my head that I just couldn't get out. My only guess is that because I have often though that it would be hilarious if Tom Felton and Daniel Radcliffe played buddies in a movie and love to watch dramedy crime shows, my mind somehow combined the thoughts into this. I'm going to try out just one quick chapter for now to see what the responses are like before I commit anymore time to it, but I may just have to keep going for my own amusement. This is already M rated for the very fact that the dialogue alone contains quite a few swears and mature themes, so young eyes should not continue reading. And now for something completely different:
"Okay, so explain this to me one more time," Hermoine turned in her seat as Ron pulled into the parking spot in front of the apartment complex. "You don't like to use condoms because…"
"Because I'm Catholic, and the church says birth control is a sin," Ron answered in monotone as he adjusted his sunglasses over his eyes before opening the car door.
"But you still have sex," Hermoine stated eyeing him over the roof of the car as they both got out and he shook his jacket on.
"Well the church is fine with people having sex," Ron shrugged, tucking the car keys in his pants pocket while Hermoine walked around to his side of the car.
"I've met your family, Ron. Clearly the church is fine with people having lots of sex," Hermoine rolled her eyes and leaned against the car while she adjusted the lapels on his jacket, "But premarital sex…"
"Yeah, that's frowned upon," Ron cut her off as a uniformed officer lifted the crime tape for them to duck under. Ron smiled curtly at the guy who was watching them curiously as he pushed the door aside for Hermoine and ushered her through.
"So you're already sinning when you have sex. Why not just go for a double sin and put on the condom?" Hermoine thumped him on the chest with her finger as she made her point. Ron whipped off his sunglasses to glare at her, but Hermoine gestured at the sniveling woman in the robe just across the room.
"I'm Detective Weasley and this is my partner Detective Granger," Ron took the lead as Hermoine pulled out a notepad and pen. "Can you tell us what happened here?"
"H…h…he came at me and so I…" the woman fell apart into sobs and Ron gave her a sympathetic smile.
"You acted in self-defense," Ron finished for her. "It's completely understandable."
"Did you know the intruder?" Hermoine questioned. Ron shot her a look for jumping back to questions so fast, but Hermoine tapped her watch. He sighed, but didn't argue with her.
"No," she shook her head and gratefully took the handkerchief Ron handed her, wiping her eyes with it before giving it back. "I've never seen him before."
"Interrupted robbery," Hermoine mouthed.
"Thank you for your time, ma'am," Ron nodded in agreement. "We'll need to contact you later about an official statement, but for now do you have a friend or a family member you can call to be with you? Maybe a boyfriend?"
"Seriously?" Hermoine muttered and rolled her eyes.
"My sister's on her way, and I'm going to stay with her for a couple of days," the woman, oblivious to Hermoine, explained. "Thank you so much for your concern, Mr. Weasley."
"Please, call me Ron," he dug through his pocket and fished out a card to hand to her. "If you need anything or you remember anything else, you can reach me here."
"We need to check in with forensics, Detective Weasley," Hermoine interrupted with a pointed look at her partner. "I mean, Ron."
"We'll be in touch," Ron shot the woman a smile before following Hermoine over to where a blonde officer was bent over the body. "What do we have here, Ms. Lovegood?"
"Ron, I've spent more time with my head between your sister's legs than I did in med school. Why don't you just call me Luna?" she argued as she rocked back on her heels and stared up at the pair of detectives. "Hey, Herm."
"Hi, Loon," Hermoine offered.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph. Luna, I'm working here. Could you not talk about going down on my baby sister while we're inspecting a guy with his friggin' head blown off?" Ron grumbled, his face turning as red as his hair.
"Says Detective Smooth who just hit on our Annie Oakley," Hermoine jabbed. "And he' dead, Ron. Who's he gonna tell?"
"Don't be such a prude, Ronny," Luna chastised. "Gin's right. That's totally your problem with women."
"I don't have a problem with all women," Ron argued. "Just the two that I'm related to."
"Sure you don't," Luna shook her head. "The front door lock was tampered with and we found a kit on the body. Between that and the bullets we found-one in the head, two in the torso, and another two so far in the wall behind him-I'd say it's a simple case of self-defense, most likely an interrupted robbery."
"Knew it," Hermoine grinned triumphantly. "You'll verify and run the labs?"
"Of course," Luna nodded before the partners began to head out. "And Detective Weasley?"
"Yea?" Ron spun around annoyed at Luna's teasing tone.
"You need to call your sister," Luna frowned.
"Christ on a cracker," Ron sighed. "What shit did she get into now?"
"I don't know. She didn't really get into it. You know how she is. And I wasn't going to push her on it cause she's suddenly decided she's straight again and has taken up with some goddamn hooligan," Luna fumed. She took a deep breath and then added, "But she mentioned staying with your brothers."
"Fred and George?" Hermoine's eyebrows shot up. "Is that even safe?"
"Hardly," Ron grimaced. "Which asshole boyfriend is it this time?"
"Fuck if I know," Luna spat. "I don't give a rat's ass what dick she…"
"Got it," Ron cut her off before turning on his heel with Hermoine running to catch up with his long stride. As they hopped in the car, Ron groaned, "You mind if we make a stop on the way back in?"
"It wouldn't be a normal day at the office without a side trip to the latest Weasley family drama," Hermoine chuckled.