Summary; The war over, Harry contemplates his loss while in another time and place a hero is needed. Can Harry find what he lost or will he even try? A/U Time travel.

A/N: Don't own Harry Potter or any of the Characters of JKR.

Chapter 1. The aftermath: What did I win exactly?

Harry Potter, 'the Boy-Who-Lived', 'the Chosen One', 'liar, cheat, the next dark lord. So many titles had been given to him during his life. He didn't feel he deserved any of these. It all depended on what was going on or who you asked at the time which one fit. Right now the only title he felt he deserved was "loser". Those around him would ask why; after all he had just killed the most hated and evil Dark Lord in ages. He should be happy, proud at such an accomplishment at the age of seventeen. But as he stands here on top of what is left of the astronomy tower, he contemplates his victory. What did he have to be proud of?

At first when he entered this world of magic, it seemed a godsend, freedom from the Dursleys. That turned out to be a temporary reprieve as every summer he had to return. Other than the fact he should have studied harder in his first year and had to deal with the fame for some dumb thing he couldn't even remember, he thought that he had done quite well. He helped save Hermione from a big ass troll, helped save the stone and sent Moldyshorts packing. Not bad he thought for an eleven year old, but then he wouldn't have had to save the girl if his best friend hadn't insulted her bad enough that the girl was contemplating going home and leave magic behind forever. Damn Dursleys, damn Ron. If it weren't for those two he would have appreciated her intelligence sooner.

Looking back at the end of term feast, what the hell was Dumbledore thinking? He could have easily awarded the points that won Gryffindor the house cup before hand and then explained the points. But nooo, he let Slytherin think they had won and then pulled the rug out from under them. No wonder they hate Gryffindors.

Second year: Lockheart, what a moron. Thinking back Harry felt that Hermione would have made a better teacher. He wasn't even a good actor. It seemed like every time there was a camera present, for what ever reason, Lockheart was there. He just wouldn't take the hints that I could care less about fame and fans. They wouldn't bring my parents back. I tried to avoid attention, but it seemed like everybody tried to thrust it on me. Except Hermione. She seemed to be the only one to understand. Ron said he did but he always was the one to mention the fame and money. Then there was the snake incident during the dueling club, was it fear of the unknown, or superstition that made them fear those that could speak to snakes? Again Ron showed the stupidity of the wizard world. He was supposed to be my friend, had known me for over a year, I even lived in his home for close to a month, but you could see the fear in his eyes, the doubt. Hermione was only concerned that I could hear a voice no one else could.

I wonder some times if there aren't some lingering side affects of the poly-juice mishap from that year, cause I would swear that sometimes when she was curled up next to me on a few rare occasions, she purred. When she was petrified I thought we were all done for. The feeling of loss without her around was almost unbearable. Would I have felt the same if it had been Ron instead? I don't know but I don't think so. I was counting on her to tell me what was attacking everybody. It makes me sick to think of all the time I spent with her in the hospital wing and never found her note. Just holding the wrong hand delayed finding out the truth for an additional month and a half.

Why didn't the staff or at least Dumbledore know what was going on? I mean the castle has hundreds if not thousands of portraits that see and hear everything that goes on in the corridors. Wouldn't they report what they see if it's a threat to the school? Dumbledore was here the first time it was opened and the girl's ghost is still here. Why didn't he ever talk to her and seal the bathroom so no one could get in to open it again.

The minister, ugh! What an idiot, sending Hagrid to Azkaban just so he could look like he was doing something. He had never been found guilty the first time, so why believe he was now. If they had the authority to do that, then why not send in a team of investigators to find out what the hell was going on? Speaking of idiots, what the heck were me and Ron thinking going to Lockheart? We knew he was a fraud, or at least I did. What good did we think he would be? If we were going to use him as an early warning for the Basilik, he should have been twenty feet in front of us, not close enough to steal Ron's wand.

Then there's the chamber itself. Simple right? Go in, get the girl and get out. Simple right? WRONG! First there's the evil spirit of Moldyshorts draining her life force and then there is the matter of a sixty foot god damn Basilik to deal with. Another damsel saved, another near death experience. I wonder some times if I should have thanked Fawkes or cursed him for saving me that year.

The only thing my summer hols are good for is to help me appreciate Hogwarts all the more.

Third year is another prime example of the ministers "intelligence". There's an oxymoron if ever I heard one. Dementors protecting a school full of children. Come on. Just knowing that they're even half a mile away is enough to give any kid nightmares. Allowing them to board the train with no protection, darn right stupid. I have enough nightmares without them to help me along, thank you very much. I never had a chance to think about that year, what with everybody concerned because they make me black out, but I really feel for Ginny. After her first year experience a few months before with Moldyshorts in her head for most of the year and now this. Yeah sweet dreams now I'm sure.

The million galleon question for them to be here at all is why? Supposedly some mass murder broke out of Azkaban, the first in the history of the place. Hmmm, let me get this right, a mass murder has escaped from prison, first man to ever do this and Dementors are the guards of Azkaban and he got away from them, but they're here to recapture him. He's been on the loose for months. But because he was heard saying 'He's at Hogwarts' a few times before he escaped they put class 5 dark creatures there to protect the children. Excuse me? If I was his target, get me out of the school and save the others the torment of being around the Dementors.

Enough ranting on that subject. Hermione, ah sweet Hermione. Big concern 'Harry, promise me you won't go after him?' I did make that promise. It was easy. I mean come on. I'm not the idiot some people think I am. Even I'm smart enough to realize a third year is no match for a mass murder. The facts that I was given and over heard made me angry true, and I swore that if he came after me, I would kill him given the chance. Sadly the truth was nothing like I was led to believe. Sirius was innocent of all charges. The true traitor and mass murder had been hiding in plain sight as a rat ever since the day. Rats, even magical rats don't live for thirteen years folks. How did a pure-blood family miss that fact?

Then there was the broomstick incident. Some friend I was. Yeah I was upset Hermione went behind my back and went to McGonagall, but she was in her 'saving Harry mode'. Didn't speak to her for weeks and why? Because she cared for me and Ron wouldn't let it go. Ron may have been my first friend but Hermione was my best friend. How many times did I let Ron cloud my judgment because of that one fact?

The only good things that came out of that year was a really good DADA teacher, I learned the protronus charm and Hermione got to fly on a hippogriff. Sirius got away and I had a chance to get to know him and Remus a lot better. Both connections to my parents. I just wish the rat hadn't got away too. I think fate hates me.

Fourth year and the world cup. Some times I wonder why I bothered to save the wizarding world. They are such sheep. The world cup was a fantastic experience with wizards from all over the world there, but really folks can't you defend yourselves at all. I mean here we had thousands of witches and wizards and they let about a dozen people in mask scatter them like leafs in the wind. You don't have to great at defense against the dark arts to stop them. Twenty or thirty people casting aguamenti and they would be too busy trying to stay on their feet. Where was the ministry? Busy trying to make sure that muggles didn't see us. Bet we really impressed the foreigners.

Then we get to the Tri-wizard Tournament. Fun time there kiddies. Another year when I wonder why I even come to school. Oh yeah to get away from Durzkaban. My own personnel hell on earth. Why did anybody believe I would enter such a thing? I had mediocre grades. Hermione was the only one that ever told my she thought I was a great wizard. I had money, I don't know how much but it looked like a lot. Fame, come on people. How many times do I have to tell you I hate fame and attention of a public nature?

Hermione, god love that woman. I'll miss her more than anyone. Between researching, teaching and just plain caring, I would not have made it through that year or any other for that matter without her. Another year that pointed out how just much my early years affected me. I treated Hermione the same as a guy. I knew she was a girl but the school robes hid it so much of the time it slips the mind of a fourteen year old. That is until the Yule ball. What an eye opener that was. There was no denying she was all girl after that. And then Ron went and ruined it for her, calling her a traitor for going with Krum. Hey, I was happy if she was happy. I wish now that I had asked her myself, but you know what they say, Hindsight is 20/20. Ron turned out to be such a disappointment. Why couldn't I see it earlier? He told me he fancied Hermione in our third year. Well if the way he treated her was fancying someone, I'm glad I didn't fancy anyone.

There is not a lot to say about the first task. Hermione drove herself to distraction to make sure I knew the spell that saved my ass. How much of her own study time did I cost her that year. You'll never hear her complain though. I did but she said "Look at all the new spells I learned."

How did Ron wind up as my hostage in the second task? Krum may have taken Hermione to the ball, but we were still together all the time. Ron and I had been at odds since my name came out of the cup. And if the dates for the ball were why they were picked, why wasn't Parvati my hostage? My up-bringing strikes again during the task. I take the message (clue) literally. If everyone isn't rescued, they will die. So I rescue Fleur's sister and damn near die for the effort. Idiot. Hermione calls it 'my people saving thing'. What can I say? I don't like for people to get hurt if I can help it.

Third task was a maze. Who the hell thought of these tasks? The only one that the spectators got to see was the first. The second was under water and now were in a maze with twenty foot high walls. You can't hear or see what is going on. I got a little suspicious that something wasn't right about half way through. I figured I should have run into more obstacles than I did. I should have really got suspicious when I found Krum torturing Cedric. It was plain that he was under the 'Imperious curse' and there was only one person there that could have seen through those hedges. Mad-Eye Moody.

For all my people saving thing, I could not save Cedric. We just weren't alert enough. I'm not saying we should all be like the real Moody, but if strange things happen you need to be on high alert. It may have saved Ced's life it may not, but it would have lasted longer. All of this was an elaborate set up so I could help restore Voldemort to a body. Oh Joy. It wasn't bad enough having his spirit after me, now I have the real thing. Voldemort, what a piece of work he is. What an ass. I bet he feels real proud of himself. After kidnapping me from the tournament where I got banged up a bit, he calls his death munchers to him so they can witness the death of the-boy-who-lived.

Let me tell you folks the 'cruciatus curse' hurts like hell. I was under it three times before ol' Voldy decided we should duel. Then he tried the 'Imperious'. Thank you Moody/Crouch Jr. for a preview of that one. With a bit of luck and some ancient magic of our wands, I managed to escape right into the clutches of Moody/Crouch Jr., who was determined that I was going to die that night one way or another. I can only imagine what Hermione was going through that night, not knowing what was going on. My disappearing from the school and then the long conversations and questioning after.

The truth; wizards seem to fear the truth. I wonder if Fudge is in love with the Dementors? He had one with him that night and had it 'kiss' Jr. on the spot, not even taking him into custody to find out how he escaped Azkaban or why he was at Hogwarts. He destroyed any proof we had as to what happened. Reminds me of third year when he wanted Sirius 'kissed' immediately instead of trying to find out the truth.

Wizard health care sucks too. We have potions and spells that can cure just about anything physical, but what about mental health? Four years in a row I have either been involved with death or some other traumatic experience and what happens, I get shipped back to people who could care less if I lived or died. People who would probably celebrate if I did die. Not only that, but Dumbledore decides it would be in my best interest for my friends not to write as I 'need time to grieve'. B.S. This is the time I need my friends the most.

Then when I'm allowed to leave Durzkaban, they take me to my godfather's home. It would have been better if I got time to actually be with him, but nooo. We have to clean the place up first. What did prison do to this man? I had heard how brave he was so why was he letting Molly tell him what to do in his own home? Why did she constantly pair me with Ginny? There were things I wanted to discuss with Hermione. Alone.

I should have seen it then. Keeping me and Hermione apart, pairing her with Ron, and keeping the pairs apart as much as possible. I was just too blind at the time to see it. Why was it that every time I got a chance to talk to Sirius Molly would hunt me down for some other task? A task that could have waited a little while longer. What was she afraid he would tell me? I just wanted to know about my parents and what they were like.

What is with Ginny? We hadn't said more than 'Hi' for the past three years and now every time I look in her direction she's flipping her hair over her shoulder. She must think it looks attractive.

People often tell me I look just like my dad. I've seen pictures of him and I have to agree that I do look a lot like him. The comment was made that Ginny looks like my mom. Huh? Yeah she has red hair but mom's was more auburn and wavy. They say 'like father, like son'. Does that mean I'm predestined to marry a red head? No. If that was true, why didn't my dad marry a woman with black hair and a pure-blood? Grandma Potter was. From what I have learned about my mom and Grandma, the only thing they had in common was their intelligence. They were both highly intelligent. That would point me more towards Hermione. Besides there are at least three other red heads in or year alone. Ginny is almost as bad as Ron when it comes to Quidditch. I love the game and flying but it's not my life. Helping the team win games by capturing the snitch is something that I can be proud of because I did it on my own. It's something that I'm good at. It's recognition I earned.

Another point about wizards not wanting to know the truth was the smear campaign against me and Dumbledore that year. Why, with all the titles and top positions he held, did no one believe Dumbledore. Why did they believe Fudge? Fame is a fickle thing. I could some what understand school kids opinions changing from one minute to the next. They're still learning and forming their opinions. Adults shouldn't be so easy to manipulate by the paper. But then when you have only one paper to give you news, maybe I'm wrong. Hmm? Why is there only one newspaper?

Another question I have, is there no oversight in the ministry? Apparently not if one can send dementors into a muggle area without question. Now I don't like my cousin at all, but even he doesn't deserve to die that way. How did I wind up in front of the full Wizengamount and why did none of them question it? Does underage magic normally wind up there? No it doesn't I found out later.

Fifth year and Umbitch: What a year that was. How did I let Hermione talk me into starting the D.A. Simple, my 'saving people thing'. How could I not try to teach a subject we were so sorely lacking in and would need now more than ever. Five years and only one decent D.A.D.A. professor, what else could I do? Again Hermione and her organization and research, what would I do with out them.

Then there was Snape and his brand of Occlumency that was more like mind rape. It seemed to make it easier for Voldy to get into my mind, than keep him out. Why were there no books on the subject in the library? Why did Dumbledore avoid me all year?

At the end of the year was another desperate rescue mission that turned out to be a trap. It's so plain in hindsight. There was enough truth in previous visions not to believe this one was the same. And it cost Sirius his life. The only good thing was people saw Voldemort there and now believe. A year too late. A year in which Voldemort was building up his forces while the ministry did nothing.

Another summer after an emotionally and mentally scaring year. No help, no therapy and again no communication with my friends. Why did none of the teachers or the school healer notice I always lost weight every summer? Hermione did. She sent me food packages as often as Hedwig could make it to her.

Sixth year was so out of character for me and Hermione. We argued. We argued! We never argue. We have differences off opinions but we never argued. And over a book. It turns out we were both right about that potions book. Though it was not like the dairy of Tom Riddle, it still had its own dangers.

Why wouldn't she believe me about Draco. I agree we never got along, but I wouldn't blindly accuse him of attempted murder for that reason alone. I'm not that petty. I was right in the end. I wish I hadn't been.

When did we decide to settle for second best? Ron was no more a match for her than Ginny was for me.

Why did it take Dumbledore all year to show me what should not have taken a month. I realize that he's a busy man, but what we were doing was too important to delay. It killed him in the end. I wonder some times if he shouldn't have retired years ago. It was hard to figure out what his priorities were.

Seventh year, I don't know who had it worse that year. Me, Hermione and Ron or the kids that came back to school. Even though we were hunted and had a dangerous task to complete, we didn't have death eaters on us all day long every day. Those who stayed and resisted are more of a hero than I am.

The only good that came from this past year was me and Hermione getting to talk. After Ron bailed on us for two months, we had a chance to talk about a lot of things. It was hard at first. Clueless male here. At least I didn't need a book like Ron. I wonder how much was the book and how much was Ron? I hated seeing Hermione hurt after Ron left and it took me a while to figure out how to comfort her without ruining our friendship. Turns out we were both in denial of our feelings for one another. Being noble sucks. I denied my feeling for her because of Ron, even claimed she was like a sister to keep from offending Ron. Hermione told me that when I hadn't made a move by sixth year, she was going to separate her self from me and settle for Ron. Ron the git. Ron the jealous. Ron the betrayer.

We had to come to Hogwarts to finish our task and wound up fighting what turned out to be the final battle. A lot of old and forgotten magic came in to play otherwise I don't think I stood a chance. But it cost, it cost me dearly. It cost me Hermione. Ron was supposed to stay with her, cover her back. He didn't. He left again and this time it cost Hermione her life.

So what did I win? Nothing. What did I lose? Everything. Hermione, Fred, Remus, Tonks, Collin, Sirius, Cedric, and the list goes on and on.

I have no hopes and dreams anymore. Not here.

Harry picked up his back pack and prepared to leave. In it were the few passions he has that he holds dear, his invisibility cloak, the map, some clothes and four shrunk trunks. One full of galleons from both the Black and Potter family vaults, one with the family heirlooms, one had the Black family library an books he found in the Potter family vault and the last had his personal stuff and a picture of him and Hermione. He had no idea where he is going. He just knew he couldn't stay here.

A/N; I know this is kind of long but I wanted you to see where Harry was before the meat of the story started. Some of this may be repeated as flashbacks. R&R