re-read perks a few days ago and i wanted to expand on a briefly mentioned moment. this is un-betaed so may have some mistakes.
would love it if you'd drop by a review!
"He never went to the same parties as Patrick or anything until a little over a month ago. That was the night he threw rocks at Patrick's window and told Patrick that nobody could know and Patrick understood."
Trying to get up the courage to speak to Patrick sober is near impossible. Your hands are shaking as you make the walk to his house: too scared to get behind a wheel of a car. Somehow you feel more fucked up than when you were drinking and on drugs, if that's possible. Your heart is beating so fast in your chest you would swear you could feel it hitting your ribcage and you're trembling, starting to feel sick, your heart pounding inside of your head so loudly that the sound seems to simultaneously come from within and without.
You don't remember the last time you were brave enough to ask for what you wanted. This is a thing you haven't done in a very long time and you're scared but you're ready, you're ready to face it now after getting over that state you were in.
Thing is, no matter how terrifying this whole thing is, you can't stop thinking about how horrible it would be to not have Patrick in your life. You want to be able to take your time with him, to kiss him slowly and not be terrified every moment that someone will walk in. You want to tell him that he matters, how much you care and even if you're scared that those words will never be able to pass through your lips, you know that you can convey it in other ways now. You're shaking so hard as you stand beneath his window, scooping up a handful of rocks and clenching them tight in your fist, reminding yourself that you don't have to do this.
This is a choice. This is a fucking terrifying choice but you're certain that you won't regret it.
You throw the rocks. You wait. You breathe. You shake a little as you try to process what you'll do if his answer is no. You think about how much you miss him. You scoop up another handful of rocks.
You're about to throw them when the window opens and Patrick is there, standing shirtless and staring down at you with a mixture of confusion and fascination spread across his moonlit face. An involuntary smile crosses your face as he appears. Even after everything, even when you think about how afraid you are, Patrick still has that effect on you. Maybe he always will.
"What are you doing?" he whispers loudly. You sigh with relief when there's no anger in his voice.
"I needed to talk to you." you say. Pause. "I miss you." The words are harder to say than anything but once they're out you can't believe how much easier it is to breathe.
"Do you want to come in?" Patrick says. "My family are asleep."
"I'll make it quick." you say. You can't go into his house. Not tonight. It's taken enough courage for you to even get to his house, you don't know if you have what it takes to step through the door.
Patrick nods, accepting it, waiting for whatever it is you have to say. It's your moment and the fear seems to have disappeared, leaving you with something so scary that you can't name it because you can't be in love.
"I want us to be together again." you say. "I want to be able to see you."
Patrick nods again, not speaking yet. He must know you have more to say.
"I need to date girls." you say, hating yourself for it. "I'm… I'm scared of what they'll have to say."
He seems sad but he keeps looking at you and he nods again, trying to reassure you.
"Nobody can know." you tell him. "My Dad… my friends…" You don't finish that sentence. You don't need to. Both of you know how horrible the world is and how much harder it is to bare when the hatred comes from people that you should be able to trust.
"You know they're not your friends." Patrick tries, although it's only half-hearted.
"I know." you say, too tired, too stuck in your ways of friendship with people you hate to argue against him or make a commitment to back out of something that is so intrinsically a part of your life now.
"I want to be with you, Patrick." you say, holding your breath, still terrified that his answer will be no.
Patrick closes the window and your heart feels like it stops beating for a split second. You stand and stare at his window but all you can see is darkness. You force yourself to breathe. This isn't the end of the world, you tell yourself. Maybe it'll be better, it'll definitely be easier to live your life without being desperately in love with a boy that you should hate on principle.
The back door of Patrick's house swings open and he's striding towards you with purpose and all you can do is stand still and wait for him to get to you. All your thoughts about how much easier life would be without him are gone. He pauses leaving some room between the two of you. He places his hand on your cheek,
"I missed you too." he murmurs, before pressing his lips to yours. You kiss him back and it's soft and sweet and everything that it wasn't when it was simply fuelled with desperation, drugs and want. It's hideously romantic and you twist your hands into his hair, pulling him closer, your lips saying mine mine i love you mine and he's saying the same thing back to you, both of you silent as you revel in the kiss, only the kiss.
When you pull away, he nods at you, kisses your cheek and walks, barefoot, back into the house, smiling back at you before he closes and locks the door. He doesn't have to say anything else for you to know that he understands.
Your smile doesn't fade for the whole walk home.