Elena Gilbert. Why? Why did he have to love her. He surely didn't want to. He never meant to. Never tried to. But he did. And, Damon just didn't know what to do about it anymore. She loved Stefan. He knew that. Stefan loved her. He knew that as well. He was loyal to his brother who even in his darkest hours still managed to save Damon's life. Yet, he wasn't selfless, no, that was Stefan. It was all Stefan. He knew Stefan deserved Elena, but he couldn't stop. He wanted her. He wanted her in his arms. He wanted her comforting arms embracing him. He wanted to feel her tender lips on his. He wanted her.

She was his existential crisis. To want her, or not to want her. He tried so much, to not love Elena. But he couldn't. Because in the end, he wasn't selfless. He wasn't good. He wasn't kind. He wasn't human. He was a monster. That was who he was. Who he's always been. And he hates it. More than anything else, he hates what he is. He misses being human. He would never admit it but he did. He missed it more than anything in the world.

Point blank, he wanted Elena. He was obsessed with her. She made him feel. All that pain, all that guilt, she made him human. He loved her for that. But, his brother. Stefan's always been there for him. Even after everything. After everything he's done to him. Stefan stuck by him. How could he just take his brother's girl like that?

It was wrong. But, it felt so right. It just hurt his head and he wanted to make it stop. He wanted it to go away! But then he could hear Elena in his head.

"Damon you're so close. Don't give up." And he wouldn't. For her. He did everything because of her. Because he loved her. She was so, pure. Her kindness, her sympathy, her love, it was all real. When Rose died, and she hugged him, he could feel it. He could hear it.

"That would be human of me, wouldn't it Elena? And I'm not human. You want to talk about giving up? That's all you've done is given up! Go home. It's been enough doom, gloom and personal growth for one night." He yelled at her. And she hugged him. He could hear her in his mind.

"I'm so sorry Damon." He could hear her words. And it stung. Elena, please. Stop. I don't want to feel. Don't Elena. "But, pain comes with humanity. And humanity comes with love Damon." Elena no. Don't, please. I don't want the pain. Don't make me feel it. No. "And I know it hurts. But it's okay, because I'm here." I feel. I feel Elena. I feel.

"Goodnight Damon." Elena don't. Don't leave, Elena please, I feel. I feel! He said nothing. Just stood there, frozen. Looking blankly ahead. Pain in his eyes. And what'd he do after?

"Hi Jessica. I have a secret, I have a big one and I never said it out loud. I mean, what's the point? It's not gonna change anything, it's not gonna make me good, make me an adopt a puppy. I can't be what other people want me to be, what she wants me to be. This is who I am, Jessica."

"Are you gonna hurt me?" She whimpered. Couldn't she see? He HAD to. He had to kill her. It was who he was. It was the monster that he was.

" I'm not sure because you are my existential crisis. Do I kill you or do I not kill you?" I don't want to kill you. I don't want to hurt you. But that's who I am!

"Please don't." She pleaded. Tears streaming down her face. Stop pleading! I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU JESSICA! But it's who I am! I'm a monster.

"But I have to, Jessica because I'm not human and I miss it. I miss it more than anything in the world. That is my secret but there is only so much hurt a man can take." He confessed to her. Pouring his heart out to a complete stranger.

"Please, don't." I can't contain it. I'm not HUMAN Jessica. And it hurts me. She makes me feel. I don't want to feel.

"Okay. You're free to go." She ran to her car. I can't let you go. I'm not HUMAN enough to let you go. I have to kill you Jessica. I'm sorry. He rushed over and bit her. Her blood so rejuvenating. So, relishing. Her scream music to his ears. I'm sorry Jessica. And I'm sorry Elena.

Damon was a monster. He knew that. He was a monster, a predator, an abomination. Because point blank. Damon Salvatore wasn't human. And he missed it more than anything in the world.

AN: This was originally meant to be Delana and Defan. Somehow his loss of humanity crept up and idek. Review are much appreciated. 3