disclaimer: disclaimed.
dedication: to les, who is drowning in feels again.
notes: it's been a while, AnE. how've been in my two-year absence?

title: don't pass out with your shoes on
summary: He's gotta be a masochist or something, because this is just getting excessive. — Shima/Izumo.

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"Dude, this is getting excessive."

'Do you even know what that word means, Okumura?"

"Yeah, and this shit is it."

Shima Renzou was in love.

(Or something like that.)

"She's great," he sighed, gazing after the pretty white-blonde girl that had just been hanging all over his frame, lipstick marks across his collar. "With a perfect rack."

"What more could you ask for," Rin groused, rolling his eyes skyward. "Shit, Eyebrows is gonna shoot me, I'm late."

Renzou whipped his newly-pink hair up and blinked at his best friend. "Eyebrows? Who'zat?"

Rin shrugged as he heaved his messenger bag off the ground, stretching to get uncomfortable knots out his back. "Girl in my AB Psych class."

The grin that stretched across Renzou's face could only be described as shit-eating. Rin hoisted his bag over his shoulder and tried not to think too much about it, but then his asshole best friend was speaking, and that was the end of that.

"Shiiiiiiiiiit, d'you got a date? 'Zat what this is, Okumura? You gonna get laaaaaaaaid?"

"Not with you around," Rin said, eyebrow raised.

"Does that mean I can come?! We discussed this, it's not gay if our dicks don't touch—"

"What the—no! Th' fuck is wrong with you?!"

"But Rin, what if she's hot—"

This was how Shima Renzou met Kamiki Izumo, the Love Of His Life. Looped around his best friend like a limpet, clinging and whiny, he tumbled into True Love when he laid eyes on her. She was tiny and dark-haired, fury-eyed, and so lovely that he didn't know what to do with himself.

And she was, apparently, dating his best friend.

Well, shit.

"Okumura," she said (and holy god in heaven, even her voice was perfect), eyebrows raised somewhere far up her forehead. "Are you cheating on me already? With a man?"

Rin tossed him off, and Renzou hit the dirt with a painful-sounding thud.

"Nah, this idiot's my best friend," Rin sighed, deeply put-upon. "Makes me look decent by comparison."

"It's a shame you're so indecent," she smiled with all her teeth, and there was something so sharp and deadly about it that had Renzou sporting a halfie which was—not cool, this was public, but holy god her teeth

"I'm Renzou," Renzou said, grinning dopily.

She squinted at him. "I don't remember speaking to you."

Rin rolled his eyes. "He gets like that around pretty girls."

"Are you saying I'm pretty?"

"And what if I am, Eyebrows?"

Her smile split wider, dripping poisonous venom, and Renzou had never wanted anyone so much in his life. She was perfect. And she took a step forward, her stiletto against the asphalt a sharp stab of sound in his ears, her stockings a rasp of sexuality and, yup, that was a boner. That was definitely a boner. Good god, was that ever a boner. He thanked all higher powers for loose slacks, and valiantly forced himself not to adjust.

She walked until she was right up in his space, and then—

—shoved him out of the way. She was all up in Okumura's space, her dragon-nails digging into his best friend's chest, curling around his tie.

This could not stand.

"—owe me a date, Okumura. I told you not to be late. And what are you? Late."

"Hey, at least I'm not your period."

She pulled back, mouth twisting, and Renzou couldn't tell if she was about to laugh at how stupid his best friend could be, or if she was about to start screaming. Please god, let her be a screamer, he thought, a little daze-eyed.

"You disgust me," she said, but her lips were curling, and she was, she was smiling, that was an actual smile.

Renzou was so fucked.

"See you later, asshole," Rin called over his shoulder. He hadn't realized they were walking away, his friend's arm wrapped around his future wife's waist.

God, so uncool.

Renzou decided that now was a good time to go flop down on his dorm bed and bemoan his existence.

After all, his best friend was banging his girlfriend.

What even was that?

"Well, that was horrible."

"Th' fuck?" Renzou's speech was garbled, thick with the last remnants of a deep sleep. "Y'r home e'rly…"

"She's violent," Rin grumbled as he dropped his bag to the ground. It was a distant kind of thump sound, the hollow kind that shitty badly-insulated walls did when you hit them, and for a minute, that was all Renzou could concentrate on as he tried to come back to the land of the living. "She's violent and she's scary. First thing she did was threaten my dick if I ever looked at her friends wrong. What the hell."

"C'n I've 'er?" Renzou slurred.

"Be my guest," Rin said acidly, punching his pillow into a less-offensive shape.

He hadn't turned the lights on, and for a while, they lay there in the half-darkness, sinking in deeper as the sun set.

"You're serious, aren't you?" Rin mused, a long time later. "About Eyebrows."

"Sh's perfect."

"I figured she'd be your type."

"You tryna set me up again?"

"You need the fuckin' help, fucknut."

"How rude!" Renzou gasped, threw his arm over his eyes to block out the light and hide the grin that was curling at the corners of his mouth. "You won't be pissed?"

"Nah,' Rin yawned. "She's not my type."

"She's my type."

"Shut the fuck up, Shima, your type is anything that breathes."

"Anything human and female that breathes," Renzou said, absolutely discerning. All girls were beautiful; it was just that his girl was perfect, with her sharp eyes and her sharp shoes and her sharp, sharp teeth.

(He was a fucking goner.)

"Fucking hopeless. Shit, I forgot, there's a party in Miranda on Friday. You wanna go?"

"Only if my girlfriend's there."

"Shut the fuck up, Shima."

"Go t'sleep, Okumura," Renzou said, rolling over and pressing his face down into his mattress. "We gotta sleep if we wanna party."

"I hate you."

"Sure," Renzou said affably. "Sure."

And a long, long time later, after the sun had disappeared behind the horizon, and true night had set in, Renzou shifted, and opened his mouth.

"Thanks, dude," he said.

"Don't mention it," Rin said, quiet.

And then sleep came quiet like a thief, and neither of them said anything else.

He was going to have to wait for Friday.

It was pathetic.

Because for some reason all his profs were assholes who thought that weeding out freshmen was the best way to spend their time—anything to make poor eighteen-year-olds cry little bitch tears about their midterms, which, what the fuck, were not even close to being as important as all the profs made them out to be? Renzou had three older brothers who'd gone through this shit, and they'd all come out more or less okay. Their advice: don't take midterms so seriously, because they're not the be-all-end-all.

(Renzou had taken this particular lesson to heart, and actually could not find a single fuck to give about exams.)

So he slouched through the next three days, trying not to sleep through chem and orgo, and doing whatever he could to avoid eating all of Rin's leftover pizza because Rin hated that and also because he was pretty sure that shit was toxic.

But because this was his life now, he found her a day early in a coffee shop.

He was so blessed.

"Hey—hey! Izumo, right?"

She looked up from where she was pouring an obscene amount of cinnamon sugar into her coffee, whipped cream on her lower lip. She squinted at him. "Do I know you?"

"Heh, um, sorta? I'm Rin's best friend, we met—?"

"Oh god, you. What do you want?"

"Can I pay for your coffee?"

"Thanks, but no thanks. It's already done," she said, and went back to tending to her caffeine. The autumn sun through the window slicked off her hair, made her shine. Renzou saw stars and hearts and the universe in her, entire.

"Can I buy you the next one, then?"

She sighed, and her shoulders dropped. "Oh my god, he said you were annoying, but I didn't think you'd be this annoying. Look, I'm not looking for a boyfriend or anything. Okumura was an experiment to see if I could deal with a relationship, and look, it totally failed! So can you please leave me alone?"

Renzou stared at he for a moment longer. "Yeah, sure, I'll go. See you Friday?"

"What's Friday?" she asked, and looked curious despite herself.

"Party in Miranda, eleventh floor. See you there?"

She regarded him seriously, her mouth a thin flat line.

"I don't think so," she said. "I don't ride the party circuit."

"Invitation's open," Renzou grinned, shrugged. "Just so you know."

She picked up her coffee and headed for the door without saying goodbye. But just as she was about to push out into the world, she stopped, and glanced over her shoulder. "If I come, you're buying me vodka."

"Hell, sure, anything," Renzou said, staring at her like he'd never seen a girl in his life before.

"Good," she said. "Get my number from Okumura, and pick me up at eight. Don't be late."

And then she was gone.

If Renzou had been a little less dignified, he would have jumped for joy.

Given that he was definitely undignified, he went for it. He had a date with a girl who'd rip his still-beating heart out, eat him alive for breakfast, pin him down and take him apart.

It was great.

And who cared if Rin thought he was crazy? Renzou had his girl right where he wanted her. They were going to get married. Kamiki Izumo was the rest of his life, and Shima Renzou was determined to keep it that way.

Oh yeah, definitely great.

Now, he just had to figure out how to live long enough to convince her that getting married was exactly the way to go. He was going to have to do some research—Rin had said something about friends? Drat, there went his skirt-chasing.

(Rin was right. This was excessive. But then, Renzou had never been one to do anything by half.)

He stuffed his hands into his pockets, and left the coffeeshop, whistling.

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fin.