Really sorry that this has taken so long to post, I've been super busy with my Senior year of high school. You know college apps and all that, yeah they are a pain in the butt and very time consuming, well now that i'm freaking out about being accepted to colleges I should be able to update more so yeah. Sorry about the delay!
Have you ever had one of those days where you were so bored that they only thing that you could do what was sit there and think? Then while you are sitting there and thinking, you realize that you are pathetic and there are so many things that you probably should change about your life, or so many things which you should do but you really don't want to so you are going to spend all your time looking for a distraction? Those days that you want to be lazy, yet at the same time you just want to find something to do, or at least someone to be lazy with you? Yeah I was having one of those days and to make it worse there was no one to be lazy with me. The pack was all busy doing something or another. Emily was baking, Kim was with Jared and Kristen working on wedding stuff, Claire was off visiting her father for the day, Embry was with Quil on Patrol, Seth and Leah well who knew with them or Brady and Collin. The point to all that is I was alone and I can't call Jacob because well I just can't.
So here I am sitting on my couch doing nothing, and it's only noon. I could take a nap but then I won't sleep tonight and I'll just be bored then so that won't do me any good. I could go hunting but that wouldn't be good because I went a little while ago so I don't need to eat much so it would just be a pretty big waste of my time. I could just take a run through the woods, give the wolves all a wake-up call, maybe even freak them out a little bit, that's always fun. Yeah I think I'll do that, it's always a blast to see which wolves I can freak out and what ones are just pissed. Most of them chase me for a little while until I end up on the beach next to one of the imprints and the realize that it's me and they all calm down and start laughing about it. Unless it's Jacob, he gets pissed and says that one of these times someone is going to get seriously hurt or something. Whatever, it's not like the pack will actually hurt me they all know my scent.
I quickly threw on a pair of sneaker and ran out the door in the direction of La Push, now I just have to figure out where all the wolves are. They normally don't Patrol near the direct entrance because they say that makes things too obvious, whatever, I would think that would be a main area that a vampire would come strolling in but don't talk to be the HALF vampire child. I quickly found the scent of one of the wolves, I'm still too lazy to try and figure out which one though it probably would be too hard if I was actually paying any attention what so ever. I took off after it and when I knew I was in sight I cut across heading straight towards the beach, and then I started paying attention. It took a moment but then I heard the exact sound that I was hoping for, the sound of footsteps thudding after me. This is when I become really happy; I love when I get to go through being chased by a wolf, though it probably won't be long before they realize that it's me. Which does make things slightly sad, but whatever.
I broke through the tree's onto the beach and slowed down to a human speed grinning, I quickly spotted Kim and Jared and walked over to them. I sat down next to Kim and shared and knowing smile with Jared.
"Hey guys, how's it going?"
"Hey Ness, who did you confuse today?" Jared asked wrapping his arms around Kim who was looking at me confused as to how I had just gotten there.
"I didn't really pay attention, but chances are they are going to come out in a minuet so I'll be able to find out. I wonder if it's going to be Jacob or Sam who they went and got today though." I said with a grin looking to the forest line waiting for them all to phase back.
"They are probably waiting to see if they are going to hear anything from Jared, which they aren't because I'm right here…" Kim said leaning back against Jared with a small smile.
"That's very true Kim, Jared can you do me and favor and growl, Kim covers your ears." I said smiling.
Jared nods and waits for Kim to cover her ears before growling like there is a threat around, it all happened pretty quickly then. Embry and Quil both ran from the woods along with Jacob, to see what was going on before stopping dead in their tracks. Kim and Jared both started laughing, Kim having just realized what had taken place and what she had helped me convince the boys of. I just smirked and looked at them waiting for it to sink in that all along it was me. Realization hit them all at the same time and it was hilarious, Quil and Embry started laughing and shaking their heads at themselves while Jacob of course was angry.
"I can't believe we fell for that! Again!" Quil said shaking with laughter.
"What the fuck Renesmee! Are you insane!? We could have killed you! Or Kim!" Jacob said shaking.
I rolled my eyes, "I hate to break it to you Jake but Jared would not let you kill Kim, and since I'm right here he won't let you kill me either. He thought it was funny; they all do, except for you, even Sam laughs at it. Calm down a little and maybe someone will finally like you." I say without thinking, then I gasp, I can't believe that I just said that to Jacob. He is going to kill me.
Jacob stared at me or a moment, his eyes flashing with a lot of emotions, though one was clear. Pain, what I had said hurt him. Even though that should make me happy, it didn't. It actually hurt me to see him hurt, not that I let anyone see it, I've spent years with my family I know how to hide things. Actually I'm the best person ever at hiding their emotions; the only person who is ever able to give me away is Uncle Jasper. Everyone is used to things like that with Uncle Jasper though and he is the only person in the family that knows what really happened between Jacob and I.
"There are people that like me Renesemee, you are just too lost in your own world to figure out who they might be." Jacob said quietly almost as if he was trying to convince himself just as much as me.
I nod, "I'm sure that's the case Jacob, I wouldn't doubt it. Now are you going to continue yelling at me or am I free to go find someone who actually likes me and spend the afternoon with them?"
"Ness, please don't take this the wrong way but maybe you should be so mean to him. I know that you're mad at him, we all are too, but it still hurts him when you are mean to him…" Kim says quietly causing me to whip around at an inhuman pace.
"Ness…" Jared says in a warning tone.
"Sorry Jare. I didn't mean to move so quickly, and it wasn't in anyway a threat towards Kim you should know that I would never hurt her. I was just shocked by what she has to say." I say before turning back to Jacob.
"Jacob, Kim just made me think of something. Are you on Patrol all day today?" I ask.
"No, I'm done now. Sam is about to take over." Jacob says looking at me confused.
I nod and take a deep breath, I can't believe I'm about to do this. Uncle Jasper is going to kill me for even thinking about it, let alone going along with it.
"Then would you and maybe Quil and Embry like to go get some lunch with me? We can catch up." I say looking out to the water right over his shoulder.
I hear everyone in the group go quite; I know that none of them were expecting that. They probably all know exactly what happened between the two of us, with the whole wolf hearing of thoughts thing and all. Then there is the fact that the wolves can't keep anything from their imprints. Yeah I'm guessing they all know and now they are shocked, I never address Jacob now I'm addressing him and I'm asking him to get lunch with me, while everyone knows that I know Embry and Quil have plans. Yeah I'm a sneaky little devil, you can blame that one on my mother, and I do.
"Ness you're sure about this? You're not just doing this because you think this is something that you should do? I don't want you to do anything that you don't want to do." Jacob says looking down at his feet.
"Jake, Uncle Jasper would kill me and you if he knew what I had just asked which is why I am saying that we should do this. I think that it is something that will be good for the both of us. We need this; maybe if we finally talk like normal human beings we will be able to be friends or something again. Then you will be able to stop living your life missing your imprint and I will stop feeling like there is a part of me missing as well, you will still be a far way from being forgiven but it will be something, do you understand what I'm saying?" I say finally looking at him.
Jacob nods and smiles a real smile, the smile that's haunted my dreams for so many years. "That sounds like a good plan; let's go get something to eat. I'll drive, unless you'd like to run back to your place and get one of your fancy cars." He says with a small smirk.
"I think I'm good with whatever car you have here, I don't think not riding in a fancy car will kill me for just a little while." I say with a small smile. It really did feel good to be able to talk to Jacob like a normal person for once, I knew we were still far from being friends but this was still nice, I liked having someone around to be my….well whatever he was.
I grin and start walking towards Jacob so that he can lead the way. I guess I'm going to have to show him that I really mean what I'm saying, not that, that is very surprising. Oh well he'll figure out the truth soon enough. It's not like I'm playing him, I'm not that big of a bitch. I just want to be his friend, or someone that he can have civil conversation with.
"You were being serious about going out with me? I mean as civil people?" Jacob says looking at me wide eyed.
I smile and nod, "Yes I was now come on, before I change my mind."
"Okay, okay." Jacob says smiling and starting to walk.
I quickly say goodbye to everyone and catch up to him, matching his pace easily. Wow, this is going to be so weird I don't even know what I am going to do anymore. I mean I've focused so much energy into hating him and now I don't know what I'm going to do. Yeah I was really that pathetic that I spent time forcing myself to hate Jacob, but if I didn't I was going to love him and I didn't want that, I couldn't love him. I just couldn't let that happen. It would be a horrible thing, I was not going to let him back into my head, and there was no way that I was going to gall back into love with him. I was going to find someone else and I would all in love with them, I would be friends with Jacob though, we both need that. I won't leave him in the dark any longer; I've been a bitch long enough.
"What're you thinking about so hard? You look like you are plotting something evil." Jacob says with a small smile.
"Nothing that great, I was just thinking about what I'm doing right now. It's a huge step for me, I've put a lot of effort into hating you." I say looking down at my feet.
"So now that you've decided to talk to me, you don't know what you're going to do with your time right? You have to find something new to do?" Jacob guessed.
"You always know exactly what I am thinking. That's exactly what is going on right now. I don't know what is going to happen now that I don't want to hate you, what am I going to do with myself? I have a lot of free time, and Uncle Jasper is going to know that I gave up on hating you the moment that he sees me, he's not going to be happy."
"So Jasper knows what happened between us?" Jacob asked quietly.
"Yeah he's the only one that I told about this, I didn't even think about it so my dad doesn't know. Uncle Jasper just felt my emotions then took me hunting then I told him and he agreed to keep it quiet, it turned out well though. I mean no one in my family wants to kill you other than him."
"Yeah no one other than you best fighter." Jacob said with a small smile.
"It doesn't matter anymore though, because I'm over it and he is going to be too because he is going to understand what I thought. Or at least I hope that he'll understand and not want to kill you, I don't want to lose my new friend." I say with a smile.
"A friend? You want to be friends?" Jacob asks cautiously.
"Jake, I've decided I'm going to put what happened between us in the past. We're not going to even talk about it. We are just going to be friends and then you can do what you want and I can do what I want from there."
"I like the sounds of that Ness, but just so you know I never meant what I said back then I was just mad and I never think when I'm mad. Things just come out of my mouth, it doesn't make me any less of an ass but that's what happened. I'm still amazed that you're willing to talk to me right now, this just amazing. I was getting used to having to see you from a distance and survive off that, this is a million times better."
I laugh softly, "You sound kind of like an excited school boy Jake. Well that or a puppy but I don't think you want to be compared to a puppy."
"I'd really prefer you didn't compare me to a dog, but if it makes you happy you can do whatever you want. I just don't want to lose you again Ness…" Jacob says the last part softly, almost softly enough that I didn't hear it.
"You're not going to lose me again Jacob, you seem to be forgetting that the imprint affects me just as much as you, so I was feeling you're pain as well. It wasn't pleasant." I say with a frown, before adding, "We don't have to worry about that now though because we are going to talk like civil people now, right?"
"Right." Jacob nods.
The rest of our walk to the Blacks house was quiet, which was kind of nice. It gave me time to think, which I guess I needed and Jake being Jake knew. I was talking to him again, but did I really want to be? He'd hurt me, horribly. I don't know if I'll ever be able to forget what he said to me, well I know that I won't be able to forget, will I be able to forgive him though, that is the question. I don't know, I still am hurt, every time I see him I'm reminded of what happened. Every time he smiles I'm reminded of the smile he used to give me as a child, a carefree child who he loved so dearly. What changed as I grew older? Why am I not worth loving anymore? I don't get it; it just doesn't make sense to me.
I'm not any different now than I was years ago am I? I mean sure I have the obvious changes, I have boobs now, and I'm taller, and I'm all womanly and whatever. What has really changed though, I'm not a different person, and I'm still Renesmee Cullen, daughter to Bella and Edward Cullen. I was still almost the cause of the death of my entire family, so why now that I'm older am I not good enough for Jacob? I am just not meant to have a happily ever after? Is that what it is, I'm never meant to live through my happily ever after with my prince charming? I can live with that, I just want-I guess now it's more like I wanted- Jacob. I still don't see what I ever did wrong though, I never talk back and I'm the perfect child well not really I have normal kid faults and by now I can't even be considered a child, I'm a young woman. Jacob! Why can't you fucking fall in love with me! Why what is wrong with me!?
Okay, Ness you need to calm down and stop thinking. You are just going to smile and enjoy your afternoon out with Jacob. After that you can decide if you really want to hate him, if you do then you can. If you don't then you can finally leave him alone and he will only be a part of your life so that he isn't in pain. No matter how mad you are with him you know that you're not going to cause him pain, which would bother you, god imprinting is infuriating.
Yeah I really hate imprinting.
So there is this chapter, as I said at the beginning I should be able to have more up soon so i will update again soon.
Please tell me what you think :D