Hey everyone! So here it is, my new story. This is by far the riskiest topic I've ever written and I went back and forth between whether not I wanted to write it, but I wanted to give it a try. I'm going to apologize right now if it upsets anyone. I've had this in the back of my mind since the beginning of S4, and here's the first chapter. Please review if you want me to continue!

Chapter 1: New Year

Rachel knew she was with Brody now.

What happened over winter break shouldn't have happened. What she did was wrong.

But now she knew that it couldn't be erased, and she couldn't pretend it hadn't happened. This choice she'd made would change her life forever, and Finn's life, and probably many other people's, too.

Rachel sat in the living room of her New York apartment. Kurt had already left for Vogue. She'd pretended to be asleep so he couldn't see her when she confirmed her suspicions. She'd called in sick today. As tough as NYADA was, Rachel knew that she'd probably be penalized for skipping, but she didn't care. She couldn't face Brody now.

Maybe it had been a mistake to start a relationship with Brody in the first place. She knew she loved Finn. Her heart would always belong to Finn. She was lying to anyone she told otherwise. But after she broke up with Finn because she thought it was best for both of them, she felt a void in her life. Brody had shown interest in her, so she decided to give a relationship with him a try.

But being with Brody wasn't being with Finn. They'd gone to a Broadway show almost every weekend, but she didn't enjoy them in the ways he'd enjoyed her dates with Finn. He came to her apartment and she made him dinner, but she still felt uncomfortable.

Then of course, there was the matter of intimacy. She wanted Finn to be her only. She let Brody kiss her, but she would NEVER let him sleep with her. She lied and told him that she was a virgin, but that of course wasn't true. He was respectful of her boundaries, which was something.

Rachel did feel bad about what had happened. Brody WAS a good guy. She didn't want to hurt him. He just wasn't the guy for her.

Rachel and Finn didn't speak from the day she flew into Lima to break up with him. It was like he'd told her the day at the train station, they needed to let go. The whole way back to New York, Rachel had been hating herself for breaking up with Finn. She was too ashamed to call him or text him. It would be too hard. She had a feeling he didn't want to see or hear from her.

She was nervous about going home for winter break. She tried to convince her dads to just come to New York and visit her and Kurt, but they really wanted her to come home.

Rachel didn't see Finn for the first few days of winter break. She went out to lunch at Breadstix with Quinn, Santana, Brittany, Mercedes and Tina and to a show with Kurt and Blaine.

But she knew she couldn't avoid Finn forever. Mike had a New Year's Eve party at his house for all current and former members of New Directions. Rachel considered not going, but Kurt had talked her into it, telling her that the party wouldn't be complete without her. It turned out that everyone was there - Mike, Quinn, Finn, Kurt, Santana, Mercedes, Puck, Artie, Blaine, Tina, Sam, Brittany, Rory, Sugar, Joe, Jake, Marley, Ryder and Kitty. At first the girls were hanging out and then Rachel and Finn ended up alone in the kitchen together. Rachel's mind flashed back to that night.

x

"Rachel..." Finn said as Rachel walked into the kitchen.

"Hey Finn," Rachel said. Her stomach was in knots. This was the boy she loved more than anything or anyone in the world. Why was she so nervous?

"You look nice," Finn said.

Rachel looked at her reflection in the mirror. She had grown tired of just wearing black, which was what all the clothes she'd gotten at Vogue seemed to be. Tonight she was wearing a blue miniskirt, a green turtleneck and purple tights. She had her hair wavy tonight, and had clipped back her bangs. And she was wearing the earrings Finn had given her for Christmas last year.

"Thanks," Rachel said. She looked at Finn. She noticed he'd lost even more weight and had kept the shorter haircut. He was wearing a red sweater and black pants. "You look nice too."

"So..." Finn paused. "How are you doing?"

"I'm doing okay," Rachel said. "Did you have a nice holiday?"

Finn nodded. "I got a new set of drums for Christmas."

Rachel smiled. Her plan had been to get Finn new drums for Christmas. "That's awesome."

"What about you, how was your Christmas?" Finn asked.

"Very nice, thanks for asking," Rachel said. "I saw the McKinley production of Grease and the performance at Sectionals by the way. You did a great job. Ryder and Marley are really talented."

"Ryder reminds me of myself," Finn said. "And Marley reminds me of you."

"Are they dating?" Rachel asked.

Finn nodded. Rachel felt ashamed for asking that question. Now she probably had to tell Finn about Brody.

"He seems like a good guy, Rachel," Finn said quietly.

"Who?" Rachel asked.

"Brody," Finn said. Rachel noticed how pained Finn looked when he said that. "He was really nice when we met him in New York."

"Oh... yeah," Rachel said. She didn't want to be with Brody. She wanted to be with Finn. "How did you know?"

"Kurt told me," Finn said. "Are you happy?"

Rachel faked a smile. "Yeah."

Finn gave Rachel a smile that also looked fake. "Good."

"Finn - " Rachel began, trying to stop herself from crying.

"What is it?" Finn asked.

Rachel held back tears as she talked to Finn. "I really hope you find someone who makes you happy."

Finn didn't respond.

"Can I have a hug?" Rachel asked.

Finn nodded. "Of course."

Rachel walked toward Finn and wrapped her arms around him tightly. She smiled in his embrace.

"It was really nice to see you," Rachel said, heading back to join the girls.

What she'd wanted more than anything was to reunite. This winter break had been like the winter break of reunions. Brittany and Santana had gotten back together. Kurt and Blaine had gotten back together. Sam and Mercedes had gotten back together. Mike and Tina had gotten back together. Even Puck and Quinn, who hadn't officially been together since sophomore year, were acting particularly friendly tonight.

Rachel had promised herself that she wouldn't drink after her house party junior year, but she needed to take her mind off what had just happened. She reached into the ice tub and took out a beer.

She didn't see Finn again until the whole group met up to count down the New Year. The group gathered by Mike's TV to count down.

"Finn," Rachel mumbled, walking over to the boy she still loved. She'd had about three drinks by now.

"Hey, Rach," Finn said. He sounded drunk, too.

"Finn," Rachel said again. "I love you."

Finn picked up Rachel. "I love you too."

"I never stopped loving you," Rachel said. "I want some time alone with you."

"Hey Mike," Finn called.

"What's up?" Mike asked.

"Can Rachel and I go to a room by ourselves?" Finn asked.

"Yeah, go to my parents' room," Mike said.

"Wait until we count down the new year!" Ryder said between kisses on Marley's neck.

"TEN - NINE - EIGHT - SEVEN - SIX - FIVE - FOUR - THREE - TWO - ONE!" the group counted. As everyone else cheered for 2013, Finn and Rachel took each other's hands and ran to Mike's parents' room. Mike's parents were spending the night with friends in Columbus, so Finn and Rachel didn't have to worry.

Finn lay down on the bed as Rachel lay next to him. "I miss you," Rachel whispered.

"I miss you too," Finn said.

Rachel leaned in and kissed Finn.

"Rachel - what about Brody?" Finn asked.

"Brody went home to Montana," Rachel said. "Let's not think about Brody. Let's just focus on you, me and right now." She pulled off Finn's shirt as he undid her bra.

x

"I was an idiot," Rachel said to herself. The Hudson-Hummel family went to Florida for the first two weeks of the New Year, so Rachel hadn't seen Finn since the party.

Rachel felt her phone vibrate. She opened it. A text from Brody. "Where are you today?"

Rachel replied to the text. "I'm not feeling well."

Brody texted back. "Anything you want me to bring you?"

"I'm fine, Brody," Rachel texted. "I'm pretty contagious, Kurt left the apartment." She couldn't face Brody. Getting these texts from her made her feel even worse. What she'd done to him was wrong. She shouldn't have gotten with him. Hadn't she learned anything from her "relationships" with Puck and Jesse?

Someday she'd have to tell someone what was going on. But she wasn't ready yet. She'd just found out herself.

Rachel heard the apartment door open. Kurt was home from Vogue. She hid her phone and got out a magazine.

Kurt came into Rachel's room. "Are you okay?"

"I don't feel well," Rachel said.

"Poor Rachel," Kurt said. "Has Brody come by to take care of you?"

"I just want to be alone now," Rachel said, feeling close to tears. Kurt was her best friend. She should tell him about what was going on. But she couldn't.

"Okay," Kurt said, giving Rachel a confused look. "Feel better."

Rachel looked at her best friend. "Kurt?"

Kurt walked over to Rachel's bed. Rachel wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight.

"Are you sure you're okay?" Kurt asked.

Rachel nodded. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"If you say so," Kurt said, leaving the room.

Rachel rolled back over in her bed. Then it came to her. There was someone who could understand what she was going through. When Kurt went to work tomorrow, she'd tell that person. She had to tell someone.

Chapter 2 preview: Rachel tells the one person she knows who could understand what she's going through about what happened and what the results were.