I didn't sleep all night. I couldn't, wouldn't. Every time i closed my eyes, i felt him inside me from Brandon to that time in the ally when i was 13. Spot had stayed left for a bit and when he did, which wasn't for long, i felt scared and helpless again.
Spot was like my drug that i needed to keep me feeling.. safe.
I wanted him right next to me at all times because being alone in my own thoughts was literal torture. I started sobbing again, probably the third time tonight and it was probably only 1 am.
When the doorknob opened, i tried to get up and defend myself from whoever was going to be there, but when i did, i accidentally moved my broken legs. I winced in pain and let out another sob when Spot's silhouette had entered with what looked like a glass of water.
The moon did a beautiful job at enhancing his manly features. His face was soft tonight, eyes and lips so full of worry and anger. I felt bad for putting him through this, having him seeing me like this.
I remembered the first time i had met Spot. Just a few months back and i was a complete bitch to him. Thinking of it had brought a wave of serenity through me.
When Spot had walked closer to me, i could see him fully. His eyes had a lot of bags under them, face etched with worry. "D-don't worry, Spot." i tried to force a laugh, but it just came out as a sort of dry cough.
He handed me the water, to which i abided and drank it, glad i finally got some liquid through me. "I'm sorry." i told him, which changed his expression in a 360 way. First his face darkened then softened, looking down at me with sympathy.
"You'se don't eva say that." I started to talk but he had sat down and caressed my cheek, which, out of instinct, i flinched. That was his face the entire night. It was a mix of sympathy, worry, and sometimes when i wasn't looking- anger.
He hadn't done his usual routine and take off his shirt, which i thought was because he was just too tired. He had cuddled me in and we lay there for hours, not speaking, just listening to the night and our steady isync breathing.
At some point in the night, i knew he had fallen asleep because his arm dropped limp and he started to snore, which he only did when he had a really long night.
I sighed and stayed awake, warm and safe under his arms. Sometimes i would try to sleep but wake up again, nightmares about tonight and from years ago.
When i finally did fall asleep for longer than 15 minutes, i had another nightmare. When i woke up, i didn't mean to but i cried so hard, which awoke Spot, who's grip tightened on me on instinct then loosened.
He turned me around and hugged me so tight. I thought i heard him say "I'se sorry this happened" but i wasn't sure since my crying was too loud. But other than that, he didn't say a thing, just hugged me until i finally stopped.
"I'm sorry.. So sorry sorry sorry.." i cried into his shoulder and he just rubbed my back so soothingly that i managed to sleep again, with no dream this time.
I woke up and found Spot sitting on the bed. It didn't feel like i slept for that long, but it looked like it was around late afternoon. I had moved, which he instinctively turned around with caution in his eyes.
They softened again and i just stared into his eyes. It felt like i wouldn't be able to see his eyes for awhile, so i just savored this moment, every last bit of it.
"Don't you'se eva say sorry again." his comment had caught me by surprise and i furrowed my eyebrows. "I'm-" i started to apologize when he gave me a look saying that i shouldn't.
I coughed and lay back down again. "One last time. And it won't be meaningless." he had got up and was about to yell when i had cut him off
"I'm sorry to have put you through this. I don't know if you like me as much as i like you.. And believe me. It's so much that my heart aches when you aren't physically next to me. I like you so much that- that when you found me half naked and crying, i immediately got insecure because i didn't want you to see all of me for who i was- helpless. I'm sorry that if your feelings are the same as mine are to you, then i'm sorry because you're- you're probably so hurt and tired and worried and angry because i know i would be. I'm sorry that i put you through something like this and ruin your stupid 'player' streak and maybe your entire life because you might never forget this and i can leave if you want me to. I can leave you and never come back if that's what you want because if it'll make your life easier, i would do it in a heart beat. So i'm sorry. So fucking sorry."
I let out a breath that i didn't know i was holding in and looked away when a tear fell from my cheek. When i looked back at him again, he finally broke. He got to his knees and stayed there for a bit before collecting his thoughts.
When he looked up at me again, he looked determined. "You'se ain't leavin'. I'se ain't leavin' you either." he got up and sat on the bed next to me. "I'se am going to get him."
I stared into his determined eyes and managed a little smile. "No, it's okay. I just want you here. With me. Don't do anything you'll regret, Spot." I admired his determination but i didn't want him to get involved. I started planning an escape plan after my legs had healed. I didn't want him to get more involved in a messed up world like mine. I won't have it and if i can't prevent this from happening, i'll do it.
"Oh, trust me'se, i'se won't regret this." he looked out the window and i could almost feel his fury in the room.