By Lord Primeval and Z-King
I do not own the rights to the characters listed in the following story. I do not intend to make a profit. This is just for a laugh. Enjoy.
It was a scorching summer day. Kids were out; playing games, selling lemonade, and running around sprinklers, blissfully unaware of the danger that would soon awaken to obliterate all mankind.
In the Flynn-Fletcher household, the family was carrying boxes into the house after a long drive.
"Why do I have to carry in all this junk?" complained Candace Flynn, whose arms were full of boxes.
"Because," her father explained, "All of this stuff was on sale at the antique shop. The whole place had gone out of business due to its owner suffering from a severe case of insanity."
"Jerry seemed the most stable." Linda replied.
As she spoke, the bottom of the cardboard box slid open slightly. From the tiny opening, a book plopped out and on to the floor. The only ones who actually noticed it on the floor were Phineas and his half-brother Ferb. They set down their boxes filled with antique board games and toys to examine the grounded book. Phineas tried to shout to their parents, but they had already entered the basement, discussing the good moments knowing Jerry of the antique store.
"Wow," began Phineas, "I wonder what kind of book this is." They gazed upon the cover, which was entirely pitch-black except for a strange insomnia. Phineas opened the cover to look for a name and publisher.
"'The Necronomicon: recorded by The Mad Arab Abdul?'" read Phineas. "Pen names back then must have been really depressing"
Inside the book, they found strange images and symbols, until Phineas found something that caught his eye.
""Cthulu: Last of the old gods and high priest to the Great Old Ones,'" He read. "'Dwells in the sunken city of Ryleh, where he sleeps and awaits the day he can usher forth a brand new age for the mortals of Earth.' This Cthulu guy sounds like a pretty cool dude! Maybe he'll cure diseases and end world hunger!" He skipped over to the next page. "Hey look! Here are some instructions on how to bring his awakening to a closer time!" His eyes lit up and the idea theme rang. "Ferb, I know what we're gonna do today!" He did a quick survey of his surroundings. "Hey, where's Perry?"
In the basement, while the other members of the family were looking over their newly found loot, the green platypus slipped on his hat and snuck into the furnace. Inside he slid up and down tubes which lead him to his station to await his orders.
"Good morning agent P." spoke Major Monogram. "As you've noticed, the evil Dr. Doofensmertz hasn't made any technological purchases in the past week. However, now we seem to have strange energy readings around his headcounters'. You know what to do."
Soaring out on his jet-pack, he leapt into action.
Candace spoke with Stacy on the phone. "Yeah, totally!...No not like-"
She heard a strange sound coming from the back yard. She had a feeling on what was up. She stormed down the stairs and out of the house. She was shocked at what she saw. A strange altar was constructed at the center of the yard, while each corner of the yard had odd colored obelisks standing 7 feet tall. 2 bowls with green flames stood beside the altar. The boys wore these bizarre robes with disturbing insomnias. Phineas was carving details in one of the obelisks and Ferb stood there with a fresh goat carcass with a slit throat. Noticing the dagger in Ferb's hand explained the sound she heard earlier.
"Hi Candace." Said Phineas innocently.
Candace stared in horror at the current project. And stared more so at Freb, who was removing the thyroid gland of the goat he just killed. She spoke with a disturbed tone in her voice, "What is going on here?"
"We're performing an ancient blood ritual to bring about the age of Cthulu." Said Phineas. "Wanna help?"
Candace stood in shock. She yelled, "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU TWO?!" and sped back in the house.
Phineas paused to think while Ferb grated the bones of a mal-formed frog.
"You know Freb," he began, "I think she might have a point. Isn't this a little dark? I mean, for someone who will change the world it takes a lot of sick stuff to call him out. Do you think we should skip this one bro?"
"Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulu Ry'eh wgah'nagl fhtagn," said Freb.
Phineas struck a smile on his face. "You're right Ferb! All good things usually take extreme measures! I sure as heck won't give up!" he said proudly. "What's the next thing we gotta do?"
Ferb handed his brother the Necronomicon and read carefully.
"What's an orgy?" Phineas said.
Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!
Perry had busted down the door of his nemesis and charged in. he was appalled by what he saw inside. Along the walls, floor, and ceiling had what looked like giant, blackish gum wads. Most of the place was in shambles and emitted an unpleasant aura.
He crept along, cautiously awaiting a surprise attack. Without warning, he felt something slimy on his foot. At first, he thought he had stepped in one of the gum wads. When he looked down, he realized his foot was actually 2 feet away from it! It seemed like a mal-shaped appendage had jolted from it.
He struggled to escape when suddenly; the entire gelatinous mass sprang on him, engulfing him. It then did a slithering creep onto the wall with eyes and mouths forming and unforming within seconds. Perry's head poked out of the slimy thing to hear a familiar yet disturbing voice. It was his arch enemy, but much paler and had a disturbing look in his eyes.
"Ah! Perry the Platypus!" spoke Dr. D. "How Nice of you to hang around!" short pause. "You know…cause you're…hanging on the… oh lighten up! I was saving that one up all week! Now I bet you're wondering what I've been up to these past few days. Well BEHOLD-THE NECRONOMICON…INATOR!" he said, holding the dark book up for him to see.
"Ok, so it's not really an Inator exactly, but once you've been doing this for lord knows how long you end up slapping that word on everything. Just last week I was trying to sell my Ping-Pong table and I said 'behold my Ping-Ponginator.' Why did I do that? No wonder I can't get rid of my junk. Anyway, I realized a long time ago that all of my techno-babble has gotten me nowhere in my evil schemes. They always end up exploding in my face-literally-because of somebody!
"So I thought to myself, 'ok, so science has gotten me nowhere-maybe I should try magic!' I attended this school for magic-I can't remember what the place was called, but I ended up blowing the place up in potions class. The teacher went a little overboard by expelling me. I think he's a Death eater or something. Then about two weeks ago, my daughter Vanessa left this book here during her weekend with me."
Perry rolled his eyes and continued listening to his crazed rant.
"And so, with this book I was able to summon forth these little assistants- Shoggoths." He said as one slithered close to his leg. "I'm especially fond of this one- I call him Snuggles." He gave the gelatinous, drooling pile of eyes, mouths and tentacles a loving scratch. "I just really hope it's his chin I'm scratching; it's really hard to tell what part is what on these things. With this book, I've seen things beyond our mind's capacity; Azathoth, The Shadow beyond Time, The color out of space, The Yellow Sign, The Mother of Pus, all these images flow in my brain after just reading these pages. So now, I will use its power to summon forth Yog-Sothoth; The All-in-one and finally conquer the Tri-State area!"
Back at the Flynn/Fletcher household, Candace rushed down to the basement.
"Mom! Mom!" she cried out, "Phineas and Freb are performing a demonic Pagan ritual in order to summon an ancient demonic god!"
"Don't be ridiculous Candace, we're Catholic." Linda said.
Candace kept insisting, "But they are! They have so kind of dark book that they're using to do all this! Come outside I'll show you!"
Linda rolled her eyes and answered, "Haven't I heard this bit before?"
Candace kept budging, "But it's true! They're sacrificing goats, wearing robes, speaking in weird tongues, and grating amphibian bones! They're outside doing it right now!"
Her mother ignored her while her father pulled out a 'Where's the Beef?' T-shit out of one of the boxes. This caused some nostalgic giggling out of the couple.
With the ritual part-way complete, the boys were on their computers, trying to locate the lost city of Ryl'eh to help their efforts.
"Well friends," Phineas announced to Freb, Buford, Baljeet, and Isabella, "according to our instruments, the city of Ry'eh is located at the bottom of Danville's own lake!"
"Finally!" exclaimed Buford, "Cthulu's actually wakin' up! Took long enough."
Phineas then proclaimed, "Ok, we are heading out! Any questions?"
Isabella raised her hand, "Was killing that goat earlier really necessary?"
"Yes," he answered, "Yes it was."
Just outside the home a few moments later, Candace rushed out to find the boys and their finds moving out. As she chased after them, she rammed into Jeremy.
"Whoa Candace, where's the fire?" he asked.
The butterflies in her stomach went ballistic. She snapped out of her love-trance for a moment to explain the situation.
"Sorry Jeremy, I gotta' go! My bothers are doing some kind of horrible Pagan ritual! They're sacrificing goats, grating frogs, creating political campaigns, and Cthulu with Nyarlathotep and-"
"Wait," he said, "did you say Cthulu?"
Candace answered, "Well, yeah. So anyway-"
"At last! It's happening!" Jeremy shouted, "I'a I'a Cthulu!"
Candace stood there staring, appalled by her love interest. She asked, "Wait, you know about all this?"
"Uh, yeah. My family worships the all-powerful Cthulu. Always have," he replied. "Just last week, we stabbed our neighbors to death after finding out they were followers of Him who Is Not to be Named."
"B-b-b-u-bu-bu-bu" Candace started, but was interrupted. "What? You thought that a gorgeous, bland dream boy with an Edward-esque personality wouldn't have some kind of flaw or skeleton in his closet?"
Candace merely ran off, madness creeping all corners of her mind.
Back with Doof and Perry, things were getting grim. Dr. D had become part-way finished with the dark ritual. Perry struggled to escape from the fleshy trap. Finally, he wriggled free, but the screeching sounds from the Shoggoth alerted Dr. D.
He quickly commanded, "No, no! Catch him my minions!"
As he barked on, Perry went in hyper-fight mode against the Shoggoths. Bits and pieces of the gigantic globs flung everywhere. He had the upper hand (or paw maybe?), fighting on and on, lunging himself toward his-
SHLOOORROP! Perry was gobbled up in one swooping motion by one of the Shoggoths. Doof looked angry.
"NO! SNUGGLES!" he yelled, "Spit him out! Right now Snuggles!"
The Shoggoth regurgitated this slimy, mucus-like mass with a similar color to Perry's. All that was in the mess were platypus bones and a hat.
Doof angrily replied. "Oh yuck! Oh-OH! You digested him?! That's a bad Shoggoth! Who's going to defeat me now?" he rolled up a newspaper and smacked the slimy creature. "Bad Snuggles! Bad boy!"
The Shoggoth rose up, melding itself into a pillar of gyrating spikes, teeth, and red angry eyes.
At Danville's famous beach, the boys were near complete with their ritual. They said the final incantation above a large bowl filled with the stewed ingredients they prepared earlier.
"V'zoran kmjuro'j ruvkl R'yleh!" the children shouted, finishing the ritual. They stared into the ocean, awaiting the arise of the lost city. But nothing arouse.
"Maybe we didn't say please?" Baljeet asked.
Then, slowly, the ancient city built with non-Euclidian geometry began to rise from the depths of the sea. The children stared in awe at the wonder. They began to approach the city, to greet the great old one inside.
Doof was learning an important lesson that day- NEVER TICK OFF A SHOGGOTH! Snuggles the Shoggoth formed itself into a large mass of mouths and spikes.
"Ok, ok," he said, "Daddy's very sorry! Hey- who wants a sugar cube?"
Eventually, Snuggles got the upper hand and pounced on Doof, tearing at his flesh. His blood splattered on his ritual table, soaking into the ritual's ingredients. His blood was the final part of the dark ritual. On the other side of the great void, the all-in-one had responded, slowly approaching their reality.
The two boys made their way into the tower of Cthulu, only one more room to go. They opened the door and there he was-Cthulu, the great one. He lay there dreaming in his deep slumber.
"Hey Cthulu," said Phineas, "I'm Phineas and that's Ferb. We're the ones who rose up your city to change the world for the better."
Suddenly, a great booming voice entered their minds, the voice of Cthulu.
"Aren't you a little young to bring forth the Old Ones?"
Phineas answered, "Yes, yes we are. Now, in order to change the world, we'll first have to get you into law school. After being elected presi-"
The psychic voice of Cthulu interrupted. "In order to make the rituals complete and bring forth my awakening, I will need the death of one you."
Phineas looked shocked. "Sorry, but that's a little too extreme for us. And besides, our friends were eaten by your Star Spawns earlier; I think that qualifies as enough deaths for one day. So this isn't going to work. Am I right Ferb?"
His brother stared at him with a disturbing look.
His green-haired sibling began to form a deranged smile while pulling a dagger out of his cloak. He then said, "I know what I'm going to do today!"
Ferb lunged at Phineas, stabbing him multiple times as he shouted, "I'a Cthulu!"
After Phineas was killed, a great tremor shook the city of R'yleh. The giant blazing eyes of Cthulu opened up. He had finally awakened.
Candace looked all around Danville. Fires, blood, murders, Shoggoths, and other horrible things ran wild all around her. She had only one thing on her mind….
….she had to tell mom.
Cthulu hatefully devoured soul after soul, fueling his might. There was nothing these foolish mortals could do to stop him.
Suddenly, a large portal opened into this reality. Out of the portal came a great mass of globes. It was he- Yog-Sothoth. He saw Cthulu staring up at him with his dark eyes. Their battle began, with bolts of energy flying from and towards each other.
Finally, Yog-Sothoth decided that he could not directly defeat Cthulu at this time. But he could slower the process of his rise to glory. Using his almighty power, Yog-Sothoth warped the laws of time and space, reverting it so it was as if nothing happened. All who died this day would live again, but the ones who lived would remember all that occurred. Cthulu was stoped…for now.
Phineas and Ferb sat under the tree in their back yard, as if nothing happened. The door slammed open as Candace pulled her mother outside.
"SEE!" she said, "They really did it! They caused the apocalypse!"
Her mother gave a quick gaze then glared at Candace. Candace, who seemed more disturbed in her life than ever before, went back inside.
Phineas was looking over the plans for today's project. He was blissfully unaware of the events that transpired. But Ferb remembered everything. One thought echoed in his mind.
Don't worry my lord, this time, it will be different. I'a Cthulu!
(This story was made by my pal Lord Primeval hope you guys Liked it.)