I nearly collapsed when he told me how he met his fiancé. I could see his eyes soften as he spoke of her. This other woman. This other woman that up until three years ago was nothing more than a strange face on an unknown street. Now, she was his whole world. I suppose I deserve this. He admitted how he had hated me for sparing his life and sacrificing those innocent villagers. Not a day went by that I did not question my decision. I now see that it matters little to my fate, either way I will be parted from him. By sparing him, I not only caused him survivor's guilt, I destroyed lives that had families and loved ones. To add insult to injury he has found love for someone else; someone who saves lives and does not cause him guilt or the agony of hating someone he once loved.
I watch him turn to me with conflict in his eyes and offer me a choice; do I offer him over freely to his fiancé, or do I selfishly embrace him and claim him as my own once again. I do not want to answer but I know if I don't I will only make it worse. I want so badly to tell him to leave his fiancé and come back to the castle with me; to stay by my side always; to take him and ravish him the way I always wanted. But I don't. I do the noble, upright thing. I tell him the truth that his fiancée is a good woman, who needs him and if she truly makes him feel as though he is for the first time doing some good in this world then she deserves him far more than I ever did or could. That she is a better woman than I.
After I finish talking, I struggle to stay erect as if my mind does not believe the words I had been saying. I can feel a bitterness creep onto the back of my tongue and the acid in my stomach churn with nausea. I see a stray tear at the corner of his eye. He blinks it away and nods. He, as if hoping I won't hear whispers a biting "thank you".
We proceed towards day light.
At the end of the tunnel, he runs to his beloved. She is collapsed on the ground. She comes to and supposes her fiancé's captor had hit her on the head. She embraces her love and names him as such aloud. He returns her words and her love. I am now painfully aware of my own presence when she thanks me for returning her love safely. I nod. Her safely returned lover once again captures her attention.
As silently as I am able, I escape from their presence and head for the door. Making my way down the stairs into the street, I once again nearly collapse, but this time, instead of my wits, my knees would catch me. I want so badly to cry, to sob uncontrollably. And why shouldn't I? I am not ashamed! Instead, I kneel in the street. I stare at my palms wondering why they are not catching raindrops. I realize it is not raining. It is actually quite bright out despite the looming city's attempt to block out the sky. Perhaps the weather decided it is best to reflect the reunited lovers rather than a tired princess holding onto a child's dream.
Climbing to my feet, I stumble and stagger before finding my footing. The reality of letting go what could have possibly been the love of my life still penetrating my very soul. It was a childish dream that I felt I was entitled to, I was the princess after all, the princess and yet not good enough for him. O, how I desire self-destruction in any form I can discover! Do I have too much self-control? I engage two separate whores yet both times fail to go through with it. I stumble into a pub but drop my glass before the rim reaches my lips. Perhaps I will rejoice at my self-control later, right now I pine for a distraction.
I make my way to the outskirts of the city and to my delight, some thugs have picked their fight with me. It's all I can do to keep from squealing when I do not obliterate them too quickly. I can feel pain and I can cause pain with every strike! Finally, my battle is over and I am left with little more than cuts and bruises and defeated opponents. I reflect once again on my decision to spare him all those years ago… Perhaps I could have recovered from his death knowing I made the right choice by saving those villagers. Do I think too selfishly? Too narrowly? Those villagers had families they could have raised up strong and taught those families of how their lives were spared, inspiring them to be upright and to make a positive impact on the world around them. However, sparing my love, he has found other love in a nobler woman than I, a woman who provides for needy and misfortunate. With my love by her side, the two of them can make a difference and change the face of the lower end of the city. Either way, he was not destined for me. We were destined to be apart.