OGM OGM OMG! I was so fucking horny and there stood this god of a man before me smirking at my screwed up wanton face. My fingers had unconsciously grabbed my hooch just moments before my thighs clenched together trying to fend off some pretty hot fucking needs. With my toes pointing inwards, I'm sure I looked like a surprised idiot from some Japanese anime. You know the look – cross-eyed, bottom lip caught between my teeth and sweaty exclamation marks surrounding my head! Thank fuck I was wearing jeans and not a skirt or I know I would have flashed the sex god the front of my panties as my hooch sung 'Hallelula'.

Seriously, dudette, I needed to get a grip, and no, not the grip my fingers currently had, but on my adult … ness; yet this creature, this walking releaser-of-sexual-tension befuddled any cognizant thought in my head.

"Um … Excuse me, miss? Hello …"


"The women's toilets are out the back."

Turning my head to the unwanted intrusion to my ogling without taking my eyes off the hot swizzle stick, a modicum of sanity returned. Oh, fuck. I so wanted to make like a chameleon and hide. I assumed it was the waitress talking to me, but there was no way in Hades was I going to allow myself to acknowledge the embarrassment of my situation in her eyes.

"Oh … er … sure. Thanks"

The luscious lolly-cock in front of me turned bright cherry red – mmm yummy – as long slender fingers scratched at the luscious mop of milk chocolate brown hair on top. One last look at the sex of my dreams and I took off in the direction of the toilets - Speedy Gonzales had nothing on me.

"Rose? Fuck. Rose!"

"Shit, Bells. What!?"

"I'm in the toilet stall at Coffee Spot"

"And …?"

"Fuck, Rose! Just come get me, please! I need you to make a diversion so I can get out of here."

"And why the fuck would I do that? Didn't you have enough money to pay your bill?"

"Grr … No. Yes, shit. Of course I had enough. I … I …"

The door to the toilets banged against the wall as some stupid girls giggled.

"Did you see that retard with her hands between her legs?" Girl one snorted.

"Yeah. She looked like she pissed herself!" Girl two sounded rather disgusted. Believe me, I was disgusted with myself.

"Wonder where her carer was?" a sweet voice drifted through the derision awash in the room.

"Bella? Bella! Hey! Pay attention to the phonecall you've made, or I'm gonna hang up on your sorry ass!" Trust Rose to be so supportive.

"I'm here. Just please come get me. I promise to explain then. Please, Rose. Please." My whole body seemed to slump over the filthy toilet seat.

"K. Be there in twenty."

"Make it ten."

"Fuck off." With that, my soon-to-be-rescuer left me hiding my face in the toilet cubicle for a whole hour.

"Fucking Christ! You should have seen Bella's face! We all know she gets in to some pretty fucked up situations, but this one is for the World Records!" Rose was absolutely, shit-faced drunk. My lack of cock-play had obviously replicated, en masse, my 'stupid chromosome', much to the delight of Rose's story telling. Alice could hardly breathe as tears streamed down her flushed cheeks, laughing so hard, forcing her to wrap her arms around her sides. Cheeky shit! Good thing I'm used to their enjoyment at my constant state of fucked-up-ness. Way to go, me.

"I found Bella in the toilet cubicle with her hand over her mouth and nose. Some female had the runs in the stall next to her! I swear Bella was about to throw up!"

I kicked Rose in the thigh with my toes to try to shut her up. Of course, that didn't work.

"Hey! I rescued you. I can tell the story how I want." Rose cuddled one of the large cushions on my old comfy lounge chair. Alice had sprawled on the floor on the opposite side of the coffee table. That poor old coffee table has seen many a drunken fest, heard many drunken sex tales and suffered through spillages and dents for as long as I could remember.

"I was wondering what that smell was. Shit, girl, go have a shower!"

"Fuck off, Alice."

"Seriously, though, I did manage to get Bella out of there, but only because I overheard some girl talking about Bella having lost her 'Carer'. I told the staff I'd been notified by Disability Services that Bella's 'Carer' lost her nearby and we'd been searching the area for her. The staff couldn't help us get her out of there fast enough!" Of course, another round of hysterics ensued.

"Um … Bella. What happened?" Finally, I had a real question worth answering.

"Well, Alice. You know how I've not had any luck in that department …"


"You know, bumping uglies, hiding the sausage?"

"Eww, Bella. Just say sex! Sex. Say it with me, baby! SEX!"

"Shut up Al, for fuck's sake!"

"Ah, no. I will shut up when you do have sex. Hm … Nah. I'll scream first then shut the fuck up!"

"Good one." Rose snorted so loudly causing Alice to fall back on the floor laughing her dainty arse off!

Fine. If they wanted to be dicks about my lack of a sex life, then … fine! Just peachy!

"Come on Bells, you know we're just 'fucking 'with you!"

Nuck. Nothing. Nil. Mouth closed, arms crossed. Bitch face on.

Rose placed her hand on my thigh.

"Sorry. Come on. Tell us. What actually happened?"

"I don't want to tell you now. You just laughed at my sex status. That kinda put me off, ya know."

"Okay. I am sorry." Alice did seem contrite. Rose nodded in agreement.

"Alright. You know how I've been pretty wound up lately, on account I've never played …"

"It's called sex, Bella" Bitch face Alice was in full effect.

"Sex. There. I said it. Anyhow, I've been wound up-"

"You've told us this part, already." Rose whined.

"Let me, the fuck, finish! So, I'd just finished reading a chapter from that weird book, and my double-shot espresso. Anyway, I was more than a little wound up after reading this one chapter-"

"What chapter?" Rose was such a pervert.

"Um … The one with the 'Union' sex scene in it"

"Damn, that's hot!" Alice couldn't help but squirm around on my floor.

"Alice, stop self-fucking on Bella's floor, you slut!" Alice shot Rose a pout.

"K. You two right, now?" Bobbing heads from a dashboard came to mind.

"Right. K. Strung up on coffee and unfulfilled sexual needs were at the forefront of my mind when I got out of my seat. I was halfway to the door when I saw the most deliciously lickable, fit-looking piece of 'please-let-me-fuck-you', standing right in front of me. Naturally, Bella's 'stupid chromosome' came out to play and I ended up grabbing my hooch as I drooled at the sight before me."

Dead silence. No proverbial pin dropping. No breathing.

And then it hit. Squeals of laughter so loud, they were unable to resonate off my lounge room walls. It was like sitting next to a rock concert speaker whilst the guitarist hit the distort button. All I could do was sit there and ride it out. Eventually the girls I called my closest friends would fall back to earth. But somehow, that didn't happen until after I finished cooking dinner.

"So, Bella. How was Mr. Darcy in the flesh?"

"Fuck you, Rose. He was better than any Mr. Darcy I could ever imagine." I wonder if I would get any pubes on my tongue if I licked his cock from base to tip?


"Yep. She's a goner." Alice was such a smug arse-hole.

"What colour were his eyes? His hair? Was he big like Em?"

"No, Rose. Mr. D was certainly built, but lean, smooth …" Think I need to change my panties – again. "His hair was milk chocolate brown.. I didn't see his eyes."

"Really? You managed to take in all that but not see his eyes? Wow, Bella. That must have been some package" Alice nudged Rose in the arm with her shoulder – such a short-arse!

"Part of me is glad I didn't. I mean, can you imagine how mortifying it would have been to see him look at me like I was not all there upstairs? If that's gonna be my reaction every time I see a guy I want to do the horizontal with-"

"Sex, Bella." They both chimed in unison.

"Fine. Have sex with – better? Hmph. Then I'm never, ever going to get any. Still, I bet his eyes are just as beautiful as the rest of him."

"I'm sorry, Bella. You will get to spread your legs for a real man one day, then poor ole Mr. Pinky won't know what to do with himself."

"Shit, really? Rose? Bella still has Mr. Pinky? Gross! That thing needs retiring!"

"Okay. Okay. That's enough. We need to discuss my wardrobe for next week. Need I remind you I start my new job on Monday?"

"Yes!" the energizer bunny that is Alice skipped off to my bedroom leaving Rose and I to clean up the dishes,

"Fucking typical; I hate how she gets out of doing the dishes every time we get together." Mumbled Rose.

Well, the night with the devil twins was finally over, my clothes were sorted for the week, so all I had to do now was give myself a much needed pep talk to keep me focused on my new job. Groan …

My new job. How will I explain this job to my dad? I had no fucking idea. No, that's not true. I did have an idea, I just didn't want to do it. Chicken-shit, by thy middle name, through and through.

Crap! I could picture it now …

"Hi dad."

"Hey, Bells"

"I have news."


"Um … yeah. I … er … You know how I love reading and always wanted to work in a bookstore?"

"You got a job in a bookstore, honey? I'm so proud of you!"

"Yeah. Thanks, dad."

"So ..?"


"Where is it? What's the store called? Can I get a discount?"

"Oh. Um … It's in town, on Main Street. I can find out if you can have a discount after I start working there."

"Sounds good."




"There is no bookstore on Main Street."

"Huh? Oh. Um … There is. It's just tucked away."

"Behind a red brick wall?"

How the fuck would dad know that? "Yeah …?"

"You're selling porn? Bella! How could you?"

"How did you know it was a porn shop and how did you know where it was, dad!?" Yeah, back at ya!

Yep. Total cluster fuck, but I knew I would have to come clean with dad, eventually.

So, how did I spend the rest of my weekend? Reading that book and fantasizing over the luscious lolly-cock. Good thing I had plenty of spare panties!