10 Ways to Butcher Names (NxHP)
Idiot, what did I tell you about insulting different cultures?!
Warning: Probable bad writing and bad humor. Maybe OOC-ness? Meh, whatever.
Disclaimer: Unless Santa pulls through, and get's me the rights to Naruto and Harry Potter, last time I checked, I do not own.
AN: I. . . Coundn't help myself. This is just crack-ish humor. I think it's funny, anyway.
"Hey, Sakura-chan! Where are we going again?"
"Baka! Stop yelling so much!" She snorted a little, "Anyway, it's an Order of some kind."
"Eheheh, like an order of ramen?"
"No, like an organized group."
"Oh, right. I knew that Sakura-chan."
. . .
"So. . . What's it called?"
"What's what called?"
"The order thingamagig."
"It's just an order."
"No one's stupid enough to name an order 'The Order'. Not even I would do that Sakura-chan."
"Mah, mah, I think it's a foreign name."
"Really Kakashi-sensei? What is it, what is it?" A scroll was tossed to him, and Naruto strangely felt two eyes boring into the back of his head. He browsed over all the boring things, and just looked for things he couldn't read. He finally found what the order was called, he opened his mouth, then closed it. He looked real close, but he still didn't say anything.
So absorbed in trying to think of how to pronounce the strange word, he hadn't realized they were within yelling distance of the very place they were discussing.
"What the hell is a 'Po-ho-eh-nee-x', dattabayo?!"
One of the people sent to meet the strange guards coughed a chuckle, while the other had no disregards about letting out a bellow of a laugh. So much for sneaky ninja.
"Ah, you must be the ninja, welcome to The Order of the Phoenix."
Naruto stared at him for a moment, "That's a stupid name."
"Idiot! Don't be rude!" She turned to the two bemused greeters and bowed, "Please, forgive my teammate, he a little touched in the head when it comes to manners."
"But it is a stupid name Sakura-chan!"
"Moron! What did I say about insulting different cultures?"
"Not to do it."
"No harm, no foul. Really, there's no need for that. We're not really sure what the name means anyway." The man scratched the back of his head, "My names Remus, and this is Tonks. It's a pleasure to meet you."
"It's a pleasure to meet you as well. I'm Sakura Haruno, this idiot is Naruto Uzumaki" "Dattaba-ouch!" "and this is Kakashi Hatake, the captain of this mission."
"Good, good, now, we need you to look at this, and memorize it. Please, do not say it out loud." A small piece of paper was passed around, and the ninja barely paused to read it.
The complex before them seemed to grow and stretch. The two wizards seemed to be waiting for a reaction from the guards and were a little off put when they got none. It wasn't really that big of a deal, probably just a seal based genjutsu. And them being an odd bunch themselves, it took quite a bit to unsettle them. These wizards were going to need to try harder.
The amount of people that stared at them when they entered was a little concerning, but they managed to be herded to a small conference room, where they would hopefully be getting the complete set of mission details.
"Ah, I see that Tsunade has sent me a fine team of shinobi." And old wizard, that reminded them all strangly of Sarutobi said.
"Hai, sensei. I am Sakura Haruno, this is Uzumaki Naruto, and the team captain for this mission is Kakashi Hatake. It is a pleasure to meet you."
"Good, good." He clapped his hands together, "Come, sit. We have much to discuss. We were actually just talking about your mission." He gestured to the already gathered group of people, eyeing them with either curiosity or animosity. "If I may, how much were you informed. I told Tsunade much more than I'm sure she actually put in that scroll of yours."
Sakura looked at the old man again, he seemed to understand the way their village worked more than most. "We were told that we were requested for a priority protection detail for one Harry Potter-"
"Harry potter? Why don't you just tell us his name?"
"Idiot, that is his name."
"You mean to tell me that his parents named there kid harry potter? That sounds like some, I dun know, creepy old guy who makes those weird clay dishes Kaka-sensei has."
There was muffled snickering and all around staring. It seems they weren't used to Naruto-isms yet.
"Moron, what did I say about insulting different cultures?"
"Not to do it, right."
The deja vu was not lost on Sakura.
"Anyway, since Harry Potter is of schooling age, he will be attending Hogwarts School of "*giggle*"Witchcraft and Wizardry "*snort*" we will-do you have something to say Naruto?"
"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's just… Howarts? I can live with Harry Potter, but Hogwarts? Bwahaha!"
"You know, he's got a point Sakura-chan. . ."
"Uhg, not you too Kakashi-sensei!"
"Hey, a hog is a pig, right? Right, so then it's really Pigwarts, or Pigfarts, or something right?"
. . .
"Kakashi, aren't boys supposed to grow out of bathroom humor when they're, I don't know, thirteen?"
"I wouldn't know, child genius." Sakura face palmed.
"Anyway, since Harry Potter is attending Hogwarts, our secondary charge will be to protect the school, primarily the children, should anything happen. The main concern is that your security was breached last year by a Death Eater, who is-Yes Naruto?"
He put down his wildly waving hand, "What's a Death Eater?"
"If you had actually read the mission details, you would know!"
"But Sakura-chan, reading is so boring!"
"I can see that."
"Fine, a Death Eater is an evil wizard."
"Sounds like a bunch of losers who have heart burn all the time, I mean, who the hell actually eats death?"
"Apparently dark wizards who follow Voldemort."
"Nani? Voldemort? Sounds like one of your weird medical words."
Sakura took a deep breath, pinched the bridge of her nose, and dared to look around the room. Most of the wizards and witch didn't look offended, which was a good thing. In fact, except for the occasional look of disbelief, most seemed to be enjoying themselves. She glared at them. When Naruto was turned loose, she wasn't going to help them. She was going to let them suffer.
"Naruto, Voldemort is like. . . the Orochimaru of the Land of Wands."
Naruto scrunched up his face, into what Sakura called his 'Thinking Face'. That was all irony if she ever heard it.
"Ahahahahaha! You mean to tell me that Snake Face's Magical Cousin calls himself Voldemort!? Ahahahaha, that's like an endless amount of bad jokes! Ahahaha, like, like, oohhh, like Moldyshorts! Or, or, or, Voldy, or Vo-Mo, Haha, or Mo-Vo! This is great! Ahahaha!"
Sakura coughed, "Actually, they don't refer to him by name, they call him 'He-who-must-not-be-named' or 'You-know-who'."
"Seriously?" He looked around the room and shook his head, "Man, what a waist. . ."
"Na-ru-to. . ."
"Right, right, be 'culture-ly nice'. Got it.'
The fact that he raised his voice to a painful degree to mock Sakura, or used air quotes didn't help.
"Anyway, we will be guarding the castle and one Harry Potter. But, because the government has recently pushed for control, and now has a teaching spot, you want us to keep an eye on her. The sub-target's name is Dolores . ." Sakura trailed off, before looking to Kakashi, who shrugged. She shrugged back at him, and decided just to hash through the name. They did seem to be in the business of butchering names today. "Ooo-bl-ee-d—gay?"
At that, Remus and the scraggly man next to him burst into uncontrollable laugher, "Oh my god! Ahahaha! Oobleedgay! Ahahahah! I can't take it anymore! No more, no more! Ahahahaha! Did you hear that Rumus! Hahaha! That hag that *snicker snicker* is all 'Anti-everything'-Oobleedgay! Ahahaha!"
A couple others were laughing as well, even the ones that had been looking at them distrustfully were now chuckling mirthfully, at least.
"Did I say something wrong?"
"Ah, my dear, a simple cultural mishap. The charm that you are wearing doesn't compensate for pronunciation when you're reading. The correct way of saying it is Umbridge."
A pretty little blush spread over her cheeks as her two companious chuckled. Her face morphed into a scowl, and she stomped on Kakashi's foot.
"What was that for? Naruto was laughing to."
"I was expecting that of Naruto. You're older and more mature."
Kakashi rolled his eyes, and shifted his weight onto his good foot. It seemed they were going for the 'likable/friendly/goofy/wouldn't cut your throat out in the middle of the night' card. Oh well, at least he would be able to read his book.
"Anyway, as I was saying, our sub-target is Umbridge. We are to keep an eye on her, and possibly sabotage any and all plans she has should they ruin any aspect of a students life. The mission has the possibility to grow at anytime during the nine month span, and is applicable for on-the-spot lengthening, should it arise " Sakura took a deep breath, "I believe that covers what we were told, Dumber-door-sensei."
Naruto started to snick, "You said dumber-door. . . *snicker*. . . Oi, why's your name so funny Dumb-door-jiji?"
All the people in the room jumped, caught off guard by the monstrous hit the small girl dished out on her 'touched' teammate. There was now several cracked floorboards, and a moaning blonde on the ground.
"What did I tell you-"
"Not to be stupid! I can't help it Sakura-chan! It's tooooo tempting!"
"Tempting? Tempting?! Are you seventeen or seven!"
"Seventeen. . . Dattabayo. . ."
"Arg! You're so frustrating!"
"Yes, Sensei?" She turned off her 'monster-mode' as she addressed the client, refusing to use his name. Getting Naruto going again would not be a good idea.
"I do believe you were close. It's Dumbledore. The 'R' is actually a hard 'L'."
"Ah, thank you."
. . ."It's still a weird name. . ."
"Na-ru-to. . ."
Dumbledore clapped his hands together, "I think that just about sums it up. There is a bit of background history that I'm sure will help you out. Now, it all started. . ."
"Man, that was one boring ass meeting."
"Don't be so crude Naruto."
"Ya, ya. . . I just want to get to the action, all this mumbo-jumbo is making my head hurt."
"You know, when you become Hokage, you're going to have to do this all the time."
"Uh-Uh, when I become Hokage, I'm going to make all these boring meetings fun. I'll make everyone talk in rhyme, and have music and drinks, and it'll be a party!"
"Only you, Naruto, would consider making a debriefing a disco party."
"Hey now, not a disco party. Hasn't anyone told you sensei, disco is dead."
"Mah, my mistake, I must have missed it."
"If you didn't have you're nose buried in porn all day, you would have known."
Their conversation drifted off as they came into view of several teens. They recognized as there target, and two others has his best friends.
"Guys, I don't know how to say there names either…"
Sakura and Kakashi shared a look, they didn't really either.
"Hey, you guys look new, what are you doing around here?" The red head, Ron, asked.
"Ron, don't be rude." The girl, Herm-something or another, scolded him.
"What, I was just asking."
"Yes, we're foreign aide, Dumbledore-sensei is good friends with our leader, and she agreed to send us to help the resistance." Surprisingly, it was Naruto who said this. The vocabulary was above him, but he did grow up in the Hokage's office, and one or two of Iruka's lectures must have stuck somewhere. "Yes, Dumbledore tell us all about you. You're. . ."He paused, smacking his lips together, "Ron Wee-Ree? And you're He-rimmy Glander?"
The two of them just stared at Naruto for a moment, before everything happened at once.
Harry started to laugh. Ron sputtered and turned a bright shade of red. Hermiony started to lecture, correctly assuming that the foreigners weren't used to there language.
" Actually, his name is Ron Weasley. The 'O' is not elongated, just staying short. Weaslry, you dropped the 'S' and mispronounced the 'L'. My name is Hermiony Granger. Her-my-o-ny Grang-er."
"Oh. Weasley sounds like weasel. Why is your name like weasel? You don't look like a weasel."
"I don't know, it's my family name!"
. . ."A family of weasels then."
"Hey, my family-"
"Moron! What the hell did I tell you-"
"But it's too easy Sakura-chan! I can't help it!"
"It's there culture. Don't. Be. Rude."
"Eh, sorry about him. It's just a big culture shock for him, you see."
They nodded, not really sure what to say.
Ron just stared at the pink haired little girl, who apparently kept the blonde-moron on a leash. Well. At least he didn't have to lecture anyone about his family.
The golden trio just stared as the odd trio of foreigners started to walk past them, and into the dining room where most of the order was.
"Hey, Granger-san?" Naruto asked.
"You're name's to hard. You should get a nick name."
"Hey, I'm just saying Sakura-chan!"
. . .
"Is it just me, or are those foreigners really weird?"
"It's not just you Ron."
"Hey, ninja's!" The wild looking man that sat next to Remus waved them over. The three exchanged a small glance before making there way over. They were playing nice, after all.
"Man, you guys. . . I haven't laughed that hard since I was in school!" He thumped Naruto on the back, "I'm Sirius, by the way."
"Nice to meet you, I'm happy!"
"No, my name is Sirius."
"Oh, a dark and dreary name? I have a friend like that too!"
"ARG! My name is Sirius Black!"
"Oohhh. . . I don't get it. You don't look serious. Or black. In fact, you look rather pale in peckish. Are you sick?"
Behind Naruto, Sakura smirked wickedly as Sirius Black face palmed and continued to argue with her blond teammate.
Let's see how those snickering wizards handled a full dose of Naruto. Not so funny now, was it?