I own absolutely nothing from Criminal Minds, CBS, Mark Gordon, CTV, and whatever else may be affiliated with Criminal Minds. My brain just saw something it liked and decided it wanted to play and add stuff that wasn't there before.

Author's Note: Hey there! Angie is writing fan fiction again. Yay! Umm, so, I went on a total hiatus and disappeared for like, 6 months …yeah…I can't tell time. Sorry about that. But I'm back! Watching a Criminal Minds marathon made me realize how much I wanted to write and add details and thoughts and create images and just let go and enjoy myself. This was one of the ideas my brain decided to go crazy on (seriously – I prewrote most of these scenarios in my head). So, I wrote it out! :D Yay! Now, for the record, I will be getting back to Garcia's Contact Lenses and writing some other little things – I just need to go where I wanna go right now. I need to satisfy myself…Now, let's just get to reading before this a/n gets too long. xD

Quick Warnings: Spoiler 3x20 and little for 4x01. Seriously – if you haven't watched those episodes, DO NOT CONTINUE READING.

So basically what's going on here is that I wanted to write what was going through Hotch's head during the first explosion in the season 3 finale/season 4 opener, and what was going on in his head in future explosions and loud noises that we see affect him in future episodes. That led to all of this odd writing, which is told in Hotch's p o v. Hope it makes sense! And if it does, enjoy! And if doesn't, let me know! And review! xD

Now, without further ado, let's see what this crazy person thinks goes through our only unit chief's head.

Note: This picks up at the end of Criminal Minds episode 3x20 "Lo-Fi" where Garcia is telling the team about how the terrorists had hacked into one camera at every crime scene.

"Thanks Garcia," Morgan said as he slowly hung up the phone, not bothering to hide to concern written all over his body.

"So much for theory," Rossi said calmly, suddenly looking up towards me. I could feel his eyes bore into me as he finished that statement, and I instinctively looked up, only to look away so he couldn't see the calamity shining through my eyes.

"We need to hit the ground running," Kate said, the blink rate of her tired eyes speeding up in false hopes of forcing her fears and worries away.

"I'm going to the hospital," Emily started. "I'll check on Cooper and brief Detective Brustin."

"Good," I started, beginning to direct my team, the words flying out of my mouth, and eventually the mouths of those I work with.

"Dave, will you go talk to the commissioner, and Morgan, you go brief Homeland Security."

"J J and I will go talk to Port Authority Police," Reid said, pointing the red marker he was holding towards me before dashing away with J J following him closely behind.

"Kate and I will go talk to the mayor and we'll meet back here as soon as possible," I said, my eyes dashing between everything and nothing and back as everyone ran off.

"The one advantage we have right now is that they don't know we know they're watching," Kate spurted out, turning midsentence to head to her office and grab her coat.

A few phone calls later, and after redirecting J J and Reid, Kate and I were off to see the mayor.

"Listen…Kate," I started as I held the door to the New York field office open, hoping my tone of voice would help catch her attention.

Her head turned towards me as I walked to catch up to her – I knew I had her.

"…Don't worry – we'll get 'em," I said, offering the best Hotch smile I could give, which was basically my lips pressed together into a straight line with natural curves somewhere in there.

No longer being able to look me in the eyes, she looked down towards my chest.

"I know," she nodded. She looked back up, and this time I was able to offer her a real smile before she returned the favor and stalked off towards the car.

I smiled at her retreating figure before following closely behind. I'm not entirely sure what happened next.

We were walking down the street. We were right behind the car…it felt like I was flying…God, what happened? My back hurts…and my head…why is my head pounding…

I lifted my hand lazily. I'm not sure where I was trying to go with this – I just needed proof I was alive or something - everything hurt. It was foggy. Why was it foggy? It felt like it was 80 degrees, and everything looks foggy. What the hell? What's going on?

My mouth agape, I blinked my eyes in an effort to clear everything trying to figure out what was going on. As if blinking would suddenly make to fog go away. Do your eyes look like turbine fans, Aaron? My hand hit it the ground trying to find some stability when little cut-up squares start to fall from the sky…How do squares fall from the sky?

I push up against the ground – my arm hurts so badly. I'm up on my knees...how the fuck did I get up on my knees? I pushed up a little harder. I'm kneeling now. I'm proposing to Haley…Haley..Jack…

"Will you marry me?" I asked, a smile on my face and a gold, diamond encrusted ring in hand. My knee is starting hurt...it's wobbly...

I push myself up the rest of the way. I'm standing on my feet now. Everything hurts, but I can't feel a thing. It's just…foggy.

I hold my hand out – I'm trying to catch a square. I think the stars might be falling from the skies…Shooting stars? Wait…those aren't the same thing…I look down at my hand. My hand is bloody - why is it bloody? It kinda burns to…

I rub my hands and fingers together – my hand is scorched. I have soot on it. How did soot get on my hand? Oh look…the star…it's just a piece of paper…it's burnt…how'd it get burned? What's with all this static…?

I look up and see a bunch of t v screens. I'm on the television…how'd I get on television? And why is there a fire behind me? So many different colors…it's kinda pretty…I'm a man – why am I using the word pretty? STOP USING THE WORD.

I turn around – I'm trying to shake this idiotic voice out of my head…he's so annoying…our car's on fire…who am I here with…our car is on fire.


The honking and the beeping come rushing into my ears. God that hurts, but I don't really care. It's sort of high-pitched though…it seems surreal. A kid comes running up to me.

'God Aaron – the kid looks like he's in college – don't call him a kid!'

A man comes running up to me. How'd he get here? Is anyone else here?

His lips are moving…is he saying "hey"? He sounds muffled…there's nothing over his mouth though…why is he so calm?

I'm staring at the car. 'Look at him you idiot!' I turn my head.

Did he just ask me "Sir?" Obviously I'm a sir. I don't see how I could be anything else…I don't care right now.

"What's your name?" I ask.

I think he just asked me "What?" Was my question not selfexplanatory? I can't hear him. The look on his face tells me everything I need to know – he totally asked what.

'You sound like a teenage girl, idiot.'


I repeat my question with more force.

"What's your name?"

Did he just say "Sam"? Why is he here…the car's on fire…the doors are busted…

"Call 911," I start.

Did he say something?

"Call 911. Tell them there's been an explosion."

Why does he keep trying to ask me stuff?

"Sir, are you okay?"

It doesn't register…only…

He's looked down. "Are you a cop?"

It's not Haley I'm with.

"Call 911…tell them…that a federal agent..."

He says something. I don't care anymore – I need to help Kate.

"Kate! Kate!" I bolt to the other side of the car - I need to see if she's there…PLEWHM.

Fucking mini-explosion trying to kill me…I need to know if Kate is here.

"Kate!" I yell, throwing my suit coat across my forearm, searching for her in the wreck.

'Don't be dead…please don't be dead...'

'You know if she's in there that's impossible, Aaron…'


I look to the side for some hope…she can't be dead…she's laying down in the middle of the street. I have to help her. Help Kate.

Everything is rushing to me. I need to calm Kate down. Her leg…oh my god, her leg…

There are sirens. Why are there sirens? I look up. There are cops…ambulances…paramedics…why aren't they coming down here?


"Aaron," Kate says as forcefully as she can.

I look down at her.

"They're not coming…we told them not to, remember?"

And it all comes flooding back to me.

"So how does this work?" Morgan asks the resident genius.

"The murders simulate a bombing," he begins, letting his hands move around in circular motions, marker in hand.

"Near, they station someone to watch and gauge police response time"

"At which point they know when to bring in a second bomb," Morgan finishes.

"The goal is always to take out a first round of civilians followed by a second wave of emergency responders," Kate adds.

She's ready to cry…don't cry, Kate, don't cry...she repeats what she just said…she didn't say anything…it was the flashback, Aaron……it doesn't matter…the paramedics have to come. They have to...she'll bleed out…

Oh god, there's a paramedic. She'll make it…she'll be okay.

Lennox Hill - I'm driving to Lennox Hill…it's just a few blocks away…

A bypass? What - what's a bypass? No…she's gonna crash…my credentials…they're in my jacket…Federal Plaza…she's gonna crash…she's crashing…she's flat-lining…

We're in...they're taking her away…She's being rushed down the hall…The paramedic is trying to save her…

"...crash cart..."

it's getting blurry…my ear hurts…something is whining…machinery…? I've hit something…there's a split second…there's a crash…

It's black.

Author's Note: And that's the end of the first explosion that affects Hotch and causes all his future problems! I hope that was actually any good – if not, I'm sorry. My mind just couldn't stop adding details to these scenes, and I had to get it out. Call it like I see it! :D

Let's see what gets updated next now. Please leave a review (criticism and all), and thank you for reading! :)