Author's Notes – Not mine, obviously.
So this was whirling around in my head. Not sure where it came from, but it seemed like it could work. Not really sure if it's a one-shot or I will continue it. I am working on my other story as well, so I guess we will see if anything else pops into mind for this one.
As always, comments are welcome. Let me know what you guys think…should I continue it or leave it alone.
Looking from his vantage point, it's amazing he has made it this far. The whole thing about addictions is they just aren't able to be fixed. At least not fixed in the sense that they stay away or they don't require one to take some sort of action. That was the hardest part of this for him. The knowledge that he can't, rather he shouldn't, act on his addiction, yet knowing it will happen. In this case, the idea of sooner is coming much quicker than later.
He knows that everyone has an addiction to something. His teammates have their addictions as well. The big difference is their addictions aren't a threat to the job. Addictions like tea, coffee, sweets, or healthy living aren't going to stand in the way of doing their job effectively. It seems rather unfair that his addiction is one that can threaten the job. An addiction that can cause him take a momentary pause; one that could result in an ending he doesn't even want to fathom.
The last several weeks have been spent looking at the reasons; give in to this addiction and let it win or walk away from it and lock it away. There is no easy answer. He has had several opportunities to walk away, ignore it, but he just can't seem to do that. The need is so strong. It's like this has become his life blood; the reason he can keep moving. He guesses that the core definition of an addiction – something one thinks they cannot live without.
Is that even accurate? He can live without this addiction. It isn't like he didn't live all those years before without it. Sure, giving it up will be painful. It isn't like its life threatening though. He can will himself to take the necessary steps to rid his psyche of this addiction. He can make himself survive the pain. The physical pain really isn't the problem; that's old hat for him. It's the emotional pain and the psychological pain that he isn't so sure he can survive; he doesn't do emotion; never has really.
The idea of trying to exist without this just doesn't hold any appeal. While he is well aware the amount at stake for so many people, it doesn't seem to matter. The draw is so intense and the amount of pleasure that arises is just too much. Just the mere thought has his body reacting in ways that it never has; the partaking may well end him he thinks. It has all come down to this moment, this place, and his ability to make a decision once and for all.
Quietly sipping his beer, he leans back against the wall and watches. She's there – his addiction – laughing and joking with everyone. He has watched her become an integral part of their team and knows how everyone has come to rely on her. She, along with her partner, is the eyes and ears of this team; one of the two that leads them through places that would otherwise be unknown if not for their words.
It has become more and more difficult to keep things professional; at least for him it has. He has spent more time lately second guessing the times he has found himself talking to her because he has to wonder if he really needs to be in her physical presence. So many times he could have just texted, emailed, called, or even waited. Hell, lately it seems he always has an excuse to see her.
Then there's the touching. God, the simple graze of her thumb across his hand when she gives him paperwork sends lightening through his body. The instantaneous reaction from his body is phenomenal and downright scary if he is honest with himself. The fact that he is finding reasons to stand just a little closer or lean over her shoulder at the console confirms just how bad things have got for him. It's like he is trying to test just how close he can get without having a physical reaction to her.
All of this has him completely in awe. The fact that she can garner this strong of reaction from him without so much as an intentional touch is insane. That's where he figures this could end him. Her ability to get to him without even knowing she is affecting makes him wonder what would happen if she reciprocated. If she actually knew his thoughts and was thinking the same thing; could he survive that? Sure, it wouldn't end him in the literal sense. But, damn how would he survive the rush of electricity that would take him over if she actually touched him for real.
These team bonding nights have given him more time to watch her outside the confines of the Mission. He can see her relaxed and enjoying things. The amount of fun they all have on these nights is also one of the reasons he hesitates. If they ever got together, the impact would be felt everywhere. The team would know and it could jeopardize them. What if he hesitated on an op because he was worried about her? Could he separate his feelings and keep himself on track knowing she was listening and watching? Would it be possible to seduce a woman if he was involved with her?
Those are the big questions. What if's that could drive you crazy if you let them. He is the master of illusion though isn't he? The agent that could slip in and out of persona with just the flip of a switch; he could still do that, couldn't he? What effect would letting himself indulge in this addiction have on him? The crux of the addiction is the ability to stay intact while partaking in the fruits. Maybe, just maybe, he can handle it all.
Watching her on the dance floor has left him with no other conclusions. He sees the guys coming up to her and he feels his blood boil when they touch her arm. There is no way he wants anyone else touching her; not with intentions like the ones he sees in those men. The way they are looking at her makes him want to practice his hand-to-hand combat; on their faces. Moving swiftly past their table, he deposits his beer on the wooden slab and comes up behind her.
Reaching forward he uses the palm of his hand to remove the offending man from her personal space. He moves to face her as his hand circles around her waist. Looking her dead in the eyes, he cups her face with his free hand and leans in close enough to feel her breath on his lips. Wasting no more time, he captures her lips in a kiss that leaves no question as to what his intentions are. All the words that he has been unable to speak are placed into a kiss that leaves him momentarily unable to breathe.
Breaking the kiss, he looks at her once again. He smiles as he leans forward placing a kiss on her forehead, then he turns and walks out of the bar. He can only hope she understood what he was trying to tell her and that she is willing to embark on this journey with him. Time will tell.