Chapter 1: Where do I go from here?

"Thanks for watching everyone, goodnight!"

Drew announces as the episode ends, I instantly walk off stage heading for my dressing room. I walk in and with a heavy sigh and I plop into the chair, I look down at my wedding ring I grab it with my right hand and start to twist it. While I'm thinking, my mind drifts off and I'm just staring at a empty space on the wall, my thoughts are so jumbled right now. I turn and look at the TV, it's off but I keep seeing the episode that we just filmed.

"This next game is called dubbing…with special guest ex-WWF wrestler Chyna…"

I remember looking over at Brad right before the game started, everyone was so excited. As I sat there thinking, the whole game was going through my head in chopped up bits.

"I just want to work out this knot…kiss me you fool…I'll just shimmy!"

Then there's that part, I'm doing the dance bit now, and it's going to happen soon! I'm still staring at the TV and I don't notice when Brad shows up knocking on my door,

"Hey Colin…Colin?"

He walks in and stands in front of me, I don't come out of the daze until he starts to shake me.

"Colin are you ok?"

I shake my head and look up at him,

"What? Oh yeah I'm fine, what's up?"

I stand up and head to the mini fridge to grab a bottle of water, I turn back and look at Brad waiting for him to tell my why he stopped by.

"Oh ok, anyway we're all going to go have a drink, to celebrate my brilliance!"

I give a small laugh,"Brilliance? What brilliance?"

Giving me a dirty look he continues, "You know what I mean, if it wasn't for me you and Ryan wouldn't have kissed Joanie tonight!"

There it was the image was back in my head, I swallow hard and walk by Brad looking down at floor.

"I think…I'm not going to be able to make it tonight, I just have a uh I have something to do!"

I go out the door and pass the other dressing rooms; I don't pay attention when Ryan walks by me to go to his.

"Hey Col, are you…"

I don't even hear him as I continue to make my way out of the studio; I quickly head to my car. I get in and just sit there for a few minutes, my hands meet again as I start to twist around my wedding ring once more. I close my eyes and try to picture different days with Deb; restaurants, movies or just anything that we would do. Then I try to start thinking of romantic things between me and Deb, as I start picturing us kissing that same image I was seeing before is now popping up in my head again. Every time it does I shake my head to try and get rid of it, but it's not working! It keeps showing up more and more, something isn't right why do I keep seeing this? After everything that happened in that episode the main thing that I should be picturing would be the kiss I had with Joanie! But no it wasn't my kiss with Joanie; it was my kiss with Ryan!

Now I'm sitting there starting to talk to myself, "Colin what is wrong with you? Why are you thinking of your best friend in that way?"

A few minutes go by before I decide that I need to get my mind off of this; I get out of my car, taking a deep breath before heading back inside. I go to Brad's dressing room to see if they had left yet, once I get there I knock on his door,

"Hey Brad, are you guys still here?"

I knock for a few more minutes before I realize that they left, I turn around to go back to my car, but I freeze when I see that Ryan was standing right behind me.

"Oh Hey Ry!"

Ryan has a worried look on his face, "Hey Col, the guys took off already, but I told them that I'd meet up with them later, because I wanted to talk to you!"

My heart drops as I try to not make anything obvious, "Yeah sure, what's on your mind buddy?"

He puts his hand on my shoulder, "I was just wondering if everything is ok with you? You seemed kind of off today after we were done filming!"

Ryan did always know when something was bothering me, but how could I tell him what was worrying me this time? How could I tell him that I couldn't get our kiss out of my mind?

"Nah, I'm ok Ryan, I've just been having some things on my mind lately, but I'll be ok. Let's go and meet up with the rest of the guys before they start celebrating without us!"

I knew Ryan was unsure on whether or not I was telling the truth about being ok, even though he probably knew that I wasn't. He dropped the subject for now as we went outside, I walked up to my car and was about to open the door when Ryan walked around to the passenger side waving to get my attention,

"Hey I figured we could take a cab, so that way if we drink too much we don't have to worry about driving home."

Ryan was always the responsible one especially when it came to drinking. A few minutes had passed before we were able to get a cab; I hadn't said much in the time that we were waiting because I wasn't really sure what to say. We both got into the cab when it arrived, he tells the driver what address to go to the driver says ok clicking the meter that keeps track of the fair, once the driver takes off Ryan looks over to me.

He places his hand on my thigh slowly patting it, "Listen Col, whatever you have going on right now I just want you to please remember that I'll always be there for you for anything you need ok?"

He gives a soft smile and removes his hand, but as soon as he does so I immediately want his hand back where it was, my skin was burning with the need to touch him or have him touch me. I try to stop my feelings because this is wrong! Why do I feel like this now, after all these years? What is wrong with me? I take a deep breath as I slowly look over at Ryan looking out the window, what are these feelings I'm having for him all of sudden? Do I act on them? Or more importantly, do I tell him?